13 Ways That Females Will Know For Sure That You, a Male, Are Stupid

I'm a lot like media-mogul, Ted Turner. I am a "cut to the chase," bottom-line kind of guy. And for a long time this attitude works well for me, for in the fast-paced life in which we live and I mean a Salt Flats in Utah type of fast, people in general do not like to talk that much when it comes to explanations, reasons why and just telling someone about something.

To these people, time is valuable and they hate wasting it. I hear you.

So now, for the first time in my HubPages membership, I want to share a radical hub experiment with you, my valued followers and non-followers alike.

First shock you will get is: The few lines of text above is the only introduction you will get to explain this hub.

Second shock you will get is: The name of this hub is:

13 Ways That Females Will Know For Sure That You, a Male Are Stupid

1.) Asking her if a thong is a new Chinese dish at the local Chinese restaurant.

2.) Getting confused when she is chatting with other girls and you interrupt by saying, "Ahhh, yeah. The James Thong films. Seen 'em all! The name's Thong. James Thong."

3.) Trying to get a small piece of lettuce from her teeth and getting your hand stuck in her mouth. This does not phase you and you start laughing hysterically.

4.) Opting to let your hot girlfriend drive, you sit in the passenger's side. Then suddenly you feel compelled to hang out of the window to yell angry phrases at a local politician's photo on a billboard.

5.) At dinner, things are peaceful until you rush from your table and talk like the character, "Ernest T. Bass," to a couple at the next table saying . . ."You see dat gurl? Dat's muh galfriend, haw, haw."

6.) On the way home your girlfriend wants to address your stupidity at dinner and says, "I think we need to break-up." To which you reply, "Oh, you need me to break-up some of your firewood for your fireplace?"

7.) You are at your hot girlfriend's house when her conservative parents, "Ted," and "Wilma," pay her a surprise visit. To get a laugh, you wear your underwear on your head as you walk out out of the kitchen eating a raw weiner to greet the parents.

8.) "Let's talk painful callusses, you two," you say while having dinner with "Ted," and "Wilma," who suffers from a weak stomach.

9.) "Anyone care if I do my bullfrong impression?" You interrupt "Ted" and "Wilma," who is just now returning from the rest room from emptying her stomach due to your 'painful callusses' remark.

10.) "I'm not really this stupid," you say to "Ted," and "Wilma," who are now in a hurry to get to the airport.

11.) Your hot girlfriend stands and glares at you as her parents go out of sight. Then you say, "I just love your parents. They are so cuddly."

12.) Before your hot girlfriend can respond, you spot one of her neighbors, a clergyman, starting to mow his lawn, but you get another stupidity urge and run onto his lawn and make a perfect open-field tackle on him. He slowly gets up stunned. You jump to your feet patting him on the back and say, "Padre, I thought you neeeded some practice in expecting the unexpected."

13.) In the next few days, things settle down. Then on another date, your girlfriend who is in a great mood, asks you in the restaurant, "Do you like my new turtle neck?" You look shocked. Then start ripping and tearing at her sweater looking for (a) turtle. Your stupidity causes the restaurant manager to report your hot girlfriend for an illegal-strip tease and the police arrest her.

Now that you have read this list of ways your girlfriend can tell that you are stupid, allow me to tell you what "today's girl," really wants in a man:

• A man she can rely on at all times.
• A sensitive man who is in-touch with his real feelings.
• A man whom she can share her intimate feelings, hopes, and thoughts.
• A soft-spoken man. Not like you, a bellowing lighthouse horn.
• A man who loves to cuddle with her. And talk about her intimate feelings, hopes, and thoughts.
• A man who eats health food, drinks health drinks and exercises daily.

Now. Can you be this type of man? And is being "this" type of man worth trading your stupidity in for a personal upgrade?