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Tackling Opiate/Heroin/Methadone Addiction : What's the price of normal life ? Can we have free opinion, treatment -LIFE
NOT EVEN ONCE
Life (street) Soldier
Before I started to write this Hub, I wasn't sure where, in what category, to put this Hub of mine.I think, this is the best. Now, the thing is that every person has a thinking that he had much more worse and harder experience than someone else, specially younger. Let me tell you something. I'm 21 ,and within past 7 years, I've went (and I still go) trough a period that leaves me no, or little bit, of faith that something will change, or that I will have a normal life...
Still, year and a month after I've went into Methadone Maintenance Treatment, I have a feeling that I have little to no chances of living a normal life, outside the "barriers of Balkan". Balkan is an really strange place, with original mentality among people. Balkan is a place of traditional, orthodox, way of life and place where educated youth have little (again) to NO chance at all to succeed and have a normal life.Nothing more, just a normal life. Especially in Serbia, things are very though, and because of circumstances , people often call me "street soldier". I would rather call myself "life soldier". You see, even with my high educational degree, IT Academy Certificated Network Administrator, I have no job and no hope that I will EVER find it here, in Serbia, especially if you take in mind that I'm on M.M.T and that methadone is considered here as same as heroin is. So, practically, I'm here , even tho I do NOT take illicit opiates anymore, I am treated by people as an druggie or junkie...I mean, specific, about torture that people around give me, INCLUDING family. Only, by the law, I am same as any other person, and I shall not be discriminated - BUT - that is just on a paper, and I don't see Serbia as a place like Germany, Switzerland, Norway or even Austria or Bulgaria- where EX(that suffix is VERY IMPORTANT but people are often ignorant to it) addict can or has an opportunity to live a normal (so,JUST normal) life.
Nobody ask me...
Do you have the same feeling, as me, that nobody asks you how do you feel ? Do you get the impression that everything that you do, in Your life, is actually someone else's dream? I don't say that my family don't want me well/good, but they don't question at all how do I feel really! All they think is that I want to be on opiates all the time, and that I am in M.M.T, to get free drug from state.It is not true at all. I would give everything on Earth, just to live normal, as any other person at my age does. With my level of education, and with my IQ, persons in my age- usually- already have a job or at least they have some kind of job that brings enough money - for them-self. Why can't I live normal? Is God punishing me, and making the rest of my life more miserable that it already is? I don't say that I live some life of an homeless man, and that I don't have food on a table, but I have a feeling that I would rather have only dry-bread on table, instead being treated by environment like someone that is nothing more than an extra "bill" to the housing micro-economy. I feel like an smart, young, good looking man - without nothing, that have no one, that is alone, even tho I have a beautiful girlfriend and family, I feel that no body needs me and that I just bring bad to everyone. My mom has to give me my dose of methadone, for instance, every day. Her specific look is not the only think that "kills me" at the start of the day, the other think kills me... It is the fact that, how time passes, my organism is developing tolerance to specific dosage. I am on same (96mg) dosage of 4. months now! I feel like ... I have, more and more often, those waves of cravings for opiate feeling more and more. Sometimes, very rarely, I get in to possession of more methadone and when I add an extra 70mg to my 96mg - I feel just right, as I supposed to feel. But the real thing, if You can imagine is: my mom, the head of family, said: " Boris, if you rise your dosage, just by 1mg - you can pack Your things and get a f*** on street.I don't care anymore. " .
Is this kind of "being mom" normal? Is the problem in me? I really need the higher dose, the only thing that kept me all this time off heroin is the right dose of methadone. But, once again - NOBODY ASKS ME.
Eternal question remains...
I was treated several times, until just my 18th year. I've went trough two intra-hospital detoxifications, few in-home detoxifications, treatment with opiate-antagonists (opiate blockaders like NaltraxoneR) , but non of above helped. Team of specialist gathered, for the third time, and there was already, piece of paper waiting for me on the table. They didn't ask me, anything, just gave me that ( the signing in paper for MMT ), and told my mom this: " Mame, Boris will be the the youngest patients on methadone, and I have to say that, by this measure, because he is really too smart, we are taking one leg from him! " . Can you imagine ???! Can you imagine what it was like, to see my mom, already as an person that is too skeptic about M.M.T and that's attached to the stigma that follows the ' done , to see her and her tears in eyes when that female Psychiatric Court Specialist/Neuropsychiatric Specialist/ the head of the "team" (the "team" is group of specialist made of psychologist, psychiatrist, MD , Psychiatric Court Specialist, and many more... that DECIDE who will and who DON'T enter in to MMT) told my mom that kind of sentence ? Until day today's , my mom dreams about that sentence. But, fortunately, I've made her think, a little bit, different when I've finished my IT Academy, gained diploma, and stated to think different, and to have a different persons around me.
Anyway, the real question still remains, now I am more than a year on methadone and clean of any other drug - including marijuana. To be honest, I don't see any perspective for me, or what so ever. I don't see myself, as I used to, working for some successful company/firm or making my own. I don't see any NORMAL (nothing much) life for me, here in Serbia at least. I dream, I dream every day to go away from this place, to another country where people wouldn't judge my PAST, where people would appreciate my efforts to success against this chronic mental decease and employ me - within my skills, personal characteristics, and what I actually am. To be honest, I more and more start to thinking even suicidal when I think about my future. I've made so much effort, I've put so much energy in to beating heroin addiction , but nobody seems to appreciate it. I really don't know what to do. I've searching for a job, every single day, there is no job for me. When there is no job, I think anyone would feel useless. With my 21. year , I have no job, I am on methadone (which I think is good, because it saved me and my life and got me off of heroin) and my family is starting to putting pressure on me to get off from methadone and leave the treatment and to start as soon as possible "drug-free" life - "for my benefit".
Will I ever have normal life, being free?
Can a person on medication like methadone, and on therapy like methadone maintenance is - but clear from illicit opiates, have a normal life? Can that person find a job, start a family and remain free from prejudges? Actually, can a person maintaining free from heroin or any other opiate, but still in a treatment (so , secured of relapse) like methadone kind is - to find a job and earn enough to start living on its own , or everyone who is on some kind of maintenance related treatment for addiction can't live normal until they get off from it ? In that case, why and how come that M.M.T (the methadone treatment for addicts) is meant as long-lasting one, or actually many of people in it - stay forever. Do they get a job, or eventually they get on the street ? What can I expect from life, and is my effort to be as much educated as I can, will repay or... my skill and knowledge will remain wasted and I will in one point stay homeless ? What tomorrow can bring to guy like me ... Is my life worth of living? I am really not sure.