You Might Have a Death Wish If . . .
There are two terms that I have heard over the course of my life either in public or on some television show. These two terms are: "You must have a death wish, mister!" And "You have just signed your own death warrant."
Mostly, these terms are used on intense drama programs involving the mob or some progressive western with Vin Diesel (just a thought) as the star who as a quiet citizen of this typically-western town, but the evil, corrupt mayor and his equally evil and corrupt city council go into cohoot's with a more evil, corrupt cattle baron who despises authority, especially Diesel, who goes by, "Jesse Odom," who was voted into the office of sheriff by a group in town who wanted him to clean things up so their wives and kids would be safe walking down the street.
Remember film idol, Charles Bronson? Who doesn't? When he starred in "Death Wish," it hit me. I didn't say anything to anyone because I don't put my ignorance on parade. But I did a lot of thinking about that term, "dath wish," and how it makes my skin crawl.
Now in modern times
I think I have hit upon the "marrying" of Bronson's film name, "Death Wish," and the term itself and how it might be used in modern-day America in my headline that reads:
- listen to wise individuals who know University of Alabama head football coach, Nick Saban personally tell you how intense and fiery he can be, but you turn a deaf ear to prove you fear no man or beast and get into a Crimson Tide game and onto the sidelines. Then you proceed to get in Saban's face and say, "Gimme them headphones, old man. I can coach better than you wish my eyes shut."
- were stupid enough to storm onto the set of "Predator," that has a co-star, Jesse Ventura, whose life is like an adventure book--he was a Navy SEAL, Governor of Minnesota and pro-wrestler in the old WWF under the name of: Jesse "The Body" Ventura, and shove him out of the way and yell, "You panty-waist! Let a real man do this role!"
- take your ATV and crash the guarded gates of Parris Island, S.C., home of Marine Corps. boot camp training with some of the meanest, coldest and toughest drill instructors anywhere and with a smirky grin, say to one of them, "Hah! Call yourself tough? I can take three of you guys and beat you all so bad that you will beg for me to stop." Note: You might have a challenge once you get out of Federal prison.
- work and engineer a way to get inside Leah Remini's highly-guarded mansion and when you meet her, just cross your arms, throw back your head and spew, "Listen, missy. If you and I are going to be a couple, we need to get some thing straight right away. Things like: we eat where "I" say eat, we go where "I" like to go, and on and on. You are to keep me some hot food ready for when I come home from playing pool and drinking beer with the guys and you never, but never, ask me where I've been or what I've been doing. Got that?" Another note: Remini played as "Carrie Spooner Heffernan," on "King of Queens as the spit-fire wife of "Doug Heffernan," Kevin James and many times she let her temper guide her thinking and well, it wasn't pretty.
- were around when Dick Butkus, No. 51, middle linebacker of the Chicago Bears did real damage to whomever his team was playing each Sunday and be as brave as another football "assassin," Pittsburgh Steelers, Jack Lambert and spit on Butkus' shoes. But in your case, you are not a Lambert. You are like me: weak, of less-than-great physical shape and now you have "signed your own death warrant."
- find yourself hanging around Sweetwater, Texas, home of their "Rattlesnake Roundup," a civic event that some group sponsors each year to make money for their town, and say outloud (via bullhorn): "You are about to see a real man do a real manly thing: walk barefoot through that hole over there that is filled with deadly rattlers."
- get yourself lost via the help of your friends who were literally foaming at the mouth to get you out of town for a few days, and try to emulate survival expert, Bear Grylls. It's fine to emulate people like Grylls, but you, dear lost and hungry friend, have absolutely no survival skills.
- have thought over the years that beautiful and very athletic, Chris Evert was so feminine and charming that she would not hurt your feelings if you were to make improper passes at her while she is dining in a posh, expensive restaurant. Buddy, you are a fool. Go ahead. Try it. Find Evert and try to say improper things to her and see just how quickly your head will be bitten off by this gorgeous girl.
- had ran into Jack Webb, creator, director and producer of "Dragnet," one of the longest running cop show on television and to prove that you are a man, say to Webb, "Ahh, you are not a real police officer. You are just an actor. Let's hear you talk like a real cop!" All I can say is you asked for it.
- had met dare-devil, Evel Knievel and dared him to let you prove that you are as good or better than he is at his skills of jumping buses, cars and canyons.
- hiding in that tunnel where Pittsburgh Steelers star, Mean Joe Greene meets the little kid with a Coke to give him to make him feel better and you suddenly run out in front of Greene like precision clockwork and snag the soft drink from the kid and guzzle it down before Greene knows what is happening. One thing that Joe Greene despised on or off the gridiron and that was people like you hurting the feelings of little kids.
- were to stand near a dangerous ledge near a very steep location of the Grand Canyon and tell the crowd that is now gathering around you pleading you to get down from that dangerous place and you telling them, "I am going to jump from here and I promise you that I will walk away without a scratch." I have got nothing to say.
. . .Even More Things to Signal That You Have a Death Wish
- were going to merge one legend with the other--famous bare knuckle boxer, John L. Sullivan who was reported to go into the shadiest, roughest bars in New York City and yell, "Hey, I am John L. Sullivan, a boxer. I can whip any son-of-a-gun in here!" (son-of-a-gun takes the place of what he really said), and the other legend: Hell's Angels. Strut yourself into one of their "meetings" where regular people are forbidden to enter and announce virtually the same thing as Sullivan did and if you come out alive, then your death wish did not come true.
- you, via a magical wand or meeting a real mythical wizard such as "Merlin," and get him to transport you directly into the mouth of a cave that houses one of biggest, gruffest fire-breathing dragon and as you see this beast waking up and crawling at you and you stand there and yell. "Go ahead, dragon. Breath some of that storybook fire onto me."
It was nice knowing you.
Good night, Pontotoc, Mississippi.
Remember in 1979, when this commercial was an instant classic
© 2016 Kenneth Avery