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12 Early Warning Signs that a Person is Not Right For You

Updated on July 21, 2017

I always believe it is vitally important to ask the person you are dating some serious questions about what he or she wants in life, in relationships, what are their desires, their goals, dreams. Failure to do this can result in individuals finding themselves in a relationship for a year(s) and then realize they are not right for one another. They were actually dating the wrong man or woman and did not know it. They placed emphasis on the chemistry or feelings for a person and did not really get to know him/her. So, here are some tips to know if this person is the right man/woman to pursue a committed relationship with and the right mate for you.

1. You Feel Worse Instead of Better when you spend time with this person

When you are in a relationship you should enjoy spending time with one another, be eager to learn things about each other, your family, upbringing, be able to talk to another, feel uplifted and encouraged and free to discuss things.

If after spending time with the person, you end up feeling worse most of the time than if you were alone or you feel confused, overwhelmed, drained emotionally, frustrated, angry, depressed, controlled, instead of happy and joyful, then these are red flags.

If your partner discourages and crushes your dreams and desires are makes you feel worthless, instead of affirming you, if they have a negative perspective about life then you should take heed.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but if the negative emotions outweigh the good, then it is time to do some evaluation.

2. Different Views on the Roles and Responsibilities of Men/Women

EXAMPLES:

  • The man wants a woman who will be a homemaker and take care of kids, but does not want her to work and have a career. The woman has a graduate degree and made plans of what she wants to do and be. Each is unwilling to compromise and understand each other’s view.

FOR THIS TO WORK OUT: Although both may love one another, the man either has to change his traditional view of his role of a wife or the woman have to lay down her dreams.Or she can let go of this man and wait for the one who will support her and embrace all that she is.

  • Or the woman wants to be a wife and be a stay at home mom, but the man wants her to contribute an income to the family.


  • The guy expects the woman to do all the household chores, cooking, laundry and he must not contribute anytime in this area. The woman would like him to help out occasionally.

Some relationships can compromise on some issues, but if the other is bent on what they want and there is nothing you can do to change their minds, it is best to find someone else.

3. Sense of Control/Not free to be Yourself

This is a big area in a relationship. Sometimes a person in a relationship may not know that they are being controlled.


Examples of these are:

  • Your partner’s constant discouragement and put down about your dreams, plans, accomplishments, failure, flaws instead getting support, help and encouragement from the person. He/she has a way of talking you out of the things that you want to do with your life. There is a difference between someone giving their opinion and suggestions vs pushing you to do what they want you do.


  • If you do not know what you want in a relationship, or out of life, feel inferior, do not know who you are, the things you like or dislike, then your partner who knows what he/she wants always leading the way in the relationship and you will just go along with it- you are an open prey for someone to control you.

It is wise not to be in a romantic relationship if you do know things about yourself- so take time to know who you are. Your feelings and views do matter.


  • Another area of control is your person is often critical how you clean the house, how you cook, how you organize your place or office, how you fold your clothes, what you wear, how you decorate your home, etc. The aim is that your way of doing things is wrong and their way is the right way.

It is not control, If there is an area where you do not know how to do something or not good at like cooking, cleaning, or organizing, or whatever it may be, and the other partner offers help and a few pointers in that area. He/she does not make you feel like inferior, you are always wrong or can't do anything right.

  • The next area of control, You do not feel to express your own view, opinions on certain topics, because it wrong to believe this way OR when you do express your feelings in an area, you get a negative reaction so you never mention the issue to keep the peace and so the person will not leave.
  • Control in the activities you do, people you hang out with. - it is not acceptable in your partner's eyes.

The root cause of control is fear and insecurity. You may in your heart love this person, but if you are not free to be you are, if you are not loved with all your imperfections, likes and dislikes, and always have to be changing yourself to be with this person, then he/she does not appreciate and value you and they may not possibly not be the right one for you.

4. Different Career Plans

If one person pursues a career in a foreign country, and the other takes a business proposition the United States, these individuals are clearly going in different places. If neither chooses to go where the other is or settle in one fixed place in the future, then a romantic relationship should not continue. It can be quite difficult to accept this, that’s why it is extremely important at the beginning to ask questions about the person’s career and plans he/she has for his life.

5. You are on a Different Page and want Different things

You want a serious, committed relationship, but this person is a workalcoholic and only contacts you when he/she needs a break or need a date for a business function.

