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3 Quality Questions to Ask Men You Date

Updated on January 7, 2017

"Do The Work" Iyanla Vanzant

Ladies one becomes wiser as we mature in life or so one hopes. So here you are in the dating pool ready to partner with a quality man. You have done the work on you meaning you have taken time to study and address any issues that may be barriers to achieving your own completeness in life. Perhaps you have embarked on a journey with therapy, life-coach, or found a mentor that has helped you to reach the next level in your journey. Yes ladies that means addressing daddy issues or upbringing because you don't want these issues to drive you to seek dysfunctional relationships. (You don't want to unconsciously look for me to repair or who disappointment you like daddy did. You don't want to become this hardened, I don't need anything from anybody “in your face” type of woman either. )You know who YOU are and what you want. You are authentically you no mass manipulation and all games aside. Your finances are in order or at least headed in the right direction. Your trade, knowledge, education, and/or financial stability allows you to live-save-invest-breathe and you are on your way to achieving your financial goals absent of a partner. (If you lack financial security you are bound to be fooled and entertain people just to help you get by which often opens you to not so nice people.) You have analyzed your past mistakes, accepted or acknowledged your part in the demise of past relationships and have taken the time to heal as well as grieved time lost on failed relationships. You have taken the time to get to know yourself and be still as a individual, comfortable and whole with yourself. You look in the mirror and like what you see. Your mind, body, and soul are in a great place and now you are ready to date. This is dating with marriage or a long-term relationship in mind.

The Scorpion and The Turtle

A scorpion, being a very poor swimmer, asked a turtle to carry him on his back across a river. "Are youmad?" exclaimed the turtle. "You'll sting me while I'm swimming and I'll drown."

"My dear turtle," laughed the scorpion, "if I were to sting you, you would drown and I would go down with you. Now where is the logic in that?"

"You're right!" cried the turtle. "Hop on!" The scorpion climbed aboard and halfway across the river gave the turtle a mighty sting. As they both sank to the bottom, the turtle resignedly said:

"Do you mind if I ask you something? You said there'd be no logic in your stinging me. Why did you do it?"

"It has nothing to do with logic," the drowning scorpion sadly replied. "It's just my character."

Issues Don't Just Disappear In Men From Childhood

Dysfunctional Background

3 Questions

Is he happy/fulfilled in his career?

So you're getting to know someone and attempting to work in some questions that will allow you to get to know him better. You ask questions as they come up rather than asking someone to recite their resume on cue. (Remember, good on paper doesn't mean a great catch or good person.) So here are questions that you might want to know or ask. Do you like what you do for a living? Don't fill in the blanks but listen to the response. Why does this matter? Stress in a relationship can be difficult and add strains to the interaction between two people. If the person hates the job they have sometimes that stress or frustration they carry with them can interfere in their happiness and their ability to function completely in a healthy relationship. Is this person doing anything to change their situation or do they have a “victim” mentality? Does he have the desire to take his career to the next level or is he comfortable?

Children – Were you married to the mother of your child/children?

It's 2017-get real right? Listen- The purpose of this question is to get a tone for your expectation level and understand the relationship he has with the mother of his child. Subconsciously you are planting the seed that you value marriage and a solid family unit so he knows from the start when he's getting to know you. This is not a point to be argued but your question plants the seed of expectation. The other thing you need to know is his behavior. Did he father a child after partying one night and got a call from the woman three or four months later saying she was pregnant? Did he have a long-term relationship with the mother of his child? (Or is he running around sexually irresponsible engaging in high-risk behavior in a day where h.i.v./diseases is running rampant? Does he value your seed? Does he understand the importance of parenting and partner selection?)

Were your parents married?

