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Things You Don't Want To Hear After Sex

Updated on October 8, 2015

Sex is a very private matter and it's usually very important to the participants that they do it well or that it goes well. Some things we like to hear after having sex, like "I love you". But other things we don't like to hear. Often, an utterance after sex that's less than complimentary can be a soul-killer and hit to one's self-confidence. We all want to make love like porn stars, but too often, most of us just make love like we're bored or only care about ourselves. If you've ever heard one of these things after you're done porking, you're probably not that good a sexual partner.

Here's a short list of things you probably don't want to hear after sex.

  • That was everything I thought it would be - This is a very vague statement. One thing you don't want after sex is vague statements. They usually mean nothing good. It reminds me of something a hiring manager I once knew used to write for referred candidates he didn't like: "you would be lucky to get this person to work for you."
  • Get off me - Most people want some snuggling after sex. For somebody to tell you to get off of them probably means they'd like you to leave as well. Of course, the person could be lying on their back looking up at a ceiling or piece of furniture that's on fire and is just telling you to get off so you can both run out of the house.
  • Ouch - Generally, pain during or after sex is a bad thing. But not always.
  • I'm bleeding - Blood is an even worse thing after sex.
  • You're not as good as your dad - Okay, so if your dad is really good, then you have nothing to worry about. However, if your dad isn't that good, then you have something to worry about. Furthermore, if you were previously unaware that your partner had copulated with your dad, then this is really bad.
  • You're not even as good as my dad - Oh, dear.
  • Whenever you're ready - Remember, these are things you don't want to hear after sex, so if you hear this one, you just had sex and your partner didn't even notice. That can't be good.
  • That'll be $100 - And you thought your lover was really into you. Boy, were you wrong. Of course, you should always be suspicious when you're trolling for your girlfriends at Las Vegas bars.
  • Where did my ferret go? - Basically, you don't want any pets to disappear while you're having sex.
  • You sucked at that - This is the direct approach. There are lots of things that can be said that sort of get this point across, but this one usually happens when things are really, really bad. Usually a partner who is into you will offer some tips or tricks or advice, but if it's really that bad, then you just tell the person that they sucked and hope they go away.
  • I need to leave - Usually if sex goes well, your partner will want to stay and cuddle. When things go really badly, your partner will usually want to leave as soon as possible and they'll make up an excuse, any excuse, to get the hell out of there.

Watch out!
Watch out! | Source
  • That was the greatest non-bovine sex I've ever had. How about you? - Apparently you just made love to somebody who sleeps with cows.
  • A little drunker and that might have seemed almost decent - Man, when your partner thinks it's bad even with the beer goggles on, that's not good.
  • My vasectomy was more fun than that - Well, at least you're not getting pregnant.
  • You know how people say "never a dull moment"? Well, now I know that's not true - Never good to bore somebody.
  • You could have tried a little harder - No effort usually means no reward.
  • There were three things I hoped never to experience in my life and that was one of them - Man, you just seriously negatively affected somebody's life. Nice job.
  • I'd roll over right now, but I'm afraid I'll vomit if I ever have to see you again - You should probably just go at this point.

It's just a parsnip (CC-BY 2.0)
It's just a parsnip (CC-BY 2.0) | Source

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  • wisdom25 profile image

    Maurice Wisdom Bishop 4 years ago from San Tan Valley

    That'll be $100.00. lol. That's funny. Much Love and Respect

  • peeples profile image

    Peeples 5 years ago from South Carolina

    Enjoyed! Number 3 doesn't have to be a bad thing though!