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13 Things Your Daughter-in-Law Won't Tell You

Updated on June 23, 2009

For the Daughters-in-Law

How Well Do You Get Along With Your Mother-in-Law?

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For the Mothers-in-Law

How Well Do You Get Along With Your Daughter-in-Law?

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My response to the May 2009 Reader's Digest Article, "13 Things Your Mother-in-Law Won't Tell You"

 First of all, the Reader's Digest article did open my eyes in some ways to how a mother-in-law might feel.  It made me understand mother-in-laws a little better and empathize more readily.  However, the article also made me feel like mother-in-laws are the innocent victims, while the new bride is someone evil who kidnaps their son and holds him captive.  While I'm sure mother-in-laws don't all feel this way, I want to present a very real side of a daughter-in-law. 

Both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are victims-- not of each other, but of time and nature and destiny  Yet both women stand to be blessed in some ways by the new circumstances.

Here's my response, from a daughter-in-law's heart:

1. Mother-in-Law: I spent a couple decades being the leading lady; now I have a character role.  It hurts to be downsized.

Daughter-in-Law: I have been waiting a couple decades to get this "big break".  I need to be leading lady to someone, too.  But you still do have an important role.  I know he loves his mother and that's how it should be.

2. Mother-in-Law: I know he's your husband now, but he's still my son.

Daughter-in-Law: I know he's your son, but he's my husband.  We chose each other, and we have to stick together now.  You are still his family, but I am the one he is building a new family with.

3. Mother-in-Law: You don't seem very confident about yourself.  The littlest comment from me is taken as a criticizm, so I'm very careful what I say around you.

Daughter-in-Law: Well, honestly I'm not very confident.  I've never been married before!!  And you're right, I'm sorry, sometimes I tend to twist what you say. 

4. Mother-in-Law: Every year I send you a birthday present, but you never even pick up the phone to thank me.  This year I said, "That's it.  No more."  Yet look at me: I'm about to send another present.  I guess that's how I am.

Daughter-in-Law:  I do say thank you.  I am thankful for any gift you give me. 

5. Mother-in-Law: We mothers say to our children, "I want you to be happy."  And we mean that.  What we don't say is, "But I would like to be happy, too."

Daughter-in-Law: We want YOU to be happy, but we would like to be happy, too.  You have a husband and other children.  We have each other, and we have to make our marriage grow.

6. Mother-in-Law: I've bought and sold 13 houses in my life.  Why won't you ask for my advice?

Daughter-in-Law:  Because we are learning things for ourselves.  And we DO ask you for advice, but ultimately we want to make our own decisions and not feel like you are judging everything we do by what YOU would do.

7. Mother-in-Law: When I come to visit you, I'm not coming for a white-glove inspection.  I'm just coming to see the family.

Daughter-in-Law: So, you're offended by the fact that I respect you enough to clean my house before you arrive?  Thank you for coming to see us.  I'm going to continue to try to make your visit more comfortable by cleaning my house.

8. Mother-in-Law: When I really want to talk to my son privately, I don't call your house.  I call his cell phone.

Daughter-in-Law: I'm honestly not sure what this means.  Why are you calling him privately anyway?  We are married, and secrets are not the best idea.

9. Mother-in-Law: I'm so happy that you allow my son--your husband--to visit me on Mother's Day.  It's a long trip and a big expense.  I'm truly appreciative.

Daughter-in-Law:  You're his mother!  I am not the big bad wolf.  Of course I want him to be able to visit his mother on Mother's Day!!

10. Mother-in-Law: My dirty little secret: I'm afraid if I don't get this right, you'll cut me off.

Daughter-in-Law: My dirty little secret: I'm afraid if I don't get this right, you won't respect me and my husband. 

11. Mother-in-Law: I'm in competition with your mother.  She takes you on vacation every year and buys you things I can't afford.  All I can do is love you and babysit for you.  I hope that's enough and that it's appreciated.

Daughter-in-Law: First of all, I don't know whose mother this is, but it's not mine.  My mother loves me and helps me whenever she can.  She sometimes buys me things she knows I will enjoy, but she cannot afford a lot either.  Sometimes I think you read into things too much.  I appreciate anything anyone gives me.

12. Mother-in-Law: Whenever I stay at your house, you always have my room ready, my towels, everything.  You do all the right things.  I'm lucky to have you!

Daughter-in-Law: You're welcome.  We love you, and want you to be as comfortable as possible.

13. Mother-in-Law: I cherish the refrigerator magnet you gave me; "Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill."

Daughter-in-Law:  What?  I gave that to you?  Those are kind of mean words.  I am not even sure what to say to that....


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    • caitlinlea profile image

      caitlinlea 3 years ago from Texas

      Thank you for your comment, Jodi Vail! I, too, have an autoimmune disease, so I definitely understand the terrible stress of dealing with that. Along with something so emotionally drawn out and draining as this, it must be very difficult, indeed. I am so sorry for your situation.

      First, the Bible says, "Be sure your sin will find you out." Even if it doesn't seem so now, the wrong that a person does will out, and it will bring them grief. I am sorry your son is tied up in it, but one day, she may realize the hurt she is causing and change. Even if not, I pray your son will see that sometimes you should shake the dust from your sandals when you've struggled to work positively in a situation for so very long.

      Also, I know from personal experience that many times you simply have to let things like this go. I DO NOT say this flippantly, or with the expectation that it will be easy at all. I KNOW it isn't. I am a mother, and I know that my child's well-being and happiness is one of my top priorities. But he is an adult. You cannot control him, even should you wish to. And you certainly can't control your daughter-in-law. It may be a day-by-day or even moment-by-moment process, but you will have greater peace-- and greater physical health as well-- if you can give this to God.

      I will be praying for you and your son, as well as your daughter-in-law, that God's best will be done for you all.

    • Jodi Vail profile image

      Jodi Vail 3 years ago from Waukesha, Wisconsin

      My Son is in the Marines, now just in the reserves after over 7 years. He met his wife right before his last deployment in Afghanistan, which thankfully he came home physically okay from. But I do think he bears many scars emotionally from what he had seen and endured during this last deployment. So, they got married in less than 2 years after meeting, mind you there was a few huge separation gaps with him being in the Marines and her being in another state. And after he was released she had to leave for a 6 week training period to become a flight attendant. They are barely even ever home at the same time and together. They are still getting to know one another. There is a huge communication breakdown thus only being by text. Even her own Mother picked up the phone and called me on Christmas to wish me a Merry Christmas which I thought was very nice of her. I don't get involved in their issues unless my Son comes to me, which I doubt he will do since I did stress my opinion of them getting married way too soon, and her being so much younger than he is and him wanting family right away. This was a promise to him which has been sort of a thing of hers. Many empty promises which is becoming a long list now. Now she is back going to school for aviation again and I'm afraid for him that they may be going in separate directions. He won't come to me though, only as a last resort if the marriage fails or something around those lines. I was texted by his wife that they would be going to California this year to visit with her Mother, that I knew last year which this year was a separation year. She has never treated me with the respect at all what so ever that a Mother In Law or as an elder should be treated from not too long after they got to Wisconsin, and I believe I was the first to be phased out because I picked up on this long ago! My Son works full time for the public school system, and they have been off since the Monday before Christmas. What I don't get is when I talked to her Mom, she said "I guess he wasn't able to get off of work." Now this is the last weekend of the month in which he does his duty for the Marines, so I don't know what had happened with that at all! He has not communicated with me, nor won't if they are having troubles. All I want is the best for him, and I just don't want to see him get hurt again! That's all. I have bit my tongue so hard through this whole thing, and kept my mouth shut and am just letting time take it's course. However, I am always blamed for everything and anything she can possible pull out of the air, which astounds me to no end! Always seeking apologies for things that never happened or took place at all. I have so many medical issues, that come first. I don't have the time for all of this drama. And I think others are surely figuring that one out as well. We did a little gift exchange through the mail this year and that was it. I marked it a year this past Thanksgiving since I've seen my Son and we live in the same town as one another. I never ever in my wildest dreams thought I would ever have been treated like this especially by my Son whom is pretty much being brain washed into thinking his own Mother is this bad person that did something that never even happened. I just have to let go and let God. This is wreaking havoc on my body having 3 auto immune diseases to deal with on top of other medical issues as well. I just hope nothing happens where there is no regret! God knows I don't want my Son living with that for the rest of his life. She seems to sooner or later burn many bridges when people seem to figure her out. So I'm not the only one here! She has made no effort to even meet this side of my Son's family at all. When they were at the 2013 Thanksgiving for only 1 hour (didn't even stay to eat! Which was a last minute thing that I didn't know of until they were leaving.) She never got up or socialized with anyone, everyone had to go by her, and she was very quiet and stuck hip to hip to my Son. I don't know what the future has in store for them. I just can't bear to see him get hurt again! And this just may throw him over the edge if something was to transpire. This deeply worries me of all of things that could happen. He has said to me so many times "Mom I don't want to be as old as Dad when I have kids! But I want to have my own kids and give you Grand Children" This was when he first met her. He will be 28, he wanted to start as soon as they got married. Now with her going to school to become a pilot now! I don't ever see that happening, and I think he highly in denial right now. I don't know what else to do, I don't pry and won't. I'm waiting for him to come to me some day. I pray for him every day! God willing hopefully in time he will come around sooner than later. When he left for basic training, he gave me a Mother's Ring. I want that Son back again. Or as close to that as possible. I know with the scars of war this has changed him, but not with the way he treats me. That's because of someone else, and is totally unfair for a Mother that was always there and basically raised him on her own, I was a full time working Mother, and couldn't count on support back then, it wasn't as strong as it is today. But my Son sure didn't go without because of it! I made sure of that! If only he could remember all I did for him to give him a good childhood, which he cannot deny. Isn't it something how this 1 person can just come in and take over and just ruin a love and relationship between and Mother and Son through lies and things made up just to cause this separation gap on purpose. I still can't make heads or tails of the whole thing to this day! I keep on keeping on, that's all I can do for now. I love my Son unconditionally and that will never change even with all that has happened. I'm the better person, never meddled, never will. I will just be here for him if he needs me. That's all. Thanks for listening, there ARE bad DIL's out there! I'm sure there are also good ones as well. I know I was a darn good one. And I was so hoping and it came so close with my Son and his ex Katie getting back together when all of sudden this one chased him down. Katie sure had a broken heart. But she was very respectful to me and very caring with compassion. But she was extremely beautiful and my Son said he didn't know if he could compete with that or not. But looking at her while she is getting older and more mature. She is not the wild young girl she once was. Too bad it didn't work out. Oh well, better end this now before I get to emotional again. It effects every fiber of my being when I do. DIL's be good to your MIL's when they are good to you. Please!