Let me first say people can not choose their parents, upbringing, or the situation in which they were born. If you want to be married it's good to know what a person's view on marriage. Save this question from being asked immediately as you don't want to hit someone with hard hitting questions time after time. Some people never knew their father or other. Some people witnessed violence or infidelity. Some people were raised in poverty as the result of their parents decisions. Some people had married parents that argued and complained their entire 40 year marriage. Your background allows you to form opinions about relationships and marriage. Was poppa a rolling stone and he believes that acceptable and normal? Was his mother over-bearing, non-feminine, perhaps because she had to take the role of both parents and now he wants someone completely quiet and dependent on him to survive so he can escape his mother issues? Does he manifest his frustration and hurt for his father abandoning him on his mother thus he secretly hates women? Was his father domineering and his mother was expected to be quiet and deal with whatever to keep him? Did he witness a horrible relationship so subconsciously you try to duplicate that or believe the worse thing in the world is marriage. Often people that have never seen stability do not understand the sacrifices made in the attempt to keep your family in a good place, understanding love is not about manipulating and controlling everyone, and it's not about thinking of “me” but “us.” When you ask the question do not fill in the blanks but listen to his thoughts without interruption and be understanding. You are listening for his thoughts or mentality rather than saying the “right words.”

Dating Issues With Men

Final Thoughts

Prepare to open up

Let me say that the person asking the question should also be prepared to answer the question. While you don't need to bare your soul to the other person be vulnerable enough to be honest. You don't have to divulge every detail of your childhood but you can be honest with him as well. At a certain age we are too old to try to play games. Maybe you're honest and say I didn't grow up with my dad around so I know how important the family unit is in life of children. Maybe you recall the meals with mom, dad, siblings and share how good it felt to always have family love present. Maybe you reveal things didn't work out the father of your son/daughter unfortunately I thought we would work so we could raise our family together but unfortunately that did not happen. Perhaps you stress your relationship didn't work out with your child's father but you make sure both of you have ample time with the child to make sure he/she has a healthy amount of love from both of you. Perhaps you reveal you always wanted to go into the nursing field and you're planning to go to school to become an RN. Perhaps you reveal that you are taking a night class to learn culinary arts because you want to open a catering business by the time you're 35.

Before seriously dating someone or considering someone for a relationship between the fun times these questions will help you gain insight into where this person fits into your life plans and their agenda. These questions will also save you from people that are dysfunctional and so damaged by their issues that they bring dysfunction and harm to your life. Ladies, you aren't there to play therapist – you deserve a loving, caring, healthy person in your life. You did the work on yourself so stop trying to find dysfunction and fix it.


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    • realtalk247 profile imageAUTHOR


      15 months ago

      Wow, that's a deep story

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      21 months ago


      "Did he father a child after partying one night and got a call from the woman three or four months later saying she was pregnant?"

      In the U.S. only the woman can decide if a man will be a father or not. No man can force a woman to carry his child to term or have an abortion.

      If a man becomes a father it's because the woman wanted to have a baby.

      My guess is most men and women are not working in their 'ideal career". They simply learn to adjust and make the most of opportunities that came their way. In fact most people probably "fall into" careers.

      It's no wonder we're seeing a spike in people "changing careers" during their midlife. Sometimes circumstances during their youth made them give up their "dream" and later in life they're able to go for it.

      Lastly as you noted we don't get to choose our parents!

      My parents were married until I was age 7. I recall heated fights and arguments. One night my mother loaded me and my brothers in car and raced down alley attempting to run over my father who was on foot after being away from home a couple of nights.

      Many years later my father would confess that he married my mother back in 1957 because she was pregnant with me. He said: "I know you probably feel your mother is someone special but she was just another woman I had."

      Naturally at the time I felt like he was a jerk. However later in life after having several types of relationships with various women I understood his point of view. When you're young everything is so "black & white".

      Later with age/experience we see life is filled with grey.

      Essentially my father married for the "wrong reasons" to a woman he was NOT "in love" with. Our family wasn't a Norman Rockwell painting.

      If I got anything from my parents marriage it was a lesson in what not to do.


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