One person does not want children and the other wants children.

One person wants to get married in a year, when the other is not even thinking about getting married for another 3-5 years.

One person wants to continuously travel the world and other wants to be settled in a small town or big city.

One person is gold digger, another is looking for love

Find out who you are dating. Ask the questions upfront and do not remain stuck with the wrong person because you do not want to be alone.




6. Problem with Other Relationships in Your Life

Sometimes one person in the relationship believes he/must must only spend time with each other and no one else. They have a problem or expresses discomfort when you occasionally spend time with other friends and other people. I can understand when he/she is spending most of your time with other people, then the relationship needs some attention.

But You should not give up hanging out with friends or relatives once in a while to demonstrate complete commitment to your partner. This person may be relying on you to make him/her happy. It can even turn into possession, manipulation or obsession. Both individuals must at times do things without their partner. Your partner needs to develop friends that he/she can do fun things with as well.

7. No Interest or Emotion in What Matters to You After Frequent Confrontations

Whether it is your future dreams,ambitions,the things you like or dislike, a sick relative, debts,a promotion, a raise,daily events, death in the family,your birthday, or what you want in a relationship, you noticed that he/she does not show care and concern in the things that matter to you. But you for the most part care about the things that matter to him/her. This can be seen when he/she do not remember when you share something important. OR only the activities and hobbies of the other person are more important. If after confronting that person, there is no change in him/her, then it is time to move on.

You really do not want to spend your life with someone who does not care about what matters to your heart. You want to be with someone who shares in your joys, pains, good days and hard days and experience life together.

8. You do not Share Similar Values

Values consist of who we are, like honesty, integrity, empathy, compassion for others, faith, dedication, loyalty, responsibility are important to you and in person.

If you recognize that a person does not have similar values and you are changing your values to please that person, then it seems you are trying to change yourself and that's not healthy.

If you are dating someone, you notice they are lying, cheating, stealing, they do not care about others, dishonest, deceptive, or even have a pattern of destructive behaviors like heavy alcohol drinking, drug abuse, pornography, gambling, violent, these things are very harmful to a relationship.

You should not be dating someone like that but point him/her to a place where they can receive help.

9. He/she does not have the Qualities You are Looking for

What are some qualities to look for? Someone who is mature, knows what they want in life, open and receptive to things, sensitive, respect your boundaries, appreciate and value who you are, knowing what he/she has when they have you, approachable, have a sense of humor, etc

Red flag qualities: arrogant, proud, know it all, not open to feedback, controlling, won't take no for an answer, intimidating, possessive, doesn't care, loves to party, no vision for his life, no boundaries, no values, insensitive, very selfish, etc.




10. One person like to explore, do new things, love the outdoors, while the other is contented with the quiet, simple life he or she has.

One individual is always trying out new things, travelling to new places, trying out new foods, and doing unusual things. He desires to have a partner to enjoy the things he loves to do. if the other person enjoys where they are, don’t feel the need to venture out, take risk and d o the things that is exciting to him, it can complicate things. He can view his partner’se quiet simple life as boring or not filled with excitement. Conversely, people with low openness are conservative, risk-averse, and will end up seeming boring to their more curious partners. If neither is willing to understand and accept the otherand hel

11. Problems in Communicating

You find it difficult to communicate with him/her, regarding everyday events, important issues, feelings, expectations and they don't relate what's going on, taking place in their lives, you always feel like they are hiding something or not telling you everything. They are not totally open about themselves. If after confronting this to the person and there is no effort in changing, then take a hard look at the relationship and make a wise choice.

12. Never Spend time Together/Busy Lifestyle

Weeks go by and you do not spend time with one another. You are busy with your career, events, activities and your life is overcrowded to get a date. The only way to get to know a person is to spend time with one another and have fun with each other.




5 out of 5 stars from 1 rating of Finding the Right Mate

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    • Madison22 profile image

      Madison 3 years ago from NYC

      Great hub, important too!

    • Cristale profile image

      Cristale 3 years ago from Florida

      This hub is great! It is very insightful and informative.

    • Janellegems profile image
      Author

      Janellegems 3 years ago from United States

      Thanks Madison22 for stopping by and reading my hub.

    • Janellegems profile image
      Author

      Janellegems 3 years ago from United States

      Thanks Cristale. I appreciate your comment.