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      Anna 3 years ago

      I've known my DIL for more than 15 years now, and I continue to be blindsided by offending her by something I said, thinking it innocent. I can't even make casual conversation without her finding something to be offended about. My tongue is bleeding from constantly biting it! She recently called and read me the riot act because of some perceived sin on my part. If I had done that at her age, my husband would have come down on me like a ton of bricks, marched me over there to grovel at my MIL's feet asking for forgiveness. About to give up with this woman.

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      Helpless in MIL Land 4 years ago

      MN & Jess....Teardrops came as you agreed that the Ihate BeingDIL was very insensitive to say the least. I lost a son to illness at an early age, another is married now and converted to a new religion that does not allow many of our family traditions. The holidays are not as memorable or cheerful without some of those and all of the family, and my son trapsed all over out of love of his wife, he gave up a free college ride, got in debt for college, then married after graduation, and 3months later left for a foreign country that 9 months later was being bombed and I flew out to get them out of there, scared for them, they came home she finished 9 years of school, and landed a responsible job, he got promoted, they bought a house, and he was going on to finish his advanced degree when she got pregnant. While he is happy, it did stop his school. She favors her family and ours is not welcomed or encouraged. Anything said or done negatively in the past is brought forth, yet her parents mistakes are overlooked. I have the DIL who is bright but terrible as a DIL and my son wants to please her. The saving grace one day she will have a DIL. I feel I have lost 2 sons. It hurts and I cry. Yet I am constantly blamed for upsetting and forever pushed out of the picture. This woman and her family and her religion have ruined my life, I cannot believe any religion supports someone being like this or allows them to hide behind such a selfish veil of their own insecurity and still hold a position in it's ranks. It is not that I want them not to succeed I love them, but it is astonishing to me that any religion can teach that one group is better than another and not see how wrong that is in God's eyes. How immature it is to treat family so disrespectfully and be so closed to what a marriage is which is both families combining. It is goes beyond the bride to the other parents and their immaturity and it affects grandchildren, shame on all of them, for being such selfish people. Grow up everyone! Learn to love others, other than yourselves.

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      Shilpa 4 years ago

      Hey Very nice..Can I copy paste this on my blog?

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      CaumeageDDug 4 years ago

      Hello just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The words in your post seem to be running off the screen in Firefox. I'm not sure if this is a formatting issue or something to do with web browser compatibility but I figured I'd post to let you know. The design and style look great though! Hope you get the issue fixed soon. Kudos learn more

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      Deana 5 years ago

      I really hope to be close, but seem to have been shut out. My son has 5 children by other relationships. Married his Love and during a gathering it was mentioned my son has his own little community, and his grandmother mentioned him not needing anymore, and I agreed as for a couple years he'd mentioned being fixed. Not knowing their decision to have a child, and how deeply it meant to her. I have continually apologized and not been forgiven for what most of us considered a standing joke that was started by my son. It offended her enough, she apparently got very upset at my son, he told me she was upset, this grudge has lasted over 2 years, they recently had a child. my 6th grandchild and I'm screened from seeing pic's she posts on her Facebook. My son says I should be able to see them, and has said something, but she refuses to post where I can see pic's of my 4 wk old grandson. My mother lets me see and save them from her Fb.. How sad is that? Talk about heartache.

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      Nikki 5 years ago

      Reading some of these stories is really sad! I love my MIL. We annoy each other sometimes, but I honestly feel that we have a great relationship. The responsibility of building a good relationship is on BOTH parties. MILs and DILs need to put their egos away and find a common ground... you already have at least one built in... you both love one man (hopefully in different ways!). Get over yourselves and be friends.

      I'm not perfect, neither is my MIL. We've both learned that there have to be ground rules and mutual respect.

      BTW... before anyone comes back with other responses, I think it is important to say that my husband, kids and I lived in my MIL's house for a YEAR and all of our relationships came out stronger. So, yes, I do know what it takes to form a good relationship with a MIL.

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      jenjulia 5 years ago

      I don't know your situation or any of the other women who posted above, but sometimes I feel like we all (people in general) make judgements that drive us apart instead or bringing us together. Granted, there are people out there who do have troubles with anger,etc... But that can be helped with therapy and some good old fashioned kindness maybe? Maybe your sil is looking for some mothering he didn't get from his parents? Maybe I'm being too pollyanna-ish.

      My parents are not alcoholics but they are divorced. My Inlaws judged that fact against me before they took time to get to know me- I was really involved in school and church and had good grades. I never went to parties or drank in high school but for some reason they didn't like me from the first time I met them...I really don't think I ever had a chance an that hurts. I am guilty of having judged my in laws for their hurtful behavior and words in the past but they are my kids grandparents and my husbands parents- they are important people in their lives and that will never change.

      An observation that i have seen in my own life and other's is that When we assume that someone is different and we talk about them behind their backs-calling them names and questioning their mental stability, we are doing exactly what we tell our kids not to do or let others do. My sister-in-law actually has a diagnosed mental illness but after reading a lot about it, i feel empathy towards her and my Inlaws because Its not something someone chooses to struggle with. I was judgmental about her behavior in the past because I was hurt. I want to give her opportunities to bond with my kids because she's their aunt and she loves them too. Developing close relationships with others actually helps those with mental illness.

      I could give many examples of the things that were said and done to me by my Inlaws and sil but that helps no one. I figure that alot of times the hurtful things we say and do are because we are hurting. I'm sure there were things that I said or did that may have hurt them too. or perhaps mil had an idea of whom she wanted her kids to marry and because my parents were not as wealthy as them, i wasn't good enough.

      There's got to be some MILs out there that have some advice as to how to rebuild/build a stronger relationship with their Inlaws?

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      lc 5 years ago

      I am a MIL who has a most disagreeable SIL that remains manipulative along with his alcoholic mother who abandoned him and his father who has trouble controlling his temper as well! Keeping one's distance to avoid the "crazy encounters" is about the only healthy alternative even though the GC's and daughter should not have to endure such measures due to his socio/psycho/borderline dysfunctionalisms!!

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      jenjulia 5 years ago

      My husband and I have been together for 21 years, married for over 17 of them. I have spent many of those years sad and hurt over the fact that I have never been able to develop a better relationship with my MIL. The things that my MIL has said to my face about me I would never, ever say to her because I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. I respect and love my husband, so I hold my tongue even when it hurts.

      In her defense, she is the BEST grandma that our kids could ever have. I wish that my parents would be as caring, loving, and there for our kids as she is for them. She's an amazing cook and housekeeper. I could learn so much from her if she'd give me a chance and teach me more. I've tried to hint at that but she just dismisses me. My FIL's mother died when he was very young and he didn't have a step-mother until he was in H.S., so my MIL did not have a MIL who raised her husband. I think maybe that's part of why it's such a struggle to have a relationship with her.

      I just don't understand what I did wrong to make her dislike me so much. I was only 18 when I met him, we didn't have children until we'd been together for 8.5 years (married for 5 years). I quit college to work two jobs to pay for our wedding. My husband says that if it wasn't for me he wouldn't have graduated from college, gotten a master's degree or done so well in his career. I have a master's degree and I put my career on hold so that he could travel for work and climb the ladder- I stayed home with the kids. He has lived the career life that I once dreamed of having and maybe someday will. When he told me he wanted to move home (9 hours away) to take over the family business, I supported his decision- even though we had agreed that we weren't going to do that. My IL's see him almost everyday- they live 30 miles away. Today he's not out there working on our business, he's putting the doors back on their house (they were painted), helping lay carpet on the stairs in their garage and doing other stuff for my MIL. I think I encourage him to spend time helping them and he does because he's thanking them for the things they've done for us.

      I would really love to have a better relationship with her and I wish that more MIL's would write ideas on this board to give us DIL's help in building a better relationship. Why is it so hard to build a relationship with her? What can I do to show her I appreciate her. I'm guilty of thanking her for the gifts she's given to me in person but not with a thank you card- would that help? I thank her for helping watch our kids when we go on business trips by buying an appreciation gift and card-last time it was a 42" tv, I've bought gift cards for the garden/nursery shop, manicures, ec.... We put their family first for holidays since my husband's sister lives a long ways away and I don't want them to feel like they are alone but we don't invite them over for dinner- but they don't either. Would that help?

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      korenna 5 years ago

      My son has just moved in with his girlfriend. In six years I've seen her five times and she lives only a couple of suburbs away. Hopefully there's still time for his to see through her. Although her family bought her house and car, my son will make millions when he finishes studying. It's not much of a trade.

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      Leone 5 years ago

      My son is a married man now and needs to nurture and cherish his relationship with his wife so he and she can have an awesome life dedicated to each other and their children. I know what it's like to have interfering, controlling in-laws and I will NOT do that. Plus, I'm very fortunate to have a DIL who is totally in love with my son and is a wonderful, caring mother. What more could I want? Perhaps I could wish for a SIL who would treat my daughter the way my DIL treats my son. And I do see my SIL's mother (my daughter's MIL) pushing and nagging my daughter to treat her son like a king, when he actually deserves to be treated like the craphead he is. Staying out of THAT issue is a bit more complicated, but I do a pretty good job. And he is getting better, so there's hope!

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      Cheryl 5 years ago

      LOVE number eight!! MY MIL never calls the house phone anymore, as a matter of fact, she never calls me, but is upset when I don't call her weekly.

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      Season 5 years ago

      This made me smile and shake my head,lol.I am a MIL now but remember what is was like to be a young DIL.These examples of MIL/DIL thoughts are common among otherwise *reasonable people*in other roles and relationships.MIL/DIL a like.Remembering what it was like to be a DIL, I try to avoid actions or words that may hurt,anger or be twisted by my DIL(and that could be as simple as saying the sky is blue or because I don't watch the reality shows like Jersey Shore or Kardashian's.I have better things to focus on but I don't say that to DIL).I have no problem passing the torch of being leading lady, because honestly?I have a life of my own to live and enjoy that freedom. And feel relief my leading lady days are over.

