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"Man Without Life" - Family man without its real personality and freedom.
Little bit controversial caption for a Hub ? Little bit maybe patterned label ? "I have no life..." , "There is no reason to live..." and similar sentences can be often heard by adolescents and teens in period when they search their "I", and their "meaning of life".
Well, dear readers, I am not here to write about bit patterned story about how life has no meaning or how I suffered in my life... There are too much even worse stories, I believe, than mine if it would be written.But, the thing is, or the main topic of this hub will be is my life just someone others dream, is my life someone others caprice ? Can someone, who gave You life to take it too ? Can someone, who gave me a life, to put me into agony of not feeling a life like it's mine...? Is it right to give 21. year old life in hand of the same person to control and, "for Your own good", reduce You life-meaning medicines ? Is there something call "human right" that regulates this kind of questions, and am I that that is wrong?
Stucked in this battle alone
So, I am asking You, what shall I do? To go from home, and be on street, until I grab a chance to work and earn enough for a rent room/house ? Tell me, is this a life? I even called a toll-free number dedicated for those who want to commit suicide... telling them my problem, they response was: "Talk to your mother... Make her think and/or put the facts on paper and work it out. It's not worth of it... You have lot to live in future...". On my question, what to live when I don't know will I get to eat and my medicines tomorrow, there was some objective answer trying to calm me down.
What am I if my brother calls me "junkie", my sister is brainwashed from their stories... so she is more of their thinking... What is my life if I have no external peace at least in the hose where I spent most of my life ? What is the meaning of life, when You no longer have anyone to talk to, to help you get trough... When your own biological parents, both, on daily-basis insult You, telling you in face that that badly can wait to see your back...
Is this kind of life worth of living? What have I done to deserve this hell, this agony that lasts for years now... What have I done to make my whole family to see me as a "bill" that needs to be payed. Is it worth of living, the life full of heart-scaring sentences, hitting You there where it hurts the most ? Is there any solution, or institution at least, where I could go and have just peace with my basic things - food, and medicines, being able to take a bath (basic hygiene) ?
I have 3 friends died in past four years, years of my battling addiction, all my friends are gone thanks to my parents, and all I have is my current girlfriend that supports me as much as she can, but she is unable to help me in having somewhere to go - leaving this agony behind and try to forget all this what is still happening while I'm writing this.
P.S : I even have created fast-growing, non-profit community of those who share similar past and present. Community, based on web site and forum, where ex addicts can talk, exchange knowledge, being a normal person without daily-judgement of community... From every-day visited web-site, to forum that for just 2 months has over 500 replies, topics... and around 40 active users. Web-site that is part of Euro-Asian Harm Reduction Network ... And etc... But, I have to hide this from mom - because "I embarrass her because whole town (total population: 30.000 ) know for it" - not true at all! Only those who type in things related to opiate addiction can find the site.
Any comments, or suggestions, are welcome!
No life, or have it in hands of others ?
Have you ever experienced situations where your own mom calls you with names that you wouldn't tell to the worst enemy? Not even to someone that you hate so much... rather to keep mouth shut, than to tell so, so, so disgusting and offensive words. Can son, the middle child, become the most hated person in family? Can that really happen? Is there someone who experienced same? - If there is, conversation with people who went trough common things help.
Yes - I was a heroin addict. I disgraced my family, and maybe I deserve words like: " I am ashamed of You... Can You please not hang out with those, those are the pupils that I give IT lessons to... You've become a herb! I can not wait to see Your back... Tomorrow, I don't want see you in my house.Take your medicines, and just go - I don't want to know that I even have you as a son... You are one manipulative bastard, that's why you get these kind of treatment..." But little fast rewind to the back of this paragraph. Take a look at first sentence. The key word is WAS. Now, I am on Methadone Maintenance Treatment, and it saved my life - that is the fact that when my parents are sober accept.
Can You call this a life? No support from "key players" in therapy... These kind of sentences ... to own son ... Everyday! The latest "example" was 2 days ago, when at the "night routine" - when mommy and daddy drink either vodka, or 2/3 vine + 1/3 mineral water in 3 dL - dad started his routine of insulting me while drinking and watching some football game or tennis with sentences like: "Come on fat piggy, turn the volume up ... What have you done today fat piggy except sleeping and eating and going to bathroom? (I've had to change a sentence a little bit, in original they are too offensive and ...) Druggie, have you ate your dinner? Now you can sleep again, right? Hey, .... (my mom calling) ... junkie washed dishes today - it has to be something big, right ruined-man ? " . It would be so painful if I am really fat, which I am certainly NOT, and if I am still some drug addict... Which I am, once again - NOT.
Than, after an hour of that kind of conversation, mom jumps into conversation defending me, but in same time telling me that I have exactly one year to get of of methadone. From my birthday, to next birthday - she wants to see me without ANY medication. If I feel like I don't want to, or I am not ready : "... OK, you get ready on street... You know that old abandoned house, you will even have a similar friends there - and be "the bill" and "huge weight" to them. I am not, and I don't want to be, anymore your nurse or someone that will supervise You. I am full of that. Wanna do methadone, go to street my son - do whatever you want to." - That is the support I get, and the "defense" from the insults.
So, from above, You can assume that all my medicines - methadone, diazepam, and clonazepam are in her hands. She is the one that gives me, and she is the one that decides how much do I need to take for a day of those - IGNORING what doctors have prescribed.
Some of the medicines, even she takes - diazepam mostly, clonazepam when the first is gone... I really don't know are they mixing it with drink, and I can understand her big work to keep this family "on feet", but ... I think I have right to live, choose, live MY life, being cured, right to be treated with minimum human respect / decency....
... I DON'T SEE "THE END OF THE TUNNEL" AND THAT IS THE WORSE ... I am 22. on 10th of April , so, I should have everything in my hand - but I simply don't - because "this is her house, and I must play by her rules. If I don't want to - I know where the street is.". I'm starting to be suicidal... This is not a life. This is pure agony, or even "hell on earth".
ANY SUGGESTION, COMMENT OR ANYTHING IS WELCOME