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10 of The Worst All-Time Toasts made at Wedding Receptions to Newlyweds

Updated on June 20, 2014

Toasts to wedded-couples go back to Medieval Times

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"Sold for five-hundred dollars! What? Wrong place?"

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Wedding receptions

One of the most-memorable, if not “the” most-memorable gala of gala events, has to be the wedding reception. Face it. Weddings are memorable, but compared to the wedding reception, which event has more exciting stories? I would wager the wedding reception for the simple fact that the reception is where all of the invited guests are not expected to sit-up straight as a piece of firewood, keep their natural bodily-functions in check, and hardly move.

Quite the opposite at the wedding reception, (some) wedding guests drink too much, dance too dirty, and make some borderline racy DVD scenes for years of memorable stories as the wedded-couple grow from stage to stage together. Frankly, I think that the hotter the wedding reception guests get, the longer the wedded couple stay together because as they both view their wedding reception from time to time, their circulation is increased as well as their heart rate and this induces the couple to try what they did on their wedding night, and although they fail, oh, the tender romance that this moment means to them, a couple still in love after 35 years.

The casual backyard barbecue wedding reception

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"Hoo-ray! I got your names right!"

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More about wedding receptions

Talk about self-centered. These friends of the bride and groom somehow have grown to think that the wedding reception is for them to ”strut their stuff,” while showing their butts. Throw in those scenes (most of America sees on America’s Funniest Home Video’s) of hot, drunken bridesmaids dirty dancing with their partners aside, plus all of the hook-up’s, break-up’s, and hang-up’s that go with a wedding reception, still, “the” number one memorable segment is the toast to the newlyweds made by the best friend of the groom, and sometimes made by the maid of honor, for as Bob Dylan crooned, “The ti—mes, they—are-a chan-gin’”

Actually, and nothing hidden here, God bless the best men and maids of honor when they are asked to propose “the” toast to the newlyweds, not just “a” common toast, but they get all excited, their eyes well-up with tears, they get speechless as the dreaded, “Pressure Monster,” silently and methodically, starts seeping into their heads because they all know that “this” toast will be “the” segment that is most-remembered for years and years.

Some get it right. Some do not. That is why this piece, “10 of The All-Time Worst Toasts Made at Wedding Receptions to Newlyweds,” was written. To let the awful, deplorable toasts in this story be a lesson to up and coming best men and maids of honor to master the toast before the wedding, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse, for maybe other best men and maids of honor who are now living in the shadows of shame, didn’t take the time to really study what they were going to say.

Successful toast = happy wedding reception

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"Guys, do not sell me out."

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Have you ever had to make "the toast" at a wedding reception?

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"Wedding bliss" result of a good toast.

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"Thank you

for taking the time to read this, and the hubs that I am blessed to publish. If I have, through my hubs, made you smile or laugh once . . .my work is worth it.


Kenneth

The toast

Note: it’s a funny-but-sad fact that that most best men or whomever offers “the toast,” to the married folks have been or still “hitting the sauce,” a bit much and this contributes to words and phrases in the once-sacred toast to be mangled, twisted and causes more laughs than once-heralded, Dennis Miller in concert.

So let’s kick this off with . . .

10. “Mikie,’ ol’ friend, your bride’s skin is silky white. She has eyes blue as the skies. But ‘Mikie,’ please take warning of your bride’s athletic thighs.”

9. “Johnny, Johnny, heart so true. Tonight I am glad that I am me and certainly not you!”

8. “Ladies and gentlemen, last week, ‘Andy,’ came to me very disturbed about if he had chosen the right girl for marriage.” “I laughed at ‘Andy’s” naivety almost-instantly, I said, ‘Andy,’ let me tell you something. “Margie,” is perfect for you—in every way, for 22 United States Marines can’t be wrong.”

7. “Let me start my ‘special’ toast to the bride, “Tiffany.” Girl, you got yourself one great guy. I really mean that. And don’t take my word for it, I just happen to have a special telegram from one of “Bill’s,” close friends. Let me read it to you. “Dear, Billy, I am happy that you are getting married, and I wish the best for you. I know that the reception will be festive. You were “great” last night and the home pregnancy test came up negative.”

6. “Okay. Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Settle down. It’s time for me to toast the wedded-couple. I am not that good at things like this, but I have known “Jimmy,” since grade school, yeah, we go back a lot of years. And “Jim,” I am not wanting you to take this the wrong way, and I am not saying anything wrong about “Sylvia.” “I can tell you that from what I know about “Sylvia,” she’s not a girl to carouse and show strange men her butt, but “what” she is when you are not around rhymes with that very word: Butt.”

7. “What a lovely man and wife sitting here in front of us. And what cahoona’s “Bob,” has to marry a girl like “Molly,” who had nerve enough to actually wear white in the wedding ceremony.”

6. “Ahhh, “Jillian,” my baby sister. Just look at you. All grown-up and a very lovely woman. I pray, as all of these guests pray, that “Leonard,” is a great husband, provider, and makes your life a life of ease . . .maybe tonight, your special wedding night, he will tell you about his “social disease.”

5. “I love you guys. You look great together. But “Nellie,” a word of warning: “Ted,” doesn’t believe in seat-belts, so you know that he is not about “protection.”

4. “Good luck and best wishes, “Peg,” I hope you years of happiness. But “Larry,” we are sure going to miss you down at “Jugs and Mugs,” your favorite strip joint . . .oooh, you never told “Peg,” that’s where you were all of those times you said you had to work late?” Hey, “Peg,” now be cool. “Larry” never did anything wrong. No. Hey, just ask, “Bubbles,” here. She works at this joint and said to tell you too, that he never did anything right either.”

