Profile of a Bully
Bullying Follows a Pattern
Being the subject of many a bully's taunts and harassment over the years the thing that strikes me is the pattern into which they fall. Many blame poor education and being of a lower socio-economic background which is just not the case.
They come from all walks of life and often the most priviledged are the worst of bullies and they expect others to curtail to their whims and wiley ways. Many are unaware or simply unable to stop the behaviour which may have started almost from birth. Like most intelligent kids my first brush with bullies came while in infants school.
In fact it started my very first day there at the age of just four and a half. The school frightened me because there was something about the nuns that brought flashbacks, probably from my previous life. I was terrified is more to the point when a certain nun pounced on me. She turned me upside down and in front of the whole class smacked me hard on my bottom several times because I did not want to go into the room and was bawling my eyes out to go home. As soon as she let go I was off and two senior girls were sent after me but I could outrun them.
Collapsing in my Nana's driveway, less than five minutes away for this speedster, my dear auntie put her head out of the window and called the girls off. They had caught up and were now lying on top of me. It took some talking me around before I would go back there. To my credit I did manage to kick the nun hard in the shin before I left.
What Provokes a Bully?
Is there any defence?
A small child being beaten upside down by a nun in front of a class of pupils is unforgivable. In fact any beating of a child is unforgiveable. Yet it happens every day and in all societies. But a nun?
Over the years I took profiles of bullies and examined their background, life style, situations and friends. It is very revealing, Most have low self esteem, are insecure for one reason or another, are not high achievers and they like to ridicule and put down anyone who is 'better' than they are in the eyes of society.
They feed off others who, like themselves, fit the same pattern. Together they build power among themselves and can become a strong force, such as certain bikie gang members, like the Hell's Angels, or the Mafia. They are rarely alone in their day and may often be surrounded by or in contact with others who, in turn, feed off the same tools while electing one as a leader. Their conscience, if they have one, is eased by the laughter and joy they get through the pain of their victims.
They usually have a support base where they can spin a yarn or two about their activities and be completely exonerated, even praised for their deeds. Their victims usually include defenceless people, children, animals and even entire countries. Some are so clever at their evil that they can become leaders and starve, murder, grow rich and win a place in history.
Among such people we should list Hitler, Constantine (Roman Emperor), Idi Amin, Mugabe, Sadam Hussain and many others that are either still alive or whom history will remember as tyrants.
How Many Bullies Do You Know? - How many victims?
They are in all walks of life from work situations to kindergarten, from the home to the street, from the school to the parlow and from the internet to forums.
Have you or someone you know been victimised by a bully?
The Profile of A Bully
What makes him/her tick
The bullies I have known, including an x-husband, had duel personalities. They display calm, charm and good intentions to others while to their victims they are cruel, destructive, deceitful, vindictive, shallow and undermining of all the other's works. They worm their way in with their charm but their sting is full of poison and they are out to get you. Beware who you sleep with!
It is this double standard that tricks people into not believing the victims when they try to speak out. They are silenced by the confusion. The bully has exceptional verbal skills and can outmanoeuver their prey in times of conflict.
Bullies are impassioned compulsive liars who will make up anything to suit their needs at the moment. The captive knows this and is told in no uncertain terms what will happen if he/she escapes or turns on the predator. He builds up the picture of horror which is terrifying enough to make even the most miserable life in his presence bearable.
According to Wikipedia bullies are "often described as smooth, slippery, slimy, ingratiating, fawning, toadying, obsequious, sycophantic and unusually skilled". They state plausibly what others want to hear thus suucking up to them. They also display a good sense of humour and laugh spontaneously to throw people off their guard by making wisecracks or jokes and portraying themselves as nice to know.
Bullies are untrustworthy and unreliable, usually unable to complete a task or they do it poorly. They tend to make an effort but all the while with an eye on engaging someone else to do it for them at no cost to themselves. They fit the role of dictator perfectly and are able to control their victims thoughts, beliefs and actions with compulsive force.
Bullies also have a compulsive need to criticise while never giving credit or praise and acknowledgement to others for their achievements, or their existence. They are also quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit another who calls him/her to account while they, in turn, demand praise and attention for whatever they do.
