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7 Tips on How to Annoy Your Girlfriend
Relationships can be smooth sailing a lot of the time, but there are those moments when a relationship is just difficult to bare with. To make matters worse, there are some things that I know I do that annoy my significant other to the point of volcanic eruption. In an odd way, I quite enjoy these moments, sometimes. By "sometimes", I mean sometimes. That's because sometimes, my annoying antics are the reason why the earth's apocalypse could very well have come in a year BEFORE 2012.
So, here are seven "tips" or ways in which I annoy my girlfriend. Reading this will arm you with the knowledge to either build or destroy. Want to end your relationship? Pick a few of this antics to use. Want to build a better relationship? Stay away from performing what you're about to read. You know - see, see... don't touch... or whatever that saying is.
1. Ignore her comments when she's providing commentary on "Teen Mom 2"
If you're anything like me - and for the most part, most guys are - you should dislike even the thought of Teen Mom 2. For those of you haven't had the privilege of watching this extraordinary show, it is about four girls who have kids and make some rather questionable choices along their paths to "independence."
I like to pretend to do other things at the 10 o'clock hour at which Teen Mom 2 starts. I'll really do anything to get out of watching the show. Anything. This leads to a sound barrier that begins construction, so that about half-way through the show (when the action starts), the wall is so strong and heavy that my head begins to bow. I will then have to raise my head, but the weight of the wall will cause my head to bow, again.
This can be portrayed as an affirmative nod (to the outside world) to everything my girlfriend says. Perfect.
2. Make a (spawn of the earth, ugly) face
One of my other favorite past times is to make the most horrendous looking faces I can possibly make - this includes in public (though I do have self-restraint). I really just do this for a laugh, sometimes. But overdoing it will easily lead to the early rumblings of that apocalypse everyone keeps talking about.
Wait, wait... Could the Mayans have predicted my girlfriend?
3. Breathe into her "Line of Breath"
I agree with you on this one - what on earth is a "line of breath'?
But that majestic term is what my girlfriend says when I am looking at her but accidentally breath. The technical definition of this phenomenon is when she breathes in and inhales my breath. I get it, perhaps I have bad-breath, and so I have trained myself to stop breathing when I talk to my girlfriend, or interact with her (face-to-face) in any way.
Sometimes my girlfriend will perform this pet-peeve of hers on me, as some sort of punishment. This doesn't work... But if you're looking for World War III... Go ahead, react!
4. Drink Out of the Bottle
This tip applies to any form of liquid that can come from a bottle - water, orange juice, milk... Anything.
One of the quickest ways to annoy a girlfriend is to drink out of the bottle. Apparently this contaminates the bottle, as well as any liquid that is in the bottle - preventing the consumption of the contents of the bottle. I mean, it can't be that bad, can it?
You know what? I'm taking the milk, and leaving! Hmph...
5. Demand space on the couch
A very couple-y thing to do is to lie on the couch and fall asleep watching something on the television. In fact, I'm sure there is some scientific study out there that says this manner of affection is probably good for your relationship...
You start to feel a little squashed against the backrest of your couch and start scooting, trying to make yourself a little space. This is when she'll start to yell in that half-asleep way that is inaudible to you, but means so much to her (in the morning).
"No! Stop moo...." she might say, followed by a sudden, threatening movement that will put you back in your place.
Up against the backrest.
6. Exclaim interesting topics in a LOUD manner
I mean, I get excited sometimes. Especially when I've just thought of something that I believe is an idea worth a publishing deal. However, I've made the (honest) mistake of exclaiming these "EUREKA" moments at a decibel level more appropriate for a construction site.
Don't speak too loudly, OK? This will lead to payback. Payback in this case is being yelled at right into your left ear. That's really uncomfortable.
7. Walk too fast... Live in a bad location... Don't have a car... A host of other reasons...
This final tip on how to annoy your girlfriend is arguably the most important. After much research both in the real world, as well as in laboratories, I've come to the conclusion that unless you're filthy rich, you're always going to be appeasing and not (a)pleasing.
Don't get down though. Relationships are happy, bunnies-bouncing-under-a-rainbow things. Just make sure that if you live in the middle of nowhere, and it's cold outside, and you don't have a car, and you walk too fast to get out of the cold, and you (accidentally) leave her trailing behind a few steps... Just stop, listen to what she has to "say", then carry on.
Love is a marvelous thing. It's really a lot like caramel fudge.