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10 Funny Indicators that You Should Probably Get A Divorce / Divorced

Updated on June 20, 2012

Sad but true life experiences:


10. He constantly told you when you first got married, you had a heavenly body.. but now he sneers and says you look like more a cherub.


9. The only sparks left between you are each other's attempts to set each other on fire.


~He actually said, "I didn't realize your hairspray was flammable."



8. For your birthday, he gives you a handwritten card scribbled on the back of a flyer from the Wet T-Shirt Contest he recently attended.


7. Every time you are certain you have found Mr. Right, your husband scares him away.



6. He tells his friends, "I Got This Car for My Wife.. What a Trade!"


~ That was my ex's favorite thing in the world to say.



5. Your husband tries to buy you a cemetary plot for Christmas.


4. Your wife comes to bed with a T-Shirt that says "Sleeping With the Enemy".


3. He calls taking you to the airport for a week's long work seminar as a pleasure trip.


2. He tells you that you are a great housekeeper.. then he explains that if he leaves you, you would do a great job of keeping his house.


1. He either forgets your anniversary... or he buys a card for you that he doesn't even read that says "I am so glad to be your wife"... or, if he DOES try to shop for a card for you, he walks into Hallmark and asks the clerk, "Where is the Fat, Controlling, Bitch Section."


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    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      Oh, no! That was too funny-- I hope you were being sarcastic? Thanks for sharing.

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Hi Wonderful.. Thank you. I wish I could say it was just sarcasm.. but I guess it is all how you look at it. I appreciate you stopping by!

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Well I can understand why someone is an ex!! Kicked to the curb!! Way to go Tammy:)

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Thanks Sunshine.. I wish I could tell the world that if you are not happy.. move on with life. It is too short to be treated poorly. Always good to see you.

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Some people are just to afraid of change and they settle. Sad. Hey if you're on Facebook look up a group Hub Hoppers, you'll like it! Hope to see you there.

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Found you!:)

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Hilarious! Sunshine told me to look you up - so glad she did! Ilove the writers with a great sense of humor! Welcome to HP! You will have a great time writing here!

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Thank you RealHousewife. I have had the best time here and met some wonderful people. I appreciate the welcome very much. I love writing funny hubs.. I have a warped sense of humor. I look forward to reading your material as well. Thank you!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      I think you should expand this hub to 100 indicators. Here's another one - When you have heard the same old tired stories so often you can lip sync with him.

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Thanks Austinstar.. If I did 100, I would be so MAD by the time I got to then end..lol.. I like that suggestion. I should have made a sock puppet to mock him. You crack me up. Thank you for reading and leaving your thoughts!

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Your 25 year anniversary comes along and he says to you If I'd murdered you when we first met, I'd be out by now.

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Susan,

      That is scary. Sometimes people let their true thoughts and intentions slip out.. Yikes. Wouldn't that be a great anniversary card..lol! Thank you for your comment!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Susan! Yikes!

      Or how about when he pours hot grease straight down the drain for the one millionth time when you've told him over and over not to do that! The next time he does it maybe the wife should pour hot grease over him!

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Yes Austin.. then he complains when you need to call the plumber... Men! Thanks for reading!

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      Just Ask Susan stole my line! Only in my case it refers to what I said several times about the ex who was a total butt about custody and was that way for many more years than I would've spent behind bars for offing him if I'd known what a butt he was going to be about custody. (And hindsight shows our daughters' lives would've been MUCH better had he been totally OUT of the picture...)

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      In a more humorous vein, how 'bout his idea of a "romantic" evening on Valentine's is bringing home a bag of burgers and 3 horror movie DVDs when he knows horror movies DON'T turn you on.

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Hi Jama, it is terrible when men play these sort of games regarding custody just to assert power over you.. Luckily.. my ex didn't want the kids.. That is a funny analogy.. horror movies for Valentine's Day.. Does your ex know my ex? Thanks for the chuckle!

    • Ramsa1 profile image

      Ramsa1 5 years ago from A citizen of the World

      A great and funny hub. Sometimes it's best to move on, but it's not always easy. BTW, I've been married for 42 years. To the same woman.

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Hello Ramsa.. You MUST be doing something right.. you need to write a hub- "Survial Stratagies in my 42 years of marriage.." That would be cute! It is rare to last that long nowadays.. Good for you and your wife! I am always glad to see you!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      BTW, how do you get rid of a husband that refuses to leave?

