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My Trip to Venus (and Mars)
The trip to Venus was shaping up to be a long arduous trek because I couldn't find a ship going that way at Christmas! I'm not sure I could have done it without the help of Wikipediaman. Since I mentioned him recently and he was on my mind I gave him a call and he said I could hitch a ride with him on his way to planet Zelkiiro (he was going home for his holiday celebrations which are coincidentally held during our Christmas vacation but they don't celebrate Christmas, their holiday is called Hubba Hubba Pagan Days). Funny, when I asked him about that holiday he told me that "Happy Holidays" became a popular saying on earth because by law that is the only thing they are allowed to say on planet Zelkiiro. Their "holiday" Hubba Hubba Pagan Days, derived its name from the first Zelkiiroans to discover earth way back in our pagan times. Get this, he said Hub Pages was really a concept derived from their holiday "Hubba Hubba Pagan Days" and is run by Zelkiiroans who hold pagan rituals at night in the Hub Pages' headquarters. Wikipediaman showed me where to find this written in Wikipedia, so of course it has to be true! I have to say having him along for the trip with his You Tube Vision really made time fly, we were able to watch all kinds of You Tube Videos (not that they were consoidered evidence of anything) in hyper speed!
So I arrived on Planet Venus. You know what, it was no surprise, just like the book says women come from planet Venus! They are manufactured there by a process which actually cannot be described in human words! There are no words I can think of that could possibly describe it even though the Venusian women described it in great detail to me in my language many times but now I still find it impossible to actually say what they meant....this is mind boggling to me.
They have a special place of honor for men who make the trip to planet Venus. It's called the man castle and they treat you like a king, waiting on your every need or want. I could see out the window of the castle in the yard a small shed like structure with an opening but no door. It looked like a dog house so I asked "do you have dogs on Venus because my wife on earth, she loves dogs but she could never have one" and they said oh, no that's just "THE" doghouse. You won't be here long enough to see it but it has a use for the "special" visitors. Like many other things they said to me I still don't know exactly what she meant by that. Then she changed the subject, "If your wife could have a dog what kind of dog do you think she would like?" I said "Oh, she has always dreamed of having two Siberian Huskies, like her own little pack." Just as if she asked nothing and I said nothing she continued talking about another subject with the other women.
Amazingly Venusian women know why you are there without even asking or else they tell you why you are there, somehow I think on Venus both of those things are the same thing. While I was in their presence it made perfect sense but now I'm not sure what happened there. I was reminded of the times on Earth speaking with a woman when I felt I was on another planet. I guess now that I am on another planet I realize that really was what it feels like to be on another planet!
Anyway on Venus as long as I was in their presence and quietly listening to them talk to each other and me I felt this euphoria, a kind of anticipation of serenity just being in their presence and hearing their soft voices. Whenever I spoke however it was like I dropped a big book on the floor, it made me feel like shutting up and not saying a word which I am used to doing anyway in the presence of women, though I'm not sure why.
Well I eventually asked them why is it that men and women on earth seem to have a hard time communicating. After a long discussion with several of the women on Venus I gave up. It seemed that, if I remember correctly, on Venus my memory of my conversations with them were never exactly what they said they said. All I ever got to say to them in these conversations was "but". I'd ask a question, they'd say something, I'd say "but", then they'd continue to talk, I'd say "but", then they'd go on. It was like they knew what I was going to say after "but" before I got a chance to say it!
Finally, they all came together and told me I made a mistake coming to Venus, there was nothing they could do for me and that I need to go, not back to earth, no they said definitely not there but directly to Mars and ask for an upgrade.
They said Mars had been working on "my problems" (my problems? huh!) for many years and although they were not there yet they had made great progress fixing these glitches in men which apparently they thought I displayed. I laughed, I said, "You think there is a problem with me? Well I think maybe there is...." but before I could finish the sentence they had already huddled and were whispering among themselves as if I didn't even exist. I tried to listen but all I could pick up were bits and pieces like "doghouse" (I heard that several times) "Mars," "must go," "can't stay," and just when I was about to break in they broke their huddle and smilingly said, "here, take this ticket...we have arranged transport to Mars and then back to Earth for you! You can be home before New Year's Eve!"
