ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

. . . "The Door of Life" Closing

Updated on May 22, 2015
I stare out a cold window knowing "she" will never return.
I stare out a cold window knowing "she" will never return.
Gazing into emptiness is what I dwell on.
Gazing into emptiness is what I dwell on.

Say hello to "pain."

Writer's note: I am at this time, shutting-off the comical and lowering my guard that keeps me safe in order to write this hub and see it published. I can already foresee depression and mental-adversity both during and after I hit the "publish now" button at the top of this finished product. But it's my story. You have a story that you've never shared with anyone. Thanks for your patience and pray as you read this. Kenneth

I met pain on a face-to-face basis during my senior year of high school in 1972. I guess I can share the name of the school: Hamilton High School in Hamilton, Ala., which equals the fabled "Mayberry," in its quaintness and simplicity. I have no problem claiming this obscure hamlet as my hometown.

Singing a song of love. A song without notes or music.
Singing a song of love. A song without notes or music.
Mr. Ted Miles.
Mr. Ted Miles.

Pain, like happiness, comes in degrees.

To the vast majority, my brand and degree of pain is great material for those doing stand-up comedy. I have prayed countless times to be able to laugh, but only hot tears try to pour down my cheeks. I got to be strong. I cannot expose my emotions. I was told at an early age. Blast that early age advice. I never found my road map after I was conditioned to be nothing more than a rock. Feeling nothing, showing nothing and being nothing. And this is from age five through ten.

The "real" dagger was planted to strike on down the road that I somehow took, not chose. And when it struck, it cut so deep the wound stayed open from May 1972 through today, May 22, 2015. No physician can dress this wound much less ease the suffering I carry around inside. But I have grown accustomed to me and my enemy "pain" going and coming and silently-respecting each other every mile I travel.

A man with no sense of choice is a fool, or so the wise say. I only know that I wasn't the one that statement was meant for. And now, I do not care. To add to the ridiculous image of those 14 seconds I witnessed on a Wednesday in 1972, in the hallway of my high school that I have already shared with you. "She," and I know you saw this coming--a woman involved, but she was "the" most-beautiful girl in God's universe. She still is. And there's the aggravation of my open-wound.

Me, trying over the years to keep the "Door of Life," from shutting on me.
Me, trying over the years to keep the "Door of Life," from shutting on me.

"The Door" starts slowly closing.

Many is the time that since "that" Wednesday in '72, I have secretly wished for some feasible way to hurt myself just so I could be rid of this pain that is slowly sucking every molecule of my life down its filthy throat. And I would have attempted this "exit," if it were not for some little ones who have captured my life: My grand kids. At the time I contemplated my stepping over the border line of right and wrong, I did not have grand kids. I wonder now if that would have mattered?

This girl who could have passed for a goddess, was the girl I fell in love with in 1966. Back when love was covered in purity and there were no such things as masked agenda's. While we were waiting for class to start, our eyes met. Once. Only once. That moment in time froze somewhere near the edges of our vast universe and I cannot get there to rid myself of it.

For the next six years, I suffered inside like any foolish man who has allowed himself to be captivated to such an extent that he would do anything legally or morally to appease the girl whom broke his heart. Sure, this is corny at most. But it has to come out. Why? I guess I am fooling myself again into believing that I will suddenly feel better if I talk about it.

One taste of happiness.
One taste of happiness.
Now in my life is this cracked window a metaphor for my life or is it a reality?
Now in my life is this cracked window a metaphor for my life or is it a reality?

14-near-fatal Seconds.

The fatal 14-seconds I told you about evolved like this: "She," the girl I was, and still am in love with, was talking to three of her friends near her locker. It was now a stalking urgency for me to wait until her friends left then I could "put it on the line" and just ask her for one date. Only one date. That was all I wanted. Her friends left as that moment is forever-playing in my memories in slow-motion, and I walked toward her. She glimpsed me and then joined them down the hallway.

