- Gender and Relationships
5 Tips to Stop Being Too Needy With a Lover
There's No Going Back to Childhood
A friend of mine killed herself about ten years ago. She was too clingy in her constantly depressed state which alas, I did not recognize till it was too late. I suppose she had every reason to be so emotionally needy. She insisted on living alone, had recently lost her father to an early death by cancer, had been abandoned by her mother when she was a child and by a steady boyfriend who had been cheating on her.
She had become a recluse, refusing to go out for a movie with friends because she was always waiting for that boyfriend to call. She would embarrass people she had just met by telling them her whole life story and trying to procure their friendship by sending them little gifts. They began to avoid her. My love just didn’t seem enough for her. She needed a lover.
In their book, ‘How to Take Charge of your Life’, psychologists Mildred Newman and Bernard Berkowitz say that the problem with clingy people is that when they face loneliness and insecurity, they give up their rights as grown ups so that they can return to childhood when they depended on others for their emotional and physical well being and were looked after. But we are on our own now and no one wants to bear that responsibility.
Besides, everyone loves a winner. On the one hand you can try to evoke pity and get spurned. On the other you can take a chance and go out and try get that job and occupy yourself with things that matter like reading a good book, indulging in a hobby and accepting invitations to party when they come along –never inviting yourself. Even if you don’t land that job, at least you’ll feel a new sense of self respect which will radiate from your face and draw people to you naturally. But first, you need to admit that you have a need and do something about meeting it yourself.
Coping With Insecurity at Work
Almost every woman has known the anguish of job hunting – and once the job is in, the insecurity that rises from the need to keep it. “Why can’t they be kind to me?” wails a friend of mine who is in the process of divorcing her husband who refuses to pay her alimony or maintenance. “Why can’t they see that I need the money?” I told her that she will not get a job by acting like she needs one, but only by showing that she is capable and deserves it. What you need to do to ensure security at work is hone up on those skills and become as indispensable as you can be.
5 Tips For Releasing Yourself From Negative Neediness
1. Start by recognizing your neediness and so open yourself to change. Allow yourself to feel needy, but do mix it with a sense of independence. Don’t just stick to tackling jobs you don’t need help with. Begin to explore new roles with friends at work.
2. Having admitted your needs, examine yourself and see whether part of the problem could be your own stubbornness. Are you really trying to cope?
3. Once you stop fooling yourself about your own efforts, you can start being realistic about the people you count on to rescue you. When you feel helpless you give someone total power over you – be it your man or your employer. He or she could make you happy, boost your confidence, offer you a terrific job and change your life. But it’s just not true. People can encourage you and give you suggestions but they can’t work wonders – that’s up to you.
4. Stop feeling like a victim and grow up – it won’t be easy, but it’s the only way to begin to lead your own life.
5. Determine what you can expect from friends. If a friend doesn’t even want to listen to your problem, realize that he or she is not really a friend. And don’t chase after them. A woman I know who suddenly found herself jobless and manless told me that only some of her `friends’ showed her their loyalty by constantly keeping in touch and helping her even financially when they could. As psychologists point out, real friends in adversity are must haves. They will be there when we call provided our need is genuine and they are not constantly plagued by a poor-me attitude.
Stop Longing to Belong
My friend who committed suicide longed to belong. When I told her that she was attractive and talented and there were many more fish in the sea, she wept and told me that she was a one-man-woman and that he belonged to her and she to him. It was her need for belonging that drove her to confide in everyone she met right away. She wanted to hear that she was special and loved. Many women who are divorced or separated from their husbands realize that only when they let go of this need to belong to a man, do they find someone or something to belong to.
Psychologists point out that men feel this need too and most strongly when their wives are pregnant and have established that exclusive bond with their unborn children. Yet pregnancy also makes them emotionally demanding and this makes men feel resentful and depleted. Not wanting to admit their own dependency, they may turn to other women to fulfill their own needs.
But more often it is women who seek for that missing something in a relationship. Says one psychologist: “If a need is denied, you come to feel all wrong about it and try to do away with it. When this happens early in life, the feeling that your needs are wrong translates into a feeling that you are wrong. In order to cope, a child pushes aside her needy part and the part of her that knows what she wants. She attempts to pursue things that others will find acceptable.” The result? A woman living in constant conflict with one foot stuck in the world of the needy child.
Analysis of the Needy Person
Why Men Love Bitches
© 2014 Anita Saran