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14 Lousy Valentine's Day Gifts That Prove You Are a Cold-Hearted, Selfish, Non-Romantic Sort

Updated on February 4, 2015

Valentine's Day is just nine days away

BE WHAT YOU ARE

Today is February 5. Unless you are totally-oblivious to the romance in the air, February 14 is Valentine's Day. This is the day that rivals Christmas in money being spent in the name of love. I hear on CBS Evening News almost every year the millions Americans spend on each other and frankly, that is nice. If I had a choice, I had rather see people spend cash on their girl or boyfriend, wife and husband, than sit around home and not turn their hand to how their love for the other.

If, and I pray that if you are a non-romantic type, and you have "this" mean, evil desire to show your companion just how much you do NOT care about Valentine's Day, I have something to share with you. And if executed right, you will never be mistaken for someone who is shot in the heart by Cupid.

Guys, don't let this be you

And to help you solidify your point, I give to you, free of charge,

14 Lousy Valentine's Day Gifts That Prove You Are a Cold-Hearted, Selfish, Non-Romantic Sort

How romantic people act on Valentine's Day

Exchanging nice gifts
Exchanging nice gifts
Surprising wife/girlfriend with lovely roses
Surprising wife/girlfriend with lovely roses
Giving gifts that speak from your heart
Giving gifts that speak from your heart
Cards that reinforces the love you and your companion share
Cards that reinforces the love you and your companion share
Giving nice gifts creates a closeness with lovers
Giving nice gifts creates a closeness with lovers
Dancing with your loved one and a night out is probably the perfect Valentine's Day gift
Dancing with your loved one and a night out is probably the perfect Valentine's Day gift
Giving loving gifts show how much you care
Giving loving gifts show how much you care

The Truth About Valentine's Day

  • St. Valentine's Day began as a liturgical celebration one or more early Christian saints named Valentinus. Several martyrdom stories were invented for the various Valentines that belonged to February 14, and added to later martyrologies. A popular hagiographical account of Saint Valentine of Rome states that he was imprisoned for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and for ministering to Christians, who were persecuted under the Roman Empire. According to legend, during his imprisonment, he healed the daughter of his jailer, Asterius. An embellishment to this story states that before his execution he wrote her a letter signed "Your Valentine" as a farewell. Today, Saint Valentine's Day is an official feast day in the Anglican Communion,as well as in the Lutheran Church. The Eastern Orthodox Church also celebrates Saint Valentine's Day, albeit on July 6 and July 30, the former date in honor of the Roman presbyter Saint Valentine, and the latter date in honor of Hieromartyr Valentine, the Bishop of Interamna (modern Terni). In Brazil, the Dia de São Valentim is recognized on June 12.

Source: Wikipedia Free Encyclopedia

14.) Barge up to your lover's door. Ring his or her doorbell. When he or she answers the doorbell, shove this bucket of black, riverbank mud into their hands and say, "Here! I bought this Valentine's Day gift for "Shelly DuPree," a girl across the street but she didn't want it, so I am giving it to you!"

13.) Before you leave your lover who is not shaking with anger, snap at him or her, "Well? Why are you just standing there? I thought I'd get the gift you bought for my Valentine's Day celebration."

12.) Hand your lover the skull of a groundhog then say, "In northwest New Guinea, exchanging skulls of dead birds means a deep love one has for the other."

11.) Gift-wrap an empty package of Beech Nut Chewing Tobacco and when your girlfriend 's face is pale with anger, you explain, "This is the best hint I could give you for what I want for Valentine's Day."

10.) Hand your sweet lover a raw shank ham that has a red ribbon tied around it.

9.) (for girls) Present your special guy with a jumbo size plastic container of sun screen then say, "Let's hurry and eat so we can go to my apartment so you can rub all of this sun screen on my back. I am pretending it's summer."

8.) Give your girlfriend or wife a decorative little wire cage that has several deceased butterflies laying on the bottom. She will surely look confused. So you step-in with, "Hey, I was in an appreciative mood for art when I bought this for you. It means something about there is no escape of life."