That was when "the door" of life began closing on me and my chances with her. I mean, in the most-simple terms, I was not about just having sex with her and leaving her on the side of a road. No. I just wanted to enjoy her company, hear her laugh, and absorb the softness of her hands. That's it.

I may be wrong, but in my mortal mind I realized that if "I" could keep "the door" of life open and slow down its closing, "I" might taste a real bit of happiness before my time is up. I had hope when I was in my 20's, and from my 30's through my 50's, I grew weaker and older and felt "the door" of life somehow grow stronger and somehow start pushing me toward the nasty floor of my dreams.

This is my high school located in Hamilton, Al. The place where "she" shattered my life.
This is my high school located in Hamilton, Al. The place where "she" shattered my life.

Defeat and pain mingled at last.

In the year 2000, I gave-up and called her. She is divorced now and I knew that dealing with her husband, whom I knew, would not be something I had to deal with. We chatted for an hour and finally I told her of how I felt toward her and she was silent. Well, I thought. At least I told her. What happens now just happens and I cannot master the universe and its tentacle-like ways of an unsure life.

But "the door" keeps closing. And I will never in this life be younger, bolder, and able to love a goddess like "her."

And to lay here in defeat and mutter, "I gave it my all," just doesn't work at all.

And this is where  I am today.
And this is where I am today.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, fpheri48,

      You make a world of sense, but not completely-understanding what USED to be a dilemma.

      I love my wife and grandchildren to such a degree that I would give my life in the next instant for them.

      One thing in your wonderful comment caught my eye. The part of "if" she and I HAD ended-up with each other, I could have been dealt a more-severe degree of pain. That is all too true.

      But since I confided in this friend since the second grade, I have tried to help her through a very nasty divorce, but NOT intimate-action. I do not roll like that.

      My wife knows her and they are friends. But as for the "fantasy," that surfaced long before my wife came along.

      So we and the woman, have decided to be best friends. That's it.

      I am doing my best to do as you suggest, put my fantasy to rest and till the ground that is still before me.

      Thanks for the help.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Jodah,

      I am prone to agree with your analogy of this hub. And my life. Thank you, my friend, for clearing my vision.

      And come back anytime.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama


      Yes, we have communicated, but not a lot. I feel more at peace telling someone the truth of how I felt rather than living and bearing a burden that could have been dealt with. Which I did.

      Thank you for your comment.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 

      3 years ago from Central Florida

      Wow, to feel the loss of what could have been all these years strikes me. She must have really made an impression on you. Have you had further communication since that day in 2000?

    • fpherj48 profile image


      3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      ken...I would echo Jodah's comment and admit we've all those magical moments come and then pass us by, just out of reach for one reason or another.

      This very ending should serve to advise us that "some things are simply not meant to be.' Perhaps you were saved of further and more complicated unbearable pain. In any event, you have nursed a fantasy for far too long~~ to no avail.

      Since you do have grandchildren you are very fond of, it follows that you had CHILDREN~ meaning then that you have/had a wife.

      A wife, BTW, I do hope will never know your deep secret. I can't think of another thing that would devastate a woman more than accepting she has been second best to you or merely a stand-in for who you really loved and desired. Ouch. That's what I call a seriously fall.

      Time to put your dream world to rest, Ken and relish in the life you've been blessed with all these years. Hopefully your disclosure has helped you to peacefully accept reality.....Up+

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      We all have moments in our lives that we can never forget Kenneth, loves not revealed, dreams not realised, goals not reached. There were girls I was infatuated with at various times but I was too shy to reveal my feeling to them. Life passes too quickly. At least in your case you got the opportunity to tell her how you felt. This must have been hard for you to write but thank you for doing so. Take care my friend

    • profile image

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago

      Hi, Keri,

      Thank you sincerely for your sweet comment.

      This, mind you, was not easy to do. I am glad that it is finished.

      Happy Memorial Day to you.


    • profile image

      Keri OCreene 

      3 years ago

      I love when people share their moments in time :)


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)