      There are some DIL's with controlling,trifling,hurtful MIL's.I experienced it myself but now I can look back and fully see how some of my own actions,behaviors and words were not so wonderful either.Even though there was a power struggle with my MIL at times? I never begrudged my husband of spending time with his family.If I did not feel like visiting I stayed home while my husband and kids visited.It was a break for me and time my husband could spend with his parents alone which is still important as long as you put your spouse and children first.I visited,spent time,some holidays,etc at his parents and also invited them for weekends now and then.

      Women today don't take on the family relationship management women of the past did.Being a youngish MIL in her late 40's I understand a young grown son/husband should manage his own relationships with his Mother or other family members.His wife should not have to wait on him hand and foot,remember all occasions for him,etc.

      We women are more independent now.That is a very good thing.

      However,what is not so great is the fact there is a lacking of respect for one's parents,Grand-parents,etc.Family history is not as valued and some off the younger generation expects too much in the way of financial help,etc.The boomers and my generation(early gen x)set the stage for it though.We coddled our children too much,rewarded them for existing,wasn't firm enough in most families with some exception.Now, there is a different dynamic this hub doesn't touch.

      We now have a generation were a lot of young married's and young parents really only want their families of birth to be there when they need something that is to their benefit.There are less invites to dinner(or none at all),no offers to come visit their homes or desire to visit the older generations homes.Shallow values prevail,young men and women who alienate themselves from their birth families completely is becoming the norm.

      Toxic family members should be avoided but I'm talking about decent people and families going through this.This young generation will go through it as well as their children will see that as the norm through their parents own actions or inaction.There are exceptions but this is so prevalent today it's hard to ignore it.Today's DIL's are tomorrow's MIL's.They are now setting the example to their children of how to treat ones extended family.

      Jennifer,I don't know if you will ever read this but STOP giving to your son and his family.Let them provide for themselves or fall on their faces.I know it is hard but you will be doing not only yourself but also THEM a huge favor.Go enjoy YOUR life.Do things that make YOU happy and let your son manage his own family.He chose it,helped make a family of his own,let HIM be 110% responsible for that.I understand there are Grand children involved but the more of your own life you live, the less cowtowing you'll be doing.Your DIL will be doing some cowtowing of her own in a few years:).Let go of the hurt and make positive changes in your life that benefit you and give you a true feeling of happiness and contentment outside of your son's family.

      I feel for you.I know it hurts but you CAN move beyond it.

      To those DIL/MIL's who can manage a good relationship together,good boundaries, my applause to you.That is a true gift to yourselves, your husband's/son's and Grand children.A loving family unit AND a loving extended family gives a child a true sense of belonging,roots,valuable life lessons learned from one generation to another and the security of unconditional love from many in life.That is priceless.And is sorely lacking in today's society.

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      Jennifer 5 years ago

      About every six months, my daughter-in-law finds some reason to have a "falling out" with me. I adore my grandson (son's and DIL child) and have, in the past, "made nice" so I could keep seeing this dear little boy. During the last blow-up between us, many unkind things were said by both parties and it has been a month since I have seen or spoken to anyone in that family. Needless to say, I miss my grandson, and another baby will be born in three months and frankly, I suspect that I won't be involved in any of that. I am hurt and humiliated. They live on property I have given them, sit on furniture I have given them, lay their child down on a room that I have basically furnished, and yet, I am expected to cowtow to this young woman. I am incredibly hurt but at the same time, angry, and have just about decided that the term "estranged" is the one I will use when referring to that family. I am so saddened by all of this and really never suspected that anything like this would happen.

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      Jennifer 5 years ago

      About every six months, my daughter-in-law finds some reason to have a "falling out" with me. I adore my grandson (son's and DIL child) and have, in the past, "made nice" so I could keep seeing this dear little boy. During the last blow-up between us, many unkind things were said by both parties and it has been a month since I have seen or spoken to anyone in that family. Needless to say, I miss my grandson, and another baby will be born in three months and frankly, I suspect that I won't be involved in any of that. I am hurt and humiliated. They live on property I have given them, sit on furniture I have given them, lay their child down on a room that I have basically furnished, and yet, I am expected to cowtow to this young woman. I am incredibly hurt but at the same time, angry, and have just about decided that the term "estranged" is the one I will use when referring to that family. I am so saddened by all of this and really never suspected that anything like this would happen.

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      moonlake 5 years ago from America

      Good hub. I think you will get lots more comments on this hub. Voted UP ...

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      Cynthia 5 years ago from Vancouver Island, Canada

      Great hub Caitlinlea... I'm hoping that some of the commentors have picked up on the more positive perspectives and made choices to make some changes in their relationships to their respective inlaws. It is interesting to note that almost 60% of the MILs who responded to your survey (to date)indicated that they didn't get along well, or horribly, with their DILs. That's pretty shocking to me. Voted up and am tweeting!

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      Dezz 5 years ago

      The question I am sure EVERYONE wants to know is..."Isn't there some/anything we MILs can do to make things better to get along…in other words, how do we make it right (IF completely excluding isn't/shouldn't be an option)? Perhaps I should only speak on my own behalf, however, all we MILS want to do is to be able to love freely and share in your lives (just a little). The joy and reward for any MIL (unless they're crazy) is to be included as I'm sure it would be if it were the other way around – we would like to grow our memories too. We are getting older and life would be SO much better if we could (and I can only speak for myself but I would only) ask for a small amount of time (a couple hours per week or every other week even – maybe once per month) to see and enjoy the grandchildren (I would even settle for one hour per week-I think). The weirdest thing for me has been that my MIL and I get on perfectly and I assumed it would be that way with me and my DIL. I must admit I have been wrong and experienced false expectations to assume that my DIL and I would be just like me and MIL (loving, caring, sharing, inclusions)…I have to admit that I was gullible here (shame on me) as I have experienced quite the contrary to this. I think I got off on the wrong foot and kept trying to make it better but it got progressively the point where my son doesn't speak to me nor do I have any contact with him and my little grandbabies (I have a 2-month old grandson and have yet to see him-I live 30 minutes away). I didn’t know the answers to the test. At first I was thinking (and my son kept saying) the differences are cultural (we are from America and she is from Australia). Well, the more I read the blogging her (and other blogs on the internet), I am finding that this is prevalent – no matter what the cultural differences are - what a shame! Everyone loses out, the DIL, the MIL, the son, the son’s family, the DILs family and more importantly, the grandchildren and the family connections. I am thinking the marriage will lose out too (guess I was gullible to think that DIL would want to make her husband happy by knowing there should be “some” family ties). I do realise that everyone is raised differently, however, I was thinking that the common ground of “family” would be strong enough – again, I’m wrong here. After all (and it’s just me thinking this and I stand be corrected) but weren’t the men you (DILs) fell in love with “raised/influenced” by these same MIL you come to despise? She/We/I raised him to be a loving man, husband and father just for “you” (DILs) (and what a gift!). Guess I’m saying that we feel like you DILs reaped the benefit of this wonderful man and now because you have the authority to just cut us off you do just that. This makes us feel disrespected, unappreciated and unloved. I was thinking that simple respect should play a part in this – am I too naïve? Respect for your husband’s mother (after all, she gave birth to him which ultimately gave birth to your marriage and gave birth to your children). Is this too much to ask (no pun intended – just wanting to get to a better solution and compromise). Aren’t there others in your life you learn to tolerate out of respect? I am sure we MILs have no intention of making your lives miserable (although there are a few of “them” out there – I am not one of them). DILs, have you thought about setting up rules and pointing out our flaws on the spot so we can learn how to be better at being a good MIL to you…sort of like teaching us how to be with you as your mothers have taught you)? We/I REALLY don’t want to pose a threat and we REALLY do want to try so please, please help us. My honest and humble enquiry to you is, what can we/I do to see/be included in your lives? Love, Dezz

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      Christy 5 years ago

      Hi, I have a monster in law, & a step sneaky monster inlaw. I never get included in anything til last minute. I don't get called for anything they call my husband. When Christmas comes my husbands mom gets gifts for him & my kids but never me, She Loves making me sit & watch everyone in the family open them in front of me. If she sends things it will say Brian & family but when you open it, it says Brian on the inside her little trick she loves doing. He never sees a problem. His step mom one year asked myself & my kids what we wanted for christmas & everything we told her she gave it to my husbands twin sister & her kids in front of us. My father just pastaway Fri & nobody in my husbands family has sent a card flowers or even called to say anything thing. His grandmal called me & asked me the day he passed & her words were WHO DIED? So, tell me am I crazy or do these people hate me? I feel like I'm in a bad dream.;(

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      Jblackburn0080 5 years ago

      Ok first of all, I am a DIL.. and my MIL comes off as very intruding. Her son, is her "baby" because he is her last child, and I understand that he's her baby.. and let them have their relationship. It's one thing to love your son, but to expect him to do for you what he did before he was married is intruding. He is still your son, but it's annoying when you try to make everything still about you. It's not all about you anymore, it's my time now! Except it! He's my husband.. and he is going to take care of our family.. not you all the time. It is still all about her.. in her mind. We don't have the money to go on the trips you want us to go on. Yes, it's nice that you have helped us out. But please don't **expect** anything. That's all i'm saying. Yes, I do want a good relationship with my MIL.. yes I want her to still have a relationship with my husband.. but please stop with the whining.. it's not going to make anything better. Pulling the "poor pitiful me" is annoying. I have a son now.. and he is my only child.. but I am not going to expect him to always do stuff for me.. or always be there for me.. because I understand he will have another family besides me one day.

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      Rob 5 years ago

      It really grinds my gears to hear MIL's complain about how we should open the door to communication. You MIL's have lived how much longer than us? You are supposed to be the more mature ones and yet some of you are a bunch of whiney negative nancy's who don't really give a sh** about having a relationship. You just want to b**ch about everything that is "wrong" with us so you don't have to take any personal responsbility for your own actions (and general pessimism).

