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12 Intelligent Ways to Get the Spark Back in a Marriage Relationship

Updated on June 2, 2017

How to Get the Spark Back in a Marriage Relationship

Setting aside "talking time" will help you to get the spark back in a marriage relationship
Setting aside "talking time" will help you to get the spark back in a marriage relationship | Source

You Can Get the Spark Back

As you read this article, you may be in a sad mood because you do not feel happy in your marriage. You do not feel the love you used to feel for your spouse, and you do not see the excitement you used to see when you first married. All of it is gone.

But there is good news for you. You can get the spark back in your marriage if you are determined to save your marriage, and make it exciting once again.

“But how can I get the spark back in my marriage?” you may be asking.

Below, I outline a few things you can do to get the spark back into your marriage so that you can be happy again.

Forgive Your Spouse

You will have to deal with all emotional issues you have with your spouse, if you want to get the spark back into a marriage relationship. Harboring bitterness, unforgiveness, hatred, anger, discontent, and holding on to hurts from the past will make it difficult for you to develop fresh love feelings for your spouse. You must therefore deal with painful thoughts personally, on your own, by deciding to let go of all the pain, choosing to forget them, and remembering that your spouse is your lover, and so you must forgive your lover as a sign of love on your part.

If you still have issues to talk about with your spouse, or you still find it difficult to let go, after you have made an attempt, talk to your spouse and let him or her help you by discussing the issues.

Have a Discussion

If you want to get the spark back in a marriage relationship, you must first admit that there is a problem, that you don’t feel your spouse loves you as much as they used to, and you must also admit that you have not been showing your spouse the kind of affection you used to show at the beginning of your marriage. This will give you a motivation to want to do something about it. If you feel comfortable with the situation, you will do nothing about it.

Having identified that there is a problem, you must then take the practical steps to get the spark back in your marriage, the first and most important of which is to have an honest discussion with your spouse in which you voice out your dissatisfaction with the situation. This discussion is important because you may be worried about the situation, but your spouse may feel comfortable about the situation and want things to continue the way they are. If you do not get your spouse’s co-operation, you will put in all the effort and see no results in the end because your spouse will not do his or her part to get the spark back in the marriage.

Therefore, you have to pull your spouse along and make him or her see the need to change things.

During this discussion:

  1. Say in plain language how you feel things have changed for the worse in the marriage. You can say something such as, “Darling, I remember when we met at college and fell in love.” Pause, smile, and get pensive for a minute. Then, continue with what you have to say. “It was great! But, I just don’t feel that fire anymore, darling.” Then, look into your spouse’s face. “I miss the days when we used to kiss first thing in the morning, the hugs we used to give each other in the evening when we came home from work, the hours we spent just talking about our love for each other.” Pause at this point and heave a sigh to show you are really troubled about the situation. Then look in your spouse’s face and say, “Darling, I want those days to come back. We must bring back those days!”
  2. Give instances from the past when the fire in the marriage was hot. Say how it made you feel, and the joy and happiness you got from it.
  3. Talk about the ways you are missing the frequent lovemaking sessions you used to have, the intimate talks you used to have when you were watching television, the acts of affection you used to show each other, and the gifts and words of appreciation you used to get regularly. Try to create a nostalgic feeling in your spouse so that he or she will want those days to come back.
  4. Ask your spouse how he or she feels about the situation, and what they think both of you can do to get the spark back in the marriage relationship.
  5. Agree to an action plan, a set of measures you will take in the shortest possible time, to start doing something about the situation. For example, you can agree that in the next two weeks, you are going to start kissing again early every morning the moment you wake up, or you will start hugging again every evening when you return from work.

Remind Yourself of Loneliness

Read, or watch, the stories of single men and women who are dying to have someone to love in their lives. Remind yourself of the frustrations they are going through because they have no one to love them, and because they have no one to pour their love on. It will make you appreciate that you have something wonderful, and it may inspire you and your spouse to rekindle the love for each other.

Love Yourself Again

You cannot love someone if you do not love yourself, for you can only give what you have. So, if you don’t love yourself, you cannot give love to another person. Therefore, if you want to get the spark back in a marriage relationship, you have to learn to love yourself again so that you can love your spouse again.

How do you love yourself again?

  • Stand in front of your mirror for about ten minutes every morning or evening. Just look at your image and admire it. Thank God for creating you so wonderfully. Gaze at the parts of your body you find very attractive and smile about them. Then say to your image, “I love you!” Be happy about what you see in the mirror, and be glad that you have such a great body.
  • Say words such as, “I am a great person. I am beautifully and wonderfully crafted by the Master Creator. I was a good boy when I was a child. I was a great student at school. I am a wonderful husband, or wonderful wife. I am a great father, or mother. I am a kind, generous person. I am a very productive worker. I am smart. I am handsome, or beautiful. My family loves me. My friends love me. God loves me. I love myself! I love myself!” These words will make you feel good about yourself and make you love yourself.
  • Think about all the good things you have done in your life. Let those thoughts remind you that you are a worthy person. It will make you see that there are a lot of things to love about yourself.

Write Down Your Fantasies

Write down your fantasies, and make your spouse do the same. Go through the lists and decide on about ten that you think you can do immediately, and start doing them. For example, if your fantasy is to go to an exotic location for a weekend, start making plans so that you can both go to that location to spend time together. As you co-operate to do your fantasies, and you spend time together, the love connection between the two of you will start to get stronger again.

Visit New Places Together

Visiting places you have never seen, and places you have never been to before, can help you to get the spark back in a marriage relationship. It will breath freshness into your lives, and help you to renew your affection for your spouse. As you ask questions about these new places, when you go there, and move around together, and see other couples showing love for each other, and as you do fun things together, you may feel young again and have a hunger to be happy again, which may influence you to renew your love for your spouse.

