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11 Smart Ways to Deal with a Cheating Spouse

Updated on July 1, 2017

How to Deal with a Cheating Spouse

Communicating your feelings in an angry manner is  a bad way to deal with a cheating spouse
Communicating your feelings in an angry manner is a bad way to deal with a cheating spouse | Source

Introduction

There is a pervading atmosphere of unfaithfulness in many countries of the world today. That spirit has also affected marriages. More and more married people around the globe have to deal with a cheating spouse because marital infidelity is prevalent in the society today.

Knowing that your spouse is cheating can affect different people in different ways. Some spouses have committed suicide after learning of the infidelity of their spouse. Others have suffered nervous break downs when they got to know their spouse was engaged in infidelity. Others have also lost their faith in all humans and given themselves to enslaving habits such as drinking or living promiscuous lives.

Some women whose husbands are cheating sometimes ask, “How do I deal with a cheating husband?”

Some husbands also ask, “What is the best way to cope with a cheating spouse so that I will not be so disappointed that I will destroy myself? What is the best way to deal with a cheating spouse so that you can keep the relationship going, if you still love your spouse and want the marriage to work?”

There are many ways of dealing with a cheating spouse. In this article, I want to share with you 11 ways you can deal with a cheating spouse and still maintain your relationship, and also what to do when you know your spouse is cheating.

Get Evidence

It is not wise to confront a cheating spouse with no proof. Therefore, make an effort to get pictures, videos, or audio recordings of the secret meetings between your spouse and his lover. This will help you to have a strong case against him because when you present the evidence to him, he cannot deny he is cheating. On the other hand, if you just say you think he is cheating or you tell him you know he is cheating, he will just deny it and go on cheating. This is the best way to deal with a cheating, lying spouse.

Tell Your Spouse a Story

In the Bible, when God ordered Nathan to inform David that He (God) was displeased with David for cheating, Nathan broke the news about the fact that God was displeased with David’s behavior in a very tactful way: he told an interesting story. This story did not provoke David but rather helped him to see he was doing something very wrong, and he showed remorse.

You can also use this strategy to let your spouse know you are aware he is cheating. Craft an interesting story about a man who was cheating and thought his wife did not know, or vice versa, and then gently break it to your spouse that you know he is cheating. Alternatively, tell a story about a woman who gave all her love to her husband and whose husband trampled on her love leading to her tragic death, or vice versa. Make the story as emotional as possible.

Then say something such as, “Why, Isaac, why? After all we have been through together? Why would you do this?” Try to look sad. This strategy may touch the heart of your spouse, make him or her see they are hurting you badly, and it could be the catalyst that will help him to reconsider his actions. As a result, your spouse may decide to change. This is a great way to confront a cheating spouse.

How to Emotionally Deal with a Cheating Spouse: Communicate Your Feelings

Let your spouse know exactly how you feel about his behavior by communicating it effectively. Tell him how badly he has hurt you and let him know how angry you are with the situation. However, do not go overboard and deride him or vilify him. Do not make it personal. Attack the situation and the possible consequences of his action for your marriage and not your spouse as a person. For example say something such as, “You are wasting money we could use to pay bills on that woman,” instead of saying, “You have got no sense! You are a stupid man!”

Furthermore, use euphemistic words instead of the literal words to convey our anger. This is less likely to provoke your spouse and it may help to prevent a big fight which can lead to a divorce. For example, instead of saying, “You are a very foolish man for sleeping with another woman,” you could say, “You are a very thoughtless man.” Try to make it easy for your spouse, though you are very angry.

Try to Figure Out What Caused Your Spouse to Cheat

Though this is hard to do, you must do it because it may give you some insights into why your spouse is cheating. These insights can help you to solve the root problem—the main problem—that caused your spouse to cheat.

Moreover, having a rough idea of the possible causes of the cheating is a good way to deal with the hurt of a cheating spouse because sometimes when we understand why someone did something, it prevents us from worrying too much—it relieves us emotionally and makes us feel better.

Therefore, try to figure out by yourself the possible factors that may have caused your spouse to cheat. Write down the things you feel you may have done wrong that made your spouse cheat and also the things your spouse has been doing wrong in the marriage which you think have led to his action.

Later, when you sit down to discuss the situation, present the list so that each of you can see how you helped to create the situation that led to the cheating. This will help to prevent one spouse from putting all the blame for the current situation on the other spouse.

