25 Ways to Get the Girl of Your Dreams
Today I'm going to tell you how to get that girl. Be warned though that I'm going to be brutally truthful so if your easily offended, or a bit sensitive read on with caution.
#1 Get Rid of That Spare Tire
Alright so the only curls you've done since high school are with beer cans. Your a little bit chubby and that six pack you used to have is lurking somewhere beneath a few inches of pride aka belly fat. Get out and start running and doing some situps. I'm no statistician but I'm pretty sure the percentage of chicks that dig fat guys is low.
#2 Hygiene Hygiene Hygiene
If you only follow one of the steps on this list let it be this one. If you don't shower daily and brush your teeth at least twice a day kiss your chances of the object of your affection noticing you goodbye. I guess I should rephrase that... she'll notice you, but she'll notice that you smell like ass and your teeth are a ripe shade of yellow. This one I cannot stress enough.
#3 Get a haircut hippie
So you've been drinking hard alcohol and doing acid for the last five years. Sure your legally insane, but that's no excuse for the rug on your head. Go get a haircut and a clean shave. Not only will you feel revitalized but your dream girl will be one step closer.
#4 So your bald...
OK... So your bald and you can't get a haircut. This is OK as long as you don't have one of those horseshoes around your head. You may insist that its not a horseshoe and that your hairline has just slightly receded. Well usually when your hairline is on the back of your head its not receded its non existent. Go all the way bald or you may spend the rest of your days a lonely man.
#5 Dress to Kill
Who wears short shorts? YOU wear short shorts! Get rid of those damn things! Tossing out that Flannel that you've been wearing/haven't washed since the 80's wouldn't be a bad idea either. Chicks dig a guy with a bit of a sense of fashion. You don't have to be Brad Pitt, just get an outfit that matches. If worse comes to worse google someone cool and emulate them.
#6 Grow up already
So you still live in your mom's basement feeling sorry for yourself because your high school sweetheart dumped you. No one cares. Get a job and quickly follow rules one through five.
#7 Take Her Somewhere Special
So your game plan for asking her out consists of doing shots at the local pub. Please please please ditch this idea. Go to a state, or local park. Water parks are fun too. Go to a national attraction if its feasible. See an Imax movie for the first time. You have to be creative, because you don't want all that effort that went into your personal appearance to go to waste.
#8 Be courteous
Pinching, Hitting, and biting may have been your way of saying "I Love You" in third grade, but be warned if you attempt these methods now you may end up in prison.
#9 Be Confident
You are the man. You are unstoppable. You are the best looking specimen on the planet. Your presence screams "I am the alpha male." OK... So none of this is true, but denial can be a powerful thing. Use it to your advantage.
#10 Be Sensitive
Be considerate of your dream girls needs. She may need your support, so if she feels like talking try to be as comforting as possible. If she doesn't feel like talking don't push the issue. Buy her flowers and tell her shes pretty and please stop being a dick.
#11 Stop Talking About your Past
Sure that story of the time you and your best friend broke into the local liquor store and assaulted a police officer is one of your most coveted memories, but not only does no one else care, your girl may find this frightening. Try to use a little tact.
#12 Be yourself...
Don't pretend to be a Nascar driver. Don't pretend to be an astronaut. Just be yourself. True you work at a local variety store for minimum wage, but don't let this stop you from being the guy of her dreams! It's really not that big of a deal.
#13 Get a cool hobby
Yes you are a master of video games. Not all girls find this incredibly attractive. Learn how to play guitar or start a band. Get a skateboard and ride it like a champ. Show the world there is more to you than the blank stare on your face. Go get em'!
#14 Confess Your Undying Love for Her
OK... so you've followed rules one through thirteen. Some of you probably may want to repeat them before coming to this step. Now comes the part where you tell her exactly how you feel about her. Don't sugar coat it, just give her the truth. If she's not into you then its time to move on, and she obviously wasn't the girl of your dreams. Way to go stud.
#15 Put the Toilet Seat Down...
Ok so this one could fall under the being courteous step, but seriously put the toilet seat down when you're done. Failure to follow this step could result in your girl running out the door with a wet behind and a piece of toilet paper stuck to her shoe. This is bad.
#16 Make Her a Romantic Dinner
Go all out with this one. If you've saved your paychecks from the last month go ahead and splurge on the finest steak you can afford. Get candles lit and make sure to diversify the meal. Your girl will be impressed with your cooking skills and your ability to set the mood. A little bit of wine is OK but don't go overboard. If you end up falling over drunk she won't be impressed.
#17 Try to Stay Calm
Anxiety can happen to anyone, but if your heart is beating at 160 beats a minute and your sweating profusely you could end up bombing on the first date. Think happy thoughts. Practice your mastery of Zen and meditate your way to becoming one with your girl.
#18 Don't Hit on Her Mom
Seriously... Just don't...
#19 Be Assertive... but not too Assertive
Let her know where you see this relationship going. If she offers you an alternate viewpoint agree to disagree. No one wants to spend the rest of their life with a Nazi.
#20 Show off Those Dance Moves
Are you the next Michael Jackson? Please say no... Regardless you should have a halfway decent repertoire of moves just in case she asks you to dance. Start planning ahead. If for some reason you hit a home run and end up getting married your going to need them for the wedding.
#21 Try to be Personable with the In-Laws
If her dad is a black belt in Jujitsu it might be a bad idea to ask him for a friendly grappling match in the back yard. Not only will your arm be broken, but your girl may opt for someone who can defend her. Instead try initiating a friendly game of cards or trivial pursuit. Show off all those brains, after all one time I read in Maxim that intelligence is sexy.
#22 Be Passionate
This is love we're talking about, not mowing the lawn. If your bored it will be obvious and she'll throw you out the door. Let her know that shes the one. Don't be afraid to let your true emotions out. You'll feel better anyway.
#23 Do Something Sweet
Give her a gift that comes from the heart. Draw her a cute picture or write her a song. Even if it sucks she'll still be flattered that you went to this extent to impress her.
#24 Pay Attention to Her
Ok.. so you could have a severe case of ADD. Try to overcome this by listening for keywords. If she says something along the lines of "Oh I would really like this or that" and its only a couple of months from her birthday be sure to note it. She'll notice if your not paying attention and probably hold it against you.
#25 Ask a Friend
If you have a friend that's in a successful relationship ask him what he does to keep it going steady. True he might not be half the loser that you are but he may have some helpful points for you.
Congratulations, you now have all the knowledge you need to get the girl of your dreams. Go out and get em' tiger!
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