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Violence and Relationships

Updated on April 27, 2016

My Story and some useful information for anyone seeking help for themselves or a loved one.

Here is a briefing of my story and how I am dealing with things now:


In 2008, shortly after moving away from home some 200 miles, I met a man who seemed to be relatively well put together. He had full custody of his son, a full-time job, and made decent money. He was introduced to me through a friend, who at the time warned me of his rocky past and messy divorce with which he was still dealing with, despite being finalized earlier that same year.

We talked for much of the night where we met and had a few drinks, much to my surprise, at the end of the night, he went his own way and I went mine, but we agreed to meet again the following week.

These types of meetings continued for a brief time, and before you know it we were moved in together and had our own place. In the midst of starting our new relationship I discovered I was pregnant due to a date I had gone on shortly before we met. I was drugged and raped, and now pregnant. I wanted to keep my daughter instantly, for it is my personal belief that it is not the child's fault that someone committed a crime. Plus as soon as I found out I was pregnant, maternal instinct kicked in and I was already loving my daughter so much.

I told him about the situation and what had happened. I told the truth. He said he would stay and help me raise her as his own, (what a guy...) Time went on and we became comfortable with each other everyday. I did love him, for at this point in our relationship we were fine, he was fine. He worked hard everyday and I stayed home and did household chores.

A couple years after my daughter was born, we started to fight more often and his verbal abuse was very hurtful, though it was not abuse, he wasn't physically hitting me or putting his hands on me, as I so thought back then. He would blame me for cheating, a lot. Though with no car and no phone or even house phone or internet, cheating would have been quite the challenge.

He took the vehicle with him to work everyday along with the cell phone that we shared. When I asked for a cell phone, his exact words were, " Why do you need a cell phone? Women don't know how to handle a cell phone, they lack will power and self-discipline, that's why they cheat."

I only wanted a cell phone for the sake of the children and so I could call my parents.

To keep this as short as possible I am only going to tell you about three events that took place during our relationship and the last one was the final straw, and which also lead to the position I am in now. Though I am better, things and sometimes everyday life is still challenging.

December 2012- we got into a fight about something, now I can't even remember what it was about, but I am sure it involved me "cheating", and let me just add that the closest I ever came to "cheating" was calling my father to tell him I love him. We were staying at a friend's house at the time and he came home and almost immediately started arguing with me over something...next thing I know I was being thrown from one end of the finished basement to the other. I had cuts and bruises and I begged him to stop. He even put my head through a wall that night. Much to our roommates surprise the next day.

December 25, 2011 9:45pm- We had gone out that day to a friends house where he had just come back from. I was laying in bed about to fall asleep, when he came barging in the door and started yelling at me because the living room light on the second floor was on and he claimed that as soon as he pulled the light went off. The roommate and I according to him were fooling around. None of this was true!! I had not even stepped foot upstairs since he had left. He jumped on top of me and immediately put his hands around my neck and started to choke me, I don't remember much of what was said after that. All I remember was the roommate coming in the room and he attacked him in an effort to stop him from saving me. The police were called and a complaint was filed and I later dropped the charges by default because I did not show up to the court hearing. I was admitted into the hospital that night for a severe concussion and released the next day. the cops had not caught him the night before because he had already fled the scene before they arrived.

A couple weeks later I went back to him. And things were ok. He apologized profusely for all his wrong-doings and treated me like gold for about a month.

The final night, the worst night of all was when we were staying at another friends house in a different town. We moved around a lot to hide him from the police who at this point were always looking for him.

We were arguing again because I had gone out with my biological father that day and was not home in time for him to get off work. He blamed me for sleeping with my own father!!!!!!!!! We argued back and forth for hours, to which got me absolutely nowhere. I finally had had enough and I attempted to walk away and I got outside into an alley where he came up from behind me and grabbed me around my neck and body slammed me onto the asphalt.

All I remember him saying was, " Don't you dare try to leave me ever again because, if you do, I will kill you right in front of your own daughter and then I will kill her". At this point he also had a gun in his hand and to this day I can still feel the barrel of that gun against my temple, and the smell of a gun that had just been fired filled up the night like a dark cloud. He did not shoot me, there happened to be a police officer in the area that night who had received a distressing call from the neighbor who had heard all the commotion. As soon as headlights appeared at the other end of the alley, my perpetrator was gone like a ghost.

I am still friends with that police officer to this day. But the story doesn't end here. It keeps going and going. However, he was finally arrested and charged with simple assault in August 29, 2013. After that final attack I got my daughter out of the situation she was in and handed her over temporarily to a friend who I knew could keep her safe, meanwhile I tried my best to wait for a window of opportunity to escape without getting chased down.

I do see my daughter every other weekend and any other time I want. Her guardian and I still close friends and we are in the process of terminating the guardianship. I am one of lucky ones, I got away and I am healing. I deal with some PTSD that comes and goes, but for the most part I am doing very well! I am returning to school in June and majoring in criminal justice. I have my own car now with a license and a full time job working with TBI patients and the autistic adults. Since October of 2015 I have been in a healthy relationship with my current boyfriend.

For those of you seeking help for someone, don't take what anyone has to say as joke. Support them, love them, and reassure them everyday. it is a long road to recovery but it can be done with some help and faith from friends and family.

I want to add that these are not the only incidents that took place in our 5 year relationship, there are so many more that occurred and throughout time I will elaborate more on them.


Facts:

Domestic violence is not always just physical abuse, it is also psychological abuse, emotional abuse, and mental abuse

Domestic violence does not discriminate. It doesn't care about race, color, gender, or religion, or age

Domestic violence usually starts gradually. An unkind word here and there is more than enough for a red flag!!

Red Flags:

controlling- social life, school, any kind of media device is at first well monitored and eventually taken away.

threats- " if you don't listen to me I am going to __________"

separation from family and friends

"No one will love you the way I do"

"No one can love you, except me"

Often the victim will have her/his rights taken away:

they may not be allowed to:

have a job

have a social life

have their own money

further their education

any kind of connection they have with the outside world, he/she will try to control those things, ( i.e. cell phones, computers, laptops, tablets, even a simple house phone)

Accusatory statements: cheating

stealing

lying

anything negative that cannot be backed up with any substantial evidence is a possible red flag

these are only a few of the signs


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