- Gender and Relationships
7 Signs He's NOT The One
After writing a hubpage the other day about signs that he IS the one, I decided to turn that around and talk about some signs that he's NOT the one for you. Trust me, after learning some of these the hard way, I now consider myself a pro at understanding the signs of when a relationship is not good for you. You'd think that some of these signs are pretty obvious, but love can be tricky. We've all the sayings "Love is Blind" and "Looking at Life through Rose Colored Glasses". Love makes us crazy and often blind to what is really happening in our relationship. We are quick to make excuses for bad behavior simply because we are in love or we are afraid to be alone. In my experience, the 7 signs discussed here are absolute deal breakers, red flags, get-out-now warnings not to be ignored.
1. He Gets Annoyed Whenever You Are Emotional
If your man is the type to turn away every time you cry or complain that he has hurt you in some way, it might be time to reconsider his loyalty. I once had a boyfriend who would take a nap whenever I got upset or started crying! He made me feel as though I was the one being unreasonable and that I was wrong for being emotional. Rather than putting the blame on yourself, take a look at the real issues involved here. Sure, it may be possible that you are WAY too emotional and you may need to deal with those issues. On the other hand, it is also possible that you are being hurt or taken for granted and he is refusing to talk to you or admit fault in any way. You have every right to share your feelings with the one you love, and someone who loves you equally will be happy to hear you through and help you deal with those emotions. After all, how can you ever achieve real intimacy if you can't share your emotions with each other?
2. He Hits You
This is a deal breaker. No excuses. Even if it was only once (so far), a man who hit you does not love you the way you deserve to be loved. Men who hit will often apologize, give extra attention and gifts in order to make you feel loved, but accepting his apology and allowing him to make excuses is only showing him that you are willing to let him abuse you. Some men will also threaten to hit you harder or possibly to even kill you if you call the police or tell someone about what happened. The longer you allow them to bully you and abuse you, the more likely they are to begin making such threats. If you can, get out early, get out the very first time it happens and don't look back. Just imagine what your life would be like if you actually stayed with and married this man! Are you willing to put yourself and your future children through that difficult life? Use whatever resources available to you to get out, such as family help, women's shelters, the police (but you have to actually press charges and follow through). The important thing is that you get out before it's too late.
3. He Makes You Feel Like Everything Is Your Fault
In my experience, I have found that some men just have a particular talent for making us women feel like everything that goes wrong is all our fault. If you are constantly feeling as though you have done something wrong or you are not good enough in your relationship, you might want to step back and take a look at why you are feeling that way. Is it really you that has caused so many problems and arguments? Sometimes, sure, it is partially your fault, because all relationships have their problems. However, if you step back and realize that every time he goes out and spends too much money, it somehow becomes YOUR fault that the bills didn't get paid this month... or if he's cheating and somehow turns it around to make you feel as though it's YOUR fault because you never want to go out or you gained weight or you pushed him to it....you should seriously re-evaluate your affections for this man.
4. The Friendship Is Amazing, But The Sexual Attraction Isn't There
I understand that friendship is a very important ingredient in a successful relationship. However, if you're in it for the long haul, I can't stress enough how important it is to also have a strong sexual connection with your partner. In order to experience true intimacy and express your love for each other, there needs to be a physical element involved. And let me tell you, if it's not there now, it probably never will be. Even if you're planning to save sex for marriage, you should still know by now whether or not there is good chemistry between the two of you. Also, take into consideration that once you enter marriage, part of the deal is that you can't go elsewhere for sex. If you aren't particularly thrilled at having sex with each other, you can bet that either you or him will someday cheat, and that's no way to have a good marriage. The connection you find during sex is about meeting each other's needs, expressing affection for each other and being intimate. If you don't have that, you might as well be roommates.
5. He Cheats on You
This is a difficult one, because I know a lot of people out there will disagree with me. However, I stand by my advice that if he cheats on you, it's a deal breaker and you should get out. In almost every case, once a cheater, always a cheater. Just the simple fact that in one moment, he decided that his desire to have sex with someone else was more important than his relationship with you, is enough to seriously question his commitment. I can understand the argument that if you're married with children, there might be some value in trying to work it out. For me personally, though, cheating when you're married with children is twenty times worse because he put someone above you as a unit and a family, and was willing to risk everything you've built together for a moment of sexual release. If he cheats, no matter how hard it is to say goodbye, you should cut him out of your life as soon as possible.
6. He Puts You Down
By this, I mean he makes you feel bad about yourself instead of encouraging you or making you feel better. A man who constantly criticizes you for your failures, your looks, or your personality is a man who wants you to completely change who you are or how you look. Or, possibly, he's a man who just finds pleasure in making you feel bad. Either way, who wants that person as a permanent fixture in their lives? Don't we do enough of this to ourselves most of the time? A good partner is someone who will life you up, encourage you when you're feeling down, and love you for you are right now. I once had a boyfriend who told me "I love you so much. Not for who you are, but for who I know you could be." It took me some time to understand just how much of an insult that really was. We all change and grow and hope to be better from day to day, but the bottom line is that love should real and true according to who you are in the moment, not based on who he wants you to be.
7. It's ALWAYS About Him
Some men (and women for that matter, but that's a different hub all together) just have to be the center of attention. A relationship, however, should be about balance where both people are having their needs met. You may go through times where he really needs you to be there for him and your needs are put on the back burner for a while, but there will also be times when your needs are at the forefront. That is a big key to a great relationship. If you find after time that his needs are always the most important and you never get a chance to lean on him, there is something wrong with the balance. When you come home from work, does he ask how your day went? And then actually listen to what you have to say? Or does he immediately dive into a play-by-play of what's bothering him or making him happy, thoroughly ignoring the fact that you also might have something to share? When you talk about your desires, dreams, goals, or frustrations, is he really listening to you and offering support and feedback? Or is he watching TV or playing his XBOX while you talk? I don't care if he's the most gorgeous guy you've ever known in your life and he has the most fabulous but stressful career on the planet, there is no excuse for a man who does not take your needs seriously in a relationship. It can't always be about him! As women, we often are quick to sacrifice ourselves and our time for our men and our kids and our jobs and community, but if you want to have a loving, fulfilled relationship, you have to make sure that your needs are being met as well.