      These types make me sick!!! Thank god, not everyone is this demented. I have been in both positions. I have been in relationships where I absolutely adored my mate's mom and I been in relationships where the mom is a complete narcissistic lunatic who believes I need to kiss her a** all the time because she's too insecure and lonely to live life.

      Realize this: It's not our job to make you feel good 24/7. We don't control how you feel... that responsibility falls upon YOU. If you never learned that fact then I'm glad that your reading this because you deserve to happiness! If never learned this and don't continue reading with an open mind then expect that life will be miserable for all eternity because life is what YOU make it!

      No one else is living for you! No one else is living for me! Not even your son and not even my husband because he's busy living for himself like I live for myself. If you want to feel happy then learn to toughen up up that thin skin and take matters that you feel passionate about into your own hands instead of sitting back being passive agreesive over the internet b**ching about how you don't have this wonderful relationship with your DIL! You don't have a wonderful relationship with her because you are too busy complaining over the internet to random strangers to care about TALKING TO HER. GEEEEZZZZZ, it's no wonder you don't have a freaking relationship! And for those of you who are reading this saying, "Oh Balony." Well I got a little nugget of balony right here: I learned at 20 what the key to happiness is and your still struggling at 40+... maybe if you weren't so busy complaining all the time you would have learned like I did. BUT NO... you twisted MIL's just want to sit around making things worse. GOD JOB!! Mission accomplished.

      FACT: You are the only one who can live your life. If you don't like your situation then you have a mouth, you have eyes, you have hands, you have legs, and those things can work to get you what you want! If you don't choose to use them then that's your problem!!

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      Confused MIL 6 years ago

      my DIL of 14 years has been nothing but kind and loving although my once loving son has often been nasty to me. I now feel that whilst she definitely loves me as a MIL, she had through the years been 'making him up' against me in very sweet subtle ways. She does it in such a way that he is always convinced that she is right. I have a feeling that she is secretly jealous of me because in my son's eyes, me and his sister have always been exceptionally good and talented women. She comes from a family who do not have 'order' in their lives but she 'sells' them to my son so that according to him, me and his father are now 'uptight'! I lately feel a lot of resentment towards her because of his many nasty 'put downs' of me.

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      caza 6 years ago

      I too was a mil and have been through one of the worst experiences ever with my dil. from the very start of her relationship with my son it was just like a brick wall had come down between us. and as much as i tried to have some kind of friendship it just didn't happen. it hurt my son so much when she would try to stop him from seeing us and made us so sad. they had a little son and she wouldn't let him see us very much. no matter what we did it was always wrong. we couldn't do anything right. eventually it upset our son so much that he left her. the trouble is that i think the dil's see the mil's as the other woman. and we are NOT. if i can explain it this way, imagine that the marriage is a building block, and the foundations are the respective mothers and fathers on both sides. when a couple marry and one of them kicks the foundations out from under their building block then the building is going to fall. to make your husband happy learn to have a friendship with his mother, he will be a very happy man and the marriage will last. oh by the way, i looked after my mil until she died at 94 and we were the best of friends, it made my husband very happy and she treat me like her own daughter which she never had. i call that be more mature, we have been married now for 45 years. DON'T TREAT YOUR MIL LIKE SHE IS THE OTHER WOMAN BE HER FRIEND.

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      MILonstrike 6 years ago

      I have the true dil from hell. First...she was 17 and my son 19 when they met. Im a single mom...and he is my first born son. My first introduction to 17...was going outdoors early one morning and seeing her car in my driveway. I was angry with them both...made her leavr and reprimanded my son for his lack of respect for her AND me. And reprimanded her for lack of respect for herself. Informed them it was my home. As single mom, never brought a man home in 12 certainly wasn't ok for son to bring girl to a home supported solely by me. Never happened again, but never saw my son much either after that because he just stayed at her house, WITH her mom's approval! soooo....that was my first clue her mother and I were not on the same page...and something would ensue. Anyhow, dil was nearing 18. Her father had passed away when she was 10. And he raised her until death, then she had to live with mom. After his death, mom received social security checks for dil. So just before 18th birthday, her mom kicked her from home. Saying she couldn't afford to take care of her anymore. She was moving to another state to live with her sister without her daughter. So...going against my beliefs...i felt sorry for her, and let her and son stay with me with a few rules. #1 rule was to stay focused on $200/month rent just to teach responsibility, save money to eventually get on own...and MOST important...don't get pregnant. Understanding if that happens...then on your own...the both of them. If can handle having a baby...then you better handle being able to take care of self on own first. your told 1 month later they are pregnant. I gave them 30 days to find their own place. She was appalled i was serious. My son was not shocked, he knee i meant it. Well...her mom hadn't left yet, and she was immensely happy her not even yet 18 yr old was having a baby! Offered her home to my son and her daughter...which just for the second time undid what i felt they will need to learn fast for their childs sake! Oh....whith my son paying half her rent and bills of course! I neber turned my back on them, my son and i remained close even thru all of this. He knows im tough mom...but he knows its out of love. So anyhow...many little things have happened these last many months during pregnancy causing spats between dil and myself. But the final straw....the baby was born 3 days ago! Beautiful little boy...i will love no matter what. But i have stayed away. son called and said....her mom is leaving soon...come see uour new grandson so you will have a moment alone. Grandbabys name is son wanted to call him JD. My other children already nicknamed him monkey or little monkey months ago. Just something endearing for them as aunts and uncles. Was not my idea, but theirs and i as well as my oldest son thought it was cute. We talked about that name for months....dil included. Well...her mom's own insecurity of their relationship i guess got wind i was coming and decided to stay. So i got no real moment. I went into room to see my 1 day old monkey....he is perfect by the way, and dil was holding him. I asked how she was...told her i was proud of her and my son, baby was beautiful, etc...and no one ever offered him to me after many minutes. Finally, i said...ok, enough, gimme the lil' stinker. She handed him to eyes welled...and i said in baby talk...look at Nanas little Monkey! Well...instantly my dil's mom said excuse me, we will NOT be giving him nicknames. His name is James, and thats what he is to be called. I laughed cause i seriously thought she was teasing at first. Then i said...aww...the kids named him little monkey before he was even born. Im afraid its already stuck. She said well then you better unstick it. Because no nicknames. I don't like them, and i've already told your son he isn't to call him JD either. Well, i gave her the evil "dare me" look...she didn't say anymore then...and i wasn't going to create a worse scene and my newborn grandbabys first union with me. But my son walked me to my car after each of my other children took a few moments to hold him and take pictures. I told him, guys better get your own place real soon if you ever want to be that babys father. Second, you better grab hold of your hoohas and politely remind that woman that YOU are his parent, not her, and she might want to know her place before someone, meaning me...sits her in her place. So my son and i talked...he wants out...but anyhow. The next morning i the bigger person and offer an olive branch. So i called the dil. Said, i am sorry if i upset your mom with the nic-name (the same nicname dil thought was so cute the month before), and that maybe she misunderstood. We didn't mean it offensively...its my grandbaby afterall...and it was just the opposite. Endearing and special to us. The dil then proceeded to tell me ....i am very protective of my son, who is not a monkey and will not be called one. It was a funny joke at his expense, but its not funny anymore, and he will be called by the name i gave him. ....well...i just said...alrighty...and this is precisely why i tried to make you two grow up. Your still too immature to have a mind of your own and not act like a 12 year old brat not getting her way...but i don't blame you....i blame the woman who failed to teach you. Hung up the phone, called my son and told him i loved him and that prescious baby very much. I hope he remembers what i taught by love unconditionally and to protect his child at all cost. That i had to step back...and i hoped that didn't mean stepping out. But this is a battle i cannot win...and fighting fiercely would only damage my son and his new son. My son knows and feels the same as me...but he is also stuck in a bad position. To remain in his new babys life....he has no choice, and i know this. He does need to stand up to them both...but he does love the hopefully she loves him enough to understand. But unfortunately for my son, i think she is just too immature to really love like that. I dont believe she loves my son at all. But as a mother who also thinks you learn best by your mistakes...i must let him now pay his consequences. Unfortunately for me, that 5 minutes i had with my little monkey could possibly be my last...and he and i may not get the chance to know one another....and even more unfortunate for my son and our little monkey....i feel they will be part of the statistics of broken home and father who has to fight for 18 years to just have even the slightest relationship with his son. Its a battle that cant be won. Im so heartbroke for myself, my son little monkey.

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      looktofuture 6 years ago

      My son married two years ago to a lovely girl, I am her father-in-law. I have to say she just cant seem to let her guard down with my wife. My wife would like a closer relationship with her but it is not to be at the moment. My advice on this MIL/DIL situation is just to be there for my wife and son and daughter-in-law. I remember my wife's hesitant relationship with my mother in our younger years, it takes time for all to get settled. I just hope my daughter-in-law can let her defenses down and come to feel comfortable with my wife and myself before its too late.

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      a new mother in law 6 years ago

      to all you daughter in laws. if you want to be the perfect woman, don't have kids or you will too someday be a mother in law! and if you have a son, beware....your daughter in law will steal him from you. and you'll be surprised how its not fun when someone takes your son and doesn't let you have a relationship with him anymore.

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      the winner 6 years ago

      I have always been a nice, caring person, however, it has changed after becoming a new daughter in law. My mother in law is okay, but the problem is that she always tries to WIN. We have never had a verbal argument, but there exists unspoken, psychological war between us, and it makes me angry when she still tries to WIN. When I say WIN, i am sure most daughter in law and mother in law understand what i mean. We will be more willing to help you and spend time with you, if you would please stop doing this.

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      getagripMILs 6 years ago

      For all of you mother in laws complaining about how your daughter in laws don't invite you over for events, why isn't your son doing it? He is just as capable. Instead, you want to blame the daughter in laws for them wanting to be close to their own mothers. That is not her job to make sure her husband is making you feel like you're needed. If it is a huge events, that's a-different story. A mother's role and lasting impression in a daughters life and sons life are completely different. Your son does not see you as his caretaker and provider from the moment he starts dating. His role as a caretaker and provider kick in at this time. Growing up dauhter in laws know that one day they are going to have to deal with mother in laws. Mother in laws have serious issues about "letting their baby go". News flash, he hasn't been your baby since he's been in diapers. He's been developing into a man since day 1. Getting your digs in with your sons wife will only push you away from both of them. He didn't choose you as a mom, but he chose his wife. Even if he doesn't stick up for her and just let's yoy get your little digs in, its pushing him away. He is starting a new family. You don't need to return the favors that your own mother in laws did to you. Who won? You as the daughter in law.