Table. 1. Table Showing How You Can Write What You Think Caused Your Spouse to Cheat

My contribution to this situation
My spouse's contribution to the situation
 
I think I do not give Isaac too much of my time. I must try to make more time for him.
Isaac spends too much time with other women. I must draw his attention to it.
 
I do not give him the attention he needs. I must do my best to improve.
Isaac watches pornography too much. It is making him very lustful. We must discuss ways he can deal with this habit.
 
I nag too much and because of that he is not happy in the house. I will learn to cut down on complaining.
Most of Isaac’s male friends are womanizers. They are influencing him. We must discuss that.
 
How to Prevent Yourself From Blaming Your Spouse for Cheating

Try to See Things Through Your Spouse's Eyes

Put yourself in your spouse’s place and try to feel how he feels. Ask yourself honestly, “If I had been in his shoes, how would I have behaved? If I had been the one who was not happy in this marriage, how would I have felt? Would I have acted the way he is acting now? Is it possible I am doing something that is hurting him so much but which I am not seeing? Am I being too selfish?” and so on.

This exercise will help you to get your perspective right so that you can confront your spouse in a conciliatory spirit and not in an angry, bitter spirit which can lead to acrimony between the two of you.

Resolve the Conflict That Caused Your Spouse to Cheat, Amicably

Sometimes it is our actions that push our spouse to look for love or sex outside the marriage. You must recognize this and factor it in your attempts to resolve the issue. Therefore, when you confront your spouse, admit that it is possible you may have done something that contributed to making him cheat. You can say something such as, “I realize I have not been spending too much time with you. I must say I acknowledge I am wrong on that score. I know that is part of the problem. I have been thinking about that lately and I will do my best to make more time for you.”

Admitting you are also fallible will prevent you from entirely blaming your spouse and that will make him more willing to humble himself and also admit that what he is doing is wrong. Moreover, it will help to maintain the peace in the home. This is one good way to resolve a conflict in marriage so that you can prevent a break up.

Let Your Spouse Know You Will Not Tolerate Such Behavior

Let your spouse know you demand certain things from him if he wants to continue in the relationship. Put this information across to him by using the word “I”. For example, you can say, “I demand that you stop seeing that girl. I promise you that I will leave you if I see you with her again.”

Send a strong signal to him that his behavior will cost him. You can say something such as, “I cannot expose myself to sexually transmitted diseases. I will not sleep with you again till you stop seeing that man. Furthermore, I insist you do an HIV test after you break up with him. I will not sleep with you for six months after that test to make sure I do not expose myself to harm. That is the price you have to pay for cheating!”

Stop Giving Your Spouse Some Benefits

You need to let your spouse know that he cannot cheat and still enjoy certain benefits from you. If you are a wife, for example, you can make it clear to your spouse that he cannot expect you to do his laundry for him whilst he is seeing another woman. If you are a husband, you can tell your wife in no uncertain terms that she cannot expect you to provide food for her. Alternatively, you may choose to move out of the matrimonial bedroom to another room. The bottom line is do something that will make your spouse regret that he cheated.

Remind Him Often of the Consequences of Cheating

Your spouse may think he is enjoying himself. That may make him forget that there are terrible consequences that follow cheating. Therefore, make it appoint to hammer into your spouse the consequences of cheating at every opportunity.

  • If your spouse is religious, remind him of death and the judgment cheaters will face when they die in their sins. Remind him that he can die at any time and face God in judgment. This may put some fear in him and he may repent of his behavior.
  • If your spouse is not religious, remind him of the many people he or she has seen who have destroyed their lives because of cheating.
  • If you are a husband and your wife is cheating, you may remind her of the wives who are now lonely and broken because they cheated, their husbands divorced them, and the men they cheated with also left them because they had gotten what they wanted, which was sex.
  • If you are a wife and your husband is cheating with many women, you can deal with a cheating husband by reminding him of husbands who have developed incurable sexually transmitted infections because of cheating. Furthermore, you may remind him of husbands who have been sacked from their jobs because they became psychologically unstable due to their philandering and so could not focus well on their job. This may make him think twice about his behavior and it could stimulate a positive attitudinal change in him.

