Zombies are Popular- But, There Are Things to Avoid
If you want to avoid being a zombie...
Despite the notion that zombies are somehow monsters only lurking from the fevered imaginations of those such as Romero, we now must accept that zombies are too likely to be a real, genuine threat to our world in the very near future. If we are forced to endure a world where all political leaders are no longer the only purely corrupted and not the only evil we must endure, then we must assume these evils will spill into the realm of zombies (if expressions and intentions are the factors of similarity). It does seem there is a genuine Pygmalion Effect (or, a self-fulfilling prophecy) affecting the world when enough of us express the concern of this thing, no matter how farfetched it is.
We once feared that our political leaders would be the crazed lunatics, and we have about reached this point. We once found escapist entertainment in post-apocalyptic dramas, and now we feel compelled to create some sort of apocalyptic situation to exist within our reality, because what can these politicians wreck worse? In short, we as humans feel compelled to fight a monster truly bigger than us and utterly unbeatable, although it is virtually mysterious why we must have this. Regardless of the mystery, it is right there, like an 800 pound gorilla we try to not see stomping our future into a greasy spot. We avoid the blood and entrails from getting on our dry-cleaned clothes and hope nobody sees us doing that.
But if there is one thing we do know about this thing called humanity, is that it loves to fear becoming zombified yet loves to see others become zombies, but yet loathes those who are zombies (yeesh). Zombies were once the thing of superstition, like the National Debt, but superstition and voodoo were no longer proper explanations for zombies. So, like the government had to come up with a line of complete hooey and say that China owns our national debt (just slightly less believable to a mind functioning with a 3-digit IQ than Iraq didn’t have weapons of mass destruction, whatever the hell that’s supposed to be, although they fought Iran for years and annihilated hundreds of thousands of Kurds) when, once upon a time, a Communist regime was supposed to be an American foe. Therefore, people become zombified through a more realistic process of a vulgar super virus spreading through body fluid exchange, as well as a slow-churning process of being indoctrinated into accepting bad is good, like killing babies to save human lives, is virtually unavoidable.
So, there you have it. Through the utilization of billions of dollars a week being printed and digitized by the Treasury, no matter how criminal and detrimental to the future of this country, scientists bent on creating an actual zombie virus are being funded to do just that. They are working on a virus that turns people into zombies within minutes after they experience an excruciating death. An endless string of zombie movies and now AMC with a zombie series called The Walking Dead is catching a lot of attention, all combining into an obvious situation that zombies are soon to be as real as the supposed rivalries between Democrats and Republicans.
That means we’re all going to have to learn how to avoid becoming zombified. Uh, I don’t really know if zombified is a real word, but people let the words irregardless and refudiate fly around like a political campaign ad claiming to harbor a smidgen of truth. Hey, if you need proof that zombies are about to become a true and real threat to the world, consider this: people actually once voted Alan Grayson into political office. The Bachelor is reaching something like its twentieth season!
So, in the spirit of showing concern for my fellow man and the future of humanity, this article will highlight 7 Things to Avoid in a world being overrun with zombies. I must ask that you either print this out or take the time to memorize it fully, because it just might prove to be the difference between you wandering around with raw flesh draped from your disfigured lower jaw, or perched on top of a building with a rifle, tapping off zombies one at a time as if it was a new sport that charged in fifteen minute increments for the pleasure.
In truth, there are likely more things to avoid than just the seven stated in this article in order to avoid becoming zombified (avoiding World’s Dumbest… marathons, starring Danny Bonaduce, Leif Garrett and Tonya Harding, the pinnacles of consistent intelligent thought and action, might likely be added to a growing list), but these seven should allow you enough time to reach a safe haven, where, according to the TV shows and movies, confrontational rednecks are always wreaking more havoc than any zombie ever would, but you’ll have access to Sterno, canned goods, and plastic flatware.
While it wouldn’t be thought of as a risk to becoming zombified, being too politically correct can certainly lead to exactly that. Why? How? Well, consider what causes people to end up being zombies. They often listen to other people who somehow have the notion that they know what they’re talking about, when in fact, virtually nobody does. So-and-so tells them that the safest place or the place least likely to be overcome by zombies is here or there, and then what happens? Yup, the place gets overrun by zombies that are coming in fast and hungry for brains. Not only that, but the politically correct mind usually finds locations that are confined, offer little in terms of getaways, and harbor vending machines that never take your dollar, no matter how crisp.
So, if your gut tells you that sheriff do-si-do or sergeant yada-yada is off their rocker, then maintain the courage of your convictions and avoid listening to what they have to say. In fact, if they continue to piss you off, lure in some of the quieter zombies and cut them loose wherever the most irritating members of your living group are located. It should be noted that seeing someone you dislike slowly agonize until they die and then become a zombie is truly a lot of fun, despite the politically correct notion that it isn’t nice. Hey picture this: that Doofus you cannot stand ends up being a zombie, but with bowling balls super glued onto their hands and a sports visor pulled down over their eyes.
Come on; tell me with a straight face that political correctness outdoes that.
