A Modern Professional's Guide to Anti-Social Etiquette in the Workplace
Anti-Socialites, never fear. You too can learn to walk the fine line between passive-aggressiveness and open contempt in the workplace.
It's simple, according to Anti-Social Etiquette Guru and lifelong nemesis to Miss Manners, Burgess Cobblepot III. All you have to do is be wholly consumed by disgust for the very people you're forced to interact with, at all times.
Non-author of the never-actually-written or published would-be worst seller "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People at Work™," Cobblepot agreed to this recent phone interview in lieu of attending his company's 15th Annual Go Team Go-Kart team building event.
"I don't know what's worse," he said. "Spending three hours with co-workers or getting the coronavirus."
When asked about his contributions to social distancing, he grumbled "I admit nothing" and threatened to end the call.
Before disconnecting to go home and feed his cat, Cobblepot reluctantly shared the following five tips for practicing anti-social-etiquette in the workplace.
1. Always Be Avoiding
"Always Be Avoiding" is not only a good tip, but a highly effective business skill put into practice by anti-socialites on a global scale.
Essentially, Cobblepot explained, you have to treat work like the first day of prison, every day. Snap at one random co-worker for no actual reason. Alternate between pleasant and conversant; busy and indifferent. Never make eye contact, shuffle your feet and frequently wear headphones.
"Everyone will be so terrified by your unapproachable demeanor and tendency to practice random, social violence, they'll only come to you in dire need," he said.
2. Navigate The Office Potluck with Ease
When you work in an office, invariably you will at some point be invited to participate in an office potluck.
According to Cobblepot, this is your cue to bring in a crushed package of store-brand cookies or pretzels, then spend the whole time eating as much of what appears to be the most expensive food item in the company kitchen.
Don't even think about helping clean up. That would be insulting to the staff.
3. Tips For Decorating Your Cubicle
Everyone loves fluffy animals. So why not decorate your desk with a prolific tribute to your taxidermy hobby?
"Your coworkers will gain true insight into your character when they see that you've not only stuffed and mounted your childhood cat, Mittens, but your even using him as a pen holder," said Cobblepot.
As for what not to hang on the wall, Cobblepot warned that posters of cats hanging from tree branches with the caption "Hang in there" are exploitative of cats and tree branches.
"This no-no is a clear sign of a demented individual," he said. "If your coworker has one of these, you may want to report them to HR."
4. Email Etiquette: 'Reply All'
It's not annoying at all when you hit "Reply All" to a corporate company-wide e-mail, especially when you respond with a smiley emoticon or a texting abbreviation. LOL!
For extra effect, attach multiple photos of your kid for no apparent reason. If you don't have a kid, attach photos of your cute nephew. If you don't have a cute nephew, attach photos of Warwick Davis.
5. Smart Phones Make You Smarter
Always arrive fashionably late, phone in hands, for all your important meeting or your annual evaluation. This general lack of self awareness and no-fear attitude will put you straight on the management path.
Once you've awkwardly positioned yourself well within the personal space of your boss or the meeting leader, do not take your eyes off your phone, even for a nano-second.
"Playing Candy Crush while grumbling a half-assed response to your boss's request for information speaks volumes about your multi-tasking abilities," Cobblepot says. "It's the modern day answer to doodling private body parts in a notebook."