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      DILinNeed 6 years ago

      My mother-in-law and my grandmother-in-law are both driving me insane! I have been kind to them and have bitten my tongue numerous times in order to deflect drama. It does no good! We live in a separate apartment below my MIL and we have no privacy what-so-ever! We recently had a baby so she thinks she can come down whenever she wants without calling first simply because she thinks she is always right. I try soo hard to get along with her, but it's hard when she doesn't give me any respect. I understand she loves her son and her grandson and don't care that she wants to be involved in our lives, but I also have beliefs and ways that I want to instill in my son that aren't the same as hers. I have wanted to be a mother for a long time and I may not do everything perfect, but I think I deserve enough respect to do it my way, because she already raised her kids. She and my grandmother-in-law are in complete denial about the fact that my husband is not a child anymore...for heaven's sake HE HAS A CHILD OF HIS OWN. They both pry and make it their responsibility to get involved in every aspect of our lives. They refuse to let he and I make decisions as a family, especially him. His mom expects him to cater to her every need, as if she is WAY more important than me. They act as if I am "out to get" him and they have to be his shield. I would not be with him if my intentions were to hurt him. I love him. I just wish they would back up and give us a little room to grow. They will call him back to back to back if he is busy or even working, as if he has to report his every move to them. Then they will gossip about our lives and afterwards use those conversations as leverage against us later. By the time we actually get to discuss these issues as a family, he is sooo stressed out by the pair he completely shuts me out. I feel hopeless in this situation. I just want them to realize just because he loves me it does not mean that he has any less love for either of them. Sometimes I get so worried that they are going to tear our relationship to shreds that I fear the worst. Why can't they just let him make his own decisions, and if he messes what? You live so that you can learn...that's what mistakes are for. They tell him that they "love" me and all this stuff, but if that is true why does it seem as if they think I am going to do a sneak attack and run off and leave him and disappear with our son??? Oh and another thing is that the GMIL does the same thing to the MIL...she is the root of this problem in my opinion. She never gave her kids credit for anything and I believe she has this control issue to where she has to control everyone's lives around her or else she'll explode! She says that my family and his family are from "two different backgrounds" What does that even mean?? We are not that different. He had a single mom most of his life, and I had a single Dad...My dad worked his butt off to provide for us, and although we had our rough patches, they only made us closer. I believe his family had the same issues, but instead of working for things...his mom was given things from her parents. They never let her grow up, because they always had that control over her...she needed something and they did it (and still do.) My dad taught us to do things for ourselves. I wouldn't trade my family for anything!!! I just want them to accept me for who I am and quit trying to control me...and stop controlling my husband!! We are adults with a family, and we want to be treated as such!!!! What should I do to make them back off????????

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      Flora 6 years ago

      I didn't read all the posts, so if someone (a MIL) has already posted this... I agree!

      Truth be told. I'm terrified that I'll do something wrong that could potentially cause a rift between my son and Daughter (in law). My Son loves her so very much, and I trust my Son's judgement implicitly. They are a great match and I'm so glad they found each other.

      Because of my fear my Daughter (in law) probably thinks I don't care... truth is, I care so much that I do everything I can to not hurt or offend her and I probably come across as aloof.

      Just some of a loving MIL's thoughts.

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      Kimmyb 6 years ago

      I believe that Mothers need to know what their role is as life evolves. When their son gets married he becomes something else: Husband, provider, father. His mothers role is so important but it has changed to "The Supporter" of her sons choices. What is the goal as we raise our sons? To be sucessful, a good husband, that is a provider for his family, remember? So when he does embracing his new wife is the best way to show love and encouragement to your son. It really is that simple. Don't exclude your DIL. If you do, you are excluding your own son and shooting yourself in the foot isn't a good idea. Be selfish and embrace your DIL is a sure way to your sons heart & DIL trust. Once that happens you will get the one on one lunches you used to have with your son without any disagreements because you honored the marriage. :-)

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      nycgrl 6 years ago from New York

      What makes me mad about awful mother in laws is the fact that they forget they were once a new bride themselves. And usually grandma was even WORSE than they are but yet once they have their little boy its like no woman is ever good enough. For all of you complaining, I have to question how true the stuff you are saying is. I have seen too many mamas boys to really believe you.

      And by the way thank you for making your sons into mamas boys in the first place. My generation that is out there dating them thanks you oh so freakin much!

      And if your daughter in law is really that terrible then ask yourself why your son chose her. Yea, men tend to go for women who are like their mothers. And if she is nothing like you, then you raised such a mamas boy whose so insecure that he chose a terrible mate.

      Seriously, the cord gets cut off at birth not 35!

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      karycter 6 years ago from Northern California

      I have two wonderful mother in laws as my husband has a step-mom. While both women are amazing, and I am very, very lucky, I'd be lying if I said the relationship was easy. I'd like to share my perspective as a daughter in law, as I have no ability to relate to being a mother in law, though I can imagine it must be tough. Relationships between women are often difficult, but it is so much more difficult when both women are linked to each other because of a different person: the son/husband. Both women deeply love this man in different ways and they both know how much the man loves the other woman (mother or wife.) Not only do they have the difficulty of developing a relationship with someone, but there is tremendous capacity for fear involved. What if I do something wrong and my son/husband sides with her? For the wife: am I number one to him? Will he protect our relationship? What if I see dysfunctional behavior in him that he learned from his family...will he be willing to grow or will he side with his upbringing? (That is not a criticism of how he was family is perfect!) For the mother-in-law: Have I been replaced? Will my son pay less attention to me? How do I say how I really feel without making him/them mad? In general, one of the biggest things is communication. These women both prize their relationship with this man and in turn want to get along with the wife/mother that he loves. Fear of hurting feelings runs strong. Or disrespect. It is hard to find a balance. Women, think of your relationship with your own mother? If it is a good one, how many years, tears, huge amounts of work, effort, communication, resolving conflict did it take for that relationship to be what it is today? Relationships between older and younger women that are forced to be close can be VERY, VERY difficult. Just give it time. Don't take everything so personally. I know your love for your husband/son makes you want to take it all so seriously, but it only increases the pressure, turning mole hills into mountains. Be gentle, be honest, forgive, forgive, forgive. Allow time to bring you closer together. Allow time to help you get to know one another. Don't expect to be close right away. Be polite, be patient, always try to resolve conflict as kindly as possible, and let time turn you into friends. You shouldn't expect it all at once.

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      Mrs. J. B. 6 years ago from Southern California

      My mother in law is what I call a P. I. T. A. She drives me absolutely bonkers with all her crap. I just ignore her now and have nothing to do with my husband's family

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      faye 6 years ago

      on facebook they have like if you love your son's and daughter's. I love my dl. The computer brought me to this page. this is a sad page. dl love your mother's in love. Mother love your daughter's you don't have to like her, just love her. Daughter's you would not like it if your husband did not love or like your mother and kept your family away from her, did not let you are your children visit her.

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      Zoey 6 years ago from South England

      Great Hub, voted up :)

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      Cannot Tell 6 years ago

      I only wish after 9 years, my MIL and SIL would make me feel a part of the family. I have cried, been angry, and have been let down. I don't think my children are very accepted, even though my husband adopted them. I think they wanted for my husband to marry someone who has been "untouched"....I am a very good person, and am really lucky that my family goes out of there way to make him feel comfortable...It is sad really, for people to be so small minded. When my children meet his family they were small, they wanted to be loved like every one else! To bad they are getting old enough that you didn't take time to bond up with them!!!!! You all missed out!

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      jai 7 years ago

      all son are big bad and ugly enough to make there own choices. so for you mil out there it is his choice... maybe you did not bring them up well enough to stand on there own two feet and now he has found someone much younger, prettier and firmer than you to take care of him..... she can also give him extra benefits. face it Your sons are either not man enough or simply does not love or respect you the way you thought he did. This mil are your own fault for doing evry thing for them and treating them like babies there whole lives. I have a wonderful relationship with my partners family. so all you mil with sons whose balls have fallen off. you made your bed lie in it!!!!!!!

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      Janice 7 years ago

      I did read your original comment. I also visited the website. I only intended to ask for a couple of examples of her behavior. I don't mean to come off as rude, but the lady can't help her family life. As far as her showing mental illness signs, maybe instead of talking to your son (if you think he would become defensive), you should talk to your dil and tell her you would like to try family counseling. Then explain to the counselor privately what you suspect is going on with her. I'm not sure if this is the best advice for your family or not, but I hope it was helpful.

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      SMIL 7 years ago

      Janice read my original comment. go to the web sites I listed. She is classic case of the above sites. Satisfied meaning after 20 yrs she has been finally been identified. In UTERO she never had a chance necer mind as a toddler,teen and even who she could NOT invite to her wedding! Parental abandonment! Specifically, it would take 5 pages both sides, of written script.

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      Janice 7 years ago

      @ Satisfied MIL: what does she do specifically? I was just wondering. Thank you.

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      Satisfied MIL 7 years ago

      To INDEED. That's not what I said, of course all DIL's don't have DISORDER issues NO more than MIL's have them. Your issues are quite different than ours. Have you told your inlaws how you feel? I agree with you!

      In general women are vain by nature and YOUNG woman hear all of their lives about the evil MIL they will have one day! That needs to stop. There-in lies a big part of the problem in this country! Yes, I agree that there are MIL'S who care about outdated things and have foolish ego's and can be intimdating to a young woman, however, there are some of us are are thrilled that another women, and another family loves our son and is good to them.