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Hmm Austin.. not sure I can write that response here.. :) You can try to introduce him to your boyfriend, insult his mother.. What is his astrological sign?

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      A freakin stubborn Taurus. We've been married nearly 21 years now, but the last 10 have been a waste of time. I asked for a divorce then, but he just won't hear of it. I plan to just disappear some day after my dogs are all gone. He can have the cats.

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      A Taurus hmmm.. Hard to get rid of. They settle in and don't budge. The best way to get rid of one.. stop cooking! No more goodies, home cooked meals.. leave the fridge and the cupboard bare. Don't keep alcohol in the house and make him find his own. Wow.. you are in a tough spot? May I ask what your sign is?

    • Ramsa1 profile image

      Ramsa1 5 years ago from A citizen of the World

      Hi Tammy, thanks for the suggestion (about the hub I should write). I've added it to my list of hubs to write. :-)

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Ramsa,

      I think that is wonderful. You are certainly doing something right!!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      I'm a Libra. And of course, Bob and I have our good days and our bad days. He's loyal to a fault and I know he has my back, but as you say, he's also a freeloader and something of a parasite.

      I think your suggestions would work actually. Since I'm now out of a job, this is a great suggestion. Maybe he'll step up.

      The weirdest thing he does that I hate is he takes credit for everything I do. I started an online business and he listed himself as CEO! He doesn't even lift a finger to help with the business. It's maddening.

      Thanks for the great advice!

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      That is to bad because there is no one easier to get along than a Libra. Sounds like he is too comfortable. I hope you can make the situation better and create some happiness for yourself. You deserve it.. You may just need to shake the sugar tree. :)

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Bwahahah! I hope your ex never really said or did this stuff to you...wait, not possible. But still hilarious in a way only a divorcee might understand :) Excellent hub

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Thanks for stopping by Ardie.. He did. He was not a nice person.. Sounds much like your ex.. But it is cool.. I will have the last laugh through the written word. Living well is always the best revenge.. Muuuhaaaa...

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      I agree, my Mom always says the best revenge is being happy - same thing in my book! So lets give them heck :)

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      :) Sounds like a great plan Ardie!!

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      12/17/2011, sunny afternoon

      Hi, Tammy,

      I was just cruising around Hubs and thought of your works. I am so glad that I READ THIS ONE. Great tips. Great advice. I guess you are curious as to why THIS hub? Well, honestly, "some" of your indications are prevalent to me. And that is the truth. I never expected life to be fair. At all. I supposed it was God who impressed me to read this hub, that I found both a comedy, very funny too, and some underlying truth in the tips. You are a wise girl, Tammy. I am GLAD, I tell you, that I met you on hubs. And that hub of mine about My Songs that Make You Feel Worse When You Are Already Blue....that is being worked on. Now I have domestic peace to build. Just wanted to visit with you a moment. Like going out of town, or out of prison, LOL, without buying an American Airlines ticket. Hooray for our friends who started HubPages. Amen????

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      PS: Dear Tammy . . .I forgot to tell you I voted UP and All the way on this hub. Great work. If I die tonight, I will meet God but with an honest confession about someone else's work being on my eternal record.

      Later . . .

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Kenneth,

      You are a hoot. I always love it when you stop by. I appreciate it my friend. I doubt you are anything less than honest.. I love it that we can inspire eachother. Your onryness will keep you kicking forever.. We won't worry about that part for a long, long, time. You are so sweet. Thanks for reading and voting!

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear Tammy, my dear ally, thank you for your sweet remarks. And I have begun the music hub you inspired me to do. I may get to work on it Sunday afternoon. I got my artwork and outline...and now, I am spent. But I am giving YOU credit at the top of it because it is true. You are an amazing person. Hubber. Friend and Follower. Oh yes, very sweet too.

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      I am just glad you are inspired and feeling better Kenneth my friend!

