7 Exceptional Ways to Restore the Love in Your Marriage
How to Restore the Love in Your Marriage
How do you restore the love in your marriage after you have fallen out of love with your spouse?
Yaa Agyei has been married to Yaw Amponsah for two years. For about four months now, she feels she has lost the love she used to have for Yaw.
“I felt so passionate about him and about the marriage. But nowadays I don’t kiss him or touch him. When Yaw tries to get intimate, I give every excuse I can think of under the sun just to distance myself from him. This leads to fights. I know it is not good for our marriage, but the love I used to feel for him just seems to have vanished.”
There are many spouses who may appreciate how Yaa feels. The intimacy and passion which used to drive their marriages is gone and their marriages have been left loveless and dull.
If you are in such a situation, what can you do to get the love back into your marriage?
Love Yourself Again
Falling out of love with your spouse can sometimes cause you to question yourself about your ability to love, or it may make you feel that you are not desirable to your spouse. Furthermore, it may make you stop loving yourself because you may feel you are not worthy of love.
You cannot love your spouse again if you do not find ways to love yourself again, or if you think your spouse cannot possibly desire you again. Therefore, if you want to bring love back into a loveless marriage, you first have to love yourself all over again before you can start loving your spouse again.
How can you love yourself again?
- Stand in front of your mirror every morning and look at yourself for about five minutes. Then make positive affirmations such as, “I am a worthy person. I still have the ability to love and be loved. I know I am desirable. I am beautiful (or handsome) and I feel I am a wonderful person. I love myself. I love myself.”
- Think about charitable acts you have done for others, and the kind deeds you have done for friends and family members. It will make you feel good about yourself and make you feel you are a worthy person. As a result, you will realize you are not such a terrible person after all and this will make you love yourself.
- Visit underprivileged people in your community and talk to some of them. Let them tell you how they struggle everyday in life. Listen to their stories with rapt attention and make mental notes of dissimilarities between their situation and your situation—their suffering as opposed to your privileged situation. Then later, ruminate on how privileged you are to have the kind of life you are living. It will remind you that some people in life have far worse situations than you have and this will make you appreciate and love your life and yourself.
- Spend a lot of time with friends and relatives who feel you are a great person. Their commendations, kind words they say to you, and acts of affection they show towards you will lift your spirit, make you feel appreciated and loved, and that will make it easier to love yourself.
Respect Your Spouse
Sometimes one loses love for his spouse because he feels he is not respected. When you disrespect your spouse time after time again, he may feel worthless, and that may reduce his desire to show love to you, or he may lose the love he feels for you entirely. The opposite scenario is also true i.e. when your spouse disrespects you, you may lose your love for him.
On the other hand, when you respect your spouse, it makes him feel goodwill towards you, and that is more likely to make him feel affectionate towards you and love you.
Therefore, you must show respect, or demand respect, if you want to restore the love in your marriage. If you have lost your love for your spouse because he does not respect you, let him know and then discuss ways you can respect each other.
Be Playful with Each Other
Some couples lose the love they have for each other just because there is no excitement in the marriage—the relationship is too stiff and formal, a relationship in which the husband sees himself as the “boss,” and the wife is the “servant.” This can make the marriage boring. Moreover, it can prevent both of you from feeling emotionally connected to each, and that can make both of you fall out of love with each other.
In contrast, when there is fun and excitement in a marriage, both husband and wife are always happy with each other and that makes it easier to sustain the affection you have for each other, which can help to maintain the love in the marriage.
Therefore if you feel you are losing your love for your spouse because there is no fun in the marriage, start to behave like children again. Give each other funny nick-names instead of calling each other by your official names. For example, instead of calling your wife Sue, you can call her “Tintinabunation.” Instead of calling your husband Rob, you may choose to call him “Rokoto.”
The children will laugh about it when they hear it. Join in the laughter and have some fun using these funny names to create humor in the house. When you are both alone, laugh when you mention these funny names to each other, or when you call each other by those names. The humor will help you to connect as a couple, and as you keep doing it, your affection for each other will grow again.
Go On Another Honeymoon
If you feel that you are falling out of love with your spouse, then plan another honeymoon. It will help you to bring intimacy back into a marriage. Plan to take your annual leave at the same time your spouse will also take his leave so that both of you will be free at a particular time to go on this honeymoon.
If you realize you are losing your love for your spouse in the early part of the year, let’s say in January or February, plan to take a one or two week leave to coincide with the Easter. Alternatively, you may choose to plan an elaborate second honeymoon for the summer holidays.
