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Why You Are Attracted to a Certain Type of Man or Woman?

Updated on July 21, 2017

Being a counselor and coming across many types of people with certain dating patterns that cause them to make the same mistake over and over again can be a little irritating, such as being attracted to a certain type of man or woman. If find yourself attracted to the wrong type of man or woman continuously and just believe that you cannot help yourself or help falling in love, and you believe this is the way to go, you are mistaken. Here are some solid reasons for being drawn to the wrong type and what you can do to avoid this.

1. Romanticize the person- you are into this cloud of romantic fantasy that it blocks you from seeing the real person, as a human being with faults, weaknesses, failures. You are actually in love with a fantasy person and not the actual person.

2. Lack of knowledge of who you are and what you want-

You don’t know who you are or what you like or what you want in a person. Or what want to gain in a relationship. You lack this vital information in their lives, so when you find yourself physically attracted to someone, you just go with the flow without any consideration.

Make a list of acceptable qualities in an individual, what you will or will not tolerate in a person, what you like or what you want and do not want, your values, etc.

List of acceptable qualities- someone who is confident,intelligent, works hard, honest, respectful, supportive, good sense of humor, spontaneous, caring, laid back, a gentleman, good listener

what you do not want- someone with a drug/alcohol addiction, pornography addiction, gambling problems and they are not seeking help, someone who verbally abuse you, or mistreat you, full of rage, nagging, controlling, manipulative, plays you, selfish, continual lying, etc

3. Another reason is They possess the parts of yourself you do not have.

A shy, introverted girl/guy can be drawn to an outgoing, extroverted, guy/girl . A passive guy can be drawn to a woman who takes charge of things and have a strong personality. A messy person attracted to someone that is organized and neat. A man from a reserved, strict family attracted to a woman who is fun and spontaneous. A good girl drawn to the bad boy because he takes risks and very forth coming.

At times, we believe individuals with the opposite personality will make us into a whole person. But if you work on your weaknesses and what you think is lacking in you, you will eventually be a whole person and not be attracted to that type and look for someone to make us whole and complete. If you are shy, there are tools to help you become assertive. The good girl can engage in safe fun, adventurous activities so we would not attracted to a bad boy who is bold in doing things.

4. Inability to Judge a person's character- You follow your feelings for someone and shut out what is real about them, you turn on your heart and turn what your head is telling you. It is often said to follow your heart, but our heart can deceive us. We must lead our heart into the right direction.

If you find yourself drawn to someone when in reality he/she has an addiction, do not want to work, disrespectful, rude, procrastinates, lies, irresponsible, self-centered or whatever it is. It is best to listen to your head, to that voice that sees this is not right or this does not feel right. The character of a person should be more important than your feelings of attraction.

5. Loneliness and fear of being alone

If you are lonely, you can be in a place where you are vulnerable to anyone. This causes you to accept anyone who comes along, no matter what they are like, what their lifestyle is like, even a married person, or what they are into because you don’t want to be alone. You settle for that individual, even if he/she compromise your values and time.

First, meet that need of loneliness by getting involved in your community, involved in different types of clubs and groups, or reconnecting with friends you have not seen in a long time, so you get some genuine friends and not be drawn to the wrong type because of loneliness.

6. They possess the parts of yourself you have.

If you demand and expect perfection in yourself, you might be drawn to someone who expresses perfectionism in his/her life. To overcome this, accept yourself with all your imperfections.

If you fear or struggle with confronting, you might be drawn to the person who does not confront as well. Learn to resolve conflicts and confront appropriately when necessary.

You might be drawn to someone who is not committed because you are that way.

7. Unmet needs- there are needs in your life that was not quite met from childhood, whether it is affirmation, respect, love, comfort, care, affection, intimacy or whatever need it is. As a result of this, you are attracted to someone who meets that need or who has caring personality. That should not be the only criteria for a relationship. You look at the character of a person, his values and beliefs. The person can be meeting your need, but in trouble with the law.

I fell into this trap many years ago. The person met my need of affirmation because I did not have much of that growing up, treat me well, but his friends knew the real him and they conveyed who he was. I had a bit of romanticizing, but my eyes opened, and I realized this is not what I want and eventually separated for him.

Solution: talk to a counselor, and deal with issues in your life that is in your way of choosing right relationships, be around safe people, find a group, mentor etc.

What is the top reason why people are attracted to the wrong type of man or woman?

See results

8. Need to change someone, fix his/her life, take care of someone-, rescue someone- You grew up in dysfunctional home and developed ways of protecting, caring, fixing things, so when you find someone with lots of problems and you are attracted to this. What should be done, is you need to abandon your desire to rescue and fix things all the time in someone's life.

9. Familiar patterns- You are drawn to someone you grew up in an alcoholic home, dysfunctional family, abuse because you grew up in that similar environment and setting. Although there is common ground there, you may feel or think this is the only type of people you can relate to and who can understand and accept where I come from.

If you work on building our self-confidence, knowing who we are as a person despite our past, and have a vision for ourselves and lives and place yourself with mentors and good group of people to inspire and care about you, you can break this pattern of being attracted to this type.

10. Victim mindset

Because of bad past relationships, upbringing, you have programmed yourself to expect disrespect, to be treated badly, to not expect good things, you take whoever comes your way. To get rid of this, you need to rise up, know you deserve better than what you have accepted and be around people of encouragement.

Research Source

Cloud, Henry. How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. Zondervan Publishing Company, Grand Rapids, MI 2005

Ashley and Eharmony Advice. Are you Attracted to the Wrong Type.


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    • Janellegems profile image

      Janellegems 4 years ago from United States

      Dashingscorpio, this is Absolutely true. I completely agree. Thanks for your comment.

    • jabelufiroz profile image

      Firoz 4 years ago from India

      Great tips. Voted up.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 4 years ago

      Excellent hub! Voted up, useful and awesome!

      The only other thing I might add is people tend not to approach relationships with (complete awareness). Most relationships come about through "happenstance" or "impulsive connections".

      A lot of people simply shut their brains off and "go with the flow". They don't have a "list" of traits they are looking for and those who do often ignore their list. They say "yes" to everything and when the relationship fails they say, "You can't help who you fall in love with!"

      The truth is each of us gets to (choose) our own friends, lovers, and spouse. You get to determine who you socialize or spend time with. You get to decide who you kiss and have sex with. It defies all logic to repeatedly say (yes) to all of these things and then turn around and say "It just happened".

      Never separate your mind from your heart when making relationship decisions. The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart.

      One man's opinion! :-)