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10 Signs Of An Abuser Before The Violence

Updated on February 24, 2015

Are you wondering if you are an abusive relationship?

There are so many abusive people out there. Abusers can be any race, and any gender from any country. There are a lot of stereotypes such as that men only abuse. Surprisingly there are women abusers. I have been faced with abusers and finding the signs of one before you get involved is especially important. It can be pretty difficult to scoop out the signs when you see one.

1. He’s a Charmer: This is one of the biggest warning signs. It sounds stupid, but it is very true and actually a good sign of an abuser. Sure, there are plenty of Charmer’s out there that aren’t abusers but abusive people use this quality to suck their victims in. I have met plenty of charmers that were just players, but every single guy I have ever met that has been abusive always had this charming quality about them.

2. He lies to you: Lying is a big issue with abusers. They can almost become pathological liars. It is just a common trait of abusers, and can’t really be explained. Most abusers do cheat on their significant other and this may be where the lying takes place.

3. He separates you from support: Abusers try to control everything in your life. Most importantly, your family and friends. That support system is one thing that can help a victim and the abuser doesn’t want you to have that. It’s all about complete control.

4. He wants you to move in, far away: Where else can you get away with abusing someone? They often want to move in with you pretty far from anyone you are close with because that’s an escape route. It is their way of secluding you more.

5. He keeps you from your goals: Many people give up on their dreams for other people. This is a common trait of an abuser. They basically want you to have nothing, so all you have is them. When I was in an abusive relationship, he kept me from going to college just to be with him. This is a tricky one that is often underestimated.

6. He cuts you down: Even before a relationship becomes abusive, you can be emotionally hurt. Abusers want to cut you down and damage your self-esteem. This is where the brainwash starts, before the physical abuse and complete control. Don’t ever be with someone who calls you names and cuts you down.

7. He yells at you a lot: Yelling is something that abusers are great at. This can a lot of times be mimicked as anger, but it is NOT anger. It is all about control, and being the one in charge. Are you afraid to ask questions, or just be yourself because you get yelled at? This may be a bad sign.

8. He limits access to money: Having financial control is a telltale sign because they want to have control of your financial power. How can a victim leave if they have no money and no support? If your significant other refuses to put your name on the bank account, this can lead to abuse.

9. He checks up on you often: Abusers constantly want to check up on their victims. Constant calling, and asking questions is a bad sign. Even before he separates you from your support system, this is what leads to it. Eventually he will not allow you to see anyone but him.

10. He threatens you: Abusers use a lot of threats to keep their victims around even before the real abuse starts. Does he threaten to kill himself if you leave? Has he threatened to hurt you? Many abusers will try to hurt your pets or things that you love to intimidate you. This is a big warning sign and you should walk away safely.

These are the 10 signs that he may be an abuser and you should walk away before it turns bad. Abusers don’t abuse right away, it can take a long time. To find out how to escape a violent relationship click here:

What is The Difference Between a Bad Relationship and An Abusive Relationship?

Many articles will tell you that your partner is automatically abusive if certain traits come up. However that isn't always the case. Sometimes certain couples do not mix well together. Of Course, if they show all these signs that is a very important Red Flag to consider. Relationships can be unhealthy, but not always abusive. Fighting a lot is not always a signal of abuse, and sometimes people are very jealous without becoming an abuser. There are many factors to keep into consideration. However, if he is trying to isolate you from your loved ones, and verbally hurts you constantly among the other signs, you have a pretty good chance that he is or will be abusive. We should always keep our red flags at bay.


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    • Sulabha profile image

      Sulabha Dhavalikar 

      4 years ago from Indore, India

      Dear Jessica,

      I read 2 of your hubs- 1. on bullies & 2. this above one apart from your latest.

      At such a young age, you have touched the nail.

      I married a good husband but a wrong family. And till now (34 years), both my husband & I are facing the bully- ism & mental torture even when we stay separately.

      Anyway, now we have risen far above them and the battle is as good as won.

      But why? This is the question which often has disturbed me. And today, to some extent I got a few answers / you may say a new look out from your hubs.

      Keep it up.

    • John MacNab profile image

      John MacNab 

      6 years ago from the banks of the St. Lawrence

      An excellent and informative artilce Jessica. Voted up and across.

    • MsLofton profile image


      7 years ago from IL

      This is great! I am going to share this! I am an advocate and survivor of Domestic Violence(mostly emotional). All these signs are very true in what to look for!

    • JessicaSmetz profile imageAUTHOR

      Just Ask Jess 

      7 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I think the worst part of abuse is the emotional abuse. It is not always physical, I completely agree.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Richert 

      7 years ago from Southern Illinois

      Great article, hopefully will be read by many who are in an abusive relationship...

    • Diana Lee profile image

      Diana L Pierce 

      7 years ago from Potter County, Pa.

      Abuse doesn't always mean battle scars from body contact either. Sadly words and control can leave wounds deep inside us that may never heal. I hope this reaches those heading for trouble. They will thank you for the warning.

    • Honorablewoman profile image


      7 years ago from Georgia

      If you are wondering that you are in an abusive relationship, 10 out of 10 times, you are. 4Real

      Great Hub!

    • mariale2003 profile image


      7 years ago

      Thank you very much!!! You cover the true in just 10 simple sings...Hope many can read it, We should teach this at schools... "Better three hours too soon than a minute to late" William Shakespeare.


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