Seek Help

Ask someone who has some amount of influence over your spouse to speak to him. This person could be his work colleague, your spouse’s close friend who has also cheated on his spouse before and who has seen the damage cheating can do to a marriage, or his brother or sister who has also cheated before and has learnt lessons from the experience. Let these people share their negative experiences with your spouse.

The knowledge these people share with your spouse may have a positive influence on him. It may make your spouse reason and see that he can also suffer those same negative consequences. Consequently, it may make him stop cheating.

Pray

One of the ways to deal with a cheating spouse, if you are a Christian, is to seek God’s intervention. “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible,” the Bible says in Matthew 19:26. God can make your spouse’s reason return to him, as He did to Nebuchadnezzar, so that your spouse can see that what he is doing is wrong. This is an excellent way to deal with a spouse who keeps cheating because, sometimes, evil spirits make a person cheat and the only one who can deal with the evil spirits and set your spouse free so that he can stop cheating is God.

Therefore, pray in faith for God to deliver your spouse. Pray a prayer such as, “Dear God, Isaac has been sleeping with Afua and that is affecting our marriage. I hate his behavior and I know you also hate what he is doing to me and to the marriage. Please, just as you made Nebuchadnezzar see reason by humbling him, let Isaac too see reason. Let him "come to himself" and realize that he is destroying our marriage. If evil spirits are behind his behavior, please fight for me and set him free from those evil spirits. Let his heart turn back to me again and let him love me again as he used to. Amen.”

God will honor your prayer if you ask Him, believing that He will do it, and He will change your spouse.

Conclusion

To deal with a cheating spouse, you must prove beyond all reasonable doubts that you know your spouse is cheating so that you can begin the process of trying to mend the marriage. In addition, you must find creative ways to make him know you know he is cheating. Furthermore, make an effort to communicate your feelings without antagonizing your spouse, remind him of the risks and dangers he is exposing himself to and seek both human and spiritual help.

If you do these things, you can save your marriage. The next challenge will be to trust your spouse again so that you can restore the love in the marriage.

How to Deal with a Cheating Spouse

Would you try to get evidence if you knew your spouse was cheating?

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© 2017 Isaac Yaw Asiedu Nunoofio

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 months ago

      Know yourself, Love yourself, Trust yourself.

      Unless (you) have a history of being paranoid and insecure in relationships there is no reason to doubt if yourself.

      "If something doesn't (feel) right to you it's probably not right for (you).

      Get evidence; "This will help you to have a strong case against him because when you present the evidence to him, he cannot deny he is cheating." This is nothing more than an ego exercise to let the cheater know he or she didn't outsmart you.

      However you still must decide whether or not cheating is a "deal breaker". If it is, file for divorce.

      Saying things like: ", “I demand that you stop seeing that girl. I promise you that I will leave you if I see you with her again"

      Sometimes will cause the reverse. Truth is sometimes cheaters feel a {sense of relief} once everything has come out in the open.

      It's not unheard of for (them) to decide they want out of the marriage or possibly prefer to be with "the other woman/man".

      We often have an (assumption) that when a cheater gets caught they will {beg us for forgiveness} or ask us not to leave them.

      "Stop Giving Your Spouse Some Benefits"

      Actually this is one of main reasons why a lot of men claim they cheat. Their wives had already stopped giving them "benefits"!

      "Remind Him Often of the Consequences of Cheating"

      To be honest with you cheating is a "selfish act".

      The average cheater is only interested in addressing his/her needs. They knew the risks before they stepped out.

      However most cheaters don't expect to get caught!

      "Sometimes it is our actions that push our spouse to look for love or sex outside the marriage."

      If we're being completely honest both monogamy and cheating are (choices) the "individual" makes. People cheat for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it's just for the thrill of being with someone "new". There is nothing you can do to make you new.

      Even if you force the cheater to give you a "reason" for cheating there is nothing he or she could say that would make it justified in (your) eyes.

      The only chance for reconciliation in my opinion is if the cheater deeply regrets their actions and shows major contrition while willing to bend over backwards to be transparent and earn their mate's trust again.

      Even then the betrayed person has to be honest with them self as to whether or not they can truly forgive. Sometimes people are quick to offer forgiveness because they're in shock regarding learning about their spouse cheating. Adding a divorce to the mix is too much for them to bear. However weeks or months later they may decide they really can't get past it.