- Gender and Relationships»
- Separation & Divorce
6 Intelligent Ways to Save Your Marriage
How to Save Your Marriage
You may be stuck in a bad marriage, or your spouse may be making it difficult for you to enjoy your marriage. However, you may not wish to breakup with him or her but have the desire to save your marriage. What are some of the things you can do to achieve this aim?
Do An Honest Assessment of Your Spouse
Choose a day on which both of you are in a good mood. Sit together at a table, preferably one in your bedroom. Take a pen and paper and let your spouse do likewise. Write down the things you do not like about your spouse in table form such as the one below.
Write Down What You Don't Like About Your Spouse
What I Don't Like About Isaac
He does not spend enough time with me on weekends.
He leaves his clothes about in our bedroom.
He is too physically self-absorbed.
Do An Honest Assessment of Your Spouse
When you are done, exchange the pieces of paper and discuss what your spouse can do to make you feel happy in the marriage. Write it down in another table.
Write Down What You Want Your Spouse to Do
What I Want Isaac to Do
I want Isaac to spend at least 30 minutes during the weekends talking to me.
I want Isaac to put his clothes in the wardrobe when he comes home from work.
I need Isaac to show a lot more care. He should give me more attention.
Do An Honest Assessment of Your Spouse
Then on another sheet of paper write down what you like about your spouse.
Carefully type all this information on your computer and print out two copies. Give what you wrote to your spouse, and collect his. Pin yours to a piece of cardboard and hang it by your bedside, at a location where your eyes will fall on it immediately you open them every morning.
The tables will remind you of what your spouse hates so that you can avoid doing those things, and also of what you must do to make him or her happy so that you can save your marriage. In addition, it will remind you of what your spouse likes about you so that you can keep doing those things. Furthermore, this piece of information will tell you that all hope is not lost, for if he or she still likes something about you, then it means you can use that to convince your spouse not to give up on the marriage.
Write Down What You Like About Your Spouse
What I Like About Isaac
Isaac has a great sense of humor.
He is a good father.
He pays the bills promptly.
Isaac has not cheated.
Do a LOVE Analysis of the Marriage
Do a LOVE analysis in which you:
- Consider your Loyalty to each other.
- Remind your spouse of his or her Obligations to you as your married partner.
- Consider your Values again and
- Look again at whether you are using Effective Communication in the marriage.
Consider whether it is a lack of loyalty to your spouse which is causing problems in your marriage. Ask him or her whether you behave in ways that suggest you are not loyal. If your spouse thinks you are not showing loyalty, you must re-dedicate yourself to your spouse and promise to show loyalty, if you want to save your marriage.
Maybe you are not fulfilling your obligations as a wife or husband and that is why the marriage is not working. Probably, your spouse is not happy with your lack of responsibility, or the fact that you don’t give him or her enough attention, or you don’t show enough concern when he or she is facing difficulties. Have an honest discussion with your spouse and ask him or her whether they think you are doing your best to fulfill your obligations. Let your spouse rate you on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 means you are terrible, 5 means you are making an effort but you could do far better, and an 8-10 mean you are doing very well. Accept whatever rating you are given and try to improve your performance.
Remind each other of the values that were dear to you in the days when you were dating. Take a critical look at whether you are still holding onto those values, or your values have changed. For example, if you were an honest person when you were single, are you still honest? If you were a very tolerant man, are you still tolerant, or you get annoyed at the slightest mistake your wife makes? If you were very responsive to the needs of your spouse earlier on in the marriage, are you still responsive? If you discover that your values have changed, ask yourself why they have changed and discuss how your spouse can help you to regain those values( because you may have changed because your spouse may not be giving you the support you need, or doing things to irritate you which make you do things that undermine your values).
Effective communication is all about talking with your spouse and actively listening to the views your spouse communicates to you. It can help you to resolve conflicts and misunderstandings amicably so that they don’t destroy the marriage. On the other hand, the breakdown of effective communication can drive you apart as a couple, weaken the marriage, and destroy the love in the relationship. Therefore, evaluate whether you are communicating effectively as a couple. If you discover it is part of the reason why your marriage is not working, resolve to talk about issues and to listen with respect to the concerns your spouse raises about issues in the marriage they are not happy about.