      99% of us don't look at marriage as "we're losing our son" we're thrilled that they have found a loving mate, and we're smart enough to know it's the natural progression of life! I've been on both sides of this issue and I don't lie. God knows my heart and that's really all that matters to me as far as lieing goes. My husband, only 1 month after our marriage, when I took offense over what his sister said to me about my spending alot for a bag of potatoes nipped potential future family issues in the bud! I was 21 yrs old and obvioulsy thought I knew it all like most 21 yr olds do. He stopped me and said: she's trying to help you! Don't talk about my family to which I replied, oh, you can but I can't???? He said: you've got THAT right! I would guess, but I don't recall that I must have been in a "snit" for a while, but years later when I thought of that day I realized that he taught me a valuable lesson. If he loved his family that much, I knew I had found a good man and that he would love me the same way. We've been married 51 yrs. Age begets wisdom Ms Indeed! OUR daughter-in-law has serious un-resolved childhood issues with her mother. A child can have their needs met such as food, shelter and clothing, but without a mother's touch of love they have NOTHING! The name for them in my day was ORPHANS!

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      adaughterinlaw 7 years ago

      I don't think blame can be assigned to a specific role in these situations. In some situations, it's the mil's fault for the bad relationship, and it's the dil in some cases. In my situation, I have tried everything to get along with my inlaws. But it never works. My mil is extremely jealous of me, and it's obvious. She treats my husband like he's 12. My inlaws have a way of making me feel like the lowest person in the world, but I'm done. They barely even speak to me when I'm around them.I hate that our relationship is so bad. I'm the last person that should give advice on this subject, but here is what I think should happen:

      Mils:don't criticize, show interest in the woman your son chose to marry, and stay out of their marriage.

      Dils:treat your inlaws with respect and kindness, don't let them treat you badly just because they are older, and work hard to keep your marriage healthy.

      @truthbetold:I completely agree.

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      Indeed 7 years ago

      To the aboved, I wouldn't say all DIL's have mental issues just because they dislike you. I dislike my Inlaws and I have no issues. You need to realize that some DIL's dislikes come from a deeper place, deeper than intrusiveness and criticsm. I am no racist and my Inlaws are. My husband Is my FIL's only Step child. My husband is part asian decent. How can you be a racist with a mixed race child, or teach his brother and sisters to be one. My FIL's 5 year old son said "Obama should be shot", I asked why and he replied "because he's black". How can I bring my daughter around that? I wont.

      He believes a womans place is in the kitchen, he is far right winged but has crazy theories about the government, he believes my religion is not a real one, he makes fun of the organic lifestyle we try to live and will not enforce it when I'd let them watch my child. My husband is the only intelligent child to come from that family and that's because he lived 12 years without the influence of this person. His children are rude, uneducated, babies you've had babies. Why would I ever be okay with that. Just because that is my husbands family, does not make them mine. I believe I am completely just and I know this because I grew up the right way, in a home with good people who love and respect me. They are the one's with mental issues.

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      Satisfied MIL 7 years ago

      Wow, I can't believe what I've just read! Listen up Mil's.....after 20 yrs of NEVER being able to put all of the pieces together concerning our DIL, with nothing ever making any sense to me,ie/ her immaturity, her interpretations of simple conversations, her anger with me, why I am her target, her total control of a very well educated extreamly logical young man who has been ripped away from his past with not only his family but his friends as well. I never gave up trying to figure her out and recently Jan 16, 2011 I finally found the answer to her problem. Go to: www.Borderline Personality Abuse. You'll be able to link up with: www.Borderline Personality And The Abuse of Non-Borderliners. My Dil met all of the criteria except for 1. It would take me 5 pages of typing to describe her. It made me very sad for her after I read the articles. OMG I thought! Briefly,her Mother had 3 other children and divorced her father before my DIL was even born! My DIL wasn't wanted in UTERO never mind ignored as a baby & toddler. Read the article, and maybe you will find the relief and more...the understanding of a child who never had a chance, that I found! The real problem I'm having is how, if ever, to tell our son what I have found. After 20 yrs, all of the evidence is there and a lot of it he has witnessed. Think about this: People do what they have to do to survive. That's what our sons are doing! Good luck!

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      needsanewmil 7 years ago

      My mother in law is a psycho. A completely crazy, grown-son obsessed psycho.

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      adaughterinlaw 7 years ago

      It's not a mother in law's job to offer "constructive criticism" unless asked for it. If you know it offends your dil, why do you still do it whether your intentions are good or not? And it's not always dils that are cold and distant from mils. I have tried in the past to get along and have a close relationship with my mil. She always ignores me, and when she does talk to me, she treats me like I'm an idiot, is rude to me, or offers "constructive criticism". I give up. The day after we got married, she told my husband not to add me to his bank accounts except as an authorized signer so I could "conduct his business", but not take his money. We had been together 7 years before getting married. Also, she calls his cell phone, but has never once called me even if just to get ahold of him.

      This has taken a huge toll on my marriage (my husband is an only child and a momma's boy). I hope to someday have a dil that I can treat better than my mil treats me.

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      Truthbetold 7 years ago

      I see that a lot of MIL are asking why? Why are they not close to me? Why does it seem like they do not like me? I try, so why?? Seriously? It's just how it is. I don't think anything can or will change it. Not gifts, or money, or love. Especially when a DIL is close to her own family. I am a DIL, and I was not close with my MIL even before I started to dislike her. I love my Mom, Dad, Brothers, and Sisters. I have been around them my whole life, I am comfortable around them.

      You can speak to your family in a way that you can't with your inlaws. I know if I am having a bad day and I take it out on them, they will think nothing of it later but do so to my inlaws and there is always a bad opinion. That's true for many situations. Inlaws, they are biased, if you come to them with a problem about their son, they think YOU are the problem, their precious baby couldn't do anything wrong. I can drop by my parents house and come right in without knocking and hang out with my Dad while he's in PJs and rummage through his fridge but I am in my best attire and call before coming over to the inlaws. My parents respect my ideals and enforce them when watching my little one, they know that I am the parent and that cannot be said about my inlaws. At the end of the day, I have so much love and respect for my family and they make me feel loved and welcome, I couldn't care less if I spend any time with my inlaws and there is nothing that will change this.

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      Indeed 7 years ago

      I am a DIL and I don't go out of my way to make trouble, I just don't make any effort to see my MIL. The inlaws have a very large family and with ideals that I just can't respect or follow. I don't want my daughter to pick up any ideals that I am not trying to teach her. My husband is understanding, we visit from time to time and are there on all the holidays but I don't want my child to know his family well enough to be damaged by them. He visits them weekly and I usually stay home with the baby or visit with my parents. My husband doesn't really care about tradition or religion, so he is happy to have someone who can take control of both. I guess that's just what works for us.

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      Penelope 7 years ago

      #13 was hilarious.

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      caitlinlea 7 years ago from Texas

      I appreciate everyone's comments. However, I would appreciate it if everyone would try to be considerate to other readers. Along with this, please refrain from using any curse words in your comments. From now on I will not approve posts with cursing in the content. Thank you.

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      Doodles 7 years ago

      I tried my hardest to get along with my MIL. But she goes around telling her family lies about me saying I had an abortion when I was having cancerous cells removed. NICE! Then she says a year later when we found out we were expecting that I got pregnant on purpose to trap my husband (we have been together for 7 years). She drives my husband crazy calls him constantly crying "why are you so mean to me", when he hasn't done anything. I don't know what to do about it. I can't stand to look at her anymore. Those things are so horrible to say about someone. Who has done nothing to her. Except marry her son. CRAZY!

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      jessica1 7 years ago

      MN....I totally agree with everything you said. especially to IHatebeingDil who sounds like a completely miserable bitch.

      Like you MN, I am the dil, and I just don't get the other dils. You cannot put preference on your family and act like a total control freak. Mom's of young children, especially boys- we need to teach them to stand up for themselves and their family. To me, these nasty dil's are the female version of an abusive relationship. They don't have the right to control everything. I've never had an issue with a boyfriend's monther, and I love my mil.

      Get this, I was at a recital last year, and I was telling another mom how my mil was on her way up and staying for the weekend. This woman -had never even met my mil, and her response to me was, "she's staying at your house, Oh I'd make her stay at a hotel." What a BITCH! I have never ever ever even considered somethings so nasty. And why would she say that, she never even met the woman. I actually love when she stays at our house. it's fun to hang out at night, and her and dh take care of the kids in the am which is my only time ever to sleep in. She knows there is always an open door at our house.

      I guess I'm upset today, because I over heard this mom at school pickup today, trashing her inlaws to everyone at the school for no real reason, and it really bothers me because I have sons too. Which is what I don't get. That woman had a son too. Don't you dil's realize that you too someday if you have children will probably be a mil, and how would you feel if your sil or dil treated you like crap? Seriously, all you young moms out there really need to internalize this. When a child gets married both families need to be EQUALLY and fairly treated. And dil's just seem to be the worst. Not that I've never heard a sil speak badly, but not near the extreme of the women.

      I grew up equally close to both sets of grandparents, and it is something I will always treasure. Now if my mom was a control freak bitch like some of you dils, I never would have known both sides like I do. And I want to make very sure my kids spend as much time as possible with their 3 living grandparents.

      Life is too short for some dil's nonsense. You control freak dils have it coming to you someday.

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      Jec 7 years ago

      I'm a mother-in-law and quite frankly have done much to welcome my dauther-in-law into our family. She's been in my son's life for five years, three of which married to my son. Not once, has she made the effort to visit us; not much (except out of obligation) has she contacted us. I have gone the extra mile - cried over and over again over trying to understand what I'm doing wrong and have finally discovered through counseling that it's not my issue but her issue. This article, for the most part, is bogus. Mothers-in-law beware - there are some women out there who are hell-bent on trying to destroy family ties simply because they are too self-centered, selfish and insecure. I'll bet that most of these marriages end in divorce.

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      tonkal 7 years ago

      I have tried to have a relationship, but I find my mil makes it impossible. I sometimes feel like the disrespect she has for or shows for me is on purpose. It started when I had my son 2 and a half years ago. Every time we go over there, she changes his clothes without asking. She makes us leave toys that she buys him and clothes at her house and he can only play with them when he comes over. She tried to breast feed my son. Now that he is no longer breast feeding, when I put a spoon in his mouth to feed him, she copies me and my son has two spoons in his face, so I take mine away. It is like she is in competition with me. She does not even realize how her interference affects my marriage.