As you move around in these places, make sure you walk hand-in-hand, or at least make efforts to engage in physical contact, such as touching each other regularly, to signify that you are starting things afresh. Mentally, it will give you a desire to want to begin anew.

Set Aside "Talking Time"

Agree to spend some minutes, if not hours, every week talking about nothing but your love for each other.

  • Write a list of topics you will talk about every time you have this “talking time.”
  • You can decide to have these talking times in the evening when you come home from work, and after you have had your supper. Go to your bedroom, go through the list, and pick the topics one by one and discus them. Make it fun by teasing each other, tapping each other’s body parts, and laughing. Don’t let it be just another discussion between you and your spouse.
  • Discuss things you can do to bring freshness into your marriage.

Talk to Other Couples

Identify couples who seem to be enjoying their marriages in your neighborhood, and who have been married for at least thirty years, and talk to them. Ask them the secrets of their success and try to learn lessons from the tips they give you. You will get valuable ideas which you can use to get the spark back in your marriage relationship.

Alternately, you can talk to couples in your family who are still keeping the love their in their marriage. Try to extract the secret of their success from them and implement the ideas that suit you.

Date Again

Have regular dates again. Do not go back to the same restaurants or places of amusements you went to when you first fell in love. To signify a renewal of your love for each other, choose different restaurants and places of amusement.

Also, have dates at home. You can decide to do this three or four times a week. Wear some of your clothes you have not worn before for these dates, and talk about things you do not usually talk about as a couple, such as how you think your life would have been like if you had not met your spouse, or ways you think your spouse has helped to change your life. It will make your spouse see you need them in your life, and they will be more willing to renew their love for you.

Spend Some Time Apart

You can decide as a couple to spend some days in the week apart so that you will miss each other, which is likely to make you appreciate each other more when you get back together.

You can decide to spend one or two weekdays in the week in a hotel, instead of at home with your spouse, if you have the money. Or, you could spend these days with a relative or friend. Alternately, you can decide to spend some weekends apart so that you can miss each other more. After working busily throughout the week with no time for your spouse, and then not seeing your spouse during the weekend too, may make you desire to be in your spouse’s company again, so that when you come back together again, you will show love and affection to your spouse. It will help to make your marriage work again.

Be Determined

It will take a lot of determination on your part to get the spark back in your marriage. Changing a behavior can take some time, and you could suffer reverses as you try. What will make you succeed is the determination to get the spark back into the marriage.

Therefore, be determined. Make up your mind you will not give up until the change you desire happens. Work with perseverance and hope. Take things one day at a time. When you suffer reverses, analyze why the reverses occurred. Discuss what caused the reverses together, and make new commitments to each other to persist in your project to get the spark back in your marriage. Help each other. Do not put all the weight of this project on your spouse. These things will make your marriage relationship last longer.


God is a God of love. He is the best person to consult if you want to get the spark back in your marriage. He is the God who helped Peter to love Jesus again after he denied Him three times.

Talk to Him. Put your situation before Him and ask for His help. He will be all too willing to lend you a helping hand. You can pray a prayer such as, “Dear Father, I have a problem. I do not feel the kind of love I used to have for Ike. I am not happy about the situation, and so I am coming to You for your help. Please help me to learn to love Ike again. Renew my love for him, like you helped Peter to have new love for Jesus after he denied Him. You are the God of love. You are love, and You know how to help people to love again. Please help me to have the wonderful desire I used to have for Ike all over again. Amen.”

If you pray in faith, God will answer your prayer and put a new desire for your spouse in your heart.

How to Get the Spark Back in a Marriage Relationship

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© 2017 Isaac Yaw Asiedu Nunoofio


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    • Papeeebooks profile imageAUTHOR

      Isaac Yaw Asiedu Nunoofio 

      22 months ago from Ghana

      You make very valid points. Great comment!

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      22 months ago

      "What will make you succeed is the determination to get the spark back into the marriage." - Very true!

      Agree as a couple to make passion/romance a {priority}.

      Personally I have never heard of any couple waking up one morning and saying (together): "Lets stop having sex!"

      What normally happens is (one) person makes them self less available and eventually the person with a higher libido gives up. Sometimes they may even end up cheating on their mate.

      In the beginning of (new relationships) there is usually an "infatuation phase". During this period typically laughter comes easily, passion/romance, token gifts and cards are given "just because", long conversations, and sex is off the charts!

      (Almost anything goes {in the beginning} because no one wants to risk blowing it with the object of their affection.) Rarely say "no".

      However once there has been an "emotional investment" or commitment established people reveal their "authentic selves".

      It turns out that they really don't have matching sexual libidos!

      Many people consider the hot/cold or "bait & switch" to be (normal) and this is exactly what they (expected) to happen!

      In fact they believe "real love" only starts when the passion dies.

      Sometimes (life) can be a factor such as stress on the job or responsibilities with children or extended family that "drain" the energy out a person so much that sex/romance isn't a thought.

      Age and health issues can also cause one to loose romantic interest. A decrease in testosterone levels in men or women going through menopause can have an effect on one's libido.

      Reaching out to doctors and medical professionals may help. Ultimately however one has to (want) to have passion restored.

      Last but not least "falling out of love" with one's mate or seeing them more as a "platonic friend" instead of as a lover can kill the romance. Sometimes things like weight gain or changes in one's physical appearance can cause people to lose interest in one another. Couples share so much time together they may lull themselves into a "comfort zone" where they feel they can put passion/romance/sex on the "backburner" and focus on other things. In other words it's no longer a priority.

      They're more or less (best friends)!

      Essentially they become "roommates with the same last name".

      The best advice I think is to never allow passion/romance to die.

      It's easier to maintain a fire than it is to reignite a spark!

      One man's opinion! :)


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