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Staying Friends After A Break Up

Updated on January 20, 2019
lisln profile image

I am a mother of three wonderful adult children, and I'm also a born-again Christian. I love to share my personal experiences.


Breaking Up

Breaking up is one of the hardest and most challenging things that we all have had to go through at one point of our lives. Perhaps even more than once.

It is never easy, especially when you cared for this person and spent a good amount of time with one another. Investing a lot into this relationship. When suddenly this person just wants to move on as though it just never took place.

Can you be friends with the person that you were once in love with or still in love with? Well that is a hard question, and something that you really have to take to heart and serious consideration. After all it is our heart that we are guarding and once it has been broken by being dumped by the dumper, it is a tough fact to just accept the that yesterday you two were in love and today they randomly want to be 'your friend'.

Wow that is really something! It is a big deal that a person can actually expect that from you, and why do you think that they still want to be friends anyway?

That's a good question isn't it?

When The Dumper Wants To Be Just Friends

There are many reasons why a 'dumper' would just want to be friends after being in a love relationship. I for one think that the biggest reason for a dumper to just want to be friends (in my opinion) is because it makes them feel better about themselves in regards to what they did to you.

They still have you in their life but they don't have to have the guilt that goes along with dumping you and they can just do their own thing without having to answer to you anymore.

1. A dumper may truly still care about you but not in the way that you want them to care. They may value the relationship enough to remain friends but not in a romantic way. There are many reasons why a relationship fails and it may not always be the dumpers fault, it just depends on the individual situation, which I will explain later.

2. They love you but they are just 'not in love with you'.

3. A lot of dumpers remain around out of feeling guilty, and they may think that it would make you feel better, but again I believe they are trying to make themselves feel better.

4. Another reason for just wanting to be friends is they want to keep that option available to them. In other words they want a back up in case it doesn't work out for them in future relations.

5. The dumper may feel that you are better off just being friends than partners. Maybe being friends would work better for you and the dumper? Everyone has a different situation, and every human ticks differently.

6. But all in all from my personal perspective, I believe it lessens the pain and the guilt of the dumpy.

There are many reasons why you can be just friends after being dumped and there are also many reason why you shouldn't be friends after being dumped, at least not in the beginning while the heart is still healing.

Reasons To Remain Friends

There are actually many reasons to still want to maintain a friendship after being dumped. The reasons are mainly depending upon the circumstances of the relationship.

Believe it or not there are certain situations that really prove to be a better situation when two people have done all that they could to make it work between the two involved, but all their efforts and all the time invested proved that it was never mean't to be.

Two people can really love each other but nothing in their power can make this happen. A wise woman once told me that she was in love and so was her partner but she knew in her heart that he just wouldn't fit into her life. Not because he didn't love her or she didn't love him but the situation was so complicated that they were better off by just being friends.

How do you know in your heart that you are just better off being friends?

Well like with everything there are a lot of different reasons why you are just better off just being friends.

1. There is no chemistry between the two of you.

2. There is no compromise

3. You both are going on a different path.

4. Your faith is different as far as your beliefs

5. You don't have that much in common.

6. They won't confide in you

7. No commitment

8. Shows no interest like they did at first, there are no more romantic feelings.

9. Their life is complicated and so is yours, so sometimes taking a break and remaining friends just might be the thing to save your relationship.

10. You have children and they are not what you would hope them to be when it comes to your children or vice versa.

There are many reasons why you should remain just friends. Some reasons are justified, while other reasons just don't mean anything when it is out of selfish ambition with no thought to the person that you are hurting.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do - Support for Partners Ending a Committed Relationship
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do - Support for Partners Ending a Committed Relationship
Breaking Up is Hard to Do is designed to facilitate work by mental health professionals, the clergy and any other professionals who support those considering or those in the midst of ending a committed relationship. The book may also be useful in training facilitators who are new to the field. By using the activities in Breaking Up is Hard to Do, participants can learn they are not alone and develop important coping strategies. They can find emotional support and practical suggestions, regardless of where they are in this process.

Reason Why You Should Not Remain Friends

I will give you reasons why you should not remain friends after a break up, at least not right away.

After I personally went through a long term marriage of many years. I was the dumpy meaning I am the one that filed for a divorce. Although their action was being the one that dumped me by their betrayal, I finished it off by going through with the divorce.

Here are some of the reasons why I just couldn't remain friends.

1. We were more than just a couple, we were married. They broke their vows by going outside of their marriage and cheating on me. This happened to me twice by two different betrayals in other marriages.

2. Betrayal... Betrayal is the hardest thing to have to go through especially when there are children involved, and in my case she (the mistress) had children of her own and my ex traded us in for a new family.

3. You need time to heal. You can't go from a love relationship to pals, time heals all wounds. Being just friends is a lot to ask for, depending on the situation.

My first husband left us on three occasions, being a Christian woman at the time I was new into my faith and I thought that I had to put up with it until a pastor brought me to my senses and told me that since he wasn't making an effort to be in my life or his son's life that I needed to let him go and move on with my own. I felt free but at the same time my heart was broken because he didn't care enough to be the husband or the father that he should have been, so therefore I could never of been his friend. Although today I don't have any ill feelings toward him, it just isn't my desire to be his friend.

