10 Sure-Fire Ways to Know That Your Husband is Impatient
"Is she ever going to be here?"
"Where is she?"
Men would love for you ladies to think they are complex. They are not. Men are about as complex as a can of Tinker Toys. I know. I am one. A man, not a can of Tinker Toys.
Men try to control, be in control, and never be caught being out of control. It starts and stops with control. Plain, simple, and nothing else can \be said.
Every man, as well as every woman, is exactly-alike in some way. Some men share a love for eating pheasant with other guys, while other guys share a love for boating with other men. That’s how it all works.
One area of weakness most men share is impatience. Good, old-fashioned, American-made, impatience. I am not above impatience either. But let me share an example. My wife and I have an appointment to eat somewhere. The time and place is understood. But . . . the moment we drive into the parking lot of the restaurant I have dreamed of, she instantly, like a red-tailed hawk “zeroing-in” on its prey, spots some friend, a woman from our hometown walking out of the restaurant, and with the surety of a turtle walking less than zero MPH, she starts a conversation—recalling old times, dress sizes, diets, water-retention, all the while I am pointing at the restaurant by nodding my head. And the talk continues.
Her friend, I think to myself, must be lonely or a hermit. Will her tongue ever grow tired? She has no date, no husband. It is just her, taking up our valuable time from getting inside this “Mecca of Meal-makers,” the restaurant people plan for months to visit, and us just standing in the hot sun listening to a tale about my wife’s friend’s second husband who loved to gamble and his scrape with the I.R.S., but thanks to her grandmother, he changed his ways. My wife is eating this up like a hungry feline. And I haven’t eaten since 8 a.m. today. It is now 7:45 p.m.
I know, without reading a program, that walking-away into the cool lobby of the restaurant is not a wise choice because my wife would be irritated at me leaving her “to twist like a leaf in the wind,” and besides it would give my wife even more proof that I am a jerk. But if I were inside the restaurant, at least I could get a whiff now and then of their delicious grub.
Then I see it. “That” one sign that every starving man seeks when he is hungry and his wife is involved with a friend and solving all of that friend’s problem . . .my wife’s friend looks at her wristwatch and says those life-sustaining words, “Oh, my! Look at the time. I have to run. I have to help at our church’s food kitchen tonight. Nice to see you again, Pam.”
Pam and the friend embrace. Now I am checking my wristwatch. Sweat has slowly, and with a methodical technique, seeped into my armpits and down my back. I will surely be scorned for smelling too manly, I grieve to myself. Finally the embrace ends and the “call me’s,” are given. Pam walks toward me. Then says with a hint of anger, “Why didn’t “you” get me out of that conversation?”
“I thought you and she were great friends—from the long conversation you had with her,” I reply, confident that I am right for once.
“You kidding? She was the biggest bore in high school that I made it my agenda to always “look” busy when she was approaching,” Pam explains as we finally enter the restaurant that culinary dreams are made of.
“I could tell that you were growing impatient,” Pam adds.
Now, ladies of my following whom I love and adore. If you aren’t like my wife, Pam, and cannot sense when your husband is impatient . . .here are
"One hour late. There goes the opera."
"I bet she's forgotten we have reservations."
"We missed the train because you couldn't decide on which pair of heels to wear."
"You're working over two more hours?"
“10” Sure-Fire Ways to Know That Your Husband is Impatient”
- Whistling – a husband is actually handicapped to do otherwise while his wife is involved with something and he wants to be in another place with her. Whistling, to the husband, is a safe thing to do and it is not confronting his wife, so no fighting. But ladies, when his whistling grows louder, he is almost at the end of his patience.
- Drumming his fingers – just like the late drummer. Buddy Rich. This too is a safe outlet for the husband. And sometimes, his fingers drumming on the end-table is actually good. Maybe he was a drummer in high school or for a rock band and never told you. The thing to watch for is when the drumming stops. He is now . . .
- Pacing the floor – back and forth, back and forth making his number 12 shoes be heard on your hardwood floor. This is a danger-sign. Hurry if you can or just say in your most-feminine voice, “I am almost ready, honey.” That will calm him for a few minutes—giving you time to finish getting ready.
- Rattling car keys – or whatever change is in his pockets. The poor man doesn’t even know that he is doing this universal sigh of all impatient men everywhere. But if you were to look at his keys or key ring, you could see with the naked-eye the smooth place that his rattling over the years has made.
- Thoughtful reminders – ever so often, “Honey, the reservations were for nine,” he says in a friendly voice. “that’s p.m.,” he jokes, thinking this will rush you up. Next time he attempts to tell you the time, just tell him nicely, “Honey, I learned how to tell time in the fourth grade.
- Visits the bathroom – and this to the husband, is “going in.” He stands behind you combing his hair, adjusting his tie, but really, he is evaluating just how much you lack in getting ready. Please allow me to warn you: if he has to let his bowels move, then he has brought-out “the big guns,” for he knows this manly-event has awful aromas that would paralyze a charging male lion. So I would advise you to just speed up and hopefully his bowel-movement will wait until you get to the restaurant.
- Screening calls – right and left. Your husband is so hungry and impatient that he even tells your mother, “She’s in the bathroom for a long time,” and says this very-loudly so you will hurry and get ready to go. And let your mother know that you do not have time to talk about all of your childhood memories.
- Glaring – at you as you get ready. Your husband would have made a great hypnotist as he never bats an eye—watching you put on each item of clothing. “Can you not speed it up, babe?” he asks as you hear his stomach rumble. “I would hurry “if” you would get out of here,” you say and it works. He gallops to the living room, but says, “Honey, I’ll go ahead and start the car,” his way of proclaiming that you two are only moments away from having the meal of your lives.
- Using the pages – of the newspaper to display his anger mixed with impatience. He doesn’t turn the pages; he rattles them so you can hear how upset he is growing. Do not look out of the bathroom. Stand your ground. It will not hurt him to read a little instead of watching television.
- The last straw – that your impatient husband uses is, just bellowing to you, “Honey, how much do you lack being ready?”
And just as those words leave his mouth, you are grabbing your purse, wrap and checking your hair one last time as you say . . .”Ready! Do you need any money?”
You “just” said that last line to irritate him like he has you for the last hour.