Small Town Parades
These things are veritable booby traps when there are zombies running around. The problem is that parades tend to lure zombies as if they’re comprised of a lot more brain power than first assumed. It’s likely the slow, easy motion of the parade and the floats as well as the dancers that draws them like a bug light. The primary concern is that you might see a particularly favorite float slowly coming your way (all the while, you’re packed into a tight and irritating crowd) and lose focus of the fact that zombies are just seconds away. And then, chomp, the zombies are all around, biting into the heads of those around you, and potentially you. No matter how hard you try, fighting your way through the panicked crowd proves exhausting and rather futile, and your chances of escape are reduced to little more than ashes.
If you’re going to attend a parade and find parades so irresistible (as so many of us do, for whatever ridiculous reason), then the best thing to do is to become a part of the parade. Perhaps you can be one of the baton twirlers or maybe drive a float. Or, you can be a member of the marching band. This is better because then you have your hands on a potential weapon in the event zombies show up. It would be particularly smart to be a member of the Color Guard, since they get to carry rifles. So then, if zombies raid the streets and threaten your parade, you can open fire and splatter the zombified heads of zombies while still blending into the parade and getting to march in step with the girls twirling those batons.
Oh, as a little extra tip: If a troupe of baton twirling cheerleaders become zombified, then it’s a real hoot to handcuff them all together and watch them try to get anywhere.
Ice Cream Socials
These aren’t much different from the parades, except for the fact that the crowds aren’t so dense. But, on the other hand, things could be going on that stump the viewer into thinking what is happening is normal instead of being zombified. For instance, these things just love to hire clowns for the event. Well, if a clown is somehow zombified while still in costume, then most onlookers may not realize the catastrophic potential of the situation until it’s too late.
The problem is also the same with all of those kids running around, stoked up on all the sugar. If the kids end up zombified by the zombie clowns, now you have all these zombies tearing around, eating at grandma brains and attacking the uncles sneakily drinking from their flasks while hovering around the barbecue. Before you know it, the entire place is overrun with zombies, yet the picture looks eerily similar to what it did before everyone was a zombie. However, you don’t have the zombie smell because you’re still alive and not a zombie, so here they come to eat your brains.
Now, there is a positive side to this, providing you hold the ice cream social function at a rodeo location. You see, you can cut loose all the zombies in the rodeo area, where they’ll bump off one another and are easy pickings for those in the stands. Because this sort of thing would lose its luster quickly if all the zombies are shot right at the get-go, we here at the 7 Things to Avoid Institute recommend small caliber weapons, sling shots, cross bows, and polish cannons. Keep in mind to remain somewhat sensitive for the mothers in the stands who have zombified children in the corral (yeah, I know; wah, wah, boo hoo and get over it) but otherwise have a rootin’ tootin’ good time.
Free Concerts sponsored by Local Radio Stations
Now, these might seem fun at first glance since now you can see the band you’ve wanted to see for the past thirty years, but for free. Sure, they’re all old and fat, and there’s only one original member of the band, but hey, that’s always been your favorite karaoke song after two pitchers, and everyone loves to hear you sing it. But if there are zombies afoot, these pseudo-celebrations draw in zombies like middle school cheerleaders draw in aging rockers.
First of all, the crowds are far too dense to allow for any sort of quick escape. Then, to make things worse, these are often held somewhere near or directly in a downtown area, which means the entire zip code offers little in terms of escape routes. Yeah, there might be plenty of places to hide, but for only so long before your living scent draws in the zombies.
Now, because it is socially unacceptable to attend these functions with large caliber weapons slung over your shoulder (often disliked by the liberals, who are, as anyone with sense knows, are the primary cause of Zombieism in the world today), the best thing to do is to avoid them whenever the zombie potential is forecast as moderate-to-high.
An alternative is to get a hotel room nearby and within good view of the concert. This way you can be in a secure location while carrying what you know you need to carry, and have good access to the room’s fridge. Because, as everyone knows, whenever there is a major zombie hunt in an urban setting, having plenty of brewskies on hand is wise and recommended. In fact, that is a good backdrop for a high-end Bud Light commercial.
On a positive note: Would it not be amazing to see Loverboy, the entire band, zombified and chained in place on the stage? No, no, that doesn’t have to be free. Here’s my credit card; I’ve wanted to see that for well over two decades. Particularly if there were a lot of pyrotechnics.
I mean, a lot of pyrotechnics.
State and County Fairs
Yeah, these always seem like a good idea at first. These sorts of functions are like giant bonfire keggers hosted by hunting buddies the day before hunting season, in the driest of brush and wood. Yeah, it all looked super fun on the blueprint, and then you get there. And then, so don’t the authorities…
While these are the antithesis of Free Concerts (everything here is dollars on the penny, which is why you never hear them recommended by Clark Howard), they are similar in that they offer little in terms of escape routes, but could be verily filled with zombies easily blending in with the crowd. Zombies here, trying to toss the pennies into the bottle opening, zombies there, trying to knock down those five cans with a baseball, and zombies over there, looking as if they are bobbing for apples in spit-laden water that’s had every beer-swilled face in the county in it by the dozens per hour over the past three days, but they’re not; they’re bobbing for the brains of the innocent.
