25 Things I Think About During a Power Outage
This is NOT me in this photo
OTHER IMAGES OF WHAT "I' DO WHEN WAITING FOR THE POWER TO COME ON
Seemingly, when people use the phrase, "awww, that's just a part of life," they always refer to a personal tragedy, set-back, or some disappointment that slams you back into last week. Never have I heard this "suit-all," phrase when talking about meeting a hot chick who loves hotwings, classic movies, and tractor pulls. And I have done my homework on this, folks.
Let me ask you, "have you ever had someone say this phrase to you?" If you have, then you know how stunned and overcome with confusion feels like. Not fun, let me tell you. And the people who use this phrase so freely and without any thought of how the hurting person feels, are always the people who have never suffered anything close to a painful situation, ordeal or a good, old-fashioned dilemma. Break-ups by a hot chick's choice included.
And continue to humor me as I present a short-list of painful events or moments that the always-fitting phrase, "awww, that's just a part of life," may be, and is being used today.
1. Divorces for no apparent reason
2. Your best friend steals your wife of 30 years
3. Your wife's brother doesn't like you and is an IRS auditor to boot
4. You get a traffic ticket for going too slow
5. Your ex-girlfriend wins the 100-million-dollar lottery after breaking up with you a day before her ticket was drawn.
6. Your best buddy confesses he has been seeing your wife for the last 15 years. What hurts the worst is that you have only been married 6 years.
7. Your trusty pet collie, "Max," bites you one day because you rubbed him on the head.
8. Your telephone bill goes up simply because you called to let them know that some of the 50 calls on your last bill was their mistake.
Enough. I cannot stand this self-inflicted pain. But you know what I am talking about.
Recently I suffered what I deem to be a personal tragedy. A personal tragedy that directly affects my family and me instantly. Without any warning. It just hits us and sits back and gloats. We are helpless to its shameful laughing. Know what I am talking about? A power outage. Yes, a power outage is one of the most-annoying, useless, and yet seemingly lethal occurances that plague mankind.
I know. Life or people are not perfect. And I am not asking for perfection. I am just tired of "those" care free people with perfect hair, skin and body fat who stroll by when I am out of power in my home and say, "awww, that's just a part of life," and casually continue their stroll to their next victim.
When I'm told, "awww, that's just a part of life," by these self-imporant people who are in love with themselves, I always ask, "you ever have a power outage?" "Wy' no, my good man. I have an expensive generator in case I ever do have a power outage," they reply with their eyebrows raised.
Then I simply look at them with a stone-face and hope that their dog bites them on the way home. Frankly, my point is that no matter how long or short, a power outage is crippling, disabling and all-the-time frustrating to a common man like me. I don't ask for much in life. Maybe that the billion-dollar-a-month power company I pay for their electricity, could invest some of their truckloads of cash into finding a power-outage-proof way of supplying my power. Anyone with me?
Okay. Enough of this venting. I'm already getting hungry. I always get hungry when I vent. But to the powerful power companies across the United States, I hate to hurt your delicate feelings, but I have stumbled upon a way for me to remain calm, collected, and still smell like a man when the power that you supply to me and countless numbers of customers goes down. I am not sympathetic. I am a survivor. You actually drove me to this with your computer-enhanced voice at your 1-800-"Sorry-Your-Power-Is-Out" says to me, "we are aware of this problem. And a power crew has been dispatched to remedy this situation. Your power "SHOULD" be resorted in 12 hours or tomorrow at 4 p.m."
I have found a list of things that I ponder over and over, hour after hour, day after day, when my power company suddenly experiences a good, old-fashioned, all-American outage. And it actually works like a charm. You should try this system. It might save you needless headaches, muscle spasms, and tension in your neck that makes you feel like you are being pulled apart by a team of Clydesdale horses who work for Budweiser.
I proudly present, "25 Things I Think About During Power Outages" . . .
"Why me?" "I pay my bill on time. Every month."
"Must be a "test" to see how good their power crews really are."
"Darkness is not that bad. The caveman lived in darkness."
"I hear Navy Seals train in darkness. I will suck it up and be like a Navy Seal."
"Why does my wife insist on talking so much?"
"Oh how I wish I had a battery-powered television."
"Hey, my neighbors all have power." "Are they special or kin to the power company CEO?"
"Funny how a hand looks like a turkey on a wall when my flashlight hits it."
"Wonder if they called the NFL game scheduled for an hour from now?"
"The NFL never has power outages. They probably own a power company, no I'm thinking of the NBA."
"Wish I was a young man again. And with the girl I broke up with before I got married."
"What's with the traffic tonight outside my house. Don't tell me that people celebrate a power outage with beer, loud music and touring a dark neighborhood?"
"Man, I could use a Coke, but I cannot open my refrigerator. I have to conserve the cold air trapped inside."
"Why is my wife finding only boring subjects to talk to me about?"
"Gosh, I would give $1,000 for a battery-powered turntable and a Led Zeppelin LP."
"Good. I am getting sleepy. Uh, oh. Can't go to sleep. My wife will think I am not interested in her sister's new way to spade cats."
"Maybe some callestenics would make time go faster."
"Has it been an hour yet?"
"Oh my gosh, all of my clocks are electric-powered."
"What does a panic attack feel like?"
"What if I can't get to my doctor due to this power outage?"
"Wonder if I could sue my power company for reckless power outage?"
"I will call the power company tomorrow and thank them when the power is restored!"
"Maybe I'll send them a gift card for $50.00!"
"What's that noise? A burglar? A prowler? What??? My wife's asleep?"
Hmmm. "That's just a part of life."