If you realize the love you have for your spouse is waning somewhere around September or October (that is after the summer holidays), you may choose to plan a one week honeymoon during the Christmas of that year.
Discuss what attracted you to your spouse, when you go on the honeymoon. Let him know how things have changed, and ways in which both of you can make adjustments to your lifestyle so that you can show more love to your spouse. Furthermore, write down your fantasies and discuss ways you can make time for each other to fulfill these fantasies.
Make love often during this period, touch each other often, and have a lot of romantic conversations. Try to bond again romantically and emotionally during this second honeymoon. Making love, touching each other, and conversing whilst you discuss ways to restore the love in your marriage will help you to bring the passion back into a marriage.
An example of how to plan the discussion is given in the table below.
Second Honeymoon Discussion Example
What Attracted Me to Isaac?
How Have Things Changed
What Effort Can I Make to Solve the Problem
I loved his smile
He no longer smiles at me
I shall remind him to smile every morning and evening
He was so caring
Nowadays he is not considerate
I shall remind him of how he used to care for me
He was very understanding
He gets irritated easily
I shall encourage him to try to be patient
Have Evening Conversation Dates
Every day after work, try to have a date at home. If you have little children, schedule the date for late in the night, after you have seen to it that they have taken their supper and gone to bed. However, if your children are adults who have left the house, then have the date immediately you come home from work.
Plan well ahead by preparing your meals for these dates during the weekend, or choose to eat a meal that will not take a long time to prepare so that you can have ample time to talk as a couple.
The main purpose of these dates should be to talk about your love for each other and how you can restore the love in your marriage. Therefore, switch off the television and put off all your cell phones. Chat about your romantic fantasies and your aspirations for the future while showing little acts of affection such as squeezing hands, kissing each other’s cheeks, and hugging.
If you feel too tired to sit down and talk, have the date on your marriage bed—take your dinner in bed together and talk while showing acts of affection for each other.
These dates will help you to get intimacy back in a marriage relationship.
Have Double Dates with Couples Very Much in Love
Organize a date together with another couple who still love each other very much and who have a great relationship, in a public place such as a restaurant, if you want to restore the love in your marriage. Do not ask any questions during this double date but just observe how the other couple relate to each other.
Just being around a couple who are still very much in love may inspire you and motivate you to desire to restore the love in your marriage. In addition, it will give you some ideas as to what to do to restore the love in your marriage.
Cook Exotic Meals Together
Doing fun things together will inject some excitement into the relationship, help you bond better, and help you to restore the love in a marriage. One fun thing you can do is to cook an exotic meal together every weekend. Whilst you cook the meal, chat, crack jokes, and show affection for each other. It will help you to get love back in a marriage relationship.
Cooking these exotic meals will make you feel you are doing something fresh and unique, which will make you feel you are breaking the monotony of always cooking the foods you are used to, and it will help to restore the love in your marriage.
One exotic meal you can cook is cowpeas and saffron rice. The ingredients you need to cook this meal are:
- 150g of brown cowpeas i.e. about 1 milk cup full of cowpeas.
- 256g of rice i.e. about 1.5 milk cups.
- 200ml of peanut oil (about 1 milk cup).
- 20g of salt (1 teaspoon).
- 1 onion.
- 2000ml of water for boiling the rice.
- 2 cubes of saffron.
This is how you can prepare the meal:
- Cook the cowpeas and rice separately.
- Boil the cowpeas until much of the water evaporates and the cowpeas become soft.
- Then add salt.
- Boil the rice in the saffron solution to obtain a nice yellow color.
- Fry slices of onion in the cooking oil and toss the cooked rice and cowpeas into it.
- Season well and serve.
- Decorate the meal with slices of tomatoes and green French beans.
You may choose to start with this meal and learn how to cook other exotic meals as time goes on. To make the time even more fun, play your favorite love songs or dance whilst the rice is boiling. Turn the kitchen into a “love arena” –a place where you show love to your spouse whilst doing something else.
If you want to restore the love in your marriage, you must learn to appreciate yourself and believe in yourself, make the marriage exciting again, do unique things, and learn from others. All these things will help you to become a better lover, and becoming a better lover will help you to do things that will make the marriage stronger in the long run.
How to Restore the Love in Your Marriage
Have you ever considered going on a second honeymoon?
© 2017 Isaac Yaw Asiedu Nunoofio