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Gypsy Steals Italian Election

Updated on March 15, 2018

Political analysts stunned globally, where did she come from?

The world woke up completely confused Tuesday morning. The results of this crazy unusual election left many candidates feeling like they had been robbed. It appears not only Italians are confused, as American President Donald Trump accidentally called and congratulated Marine Le Pen. CNN reported that the Gypsy stole an entire voting booth, hiding it under her dress. We have been unable to verify this information. Sources close to the newly-elected Prime Minister say that she is experimenting with the modern practice of wearing shoes.

How did this happen?

No one really knows. Her campaign was funded completely by supporters, raising approximately 25 euro in coins. While mainstream candidates Berlusconi and Renzi were kissing babies, she stalked tourists in St. Peter's Square in Rome. This is where she raised her money, and apparently gained the support of Italian voters by bothering American tourists. The Pope even made an appearance, precisely throwing a 2 euro coin into the gypsy's cup from the speedy little golf cart that the world acknowledges as the Pope Mobile.

Candidate for Prime Minister, Burlesconi, hugs a goat at a rally with farmers
Candidate for Prime Minister, Burlesconi, hugs a goat at a rally with farmers

Who is she?

Born at the summit of Mt Vesuvius, Povera Scarpa (ironically translating to poor shoe) was abandoned in one of the thirty-six ancient brothels of Pompeii. She currently resides in a humble shack on the side of the highway in Favela, Naples. She is proudly raising her three children Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Rumor has it that when she turns fifty the prophecy of Pompeii will be fulfilled and Mount Vesuvius will bury Naples in a wave of fire and fury.

What comes next?

Povera Scarpa is preparing a bill for parliament allowing the use of military aircraft to drop euros in plazas and squares. The left coalition has thrown in its support while the right were reported to have full-blown seizures. Right wingers argue that this will be the destruction of trickle-down economics, resulting in gravity-defying trickle-up economics. When we asked Povera Scarpa to respond to such criticism she responded "How do my sketchers look? If I stomp my feet they light up like the Carabinieri cars!"

Sources close to the Prime Gypsy say that within her first hundred days in office she plans to return Egyptian obelisks to Israel, as well as outlaw hot dogs for breakfast. She will implement a law that requires canned peaches to be served at every meal and routinely checked to make sure they aren't fizzy.

© 2018 Togs

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