Without a doubt they are spiritually dead although they may cling to a religious belief or affiliation as a cover for what they have not got. They are also generally mean-spirited, officious, and often unbelievably petty while displaying a mean, stingy, and financially untrustworthy mind. They are also greedy, selfish and a parasite that bleeds victims dry before they move on to another. Their charm quickly opens another door to another victim.
They believe strongly in their quality as leaders and fraudulently claim to have qualifications, experience, titles, entitlements or affiliations that are at least ambiguous, misleading, or make-believe. They gain strength from violent movies, games, pronography and anti-social connections. They operate behind one's back to outmanoeuvre the ones they fear or who are a threat to their actions.
Their greatest weapons are the promises they make which will never be fulfilled. They are always going to make life better for their victims, always promising the world while taking everything they can squeeze out of the arrangement, but when the chips are called in they may also turn to murder or suicide to escape the consequences.
Typical bullies of this nature are leaders like Mugabe, Saddam Hussein and others who deprive their people of necessities, such as food, while they build up their own wealth and defence forces to ward off interference from the outside world. North Korea is another case in point where successive bullies have imprisoned the people and forced obedience through such control. There are many more countries in the same fix and who can forget what happened to Tibet and Cambodia while in Burma (Myanmar) the democratically elected leader, Aung San Suu Kyi, has been a prisoner for some 20 years while milirary dictators rule.
Killing many thousands of their own people is also typical of such tyrants. Hitler killed millions as did Stalin and Constantine while Hussein would shoot his best friend dead for practically nothing if it suited him.
Cyber Bullies - They are also here in Squidoo
Someone has been attacking me in the forums here for no clear reason and others have believed her. The feelings it brings up knowing that this person is out to get me is awful but I choose to ignore her posts in threads because I do not want to add fuel to the fire. She is a bully and what she is doing will come back to haunt her in the Spirit's time.
How Much Should We Allow Without Censorship? - Should we push for control over what others do?
Should Networking sites and forums be censored
Social Networking - The strength and its weaknesses
Through these sites one can quickly post information that is instantly read by thousands of people, many of whom may be criminals, bullies, abusers, pedophiles or anti-social people. The Internet is the two way radio of yesterday only now it is faster, more available and much easier to use. Bullies can drum up support from others in an instant, can target a victim, threaten, control and maintain fear through it. If you are online - BEWARE!
Anti Social Personality Disorder APD
And the Serial Bully
You will recognise him from his actions. Control freak, charming, constant criticism, nit picking, manipulative, specialist in intimidation and always needing others to feed his many moods. One day charming and supportive, the next acting like the world just caved in.
"The bully selects their target using the following criteria:
* bullies are predatory and opportunistic - you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time; this is always the main reason - investigation will reveal a string of predecessors, and you will have a string of successors
* being good at your job, often excelling
* being popular with people (colleagues, customers, clients, pupils, parents, patients, etc)
* more than anything else, the bully fears exposure of his/her inadequacy and incompetence; your presence, popularity and competence unknowingly and unwittingly fuel that fear
* being the expert and the person to whom others come for advice, either personal or professional (ie you get more attention than the bully)
* having a well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise
* having a strong sense of integrity (bullies despise integrity, for they have none, and seem compelled to destroy anyone who has integrity)
* having at least one vulnerability that can be exploited
* being too old or too expensive (usually both)
* refusing to join an established clique
* showing independence of thought or deed
* refusing to become a corporate clone and drone"
Jealousy may be a trigger but it is more likely to be the bully's lack of abilities that cause the reaction.
Intelligence is a funny thing. I believe we are born with it while others think that learning and acquiring skills is the source. But the brain is the decider. How much one can think and do is not limited to one's sex or education but simpy to the ability of the mind to solve problems.
When I look at a puzzle for the first time my mind examines all the possibilites of resolving it until an answer is found. The bullies brain turns to mush and he/she will look to steal ideas from others to make it look like they have come up with the solution, thereby, gaining rewards they are not entitled to. But don't try to protest unless you have evidence because they have covered themselves well. They can easily work out how to defeat you. They will plagiarise, steal, deride and undermine the original solver of the problem, therefore, so they gain the advantage. History is full of this type of bullying whereby women, for example, have lost out to men who take their ideas and run with them.
