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8 Ways to Move from Distrust to Trust
Do you feel the same as I do? That trust is when you feel someone is dependable; and you feel safe with them?
You cannot demand someone to trust you. Trust has to be earned. Authentic trust takes time to build. Trust is like a car that needs fuel. Without fuel a car cannot go. So, it is the same with a relationship. A relationship cannot go anywhere without trust.
This article is a compilation of techniques to get you through a relationship where you need to rebuild trust again. Never say never to a helping hand. We all need it from time to time. Let’s move through this together.
Reasons Trust Starts to Breakdown….
Trust has broken down when you begin to avoid your partner when he starts to constantly check what you are doing. The idea that you have to report in, shows you that he has a lack of respect for you and still thinks of you as a child instead of a grown adult.
Trust starts to go downhill when you find yourself becoming less passionate and more mentally or emotionally distant, when you have to prove over and over that you love your partner.
Still till this day, I feel terrible and guilty about a past relationship of mine that was long distance. It was difficult for both of us and we were both guilty of transgressions. But I quickly learned to make sure that from there onwards, if the love and trust began to fade in my future relationships and we weren’t able to resurrect the relationship, then at the very least, we would help each other to be comfortable until we parted. That is, we would continue to make each other feel loved and honoured; and not walk away with feelings of blame and recrimination.
The loss of trust doesn’t necessarily happen in one instant. Trust can begin to decompose in subtle, varied ways. Have you ever had a partner, friend, sibling or parent be emotionally unavailable when you are going through a very difficult patch in your life? Or, have you had a close friend begin to not follow through on their promise to do something for you? They let you down again and again? Or, what if you entrusted the care of your inside pet dog to a sibling and you learn that your inside pet dog was chained up outside 24/7. Its fur all matted and roughly half shaved off. Its tender pink skin turned black from the outside sun?
What Can Trust Look Like?
Trust is congruence between what is said and what is done.
Trust depends on two main factors:-
1. The intent-the intention of you to fulfil your agreement
2. Ability-the ability to deliver results
Trust creates an equal give and take that impacts positively for future bartering of needs. From a country’s point of view, it is wise to be a country that trusts and is trustworthy to not only its people but to other countries. Trust is said to be one of the strongest predictors of a country’s wealth. Nations with low levels of trust, tend to be poor countries.
In other words, if our relationship reflects these five common denominators, we experience a sense of trust and trustworthiness.
A. We are able to rely on one another
B. There is a secure expectation of a future event
C. There is an expectation of experiencing a fair exchange together
D. We have a genuine concern for one another
E. And one’s verbal and physical communications express a quality of understanding
6 Degrees of Trust in a Relationship
We do experience trust in varying degrees depending on who we are with and what stage of the relationship we are experiencing. There are 6 degrees of trust we can experience.
SUBSETS of TRUST
Reliance on another having greater power
Blind trust-an unfounded trust
Betrayal & Cheating
Lack of trust
Behaviour that takes place before trust has been created
Is the history of trust accessible from past exchanges. A reputation helps one's future expectations.
Examples of the 6 Subsets of Trust....
A low-income person is dependent on many people and organizations who have greater power than the low-income earner.
A person is said to be gullible when they buy a car without getting it checked over by a professional Mechanic.
When a partner has either become emotionally unavailable or having a sexual affair with another, trust is broken.
From time to time during the course of a relationship, our insecurities can be triggered and we experience jealousy and suspicion. Sharing our vulnerabilities can bring a couple closer together and increase the level of trust. However, if either one of the partners becomes jealous or suspicious day in and day out? This breaks the relationship down. Jealousy and suspiciousness are very unpleasant feelings to experience. You find you have to tip toe on eggshells because the partner is twisting your most innocent things said into something dark and sinister.
…I am not upset that you lied to me. I am upset that from now on I can’t believe you…— Fredrich Nietzsche
Trust is established through
How is Trust Built?
Have you ever applied the ROI to any of your relationships or friendships? Apparently, it’s a standard practice to follow. The ROI in business is the Return on Investment. If the return outweighs the costs, then it is more likely an investment is made. This applies to our relationships, too.
Friendships are usually based on either proximity, shared interests or similarity. There is an equal give and take. However, when a manipulator enters the circle and who is very good at getting you to open up and share your weaknesses, be aware. The manipulator will use that information to coerce or goad you into doing things you don’t want to do. You can be assured you will be left either confused, bewildered or furious by the manipulator’s actions. A manipulator plays your soft heart, and then extracts a lot more out of you than they are willing to give.
I have never thought about “my reputation” until a government official made it clear they were a powerful enemy of mine. This person ran a hate campaign that cancelled my past, my present and that which withholds my future. Since this has happened, I realized what reputation is, and how it is important to any person whether they are significant or insignificant in society. Reputation is the build-up of good will you have knowingly or unknowingly built up. All I knew, then and now, was that I liked keeping my promises and doing what I said I would do.
8 Ways to Regain Trust....
Trusting is pervasive. We not only need to trust individuals, we need to trust organizations, trust computer networks, trust more diverse institutions and the governing body of the country. We need to trust that their self-interest will not override; and therefore, take advantage of us or hurt us in any way. Simply put, a code of ethics, guilt and reputation (good will accumulation) can help to allow trust to take place. If we were to break this down, we would have 8 ways to regain trust. They are given below:-
1. Express yourself thoughtfully and accurately so that transparency is experienced.
2. Don’t promise more than what you can deliver. Be human though, and let others know of any of your doubts or uncertainties
3. Keep your promises. Do what you say you are going to do and deliver the results.
4. Behave consistently and predictably. People then know where you are coming from.
5. Don’t make assumptions as it only makes an ASS out of U and ME.
6. Let others know what progress or delays you are dealing with.
7. Be accountable for results delivered or not delivered.
8. Don’t rumour monger or be passive aggressiveness
Fortunately, or unfortunately, we tend to trust people who are similar to us and who genuinely care for us. To a point, exposing our vulnerabilities increases the trust factor because it shows we are human and not infallible. The primitive brain feels soothed when we share our vulnerabilities.
When we extend the hand of friendship, we make the other person feel respected and valued. When this happens the love hormone oxytocin is released in greater amounts and reinforces feelings of trust. Power-with is a good move.
Trustworthiness also grows when the other person is willing to walk a mile in the other’s pair of moccasins. What does that actually mean? Recognizing another’s perspective because when you do this for another, it conveys to them that you honour and appreciate them.
Trust finds it difficult to grow in relationships where there is self-righteousness. Finding fault with another or just wanting to be right is destructive for relationships. But truth-telling closes the mistrust gap.
Last thoughts are? When you are out and about, practice extending the hand of trust. All you need to do prior to safeguard yourself, is to consider your want to trust and the reasons to trust.
Thank you for stopping by and reading my article. All the very best to you and your relationships.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel
Integrity: The Courage to Meet the demands of reality by Henry Cloud
© 2017 ThreeKeys