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear Tammy...I WAS feeling better. That was then. I have most of the body of MY song hub finished, but now comes the aligning of my artwork and descriptions of the songs and how they make me feel worse. LOL. Today is Dec. 19 and I am at 'snail speed'--catching up on comments that I DO NEED to read to get valuable info and to NOT be rude to my followers for them taking time, LIKE YOU, out of their day to leave me a comment. I WILL get the song hub done soon and since you inspired it, I want It to be a Masterpiece. Have a great day, Tammy./////Kenneth

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Good luck with your masterpiece. I am eagerly awaiting it! :)

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      12/20....Dear Tammy...I've finished, yes, finished yesterday, the rest of the lead-in paragraphs where I talk about you and your hub. Its only fair. I may get it published Thursday for Im going out of town this afternoon to a Christmas family thing...I dread it. A long ride = a painful, stiff body when I get there. I think you will like MY music hub. I hope.

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      I have no doubts it will be wonderful. You never disappoint!

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      1:16 p.m.,cst, Dec. 20

      Dear Tammy, about 1 hour ago, I sent you an email telling YOU that MY Music Hub IS UP and RUNNING. I hope you enjoy this and it was all because of your hub that inspired me. Thanks, Tammy. God bless you.

    • justateacher profile image

      LaDena Campbell 5 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz...

      Austin - I see you found MY ex! I couldn't get him to leave so I did! Now he lives with his daddy so that he still doesn't have to do anything!

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Just a teacher, is your husband a Taurus too?? LOL.. Good for you for not accepting less than you deserve justateacher!

    • justateacher profile image

      LaDena Campbell 5 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz...

      Ya know, Tammy, I can't remember what he was! (Well - except for a word not fit to print!)

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear Tammy: Did you ever read My Music hub? I am worried sick that I may have upset you! Please read it..."13 Songs That Make YOu Feel Worse..." Thanks, Kenneth

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Hey Kenneth,

      I am sorry I have been really busy this week. I read and commented on your hub. Outstanding! It drove me to drink..lol! Merry Christmas to you and congratulations on another great masterpiece!

    • teenboyproblems profile image

      teenboyproblems 5 years ago from Nebraska

      Thanks for the laughs!

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      12/25 . . .Dear Tammy, I know. And Im sorry for being a chornic worrier. LOL, drove you to drinking . . .great line. Some of MY songs on that hub, drove me SOBER. And thank you for your SWEET compliment. You are a gem. A diamond worthy of being at Cartier Jewelers, New York.

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Thanks for stopping by Teenboyproblems!

      Hi Kenneth, no worries. You are a beautiful gem yourself!

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dec. 27

      10:16 p.m.--cst

      Dear Tammy, Hi. And thank you so much. Wow! What a sweet thing to say!!!!! I wish I had an equally-nice comeback...how about, "it should be a sin for someone to be as nice as you, Tammy!"---huh? Will that work? Talk to you later. Peace.///////////Kenneth

    • Jean Bakula profile image

      Jean Bakula 5 years ago from New Jersey

      Hi Tammy,

      These are so funny (and sadly, some are true)! When we made it to our 25th anniversary, many of our friends did too, since your friends are often of similar ages. All of them got divorced! It was incredible. The attitude was like, "I already wasted 25 yrs. on you, I'm out of here"! We are still together, but I married a Taurus. And it's New Year's Day and the Twilight Zone Marathon is on, just like every year. I know them by heart. That's why I keep coming to the computer to get away in small doses, lol. Happy New Year!

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Hello Jean,

      It is an epidemic with these Taurus men! They are the most stubborn, set in their ways, opinionated.. The recurring theme with them is that things seem to get very stagnant yet they resist "change" and new things. I would never say leave, but; don't let your life pass you by. Just because he choses to sit and watch life go by, it doesn't mean you have to. You are too smart and pretty to let life pass you by. I hope you have a wonderful New Year and LIVE it fully!

    • Stephanie Henkel profile image

      Stephanie Henkel 5 years ago from USA

      Very funny, Tammy! I definitely give it an UP and funny vote and a Tweet!

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Thanks so much Ms. Stephanie. Thank you for visiting and sharing!

    • American View profile image

      American View 5 years ago from Plano, Texas

      Well after reading this, no wonder I cannot get a date.

      Funny hub Tammy from the ladies point of view. I do have to say one thing, in dealing with my ex, it is amazing how she has such a different view of our marriage. Do you ladies experience the same thing with your exes? Do you all when talking or arguing with them, have different views of how things were?

    • Daisy Mariposa profile image

      Daisy Mariposa 5 years ago from Orange County (Southern California)

      What a great Hub, Tammy! I'm sure there are many more reason than 10...like calling you by his ex-girlfriend's name, for instance.