Well I had been wondering how I would get home because
...has been said to be an unreliable source, so I took them up on their offer and to my surprise I was whisked away IMMEDIATELY!
The trip to Mars was uneventful but when I arrived I was treated like I'd been in an accident. Some sort of space medics greeted me and began deprograming me, question after question, machine gun style, a stark difference from the serenity I found just being in the presence of the women on Venus. The men on Mars definitely had a job to do and they got right about doing it. I tried to talk to them but it was like they just weren't listening to a word I said and could care less about what I was feeling! I think it was the stark contrast of Martian behavior when compared to the nice visit I had on Venus that brought out my observations of these differences but in just a few minutes, guess what, I felt right at home. They put me in a room with two other guys watching football on TV.
I said, "Hey,"
they replied "Hey".
One asked, "You here for the upgrade? "
I said, "yeah, you?" The other said, "yeah, make that two."
And we watched football until nightfall.
The next day I woke up and two guys (space medics with Australian accents? I called them Frik and Frak), with cheese puff crumbs on their shirts and hair sticking up like they fell asleep on the couch or something came in to whisk me off again. When I asked, "where are we going?" They said, you my good bloke are going back to Planet Earth. I said, "But, but, but, but..." (this is a habit I picked up on Venus) what about the upgrade? One of the guys says, "oh, that...you got it already!" I said "But, but, but.....but when?" The other space medic says, "Did you just come here from Venus?" I said, "yes." He said, "It figures." I said, "what figures?" He said, "The but...but....but...buts"
Then he tells me, "Listen ,while you were watching the football game we upgraded you, you and those two other guys. It's subliminal. Yeah, after that book came out on earth, you know Women are from Venus, Men are bla, bla, bla we got so many complaints we had to issue an upgrade. Used to administer it on earth all the time on the satellite football games but the satellite companies wanted too much money so we stopped doing it....and then there was that legal problem with subliminal programing. But you, my man, are now good to go!" They walked me up the boarding ramp to the space ship when Frik says as I'm about to enter the spaceship,
"Hey, anybody ever tell you that you look like Chevy Chase?"
If you want, take a break now
start over if you weren't into it
'cause it's going to get better.
That caught me so off guard, I jerked to turn and answer him. I started to say, "As a matter of fact some people say..." when my luggage slipped out of my hand! It fell off the side of the boarding ramp and hit a guy below fueling the spaceship, hit him right on the head and knocked him out! I continued answering his question. "ummmm....well my nephews say I do..." watching what was happening I paused again as the fuel hose dropped out of his hand creating a fuel spill running out onto the runway " well, ummm ...I have been told I..." where another spaceship was firing its engines which caught the fuel spill on fire, a flame from which actually ignited the fuselage of that spaceship as it took off... on fire. Continuing my answer " ....ummmmmm....my wife says I..." the ship rose into the atmosphere and exploded, falling red hot debris landed all over the area, fires erupted everywhere, I continued to answer ".....oh, what was that? Chevy Chase? ummm NO, NO! Can't say that they have...Nope, nope not me!" (I'm thinkin, let's get the frik outta here!)" and then the whole spaceport had to be shutdown.
We stood on the boarding ramp watching the chaos as it unfolded until Frik and Frak hustled me into the ship and sat on either side of me. I said, "Wait, are we still going to take off with the spaceport in flames?"
Frik says, "Awwwwe that's nothin, they'll have it under control in a few minutes, happens all the time around here on Mars."
Frak says, "Yeah, We're not like Venus, we have things under control."
My mind has this automatic reaction called never accept anything you are told without testing it's veracity so I, delicately probing, I said "I never saw a spaceport shut down on Venus."
Frak goes, "Yeah, yeah that's because there are no men on Venus to fix it if it did."
My next question which spontaneously leapt to the forefront of my mind was, "Hey, you guys haven't been administered this upgrade yet, have you."