Men are good at bullying women and constantly putting them down with derisive remarks, ridicule and control. They use the ideas of women to climb to the top and are on executive boards and in parliaments where they usually just take without giving much back. If they have a good woman behind them then they are well on their way to success. You know the adage "behind every good man . . . "
Why Be a Victim?
Can one escape the torment?
When one is subjected to constant ridicule and intimidation they loose power to retaliate, to remove themselves from the situation, and they usually withdraw while thinking that society does not want them.
In a recent case in Australia a woman was acquitted of murdering her husband because he was a bully. Not only was he controlling her every move and thought but outwardly appeared to be a wonderful husband and provider, In the home he frequently bashed her demanded all types of things from her, separated her from her friends and in a final act of sheer savagery told her he was going to kill one of their children.
He demanded that she tell him which one to kill and he nominated a day when it would take place and marked it on a calendar. As the day drew ever closer she somehow managed to acquire a gun that she was able to pay someone to get for her. That night she put some sleeping pills in his tea or coffee and when he was asleep in bed she shot him twice through the temple. But that did not kill him outright and it took him some time to die from loss of blood.
No one in her family or his ever suspected or knew of the abuse and terror she was going through but their children did and they verified the torment and hate he perpetrated against their mother. In fact, his family is demanding that she go to jail for the crime.
So why didn't she escape? Because he told her that if she walked out of the marriage he would come after her, chase her down and kill her and the kids. This is the control that such people exercise over their victims. It is not only themselves that appear to be in danger but other loved members of their family.
In another case recently in Victoria, Australia, a man deliberately drove his car off the road into a dam and drowned his three young children to get back at his wife. He had access for the week-end and on the way home, with the youngest one just 2 years old, he contrived this act. The woman in question lost her entire family in one blow by a bully that she had escaped from. But she did not escape because she will suffer the pain and wear the guilt for the rest of her life. Unfortunately the courts award custody to bullies and do not listen to claims of harassment unless there is absolute proof.
In another recent case a man returning his young daughter from an access, stopped in the middle of a major bridge in Melbourne and tossed the girl over. She crashed onto the cement at the base of the pilon and was killed instantly. These cases, heard around the same time in Victorian courts, demonstrate that the bullies believe the law can't or won't touch them and that they are free to carry out their horror with society's blessing.
Poor Little Girl - Probably in a much better place now.
Society Plays into the Hands of Bullies
Movies, music, games, big business and governments
The bully's power is reinforced through movies that portray men dominating women and children. Through games that show men winning out against the law or stomping over their neighbous's rights, property or family. Through novels and other things that fill the mind with such power and incentive.
It is escapism that allows the bully to practise his terror in the unreal world of make-believe in which he can be the judge, jury and executioner while excusing his/her own violence and anti-social behaviour. Yet society allows these things and then is horrified when bullies commit their crimes and terrorise others. One can beg all one likes but that won't stop them?
Women uually bully men over money and security but they rarely get to influence whole countries although they can kill their own children in retaliation agsinst a spouse or partner.
One night whilst driving along a major Sydney artery towards the city around 10pm the road was almost deserted except for a group of bikies who came up and rode on either side of the car. They then lit crackers and tossed them in front of it so that the thing exploded when the car went over it. If I went fast so did they and if I slowed down so did they. Too scared to stop I prayed for a policeman ro turn up but none did and as I got further in towards the city they pulled away. Did I report them? No!
What made them do it? Thrills of seeing a young female (which I was at that time) terrorised, at the prospect that the car would explode, was as good as some of the video games are today.
How many times do we see kids bullying others and filming their acts and placing their videos on U-tube? There are thousands of such cases. Do we object? No!
What about the violence in music these days? Loud, raucous, violent noise that is ugly to listen to and the artists are even uglier to look at yet these so-called artists are making millions. They have captured the minds of the young who now imitate their idlos and when they don't succeed at being like them may become bullies and even terrorists to others.. It is all a part of sanctioning of bully behaviour while burying the troubles that beset all societies at this time.
What Should We be Doing to Stop Bullies? - Is there any solution?
Do you have an answer?
Still images from Dreamstime - click here
© 2010 norma-holt