3. “Here’s to you, “Shirley,” for a lot of happy times ahead. And please, especially tonight, on your wedding night, do not be alarmed when your now-legally-wed-husband, “Bert,” falls asleep and says the name, “Katherine,” in his sleep. “Katherine” isn’t another girl, but his mama.”

2. “Let’s lift our glasses to salute, “Kim,” what a great bride. And hey, you took my advice and did “do better” than that bum you were with a few months ago at the mall, but what are you doing with, “Don,”? I said “can’t you ‘do BETTER.’”?

1. “Best of everything to you, “Wanda.” “I wish you all good things and before we all drink a toast to you and “Chris,” I just want to read you a very romantic poem I happen to swipe from “Chris’” side of our apartment when he met you and now will move out. Ready?” Oh, sweet ‘Wanda,’ what a sexy wife you will make. You cause me to think things like would kissing you be a chance to take? No, because I despise your daddy and would love to tell your mom to “jump in the lake.”

Another note: “I do take this moment to offer all couples who are to be wed in this month of June, and to all those who have already wed. Take each day that comes and live it like it was your last. And if you, at separate times are asked to ‘make the toast,’ to a pair of newlyweds . . .I urge you to NOT use anything remotely connected to these lethal wishes." Kenneth.

Comments

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    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Word55,

      Well, I will put it this way. I would not have wanted to be the bride or groom at the weddings where THESE toasts were made.

      Then again, if a ruckus broke out, that might have been fun too.

      Thanks for the nice comment.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Jaye,

      Thank you for your sweet words and I am so glad that something I wrote made you laugh.

      That is really what my hubbing is all about: To make people laugh.

      Thanks for your comment.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Ericdierker,

      "Thank you so much for the great word of support."

      "Come by for a visit when you feel like it. You are always welcome."

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hackslap,

      LOL! You got that right.

      Thank you for your valuable input.

      Visit with me anytime you like. It is appreciated.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      sheilamyers,

      I am with you. At the weddings I have attended, I heard more hilarious stuff said under breath than openly on a microphone.

      Thanks for the humorous comment.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, blond logic,

      Wow! Eloped. Hey, that's not fair. There are no toasts for eloping! LOL. Thanks for stopping by.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      twoseven,

      Wow, Wedding Crashers? One of my favorite movies. And that was a funny bit with all of the toasts. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment.

      Visit with me often.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      grand old lady (who is NOT old)

      Thanks for your sweet comment. Nice twist of the phrase---worst toasts, but funny. I like that.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      KoffeeKlatchGirls,

      Hey! Nice to see you again. I mean it has been a really long time. Thank YOU all for your sweet and uplifting comment.

      I appreciate it very much.

      Have a great day or night, whenever you read this.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear ocfireflies,

      aka/ Kim,

      Aww, how sweet of you to say such nice things to me. I appreciate you so much. Glad you liked this and come back again.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      I thank you, teaches12345, for this comment.

      I appreciate you sticking with me over the years and I recall that you were among my first followers and I pray God will bless you, your family and work abundantly.

      Thanks.

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 

      4 years ago

      Speech class teaches you to be positive and keep it short but that goes out the window if the speaker is a bit tipsy. Funny but lots of truth in this post.

    • KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

      Susan Hazelton 

      4 years ago from Sunny Florida

      Thanks for the laugh. I can't decide which toast I like best. They were all funny.

    • grand old lady profile image

      Mona Sabalones Gonzalez 

      4 years ago from Philippines

      These are horrible! Which means, they are a FUNNY list of toasts at weddings. Great hub, kept me in stitches from start to finish.

    • twoseven profile image

      twoseven 

      4 years ago from Madison, Wisconsin

      Very funny! Reminds me of one of my favorite movies, Wedding Crashers, which includes a wonderful montage of funny toasts. The wedding scene in Old School also has to be one of the greatest of all times, and the toast captures a sad-but-true stereotypical toast theme - the toaster who makes the toast all about themselves.

    • Blond Logic profile image

      Mary Wickison 

      4 years ago from Brazil

      All I can say is, thank goodness I eloped.

      Funny list though.

    • profile image

      sheilamyers 

      4 years ago

      I've never heard anyone say those things as part of the toast, but I have heard them mumbled by other people sitting around the room.

    • Hackslap profile image

      Harry 

      4 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      Hahah ..I actually found these funny ..but yeah im sure the people at the receiving end of these didn't think so ...

    • Ericdierker profile image

      Eric Dierker 

      4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Excellent!

    • word55 profile image

      Al Wordlaw 

      4 years ago from Chicago

      ken? this was cool. You kept me going all the way. I wonder if any bride or groom got upset from toasts for real. Good list, good hub I enjoyed. Thanks for sharing Kim :-)

    • JayeWisdom profile image

      Jaye Denman 

      4 years ago from Deep South, USA

      I laughed my way through your funny list of wedding toasts, Ken. Voted Up+. Jaye

    • ocfireflies profile image

      ocfireflies 

      4 years ago from North Carolina

      Well, I guess you can guess which one is my favorite, but in case, the correct answer would be #2. Smiles. Excellent work per always and the kind of hub which should see lots of traffic. Kudos my friend. A V+/Share for sure.

      Best,

      Kim

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