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      DoubleOh7Mom 7 years ago

      Where do families get off thinking they are entitled to ANYTHING? It is the most bizarre hazing ritual to marry into some families. My family is large and can be aggressive, so I MADE SURE MY BOUNDARIES ABOUT WHAT THEY CAN AND CAN'T DO IN OR WITH MY MARRIAGE CLEAR. I am dealing with a bunch of highly opinionated women here (my family).

      So I ALREADY KNEW WHAT I WAS IN STORE FOR WITH HIS family. The HORRIBLE thing is there was a generation of women who idolized their male children. I think it encapsulates EVERY CULTURAL GROUP. When the family is matriarchal, YOU ARE GETTING HAZED. There are some exceptions like my 95 year old Grandmother. She is easy, always has been and her children and their husbands/wives ALL LOVE MY GRAMMA. She is a LADY.

      Then you have these women passing themselves off as mothers attempting to date their sons girlfriends and induct them into some wacked out cult of control.

      Often "partying" m-i-l's are the WORSE. They are trapped in a time warp trying to recapture the 40's to no avail. They are bitter, rancid and have a creepy relationship with their sons. Their son plays husband, janitor, nurse, therapist, bartender for them and they wonder why someone in love with their son can't stand them.

      Young m-i-l's and drinking m-i-l's are the worse. They under develop their children because they thought being a mother meant being able to get married and spawn a child.

      Families, on both sides, can build up or tear down a marriage.

      When our kids turn 18, I am going to make skid marks down my street running away from these band of sociopaths.

      I am sorry, I am fed up with narcissistic people and their inadequacies being rained down on my head.

      Being loyal and being the peacemaker gets misinterpreted by SOCIO AND PSYCHOPATHS.

      Why do people make you cuss them out? Why?

    • profile image 7 years ago

      We are currently casting for a new docu-series about In-Law relationships. I was wondering if you or someone you know would be interested in participating in this show. Please see the casting notice below. If this isn't something that you are interested in, please pass the message along to everyone you know. It may be something that could help someone you know. Thanks!


      $$$ Offered!!!

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      Do you and your in-laws have different ways of doing things that can sometimes be frustrating? Do your in-laws old-fashioned values differ from your modern lifestyle? Does the statement, “When mom says no, ask grandma” ring true in your family? Do you wish your mother-in-law wouldn’t baby your husband so much when she is around because when she leaves he won’t do anything around the house?

      If you love your in-laws but want to learn to adapt to each others way of life, this is the show for you! Families on this show will have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to work with a professional relationship expert to help your family understand each others way of life.


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      sue 7 years ago

      It is not easy being a mil. Just remember all you dil's at there, YOU will be a mil some day. What you do & say now will come back & bite you in the butt later in life. Trust me, been there done that & your mil is older & wiser so take note & have some respect.

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      gajil 7 years ago

      I believe that someday ...our daughter in laws..that have mistreated us so terribly bad....will also receive the same treatment ...when her SON or SONS marry...someday....THEN SHE WILL BE THE ONE..CRYING!!!...and so sad......

      I HAVE NEVER HEARD such horrible this....I DONT KNOW why we cant take them to court for destroying our taking him away...and making him stay away from HIS MOM>...because of HER jealousy and greediness and selfishness..SHE will allow my son to help her mom and FAMILY!!>..and they can come over whenever they want..BUT HIS FAMILY HAS BEEN pushed away..AS IF we are dead.

      I agree that the SON should not ALLOW THIS!...BUT i feel she holds SEX and threats over his head ..IF HE SHOULD STAND UP TO HER>....DOES anyone think this is what is happening????????.....WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE???>...i dont know.....ALL I KNOW is ...I love them....and i miss my son.....THIS IS his second marriage.....ITS BEEN HORRIBLE!!!....his first wife was a living DOLL!!!...and so so so kind to his family!!...

      SHE was secure with herself....she always wanted EVERYONE TO BE treated GOOD>......WELL....i just don't know what to do....I KEEP PRAYING>....

      IVE even done speacil things for this second wife...of his...IVE done EVERYTHING i can think of to try to tell her i love her too....but she refuses to let me be her friend or etc......IVE never had even a chance to be apart of MY SONS NEW LIFE>.......she wont allow me...and not just me......NOT even his brothers!!!> isn't just ME>...its his family..AND they were all so so close.

      HIS first still kind and loving to me..and even to our whole family...SHE is such a loving person...BUT NOW ....i feel like its never going to be good....

      I feel i will die before MY SON realizes what he is allowing to happen....

      IM getting older...and i wish i could be able to just get a call once a month..from him...SAYING>....HEY MOM..I LOVE YOU!!.....he used to do that!!.....thats ALL I NEED>.....thats not asking too much!!.....I PRAY FOR ALL THE MOTHERS suffering like this....its reallly horrible......GOD BE WITH YOU>>>>KEEP PRAYING>...HE only returns my call or text...but i have to text him several times first..then if i call ...he wont answer..till about 5 days later.....HE seems to call me when he isnt HOME>>>or around her......THAT SAYS ALOT TO ME!!!..but now i don't hear from him...hardly at all....ITS once every 3 or 4 months.....and its very limited...conversation...ITS SO SO SAD>>>>>>I CRY SO MUCH OVER THIS>......LADIES>...i feel so sad for you if you have to go through these things too....THIS IS YOUR OWN flesh and gave birth too and loved all your life...and NOW ITS LIKE ...THAT you never did any of that!!...ACCORDING TO HER!!!..

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      gail 7 years ago

      THIS comment on mother in laws...this is a great daughter in law!! in a MILLION....when there are good mother in laws!!>...many have been lied about from the daughter in laws!...I have never tried to be anything but a friend...never never interfere.......i love her as well as my son...BUT this statement on top here is coming from a truthful and comman sense daughter in law!...SHE is wonderful!...wish i had her in my life...ive been pushed away..from my older sons new wife..she never even has let me be her friend..NEVER...she wont even call ...or anything..ive tried everything...from inviting her out to never works...THIS IS MY FIRST BORN SON...he and i used to be we have been ripped if i am not even the mother of him!!...its so so cruel!!>.im so broken hearted...IVE lost my first son..he has to do as she wishes...or ELSE>......i don't start anything !!...about this......i try to pray about it..and HOPING GOD will intervene.....BUT until then i am so so sad.......its as if he were dead.....BUT I could accept that to a point...but this way...ITS impossible for me to accept.....I LOVE HER ..and I LOVE HIM>.....IM SO SO sad....GOD BE WITH ANY MOTHERS>>THAT have to go through this too.....ITS horrible

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      MN  7 years ago

      What I find funny is how I am a DIL and I find what other DIL's say very rude! When You marry your husband, you do realize he has existed prior to you in a family. You don't just whisk him away into your family and expect his family to be second priority. I have noticed this with friends and family of my own. For some reason you DIL ( I am one myself but I am not like this) think that when your mother in law suggests something or teaches you something she is criticizing you. News flash: She has experience in life with almost everything and you are just starting to learn how to be a mother or a wife. Your own mother gives you advice does she not? She is merely making conversation and possibly trying to help. She is not intruding, nor is she putting you down. My mother in law will critique me on everything from cooking in the kitchen to how to take care of my baby and I only take it as constructive criticism, just as though my mother has all her life. If its something I think will work, i will do it and if its something absurd, I will tell her politely or throw a joke in there because she wants nothing but the best for her son and his family and I respect that.

      Second, My door is open to her just as much as it is open to my own mother. They are both my family. Although one is through marriage, I am happy to see her just as much. After all if it wasn't for her, my amazing husband wouldn't have existed. She must have done something right considering I am in love with her son and he treats me amazingly! Husbands don't just raise themselves you know.

      The bottom line is a happy home is a healthy home. My mother in law clearly wants her son and his family to be happy. My mother clearly wants me to be happy and she knows that my husband makes me happy so she respects and loves him! If only everyone would just put the "titles" ( MIL DIL blah blah blah) aside and think of marriage as a merging of families and not the creation of an entirely new one then there would be no power struggles between MIL and DIL.

      And to the women( IhatebeingDIL) ... YOU ARE A DAUGHTER IN LAW FROM HELL! you are the stereotypical trashy bitch that comes into someones life and overturns it!. I know many of you and I feel for all you MIL who have to deal with nasty people like her. Your closed minded and will never get any respect because you dont deserve it by thinking that negatively about someone who clearly wants to be civil with you. Your pure evil and I hope your husband doesn't ruin his relationship with his family because of you. That would be ashame.

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      happy DIL 7 years ago

      I have been married for 5 years. I looooove mu MIL. I stop by her house about 5 days a week. We have talked about moving to another state and my husband and I have talked to my IL and we will only move if they move too.

      But you know what? I don't get along with my own mother. What is the difference?

      My MIL respects me, and she was thrilled that I became part of the family. She is very mindful of my privacy. (She will never visit without calling, even though she gave me the keys to her house so I can stop by anytime.)

      We don't share the same religion and she never talks about it.

      The funny thing is that she also gets along very well with her own MIL...

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      MIL 7 years ago

      You DILs also don't realize how nasty you can be! I try to see it as immaturity but it still hurts. Like how my son (who phones often) talks about how they always seem to have her parents at their place. I have not been to their place since, sometime around Mother's Day, I think. When they come to our place, she is "studying" and does not even socialize with us. Very rude! Wait til they have kids; I'll be lucky if I get to even see them!

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      Celia 7 years ago

      MILs, you don't realize how invasive and critical you can be, deliberate or not. Your son is NOT your baby anymore, he is an adult who made his choice of partner, good or bad. Please don't expect your DIL to automatically conform to your family traditions; there are a LOT of compromises that need to be had on both sides.

