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Valentine Special: 10 Most Interesting Places to "Spice things up."

Updated on January 22, 2009

Find out how adventurous you are. Read along

Lots of people out there are trying to sell you the latest special gift to give to your special someone. Perhaps, this year, for Valentine's you want to try something a little more spicy a little more dangerous. Here are some suggestions:

10) Back of a movie theatre - An oldy but a goody. What excites about this one is that there are no walls separating you from the others, no bathrooms, no car doors, its just younaked--air--otherpeople. Try to keep it down. The others are trying to watch the movie.

9) Hot air balloon - Tricky, a lot of places won’t let you use them without their balloon expert on board. Maybe you can fly your own balloon somewhere. Maybe the balloon expert would like to join in. Maybe you’re the balloon expert and she’s a single woman travelling through Germany and feeling very lonely and vulnerable, but also, strangely exhilarated.

8) While driving - Don’t try this one at home, kids. Only for seasoned amateurs.

7) Under a lighthouse - Like a psychedelic lightshow at a rave but without all the annoying raver kids. There’s just two people, some stars and a light show that seems tailor-made just for you. For lighthouses, I would recommend the Oregon coast. Good amount of lighthouses, good amount of warmth, good amount of wild, peopleless area to play around in.

6) Live Train Tracks - Feel the rumble. Feel the tension. Hear that ear-splitting boxcar squeal. Its coming, honey. I really hope you’re almost finished.

5) Graveyard - The dead just want the living to be happy. Don’t do this during Halloween or be prepared for unpleasant questions.

4) The Caribbean sea - You’ll find its warmer than your hotel’s pool. Bonus points for doing it in daylight with boats and/or swimmers at least a hundred meters away.

3) In a tree – Not as impossible as some people think. You just need thick, horizontal boughs that are reasonably low to the ground. I suggest woman on top. Bring towels.

2) Library - Find a big one, go before closing time, clear some shelf space then just giver. Don’t worry; they’re used to this sort of thing. It’s what those cameras are for. You won’t lose your library card (you might lose your V-card). A high place on this list might betray my secret obsession with books.

1) In space - According to the internet, This has yet to occur in real life. (your dreams don't count) And who says all the best stuff has already been invented? First one there is a rotten egg.

 

Bonus - Ten LEAST interesting places to have sex

If you’re doing things like this, it means you’re not trying hard enough

10) Bed.

9) Kitchen - If you include food into the mix, it helps things, but the kitchen is too sterile and unspicy.

8) The Shower - If you haven’t mastered a standing up position, and trust me, they can be tricky, then the shower can be tricky. But even still, shower is boring. Do better.

7) Damnit, pretty much any place in the privacy of your own home, period.

6) Prison (Haha, I kid).

6) In the park - Almost there, but not good enough. You want someplace exposed (a park) but also someplace original. Parks are boring and everywhere.

5) Elevator - A cliché. And not really that exciting. Elevators are just sealed boxes that go up and down.

4) Parked Car - At a drive in. In a parking lot. At a rest stop. All very dull.

3) The Beach - Yes everybody should do this at least one time in your lives. (you should also try the alcoholic beverage version of sex on the beach, its amazing) But the fact remains, everybody’s done it. You’re not impressing anyone, kiddo.

2) On a boat - It’s fun, but unimaginative. However, saying that, I will allow a two point exception. Regular boat, speed boat, dinghy, yacht = one point. But for a one-person dinghy you buy at wallmart for twenty dollars and which slowly takes on water, you get two points.

1) Airplane - It’s cramped, awkward, pressure-filled (literally and figuratively). Good luck getting her off. And frankly, it’s been done. It’s not special anymore.

 

I’ll give you two points for everything you’ve done on the first list and one point for everything on the second, add them up to find out how adventurous you are. If you find yourself in the lower range, maybe this Valentine's day, you and a special someone started thinking about expanding your horizons a little bit.

1-5 – Cold Fish

5-11 – Woody Allen

12-18 – Pretty Damn Persuasive

19-25 – Studmuffin/Studmatrix

26-32 – Animal God

 

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