Yes, Virginia, The End Is Near
Alert! Alert! Alert! Rinse and Repeat.
My mother in law, who is the most harmless person on the planet, already knows that the end is near. She knows because she saw it on the TV. The Anti-Christ is here and his name rhymes with Yo Mama. The problem is, for all of us, I guess, that time is running out for our Kenyan, Muslim, Black Panther president to actually do something about it. How are we all going to die at the hands of this Mephistopheles if he doesn't hurry up and get the job done? What are we going to do with the 2,000 square foot bunker and 200,000 rounds of ammunition we have buried in our backyard?
Yes, there are only 11 months left for the Beazelbub from "Hawaii" to finally rain down his terrible wrath and destroy all of the knowing and faithful, all of the chosen and exceptional Americans. He has had seven years to lull us into complacency, and the time has come to strike. Will it be appointing one of his Satanic minions to the Supreme Court? Or maybe unleashing the indescribable horror of allowing the children of ILLEGAL ALIENS to remain among us? Perhaps it will be more subtle, a secret plot to undermine our very existence by playing golf at a private country club...
NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! Oh, wait, that's Monty Python. Sorry.
Anyway, we can't disappoint all of the expectant raptured, what with Fox News and all of the Republican Presidential candidates having staked their souls on the Armageddon that has kind of, sort of, maybe if you look at it through my magic prism, befallen us. How will my saintly mother in law survive not surviving this? She already has her hat checked at the Pearly Gates. What do we do if nothing happens and then the Gargoyle Clinton gets elected? Wait for 8 more years?
You Are Here
Tomorrow Is Another Day
OK, OK, don't everybody get your crucifixes in a knot. There is evil lurking everywhere in this country, and we can ferret it out and exploit fear like no other nation on this planet. If it wants to "embrace the French", or "save the environment" or, God forbid, "help the poor", we can all bring our assault rifles to the Rally For Disenfranchised End Of Timers, scheduled for an undisclosed, secret location at a time as yet to be determined. Here, we can confront the naysayers and interlopers who distract world attention with made up catastrophes about bees and coastal flooding.
So, we deplore you, MR HUSSEIN Obama, get off your tricycle and whip a little frenzy back into the silent majority. We have pulpits to pound and books to sell! There is a whole industry of right wing radio talk show pundits that are relying on you for their livelihoods.
I welcome your comments below this column.