    • Hackslap profile image

      Harry 3 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      Some very useful tips you've outlined here ... the red flags that I've personally been through on more than one occasion is my love interest gets pleasure out of putting me (or as such anyone else down) due to her own insecurities and lack of self esteem .... ie..giving rise to feelings of worthlessness and resentment ..

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Interesting and definitely a helpful hub. Relationships are challenging and many couples don't see your points mentioned right away.

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Isaac Weithers 3 years ago from The Caribbean

      Serious deal breakers--none more important than numbers 2 and 8. Good presentation and voted Up!

    • Janellegems profile image
      Author

      Janellegems 3 years ago from United States

      Thank you so much Hackslap for reading my hub and for your comment. I am glad you recognize the red flags in your relationship and hope you confronted that area in your partner and do not just go along with that. Have a good day.

    • Janellegems profile image
      Author

      Janellegems 3 years ago from United States

      That's right DDE some people do not always see it right away. It may take them a while. Thank you for stopping by and for your comment.

    • Janellegems profile image
      Author

      Janellegems 3 years ago from United States

      Thank you MsDora always for your comment. I appreciate you stopping by and reading my hub.

    • Efficient Admin profile image

      Efficient Admin 3 years ago from Charlotte, NC

      These tips are so spot on! Voted up and useful.

    • Janellegems profile image
      Author

      Janellegems 3 years ago from United States

      Thank you so much Efficient Admin for your comment and the vote up. I appreciate it.

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 3 years ago

      This is good information and I would agree that these signs should be a signal. Some people just don't have the will power to follow through on such good wisdom.

    • Janellegems profile image
      Author

      Janellegems 3 years ago from United States

      Thank you teaches12345. I absolutely agree. I appreciate your comment.

    • Danext profile image

      Dan Lema 3 years ago from Tanzania

      5, 11 and 12 are the major warnings and the ones i tried ignoring but ended badly for me, so i can say from personal experience that; those three are big ones for me....

    • Janellegems profile image
      Author

      Janellegems 3 years ago from United States

      Danext, Thank you for reading my hub, and for your comment. I am glad you recognized the warnings signs in your relationships or past relationships and continue to take heed and not ignore them, but use them to help you in your life.

    • MarikhellJk profile image

      Marikhell J. 2 years ago from Olongapo City, Philippines

      This is exactly what I have and need to read..thank you very much for blogging this... god bless

    • Janellegems profile image
      Author

      Janellegems 2 years ago from United States

      MarikhellJk , I am glad this is what you needed and it helped you. Thank you for your comment.

    • Seneya Azad profile image

      Seneya Azad 2 years ago

      Great hub you wrote. These signs are so true :)

    • Janellegems profile image
      Author

      Janellegems 2 years ago from United States

      Thanks Seneya for reading my hub and for your comment.

    • abrodech profile image

      Anya Brodech 2 years ago from 130 Linden St, Oakland, California, 94607

      Good stuff, totally agree with you.

      What I found is a good indicator of how much a guy likes you, is how much attention he pays to you when you're together with him and if he treats you as a priority in his life or not. I dated a few guys who were always on their cell phones when we were hanging out or on a date, checking their facebook, playing video games, and taking extensive phones calls. If you're with someone, you're WITH someone! It's bad manners to spend your time ignoring the person who is right in front of you and it shows that you have other things that are more important.

      Also, guys that frequently cancel or show up late, like an hour and a half late, without an apology, are no-go's. It's bad manners to be more than 10 minutes late without contacting the person that you're running late, and if it's more than that, you should absolutely apologize and offer to reschedule for another time.

      Long story short, if the person you're dating doesn't make you feel like important to them, then chances are, you're probably not and you should get rid of them!

      Sincerely,

      Anya

    • Janellegems profile image
      Author

      Janellegems 2 years ago from United States

      Thank you Anya for reading my Hub and for you awesome comment. You are absolutely right about everything. Good advice here.

    • Julie K Henderson profile image

      Julie K Henderson 2 years ago

      This is full of helpful advice. I once dated someone who made me feel worse after I spent time with him, and I now wish I would have ended things sooner. Well done.

    • Janellegems profile image
      Author

      Janellegems 2 years ago from United States

      I am glad you recognize this, Julie. Thank you for reading my Hub and I appreciate your comment.

    • Julie K Henderson profile image

      Julie K Henderson 2 years ago

      You are very welcome.

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