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The Crimea of the century

Updated on March 19, 2014
Something crooked is going on here
Something crooked is going on here

What’s the deal in Crimea? Putinmytwocentsworth seems hell-bent on resurrecting the Soviet Empire while Obamaladi Obamadala is rattling sabres in response. Could this be the beginning of WWIII?

Most people will tell you that this move by Putinmytwocentsworth is motivated by his colonial expansionist desires (where have I heard that kind of talk before, Vlad?) but I think there is more to it than that.

Others will tell you it is about ‘taking back’ Crimea which has a mainly Russian population and should never have gone with the Ukraine following the demise of the Soviet Empire.

Still more will tell you it is a fight between the Russians and the West over who controls strategic resources because Crimea has seven gas fields which are all connected to the Ukraine Pipeline. Once Russia has control of that it can jack up the prices to the Ukrainians or simply turn the lights out!


It is incredible to think that a squabble over such a small piece of dirt could lead to a major global conflict – but then that has usually been the way with these things. After all it is commonly believed that the assassination of Austrian Archduke Ferdinand in Sarajevo led to the First World War. It only takes a small spark to cause a major conflagration when every bugger is carrying a large barrel of oil (or seven gas pipelines).

But Crimea is no stranger to squabbles over its place in the world and its geographic location is partly to blame. Most of its gas fields are in the Black Sea which Russia might well claim it has an equal right to. It has previously been invaded by the Greeks, the Romans, the Scythians, the Goths, the Huns, the Bulgars, the Khazars, the Kievan Rus’, the Byzantine Empire, the Kipchaks, and the Mongols; and that only takes us up to the 13th Century.

More recently there was a punch up at the beginning of the 20th Century essentially between Russia and the Ottoman Empire although the west joined in with the Ottoman lot. This particular squabble was allegedly about Russia wanting to protect the rights of Orthodox Christians, which begs the question as to why the West were fighting Russia over that. More likely it was some kind of payback for a raid the Tatar people of Crimea did on the Russians a hundred years earlier when they took 20,000 slaves. By the way that is Tatar, and should not be confused with Tartar the cream of which is well known for raising cakes rather than issues of sovereignty.

Of course we could all chip in our theories as to why this battle has commenced and they would probably all hinge on political issues. Is it a new front for the old cold war? Is it another example of leaders of major powers trying to prove who has the biggest weapons (or dick)? Or who has the greatest political regime and who believes in freedom and who believes in totalitarianism?

While each of these arguments is enticing from a debater’s point of view, I believe it would be fair to say we don’t need any more mass examples of this kind of debating, if you get my drift. We’ve seen enough of that from world leaders already.

I, like many people really hope this current showdown does not erupt into a full-scale Armageddon conflict or even, God forbid, a ‘limited tactical nuclear strike’ which is a complete oxymoron and one that most American politicians seem incapable of pronouncing correctly anyway.

However I have no doubt that there will be a protracted battle involving lots of firepower and lots of innocent deaths followed by the usual raping, pillaging, and ethnic cleansing and thereafter the usual tut-tutting of the U.N. (United Nitwits). When it is all over and a couple of major leaders have waved a piece of paper around saying that peace has been brokered (what an appropriate word is that, in this context?) there will be a couple of show trials that will pay for some luxurious playthings for a bunch of already obscenely remunerated lawyers, take 10-20 years to complete and eventually let the miscreants off because by then they will be 90 years old and sick.

So what’s my theory about why this is all happening? Well it’s a simple matter of economics. Every few decades the money men want something to kick some growth into the major economies and nothing does that quite as well as a war. Wars cost outrageous sums of money and the peddlers of arms make ridiculous profits. Major corporations and many of the world’s richest people have seriously large financial interests tied up in the arms industry and like every other war it is their need for larger returns that has driven nations into armed combat.

Like most situations where people act in a way normal folks would see as irrational and illogical the answer to why is, ‘Who stands to benefit from this?’ and nine times out of ten the answer can be found by following the money. I have no doubt the latest Crimean crisis is no different and all the other reasons proffered by the warring parties are simply a cover story.

Now you can see why a certain gentleman of the Essene persuasion chucked the money men out of the temple all those years ago.

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