Identify the Main Problem Affecting the Marriage
It is one negative issue that led to another negative issue , which led to another problem, which has eventually brought you to point in the marriage now where both of you are not happy in the marriage. For example, maybe your spouse cheated, and you confronted him or her, and there was a fight, and as a result your spouse left the house and has since not returned.
Another scenario may be that after living with your spouse for two years you got to know certain habits and behaviors you never knew your spouse had, and this may have made you very disappointed you married him or her, and so you have fallen out of love with your spouse, and you now spend a lot of time with your friends thereby neglecting your spouse, and as a result your spouse is no longer committed to the marriage and the marriage is falling apart.
If you want to save your marriage, you must identify that one main problem that set in motion a train of events that are threatening to destroy the marriage. When you deal with that main problem, the effects of that main problem can easily be handled. For example in the first example above, find out why your spouse cheated in the first place and do what you can to solve the problem so that he or does not cheat again. In the second example, try to understand how your spouse was brought up, and use tolerance, patience, jokes about your bad habits and how you try to overcome them, and persistent encouragement to get him or her to change some habits.
Avoid Bitter Fights
Bitter fights in which you shout at each other and stomp out of the room will increase the likelihood that you may become very bitter with your spouse, which could make it very difficult to reconcile with your spouse, and consequently it could lead to a breakup.
To prevent quarrels and misunderstandings from degenerating into bitter fights so that you can save your marriage:
- Admit your mistake when you wrong your spouse and he or she draws your attention to it. If for example your spouse confronts you and says, “Do you know you are responsible for the state of this marriage now! It is all your fault!” just say, “Yes, I take full responsibility for everything that has gone wrong in this marriage. You have every right to be annoyed with me. I can see what I did has really hurt you. I am very sorry. In fact, I have been thinking a lot about all the pain I have caused you. And I want to make amends. I just ask that you forgive me.” Although you cannot possibly be responsible for everything that has gone wrong with the marriage, accepting you are responsible calmly creates the atmosphere in which you can address the issues. When you discuss the issues, your spouse will see where he or she failed.
- If your spouse is responsible for the main problem, confront him. Say something such as, “Isaac, I am not happy with the direction in which the marriage is going. I was very hurt when you cheated with Ama and I want us to talk about it.” He may respond by trying to make an excuse or bringing up one wrong thing or another you also did in the past. If he says something such as, “You are part of the problem. Were you not the one who refused to cook for me two weeks ago? Have you not cheated before in the past?” respond in a manner such as, “Yes, I am very sorry. But can we discuss the issue at hand which is that you cheated, please?” If he tries to accuse you of another thing, just nod your head and say, “Let us talk about why you cheated. We are talking of what has happened now, not what happened in the past, please.” Repeat your request continually so that you do not lose your focus. Avoid all unnecessary arguments and stay calm and collected, and make it clear to your spouse that what you want from him is a mature, civil discussion of the problem at hand. Persevere and refuse to become irritated.
Write Down the Objectives of the Marriage
One thing you can do to save your marriage is to write down the objectives of your marriage. Why did both of you decide to marry, to begin with? Was it because you thought your spouse could make you happy? Was it because you loved him or her?
The reason why you may be having trouble making the marriage work is because you have lost focus of the objectives why you married: when you lose sight of those objectives, it can affect your commitment to the marriage. However, reminding yourself of them constantly can make you more committed to seeing the marriage work.
- Write these objectives down.
- Under those objectives, write the words, “Is what I am doing now or about to do helping me to achieve the objectives for which we married?”
- Frame the objectives and the words above on one plaque.
- Place the plaque in your living room at a location where you can see it when you are leaving the house and also when you come back home.
Anytime you see those words, you will be reminded of why you married your spouse, and it will motivate you to do your best to make the marriage work.
The Bible says in Psalm 55: 22 that, “Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you.” Cast means to throw. Throw the cares and burdens of your bad marriage, and the struggles you are going through, on God through prayer. Pray a prayer such as, “Dear God, my marriage is sinking. I have done all I can but I can’t seem to salvage the marriage. Father, you show your power when we have done all we can as humans and can’t do more, for You do the things that are impossible with men. Please help me to save my marriage. Amen.”
Believe in God and He will work miracles to save your marriage.
How to Save Your Marriage
Do you remind yourself often of the reason why you married your spouse?
© 2017 Isaac Yaw Asiedu Nunoofio