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50 Things That Will Never Come From a Southern Girl's Mouth
Hail, southern girls!
I've said this before: Southern girls are not just lovely creations, but they are born so complex that normal guys, even their devoted boyfriends, sometimes cannot figure them out. For these guys, it's an interesting puzzle concerning a mysterious creature: The high-powered, fearless and make-up just right, southern girls. What a nice place to be for these boyfriends of southern girls, one of God's most-amazing creations.
Let me explain why I referred to them as "complex." The southern girl, "Julie June," a vivacious, energetic and charming blond is with her boyfriend, "Lukey Luke," a complete southern male. He loves all outdoor sports: fishing, hunting and camping. But today he is with "Julie" at their high school softball team's first game of the new season.
In the middle of the second inning, "Julie's" hawk-like eyes spots trouble. Her adversary, "Ellie Elizabeth," is sitting in the discreet place of the bleachers with her "ex" from last month: "Johnny George," the captain of the high school football team whom "Julie" suspected all along to be cheating on her with "Ellie." "Julie," and "Johnny's" fights were legendary until one day "Julie" said, "That's it. We are over!" And that was that. "Julie" went her own way and "Johnny" asked directions to his own way.
Time to get serious
Before the Atomic Clock, the world's most-accurate timepiece, moves time ahead one second, "Julie" pounces out of her seat, stunning her current boyfriend, "Judd Budd," the son of a successful soybean farmer, and lands (with perfect aiming) on "Ellie" like a head cold and tells her off within an inch of her plastic life. "Julie's" "ex" starts weeping out of shame. "Julie" breaks-up with "Judd," and goes back with her "ex," "Bubba Dubba," who is mathematically-challenged--failing two years, and they start all-over again.
"Julie" is not the least bit proud of being the first southern girl to engineer the first long-distance break-up. She is happy for the moment. Yes, "Julie" is not your typical southern girl, energetic, full of life, great looking and not worried about politics or normalized-relations with Cuba. She is in love. And unpredictable in all areas of her life. All except one: The things that come from her pretty mouth.
You may not realize it, but there is this mysterious list floating around in society of
50 Things That Will Never Come From a Southern Girl's Mouth
"Well, shut my mouth! A sweet Southern Belle"
- The Southern belle (derived from the French word belle, 'beautiful') is an archetype for a young woman of the American Deep South's upper class females. The image of the Southern belle developed in the South during the Antebellum Period. It was based on the young, unmarried woman in the plantation-owning upper class of Southern society. A Southern belle of that era was keenly aware of the popular fashion of that time, and the modern archetypal image still includes antebellum fashion. A Southern belle typically wore a hoop skirt, a corset, pantalettes, a wide-brimmed straw hat, and gloves. They also frequently carried parasol umbrellas and hand fans. As was fashion at the time, these young women shielded themselves carefully from the sun, as a sign of tanning was considered working-class and unfashionable. Southern belles were expected to marry respectable young men, and become ladies of society dedicated to the family and community.
- An essential element of the Southern belle was social gracefulness. They were always good-mannered and could make any guest feel welcome. The "Southern belle" epitomized Southern hospitality, a cultivation of beauty, and a flirtatious yet chaste demeanor.
- The opening scene of the film Gone with the Wind is widely considered to depict a classic example of a Southern belle. While the term is commonly used to indicate positive characteristics, it's not without controversy. Sam Bibble wrote in a piece for Gawker that:
- Praising the loyalty and generosity of the Southern Belle is about as cheery as celebrating the camaraderie of the Hitler Youth, the fresh air of the Trail of Tears, or the cardiovascular benefits of the Bataan Death March. You can find something fun in any horror of history! And the Belles of today do exactly that—if you bring up sl*very, they'll point to all the nice parts about the Old South. The architecture, the parties, the sipping of cool drinks on warm porches. Oh, the fields? Those fields are just for growing delicious strawberries and tomatoes for folks to enjoy. Nothing more.
- Every perk and beautiful part of white plantation life was created through black slavery. If Belles were patient and gracious, it's because forced black labor enabled it. If the Southern life was pretty and sophisticated, it's because slavery afforded it. Everything pleasant about Belle-hood was a function of human suffering on a vast scale—it's conceptually impossible to separate the society bankrolled by slavery from the slavery itself.
