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5 Things Girls Do That Turn Guys Off in a Relationship
In another article, I already discussed what creeps guys out when girls are courting a possible romantic connection. But what happens when you're already done with the initial getting-to-know-you stage? What happens when you've already snagged the guy and are in a relationship with him? What could possibly send him running the other way?
I attempt to answer these questions here, whittling down to the main things that will turn a guy off when you're already in a relationship.
(Yet another entry into my unintentional
series of "5 Things" about relationships. I like the number 5 for
some reason. Sue me.)
(Disclaimer: Once again, though many other guys may agree, these are ultimately based on my own personal experiences. Don't listen to me; I'm weird.)
(Now that we have that out of the way...)
Things that can potentially turn a guy off in a relationship:
1 - Talking incessantly about past relationships
The past is past. Unless it's a small--a VERY small--thing that you might mention when telling a story about something totally different, he doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want an endless monologue where you detail all your experiences with all of your exes, while you count off each of them on your fingers.
Do not tell him about sex with your ex-boyfriends (or ex-girlfriends, for that matter). If it was up to him, your boyfriend would probably just kind of like to pretend that you have never done anything sexual in your life before you met him. He knows that's probably not true, but the main thing is that he doesn't want to be reminded of it, especially by you.
2 - Venting all your emotional baggage all at once
Slowly, in their good time, the confidences come trickling in. How long it takes for your secrets to come out depends on the kind of relationship. Sometimes it happens over the course of one or two days, one by one they pop out during conversation because you really feel you trust this person. Sometimes it takes longer, months or years. Whichever flows most naturally, and whichever seems most comfortable for you AND your partner.
The one thing you shouldn't do, however, is have a one-way monologue of a venting session. Ever. Do not stand there and talk about your most painful secrets, one after another, unloading your burden onto him as soon as possible. This is a side of you that a guy should be willing to see, yes, but do not give him the impression that this is all there is to you. It's depressing.
This may sound harsh, but it is true: Your boyfriend is not your therapist. Your boyfriend is probably not built and trained to deal with people venting and unloading all their baggage onto him, and even if it just so happens that he is trained in this and is some kind of mental health professional, you are not his client.
Carrying someone's emotional burdens is a lot of work. Most guys don't mind doing it to a degree, because they kind of fancy themselves the hero and like to take care of their women. But, seriously, cut him some slack. He has feelings; he's not superman; he can only take so much at once.
3 - Making him into your priest
Similar to turning him into your therapist, do not make him into your priest.
This is more likely when you feel that your boyfriend is, for whatever reason, more morally evolved than you and less likely to be weak morally. Do not use him as your moral standard in a literal way. Do not confess to him every bad thing you think you've ever done (or worse, the things you do while in the relationship) and then sit there silently waiting to see his reaction.
Do not do something that you are ashamed of and then ask him if he is disappointed in you.
No, no, no. If you are disappointed in yourself, then allow yourself to be, but do not drag him into a battle that is strictly between you and yourself. This is not his place and he does not want to be there unless he is some kind of narcissist that gets off on forgiving your sins.
And maybe if he makes it a habit to wear black with a white collar, and likes to sit in a little booth and listen to people whisper their sins in his ear from the stall next to him. In which case, if he actually has a girlfriend, he has some explaining to do to his higher-ups.
4 - Competing with him
A relationship is a special kind of co-operation. Your partner is assumed to be "on your team" in a way few other people in your life are. Any win for him is supposed to be a win for you and vice versa.
When you turn the relationship into serious competition--where you are truly trying to prove you are better than him for some reason--you are seriously damaging his ability to see you as a comrade, as something other than an opponent or enemy. It would be the same if he was doing that to you, if he was constantly trying to one-up you. When someone is constantly preoccupied with trying to prove herself to be better than other people, including and especially her partner of all people, it shows an extreme lack of self-confidence and security of the ego.
Needless to say, it will annoy him to no end--(usually) not because he's intimidated or actually sees you as competition, but because of exactly the opposite. He signed up for a relationship to be supported (and to support you!), not to be pushed down (or to be forced to push you down to prove himself).
5 - Using him for experimentation (and admitting it)
Let's say you're not sure you like Asian guys, but you're dating him just to see if you might. NO. No guy (I hope) wants to be just "an Asian [or insert other group] guy." He wants to be YOUR guy. Someone you like and maybe love for who he is.
Sure, life is often about amassing experiences of different kinds, but if you are pre-planning those experiences on the basis of wide stereotypes in which you categorize people, then you are selling yourself (and him) short.
Don't date him just because you have this hypothesis that you "might like this kind of guy," but aren't sure. Only date people if you like them. Yes, even if they're assholes and not the "nice guy" your friends try to set you up with, so you can experience what dating a "nice guy" is like. If you're not attracted, get to know him and wait until you are attracted (if ever) to accept a date from him.
Actually, on a similar note, don't date him for any reason other than that you are attracted to him and to who he is as a person. So, in other words, don't date him because he's Hispanic and your parents wanted you to marry within your race; don't date him because he's Catholic and you thought that it was important to find a nice young man that shared your faith; don't date him because he has a secure, well-paying job and you think it's about time to settle down. All of those reasons have NOTHING to do with him, and, deep down, it is unlikely he would ever be thrilled to find out you dated him or, worse, agreed to marry him for these reasons.
So seriously, ladies, if you do this stuff, then stop it. And I commend those of you who don't. In fact, I think (I hope) it's safe to say that the type of women who do all of these things to an extreme are not in the majority, and for that I am thankful.