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      elida c. 7 years ago

      My daughter in-law doesn't let my son visit us.My grandchildren don't know us.We are not a priority in her eyes.I praise her cooking,she snobs mine.She took his cell phone two years ago ,so his friends could no longer contact him. She has threatened to take the kids from him if he didn't attend her church. I have not been able to call him unless I go through her. I once was thoughtless about how important it was for my mil to see her son and grandchildren.Yet my mother was the center of my universe. Just think how frustrated and sad she(mil) must have felt. Husbands are pulled by their noses to forget they have family ties of their own.Daughter in-laws often would like to cut mom out of the picture completely.Our grand-kids see her parents all the time,I see them seldom.we'll never know the joy of knowing them! I am devastated . I cry and pray things change. I once was thoughtless toward my mil. With age and years she became a good friend who I dearly mii. Elida

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      IHateBeingDIL 7 years ago

      Well I have never gotten along with my MIL. She thinks that "being nice" will make me like her?? I'm not sure but I wish she would stop. I don't like her personality, how she talks to me, how she acts like we're friends, she tries to buy me gifts. IT'S ANNOYING!! I never wanted anything from her and I never planned on giving her anything more than basic respect. She hasn't given me respect in over 7 1/2 years!! She's made horrible comments and acts as if she has done nothing wrong. I can't stand her!

      FYI, MILs if your DIL isn't interested in being "friends" or having another mom (I have one mother and one only and she is more than enough) leave her alone!! You only make it worse by trying to "love" her. You make it worse because you're not respecting the fact that she doesn't care for you. Big deal, get over it. Just because she married your son, does not guarantee or entitle you a relationship with her. Just get over it and leave us alone.

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      lucy 7 years ago

      One morning you wake up and instead of being the loving mother you always were, you became a mother-in-law. I find that my daughter in laws only care about their own families and limit their contact to only "what needs to be done". It seems that their mother's insecurity demands them not to "love" you also. It doesn't matter what you give, time, money,

      compliments, etc. they just seem to have no time for you. It is sad, and I remember the poem --A son is a son until he takes a wife". Pleae daughter-in-laws know that you could have a wonderful friend and "another Mom" if you would just open the door a little.

      Because you cannot lose your sons, be careful what you say and remember that there are other mother of sons that understand completely your problem--seek them out. Beware of Mother's of Daughters because they are part of the problem.

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      Diane 7 years ago

      I have to sons 22/28 which i love soooooooooooooooooo much and always will. My oldest Boy got married back last year to a girl he as been with for over 5yrs..She is the only child her parents have preoffessional jobs a large house.Me im divorced living in a council house . I have always found that my Daughter in law have never had much time for me and now she as married my son well its even worse! i have tryed so much with her i know that she comes first now in his life which is fine, a mums love and a wifes love is entirely different.I just want to be heard sometimes,they never come to see me,(my son comes over sometimes on his own) i never interfere with there relationship i never have ,i let them get on with it.I am a good mother inlaw and always wanted a good daughter in law and be able to get on ,but it aint gonna work ,i know she is close to her mum which i think is great,but i do feel left out! I know they are always over her mums having tea/lunch etc but never me why?? can anyone tell me is there a reason for this?? My youngest son isn't marreid yet but is with a nice girl they have bought house together and are happy ,but again i never ever see them my son pops over sometimes but never with her??..I feel so down as i was really close to my sons we cwtched, cuddled.laughed.and talked alot its just all gone and i feel alone..

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      Nurse Betty 7 years ago

      I read on FaceBook where my DIL gave her stepmother a surprise b/d party, which was nice. I know her stepmother and like her a lot. Anyhow, I had a birthday and got phone calls, which I appreciated,no one came to see me that day, it was a weekend, so when I did see them on Mother's Day, I asked my son, why I could not have, at least, seen my grandchildren on my b/d, my 7 year old grandson made me a card, my son and DIL are financially strapped and a gift was not expected, presents did not matter to me, it was spending my special day with them, His comment to me, was "You are never happy and never will be". I only asked him a question. The next day was a check in my mailbox for money borrowed and the note was written by both of them thanking me for all I try and do to help them with, it was delivered by either my son or my DIL, they came right to the door, dropped into my drop in mailbox, but could not come in???? They were NEVER asked to return any money. So, because I mentioned about the birthday party and the only thing I wanted was to see my grandchildren, I was wrong? My DIL does not discuss things with me about her family, that is OK, she is very secretive. I am an RN, she does not discuss health issues or have questions that I might be able to help her with. She will not have a holiday at her house,it is always at her aunt's. Yes, she had one, because I had surgery and could not do it, mind you, I work holidays as a nurse, and will have a holiday for my family because I want to, and they will stop in for an hour or so before going to her aunts. I call it the token visit. She is in our neighborhood every weekend and will not stop in unless my son is here, saying, "she does not feel comfortable just dropping by without being invited. I have never left that impression with her to my knowledge. "??????, so what is wrong with calling????? They live about 20 miles from us, I still work full time, so getting to see them in not convenient for me at this time as I work an evening shift. Her mother lives in another state, her step mother and father live 75 miles away. They see the grandchildren more than we do. The disappointment for me is that I have all sons, so when I was gaining a "daughter" and a granddaughter as she already had a daughter when she married my son, was really, really so special to me. We paid for their wedding because just because we wanted to. Her father would not come to it and her mother could not afford to give her one. My DIL has had to live with blended families since she was little having both parents divorce several times, so she has had to deal with many different people. My son has not, he came from stability, our family is that, our family, we love each other, we are real and we speak our emotions and our hearts to each other. However, my DIL tries to keep all these people in her life and forgets one thing, we are in her life also and want to be, but we are not, so it is going to be on her terms on no terms. I personally feel she has so many people to support her in times of whatever, she does not even think to include us. It is just so hard to have someone who is so emotionally distant for a DIL. So I ask you, someone who is willing to help them in anyway, is just pushed to the back of the bus because their feelings are now hurt or embarassed when I asked them about the b/d party. That was something I was not suppose to know about. We have always treated her daughter with the same kindness as we give to our grandsons, but it never seems to be enough. Sometimes we do not even get a phone call acknowledging receipt of a gift. Last year I asked her to call us when she was on vacation as my husband was having surgery and it would be good for him to hear form the children, she never called, and when I asked my son, why, he said, You can call her which was true and I eventually did so my husband could talk to the grandchildren. Was there some reason she could call. I ask you, are these the actions of adults or children. They are 28 and 42?????? I have made a decision, and that is to not even be involved with them because it is too hard to deal with. My son is not happy with her and her daughter has always been put first and my son is not allowed to discipline her, so I am so tired of hearing about it. He has made his bed, he has to live in it, and I am not going to be a part of it, and it is sort of a relief for me, because it hurts me to see and hear his unhappiness. I can only hope that things will get better for them and perhaps someday.

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      Chaotic Chica 7 years ago

      I laughed so hard at reading this! I know I will never meet my own mother's exacting standards let alone someone else's so it has been easy for me to bite my tongue and swallow my pride. I have learned to pick and choose my battles while doing the best that I can. Over time I have picked up the slack, so to speak, and have begun to try harder to achieve what our mothers have in order to be a better mother myself and I believe that has actually brought me closer to the mothers in question (his and mine). Mothers do have a hard time letting go and I can only hope and pray that I am as gracious and understanding a mother in law I could possibly be when the time eventually comes (thirty years from now).

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      mom of 2 8 years ago

      I have 2 lovely daughter in laws. I have given up trying to please them. They visit my ex's mother for hours (family dinner) and I am lucky if I get 30 min. I work 2 jobs, I have helped with everything I have been asked to. When they are at my house they neither wash a dish after dinner or do anything to help me. I only give money for gifts now after seeing everything I bought returned. My oldest has been married over 2 years and I have never been invited to eat a meal in his place. I worked a extra job to pay everything they asked for their weddings, ( my ex paid nothing) i am so discouraged. My ex mil was a witch to me, they don't understand what a bad mil can be. I give up.

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      caitlinlea 8 years ago from Texas

      I am glad this hub is helpful to people. I think every daughter-in-law must struggle to find the right relationship with her mother-in-law, just as much as the mother-in-law must struggle to get along with the woman his son has chosen.

      I think it is unfair to cast blame to either side. However, I do think it is somewhat more difficult for the m-i-l, since she has lived with her son for 2 decades, and it is hard to "let him go".

      I also think, though, that the daughter-in-law goes through many many changes as a result of leaving her family, living with someone else, adjusting to so many things, including new and sometimes difficult family members.

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      Maggie 8 years ago

      My son got married yesterday and I have been feeling a bit confused and, if I am honest, sorry for myself, and if I am perfectly honest JEALOUS!!!!! This is how I came across this website. Although it is too early for me to say I think communication is the key, so I am going to make more effort to communicate with my daughter in law in a positive way and hopefully she will respond in the same way towards me which will leave us feeling more charitable towards each other because this jealous feeling that I have is really negative and leans towards self-destruction because she is my sons wife and I know he loves her very much and she makes him very happy and she is a very lovely, friendly girl and I hate feeling like this it is so negative and the only person I am hurting is myself for no reason.

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      DJ 8 years ago

      I wish mothers-in-law wouldn't always play the victim. I know how hard it must be to let go of your son, as I have one myself. But, my mother-in-law has never liked me, because I am nothing like her. She can't see that just because I'm not like her doesn't mean I'm not a great wife and mother. I use my heart to show my love whereas she uses a broom and rag. I do gestures whereas she uses "proper etiquette". I'll never win with her, no matter how hard I try (and HAVE tried for 6 years). I wish she would just let go of what she wanted her son to be and realize that he IS good enough and is doing what he wants to do and working hard for his family makes him feel like a man, not tired and sad. And he doesn't want me to wait on him hand-and-foot...he hated that she did that for them and still does for his dad - he finds it disrespectful for him to allow such a thing.

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      caitlinlea 8 years ago from Texas

      Thanks, maggs224!!

      I agree, it's very odd how only the mother-in-law with a son is usually the one we think of. I have given the whole issue a lot of thought.

      I enjoyed writing it...thanks for commenting!! =-D

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      maggs224 8 years ago from Sunny Spain

      I love my son-in-law because I can see how happy he makes my daughter, and until I read this article I never really thought of myself as a mother-in-law I just think of my husbands mother when I hear that term, how peculiar is that? An enjoyable and thought provoking hub.

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      caitlinlea 8 years ago from Texas

      Thanks!! I agree...there is such a lack of least when it comes to the things that really matter.

      Down with stereotypes!! :-)

      Thanks for commenting....

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      Rogue 8 years ago

      Oh! Very insightful, at leat until number thirteen, lol. There really doesn't seem to be enough communication between mother-in-law's and their dauther-in-laws. We have stereo-types to thank for THAT. I hope this sheds some hope for those in need!