    • Curiad profile image

      Mark G Weller 5 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

      This is great Tammy,thanks for the humor this morning!

    • mpoche4 profile image

      Michal 5 years ago from Baton Rouge, LA

      hahaha those are great things to laugh at after the fact I am sure but probably not so funny while they are going on. I will keep my eye out for these warning signs ;)

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      I think this is why they say men are from Mars and Women are from Venus American View. My ex and I didn't agree with anything. There were of course two versions of everything... his version.. and the truth. :)

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      That is a big no no Daisy! That is definatley grounds for a divorce. Thanks for your visit!

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Thanks for reading Curiad!

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Thanks for reading mpoche4. I hope you don't ever see these signs. :)

    • profile image

      iamaudraleigh 5 years ago

      Been through a divorce...I think you are going in the right direction with the sarcasm. Expand on it by quoting famous divorcees and adding some pics maybe?? Otherwise, two votes up if I could :)

    • Alecia Murphy profile image

      Alecia Murphy 5 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

      I would add if you have nothing in common besides being human. That's a dealbreaker :0! For one reason or another I keep thinking about that Tammy Wynette song "D-I-V-O-R-C-E!" Awesome hub!

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Thanks Iamaudraleigh! These are great suggestions!

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      That is a good slogan Alecia! I will look up the Divorce song. Thanks for your help!

    • DexisView profile image

      Dexi 5 years ago from New England

      Great, humorous take on divorce. I would definitely say, "Yup! Probably", after reading this. Sounds like he thought he was the funny one....he should read this...LOL!

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      He really did DexisView. He would chuckle about his insults all day long. Thanks so much for your visit!

    • Madurai profile image

      Madurai 5 years ago from Online

      More than your tips, comment is very funny and deep discussion. Thanks for sharing the indication for divorce.

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Thanks Madurai. I appreciate your visit.

    • alocsin profile image

      alocsin 5 years ago from Orange County, CA

      Lol, I should think the first one or two would be indicators enough .Voting this Up and Funny.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      What a great way to start my day, reading a hub by one of my favorite hubbers...and it was hilarious as an added bonus. Great job and thanks for the laugh!

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      You would think so alocsin! Thanks for your visit. :)

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Thanks for your kind comment and visit billybuc! I appreciate that!

    • AudreyHowitt profile image

      Audrey Howitt 5 years ago from California

      Ouchhhhhh! I think I would get a divorce too!

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Thanks Audrey! I appreciate your visit!

    • ananceleste profile image

      Anan Celeste 5 years ago from California

      After being in bed sick for most of the day, This hub has made me laugh so hard to the point of tears. Both my husband and I are sharing this hub!

    • DeborahNeyens profile image

      Deborah Neyens 5 years ago from Iowa

      Hilarious, Tammy! Your ex my have been a jerk, but at least you got some good material out of the deal. : )

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      I am glad it made you laugh ananceleste! I hope you feel better soon.

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Thanks Deborah! I got some good material and three great kids, so.. this is why I haven't completley destroyed him in print. :) Thanks for reading!

    • barbergirl28 profile image

      Stacy Harris 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      I guess my marriage is good... none of these situations fit with me. However, I would love a t-shirt that says sleeping with the enemy! That would just be fun! Great hub - made me laugh!

    • Keeley Shea profile image

      Keeley Shea 5 years ago from Norwich, CT

      Hysterical! I love this hub! I am divorced and many of these rang very true....sad but true! Thanks for the laugh!

    • tammyswallow profile image
      Author

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Thanks for sharing this barbergirl28. Sounds like you have a keeper. That t-shirt would be great for some chuckles. Thanks for your visit.

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      These smug men need to be stopped Keeley! But, the loss is theirs. :) I appreciate you stopping by to read and comment.

    • dwachira profile image

      [ Danson Wachira ] 4 years ago from Nairobi, Kenya

      I don't know now but this is awesome! i liked your #4 and 5 but number one is a rib cracker. voted up, interesting and shared.

    • tammyswallow profile image
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      Tammy 4 years ago from North Carolina

      Thanks so much Dwachira! :)

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      July 23 . . .Dear Tammy,

      had to re-read this marvelous hub. You, my friend, are a super-taleted writer.

      I miss you too.

      Kenneth

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