Frik says, "No as a matter of fact we need to not have it or we couldn't evaluate if it is working on you."
"Well guys," I said, "But, but, but, but ...what about my luggage?"
"That's gone bud, up in flames. You'll have to get new stuff ...and don't worry 'bout the "but, but, butting." That will stop by the time you get to Earth....just another glitch we fixed with the upgrade."
I said, "Hmmmm, yes the upgrade, just how exactly does that work now?"
"That's why we're here bud. We're coming along to make sure it's working. It takes about a month for the upgrade to take full effect and we will brief you on how that works on this trip back to Earth. Now, buckle up bud, their giving us the OK to take off!"
The next thing the space medic says to me, "Ok now when you get back you are going to have to communicate with a woman for the upgrade to create a baseline. Are you married?"
"Well, yes I'm married but I have no problem communicating with my wife."
Frak says to Frik giggling, "Hey you hear what he just said?"
Frik, "Yes, good, good, see bud, the upgrade is working already. You see if it wasn't, you would never say that."
Frak says to Frik "Wait a minute, he said he'd been to Venus recently."
Frik, "Venus? Bud, Is that true?"
Me, "Well yes, that is why I came to Mars, Venus sent me for the upgrade"
Frak, "They didn't put you in the dog house did they?"
Me, "No, no they said the doghouse was for special cases."
Frik, "Oh, that's good, that's good. If you had been put in the dog house an upgrade wouldn't work, we'd have to do a new install"
I said, "What are you talking about? I'm not a computer!"
"No, no of course not bud, just space medic jargon, bud...Listen, did you tell your wife you were going to Venus?"
"Well, yes I..."
"WHAT! ARE YOU NUTS!!!?"
"You told your wife you were going to a planet where there are no men and only billions of women? You might as well have told her you were going to Planet Zelkiiro for Hubba Hubba Pagan days!"
I said "But, but, but, but..."
Frik said "go ahead, go on, we'll wait for the buts."
"But, but, but, I didn't really tell her where I was going, just that I had to make a business trip with Wikipediaman about some YouTube business."
Frik and Frak say together, "WIKI WHO????"
Frak continues, "OK OK, wiki,wacky wooo... that's not important. What is important is that you must avoid communication with your wife during the baseline period. She and you have too much history and a baseline needs to be as free of existing relationship issues as possible. Can you communicate with any women who do not know you well but that you trust and can communicate freely with. Do you know such women?
"Well, yes as a matter of fact I do."
"Good, for the next month limit your communication with women to just them as much as possible. What you experience from communicating with these women during the baseline period will give you a new lease on life, better meaningful relationships with men and women but, if and only if, you adhere to these instructions. After the month communication with your wife will seem out of this world compared to the past and don't be surprised if she looks at you one day and says, "what have you done with my husband!"
I thought for a minute and said, "But what if this doesn't work?"
Frik says, "What did you say?"
I said, "But what if this doesn't work?"
Frak says, "Just listen to yourself bud, it's working already!"
When I asked them if there are upgrades for women too, they laughed hysterically and said, "Bud, you are going to learn with this upgrade, you can't fix perfect."
I arrived home today and when I got home my wife was busy taking down Christmas decorations. I asked why she was doing it so soon.
She answered, "Well it's the puppies, they keep getting into stuff."
I said, "Puppies?"
"Oh", She said "You rascal, don't play dumb with me, while you were gone this special delivery package arrived from Venus Kennels and in it were the two Siberian Puppies I've wanted since my childhood, with this note.......... Who are those two guys with you?"
She gave me a note that read:
"Merry Christmas Darling,
they are almost as irresistable as you."
"I love you. Your devoted husband."
And I answered
......"Oh, .......................them, .......................that's"......
Good news - the Prequel to "My Trip to Venus (and Mars)
- My Trip to Venus (and Mars) THE PREQUEL
Yes, Yes, there is a back story to "My Trip to Venus (and Mars)" which was a great ride for my legion of die-hard fans (choke). Think the prequels to the Star Wars epic were weird? Get a load of this.