My second husband had an affair after us being together for nineteen years. He hid it from me but I knew that something was going on. Another betrayal like this I immediately refused to tolerate. But what made it even harder is that he married the woman that he was having the affair with, as soon as our divorce was final. She has two children close to our children's age. He had introduced her to my kids right away as their stepmother, and her children as my children's stepbrother and sister. He didn't even have the sensitivity to wait to tell them, and then he proceeded to act as though I should be happy for him and figured we can all be friends. NO WAY, he lost all my respect! Maybe some day but that day is yet to come if it comes at all. I know your thinking well you're a Christian woman, you're required to be his friend and you should forgive. You're right I do have to forgive but nowhere in the bible does it say that I have to remain friends.

Very awkward being husband and wife, and now friends? Don't you think?

Those are my personal reason why I choose not to remain friends.

Remaining friends after a break up isn't always the wisest thing to do unless there is valuable reason why it is better to just be friends to begin with. Those reasons come into play when it is something that just couldn't be helped.

But when a couple goes into it for the long haul of it, being friends at least right away isn't always the best thing to do.

1. There is always going to be one who cares more for the other and will have romantic feelings for this other person. Unless you are both on the same page. You must give it time.

2. It would be to hard seeing the person you love or care about dating someone else when it was just the two of you together in your recent life history.

3. You can never trust that person again.

4. Sometimes letting a person go would actually bring that person around back to you if it is really mean't to be. They may realize how much they miss you and want you back in their life if you stop seeing them and don't make it easy for them just by being a friend. Again, all situations vary from person to person.

In my case in this one particular relationship of a long term situation. I was able to remain friends because it had nothing to do with his cheating on me, it had everything to do with what he personally had to deal with day to day because of a serious injury that would affect him for the rest of his life. It was nobody's fault except the person who caused the injury. This individual needed a friend and support more than he needs a girlfriend. I can easily be that for him because of the delicate situation. So in this case yes it was possible to remain friends.

There are many reasons why you should remain friends and there are many reasons why you shouldn't be friends. I understood and followed the obvious.

The important thing to remember is that when you are being dumped you need time to heal, perhaps down the road you can be friends but give it some time. Unless your unusual and extraordinary, and you can be just friends then by all means be friends. But I guarantee you that it is going to take you a lot longer to get over this person, especially if you were together for a long time and this person was supposed to be your best friend and partner for life.

But just remember that your not alone because we all have gone through this at one point, and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and that better person can be waiting around the corner. Just give it time.

Staying Friends

Is it possible to stay friends after a breakup?

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Can you be Friends with your ex? - He said/She said ep #20

Why Do You Think You Can Be friends? Or Why Do You Think You Can't? Share Your Own Thoughts Or Experiences

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    • lisln profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Denver Colorado

      Amen sister you got that right :)

    • Linda BookLady profile image

      Linda Jo Martin 

      6 years ago from Post Falls, Idaho, USA

      I keep telling people that Jesus is the best healer that ever lived. Also that He heals broken hearts; that's what he came here for.

    • lisln profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Denver Colorado

      It sounds like he is a bitter man there is nothing you can do for him except pray. Thank God that you have Jesus by your side many don't and won't except His grace if they only knew that He wants to make everyone whole. Hang in there....God bless!

    • Linda BookLady profile image

      Linda Jo Martin 

      6 years ago from Post Falls, Idaho, USA

      He would never, ever have gone for counseling. He didn't even go see doctors when he was sick (gravely ill and in long-term pain) because he trusted no one... and in the end it was apparent that he didn't even trust me after being with me seven years. That was the last straw for me. I finally realized that I should not be trusting him. As for me, my counselor is... Jesus. I became a Christian two weeks after leaving him.

    • lisln profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Denver Colorado

      Hi Linda you did what you had to do no one should have to take that kind of abuse. Did you both consider counseling by any chance?

    • Linda BookLady profile image

      Linda Jo Martin 

      6 years ago from Post Falls, Idaho, USA

      I could not remain friends with my ex because he is a narcissist. He didn't cheat on me but treated me with extreme disrespect, verbally and emotionally abusing me. That is a form of betrayal that was very damaging to me; I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust a man again. It was hard to break up but I had to tell him I couldn't live like that anymore. I haven't seen or talked to him in over a year, and that is a blessing because now my life is peaceful again.

    • lisln profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Denver Colorado

      You make so much sense

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      6 years ago from Chicago

      More often than not the "dumper" as you expressed offers "instant friendship" as a (consolation prize) to feel good about themselves as well as hoping you won't see them as being the "bad guy". "We can still be friends." Okay?

      Unfortunately a lot of people who are dumped look at this "friendship" as a (lifeline of hope) that maybe they can get back together. It even gets more confusing if from time to time they still have sex. Essentially the dumped person really thinks it's only a matter of time before they're "officially back together" but they're really nothing more than a "booty call" or "friends with benefits" in the eyes of the "dumper".

      The best friendships between exes usually takes place after a large gap of time has passed. Both people have found love with others and one day they just happen to bump into one another and decide to stay in touch.

      Expecting to go from being "red hot lovers" to "platonic friends" almost like siblings overnight is unrealistic in my opinion. People that insist on staying connected with all of their exes usually have a problem letting go.

      Your future lies ahead of you and not behind you.


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