The fun aspect of these festivities becoming overrun with zombies is that there’s plenty of fun to be had. Luring them into the funhouses (yeah, where all the mazes and mirrors are) proves to be a chuckle-filled delight. Then, there are plenty of weapons, such as the penny-filled bottles and baseballs, and often BB guns galore. Also, there are often large amounts of plush toys to toss in front of the zombies, which invariably trips them up.
On a positive note: if you can lure a large amount of zombies onto the bumper car floor…well, use your imagination and have a glorious time!
Now, just how are you supposed to work out what and who is a zombie and who isn’t? The only real way to do it is by looking for the blood stains, graying flesh, and unfocused expressions, and none of those are surefire indicators in these settings.
The best way, we’ve learned through intensive investigation and research, is to keep a sharp eye out on what it is people are looking for. If they’re showing intense curiosity for all the stuff, they’re likely (but barely) alive. However, if they’re showing any interest in anyone around them, and we mean any interest whatsoever, they just might be zombified. In locations such as these, the surest way to cope with zombies is best done with spear guns and flame throwers.
There is the positive note that there’s a lot of stuff around that’s very heavy, made of pewter and lead, and with a lot of mechanical parts. So, if you are part of an elite team and end up in such a community (unlikely, we realize, but bear with us a sec), then there are a lot of things around the team can use to build booby traps, weapons, and entrapment devices that catch fire once tripped.
A potential positive in these locations is that a lot of the zombies were elderly and therefore slowed down quite a bit before being zombified. This is why spear guns and flame throwers work out so nice; the shooter has so little to be concerned with in terms of leading the target. However, the sport of it is rather limited. For this, we do apologize.
Star Trek Conventions
Honestly, we don’t know if these should be avoided or actively pursued whenever zombies are in the area, so we did struggle with placing this one among the seven to choose from. But we do have to consider the dynamics of crowd density, atmospheric effects (what is drawing in whom), and the drivers and lures affecting any zombies in the area. Let’s face it; Star Trek conventions are likely to be a hotbed of zombie action during a time when zombies are a daily threat.
These places are usually crowded with a lot of people, particularly when there is a celebrity speaker, and it doesn’t matter who speaks. Your humble author once gained a significant amount of attention and affection during a convention where he claimed to be a red-shirt in TNG’s fourth season, telling of grand adventure on planet Rigel 7 before being speared by the Agnushian rebellion force. The contrived experience brought me a lot of free drinks, the witnessing of some hot Klingon-on-Klingon action, and 30 days of the right to claim using the modified main deflector to emit an inverse tachyon pulse during an emergency. Oh, these were heady times. But when people crowd into these sets where the automatic doors rely on 21st century technology, the potential for things to be overwhelmed by zombies reaches warp speed faster than you can say live long and prosper.
While we cringe at the notion of saying Star Trek conventions should be avoided (because they can be a very entertaining day regardless of your level of fandom), but all the logistical implications point to these things turning into hotbeds of zombie trouble. After all, there are too many people there who would end up zombified if they sat and watched a zombie slowly crawl in without a lower torso but wore a Star Trek uniform or so much as dragged a Tricorder. And then pow, there would be zombies everywhere.
But in the spirit of maintaining a positive note, which is among the mainstays of Star Trek lore, there could be a lot of fun. Dressing up zombies to look like the various enemies of the Federation and then zapping them with phasers set on stun would be more fun than an Andorian orgy prompted on the Holodeck. In fact, there are rumors some of the high-end conventions have been able to bring in Holodeck technology through wormholes in space and time created by using the modified main deflector to emit an inverse tachyon pulse. So, in theory, you could zap zombies at a rodeo, or at a crowded mall, or during any scene of your imagination. It would be humorous to watch the zombies continually try to attack hologram characters on the deck, wouldn’t it?
Let your imagination run free and watch the zombies go after things that just aren’t really there, such as post-pubescent Justin Bieber fans, viewers of anything intelligent done by the Kardashian girls (other than slow stripping), and anyone within this sector of space who could possibly give an Andorian ass about anything done by anyone named Kendra. In fact, if you can figure out a way to lure this Kendra into a rodeo cut loose with gobs of zombies, then you will earn the right to say you modified the main deflector to emit an inverse tachyon pulse to save the day.
Not everyone just gets to do that, you know.
So, there are 7 Things to Avoid if you don’t want to end up being a zombie. Then, because we are a charitable organization always offering a positive spin and endless hope, we’ve provided numerous pieces of fodder and ideas of how to make the best of zombie situations. In fact, we feel wrong in limiting those to just seven, but let your imagination wander. After all, nothing inspires a sense of laughs and tumescence like seeing a hoard of older zombies (you know, the ones that have learned to be most menacing yet sport a lot of rotted flesh) overrun a Paris Hilton lookalike convention, particularly when there’s a Britney Spears tribute band on site.