7. (Warning: This gift is pure dynamite) Give your boy or girlfriend, over dinner, a color 8x10 photo of you with your former boy or girlfriend and say, "I wanted you to have this, the last memory of a time of love, passion and carefree love before you came along."

6.) A plain white envelope (with your companion's name on it) with five-dollars and twenty-cents will be the cheapest, easiest way for you to be left at the table than any "real" gift you could buy in a store.

5.) Hand your excited mate a ticket stub from a great concert you went to the night before with some old college friends--boys and girls. Tell your lover, "Hey, this is your fault. I called your place an hour before we left and you never answered." The line, "You could have left a message!" is bound to come up. Then you answer, "Yeah, but that would have been so impersonal. I figured you would rather have this ticket stub as a lovely Valentine's Day keepsake than a cheap phone message."

4.) Take your wife or girlfriend to watch your local high school cheerleader try-outs as her Valentine's Day gift.

3.) Take two pieces of window pane glass and pour some colored sand between them and super-glue the edges together. You color the sand by mixing a moderae amount of house paint and pouring it into the sand. What a great, unusual gift for your girlfriend or wife. She will be speechless.

2.) Surprise him or her with a 16-pound bag of dog food. This will arouse their suspicions. Then you hand them a sales receipt from the local animal shelter where you have bought him two sweet, full-grown hound dogs for his or her Valentine's Day gift. Soon you will be saying, "Oopsie! I forgot that you were allergic to dogs."

1.) Take your sweet, caring girlfriend ot wife with you to a gentleman's club, or strip joint. If she objects and she will, just tell her, "Hey, why are you angry? I shelled-out extra bucks for you and I to sit on the front row!"

How do you like your new life with no reminders of romance?

" This hub, like most of my works, is for you to have some humor before, during and after Valentine's Day.

Seriously, I would love to Wish you, My Cherished Followers, a Happy and Warm Valentine's Day."

— Kenneth Avery

Comments

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    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hey, vkwok,

      I agree with you on your comment.

      If a guy is foolish enough to do any of these things, he deserves to be lonely.

      FYI . . .these were just in comedy.

    • vkwok profile image

      Victor W. Kwok 

      3 years ago from Hawaii

      Definitely not stuff to do on Valentine's Day!

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Dana,

      Thanks lots for your words which are the truth. I am not as romantic as I was in my younger years, but now and then, I surprise my wife with a novel gift or something she needs done in the house.

      I sure wouldn't want to die in a non-romantic state.

      Come back and see me anytime, Dana.

    • Dana Tate profile image

      Dana Tate 

      3 years ago from LOS ANGELES

      You're right some people are not romantic. Some don't even give anything at all!

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear Shyron,

      I have missed you. Are you doing okay?

      Thank you sincerely for the sweet comment and how you would handle #7 is hilarious. Way to go!

      Thank you so much and have a happy Thursday.

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 

      3 years ago from Texas

      I have had a few of those gifts LOL (not really). my answer to #7 would have been, "HOW SWEET! A picture of you when you were desperate. Now give it to someone who cares.

      I love the movie clip.

      Voted up, UI and shared

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      luisj305,

      I hear you.

      Like I just said to schoolgirlforreal . . .these were all fun and comedy ideas. I dare to say that NO guy would dare give his wife or girlfriend one of these awful gifts--unless it was in good fun.

      Have a great day and visit with me again.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear schoolgirlforreal,

      I wrote one of those Pro-Romantic Valentine's hubs last year, and FYI, this is just for fun.

      Seriously. There are people that I know who are NOT romantic and do not like Valentine's Day. A brother-in-law will not give his wife a Christmas, birthday or anniversary present. I am not jiving.

      He is very annoying. He loves greenbacks.

      Thanks for your nice comment.

    • luisj305 profile image

      luisj305 

      3 years ago from Florida

      These are pretty funny, but whoa! I don't think my "valentine" would allow me to survive the day if I gave some of these things out as gifts!!

    • schoolgirlforreal profile image

      schoolgirlforreal 

      3 years ago

      Wow. Now those are just mean ideas! Maybe you could write a hub with good ideas to counterbalance this one.

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