Why I’m Fantastic: by Donald Trump
I Am Really Great!
America isn’t winning any more. We need more winning in America. We weren’t winning under Bush, or Obama, or anyone. If America doesn’t start winning, we will be losing. We need to make America great again. There is a reason I am the most fantastic candidate, it is because I am the single biggest winner, because I am a good business man, and because I make great deals.
I am great at winning. I win every day. Let me tell you, no one win’s better than Trump. All of those other candidates were losers. For example, lyin’ Ted. He lost on the budget in congress, he lost on trade, he lost on Obama. Most important, he lost to me. Then there was low energy Jeb. Jeb was a loser. He always lost debates, and he always lost on real-estate deals when I made them in Florida. But me? I always win. And when I win, I win bigly. Everyone knows how much I win. I am doing great with polls. I am winning with white people, Hispanics (love the Hispanics), the welly educated, and the poorly educated (love the poorly educated). Believe me, when I am in office, we will be winning, winning, winning. In fact, you will be sick of winning. We will win with China, we will win with Saudi Arabia, we will win with terrorism. And, of course, we will be winning on trade. If we can win on trade, America won’t have these problems with our economy: we have to fix our economy. People say I don’t know how to win with the economy. But when I am in office, I will learn things. Great things. That is of course how you know I will be winning.
I am a great business man. Everyone knows I am a great business man. I take advantage of people and I am greedy. America needs to get greedy again, am I right? Anyway, this helped me do many great businesses. You all know Trump hotels, no one makes hotels better than me. They are fantastic. Better yet are some of my lesser known stuff, like Trump cologne, Trump magazine, Trump lotion, Trump hair gel (for real hair, of course), Trump cloths, and Trump University. Did I mention that those were fantastic? These businesses mean I am great at the economy. I am very good at economy. When I am president, we will have the best economy. Also the best education. I am great at making education, just look at my University. When I make a business, it works. I have never failed business. People say I bankrupted businesses. I did that, but they were the best bankruptcies you will ever see, let me tell you. Just fantastic. All of my business makes me very good at money. Unlike Obama. Obama was the single biggest loser at budget. I am also good at making businesses HUGE. Just like my hands. I have the largest hands, no one has better hands than Trump. Basically, you should vote for me because I am rich, which means I am very good at cash.
I make the best deals. No one makes better deals than Trump. Let me tell you, I am a tough negotiator. That is how I get great land for my business. We need someone who is a dealmaker. That way we can make good deals with China and Mexico. Our deals with them are so weak, they laugh at us. You have no idea. We have such a large trade deficit with China, it is insane. If we don’t make better deals with China, we won’t be able to be great again. Also we need to do something about Obama’s deal with Iran. It is the worst deal ever. That’s why America shouldn’t make deals, not with anyone, we don’t make deals. Anyway, I would also make a great deal with Russia about Isis. We can work together and destroy them and their families. I know Putin will make good deals with us, he is a very strong leader. But of course, no one would be a stronger dealmaker than Trump. I will personally write every deal we make, to ensure that they are absolutely fantastic. Trust me, I know words. I have the best words. I can write deals like nobody’s business, you have no idea. This is why I am the most fantastic candidate, so America can have the best deals.
I can make America great again. My combined winning, business, and deal making skills will allow us to be absolutely fantastic. Believe me. If crooked Hillary wins instead of me, we will be losing again. She has no business experience, and she does not know the economy like I do. And she will make the worst deals, especially if she is making the deals at the wrong time of month. I love America, and Freedom. That is why I will make sure that we toughen libel laws. If people criticize me, then we won’t be winning as much. There is obviously no candidate who is more fantastic than Trump. That is why you must vote for me.