- "Go fishing? Hey, I am a girly-girl and hate that kind of thing."
- "Sure, babe, you can take "Jessie Sue," my main nemisis, to the tractor pull Saturday night."
- "Hey, reach in your cooler and hand me a bottle of Rocky Mountain Purified Water."
- "I need to cancel my tanning bed appointments. I am turning too brown."
- "Ohhh, "Margie Marg," I adore your cut-off jeans!"
- "Honey, this prom sucks. Why don't you head over there and dance with "Teena June," the head majorette."
- "Honey, had you rather me wear my pantssuit than this short dress to "Donnie Don's" blow-out party?"
- "Get that hound dog away from me this minute!"
- "Catfish for supper, ma? Seriously?"
- "Grits? Oh, yukkkkk!"
- "OMG, "Goober Goob," where on earth did you get that awful 4x4 truck?"
- "What do you mean, you are all cutting class?"
- "Are you serious? I never chew gum in class or anywhere else!"
- "Blake Shelton? I despise that poor excuse for a guy."
- "Hey, folks. Let's all go to the Lady GaGa concert in New York tonight."
- "Oh, honey. I just love to cruise around in my Mercedes and listen to classic opera tunes."
- "Hey, fool, just look what you did! You got water on my tee-shirt! It's ruined!"
- "Mom, can you buy me some heels? My feet cannot stand these sandals anymore."
- "Dad, an uppity girl called me a redneck today and I cried. Uh, dad. What's a redneck?"
- "No, "Tommy Tom," I am not going skinny-dipping with you. I hate diets more than anything."
- "There's no way I will be seen on that bass boat!"
- "Honey, why are we in Tuscaloosa, Alabama? And why do we have to say, 'Roll Who? Tide?"
- "Girlfriend, you want us to go the creek and swim this afternoon? No way! Uhhh, what's a creek?"
- "Hey, it's my convertible. I love driving the speed limit and listening to Tom Jones."
- "Buddy, you get that dangerous .22 rifle away from me. Guns should be outlawed."
- "I'm going all-naturale tonight. No make-up at all!"
- "I do not have OCD just because I shave my legs every night!"
- "I am going to walk away now. I do not believe in fighting."
- "Dance? Sure I'll go with you to the dance. Is it ballroom or ballet?"
- "I love to wear a lovely, long evening gown instead of those darn short shorts."
- "Shhhh! Southern girls are not to yell at football games."
- "Duck Dynasty? Are you nuts? My favorite television show is: "Dr. Oakley, Yukon Vet"
- "You want me to go for a ride on your motorbike? I am staying here to catch the Wendy Williams Show."
- "Well, mom, dad, sweet little brother, good night. It's 9:15 p.m. past my bedtime. And I have an Algebra test tomorrow."
- "'Sally Sal,' you will not believe this, but that foolish 7 - 11 manager offered me a job tonight."
- "My favorite film is NOT 'The Notebook,' but 'G.I. Jane!"
- "Don't anyone wake me at 5 a.m. I am not into deer hunting. Ewwww."
- "'Billie Bill,' my boyfriend broke-up with me. Why? LOL! Cos' I threw the football better 'n him!"
- "Hank Jr. is not gay and I will kick anybody's butt who says he is!"
- "Did anyone see Oprah's latest flick?"
- "Keanu Reeves has to be the biggest sissy in Hollywood."
- "I am worried about what college to attend after graduation."
- "Oh, boy! I do need myself a husband. I can't support myself."
- "What's that, Marlboro Lights? No thanks. My breath is fine."
- "Let's all go to the Ashley Furniture Store and choose new furniture for our double-wides."
- "I gotta hit the gym tomorrow. I've got sagging love handles. Yukk!
- "Oh, I just cannot wait to have a houseful of babies."
- "A drink? Sure. Something strong. Got any cranberry juice?"
- "That guy just winked at me. I'm going to tell him off right now."
- "My boyfriend's mad at me. I'm gonna start being more submissive.
Note: "This" southern beauty doesn't exist. Do not pester me for her email address.