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9 Ways to Achieve a Self-sustaining Relationship

Updated on October 12, 2017
Endy Noble profile image

Endy is a research enthusiast with passion in religious and social issues.


9 Ways to Achieve a Self-Sustaining Relationship

It hurts me when I see people go about hurting simply because they want to make other people a replica of themselves. Most times, I see in them my old self—an unsatisfying and hurtful soul. Having gone through that hurtful life myself, I am always moved with sympathy times I saw a person in the place I was. This article is actionable tips from a few things I learn and applied to overcoming that phase of my life. I believed its insightfulness could be the beginning of a healing process for many people.

As advocated by Eustace Budgell, “Friendship is a strong habitual inclination in two people to promote the good and happiness of one another”. This same is what I want to achieve through this gig. Below are nine actionable tips to help you overcome the psychological hurts that come with the relationship.

9. Stop being responsible for how other people understand what you say, does or how you live

One of the greatest secrets to enjoying your own life is to understand your limit of responsibilities. Not knowing your boundaries and limits could mean more loads—under which you sure will cramp.

It hurts me greatly to see people struggling to satisfy others outside their limit of responsibilities. Something they don’t have power or control over. Personally, I’ve suffered this for years. But when I realized I am not responsible for how people understand what I say, do or how I live, my life got better.

You’re responsible for what you say, do and/or how you live. But you’re not responsible for how people understand, interpret or feel about them. Giving so much care about that is an extra burden on you—a burden you needn’t bear.

8. Understand each human in the context of humanity—that places you in a better expectative position

Some years ago, I was so hurt by the betraying action of a dear friend that I went asking God why? But the truth was that I didn’t understand my friend as a component of a complex curve which all humanity belong. I assumed my friend was a difference; either less human or superhuman because he was my friend. That single incident changed my perception.

Each of us represents humanity. We are capable of exhibiting all human attributes. No matter who we’re, we have the dynamic power—that changing mechanism, a cunning nature, and crafty insignia. We might not have learned the entire complex curve but we have the potential to learn, act and change.

No matter who you’re dealing with, understands you’re dealing with humanity in a single clone. That does not only help you to stay ahead of the game psychologically but also places you in a better expectative position. So what do you do when dealing with any human? Expect everything a human being is capable of doing.

7. No matter what happens, learn the lessons and move on; don’t remain in the toxins

It’s unhealthy to stay in a polluted room or toxic environment. This same is true for our souls or psychologically polluted environment. Once a person is hurt, chemical toxins or hormones such as serotonin builds up. Staying glue to such hurtful psychological environment results in high level of energy consumption and low performance or outputs.

At a point in my life, I was guilty of this same. But as my suffering intensified, I had to learn to get rid of excessive hurts. This, however, was not as easy. The feelings persisted until I started seeing every hurt as an opportunity to learn.

Once I am able to learn the lessons, I focus on how it will help me in the future. I forget the hurt and then move on. Gradually, that became a habit. The hurtful feelings naturally die off and the lessons become a component or part of an in-depth knowledge and experience base. Hurts aren’t all hurtful. They are also opportunities to learn and become a better-prepared personality.

6. Understand and act from the superior perspective—that gives you a superior and better leveraging

Everything we face in life has a superior and an inferior perspective. It’s more like the upper and the lower case of a computer keyboard. Both are inbuilt into the computer. When you want to type in blocks letters, all you need to do is activate the caps lock. The same is true for us human. You don’t need to grope the inferior corner. Even if there are a million reasons to be sad, angry or feel dejected. Look for the one reason that motivate, inspire and make you stay happy and wiser. That’s the superior approach.

Everything in life happens for a good reason—but this good reason is difficult to see if you grope in the inferior corner; you won’t enjoy the leveraging power of pains. For instance, we don’t like our properties been stolen. Once in a while, this does happen. That hurts and gives us a reason to feel bad. But it could also be a reminder for thanksgiving. For as much as I know, you’re better than a person who stole from you. Or do thieves steal from a person that doesn’t have? Perhaps, you can see why it could be a reminder to thank goodness. It places you above the thief.

5. Run your life and allow others the right to run theirs

Interloping is a big psychological problem most of us face. It’s practically hard to mind our own businesses. The psyche behind such act is a greater force compared to the physical involvements.

How do we interlope?

  • We want to know what others think
  • We want to control what they think
  • We want them to think like us
  • We want to make them another us
  • We judge them even without knowing their stories
  • We are bordered about not because we want to help them; but because we want to find faults and ways to destroy them.

What a heck? What do you stand to gain? Obviously nothing! ‘Mind your business’ still remains the best advice. Run your own life and allow others the right to run theirs. That’s going to help you.

4. Put your life to a useful service but never hurt yourself to please other people

My first real position on service is that it shouldn’t be hurtful to the service-giver or givers. That means we must enjoy serving and not serve disgruntled. Giving a disgruntled service is hypocritical. It’s also called ‘Eye service’.

I’ve come to understand the worst form of service is serving in expectation to be served. That violates the law of goodness. You’re not good because others are good. You’re good because you’ve goodness embedded in you. The idea that other people should do (act toward) for you the same way you do or act toward them is totally alien and unfounded. It’s the right of each of us to do as we please except prohibited by the general society; which of course supersedes both personal ideologies and ambitions. Serve for the fun of service. If it hurts, quit. If you expect anything in return, state it. If not, you’ll be doing yourself a great disservice.

3. Never assume or presume—that'll put you on the disadvantage

In business as well as in normal every day’s human relationships, what you think is only binding on you. It’s your personal privacy and properties. You hold the copyright right and you’re entitled to both the royalties and taxes.

One of the simplest ways to stay out of the over-burdening self-hurts is to define your terms and conditions. Don’t just think, say it. Don’t just assume, ask a question. Don’t just presume, make research and learn the facts.

The truth we’ve always overlooked when dealing with people is the facts that no one knows what the other think or what the other thinking. You’ve to state, explain and define terms and conditions. If there is no agreement, expect anything. But that’s a risk I wouldn’t want you to take. It’s the reason most people in the world are hurting.

2. Get rid of excessive emotions. Except more hurts, operate more open-mindedness and tap the power of your logics and decisions.

The reason why we hurt more is because we don’t expect it at all. But that’s a bad way to be positive.

My dad is one of the most positive men I ever know. He never prayed for a total absence of pain, sickness and problems. He only does ask that those that will come shouldn’t beyond his power. Luckily, he never met any problem that was greater than him until he passed away last years (May 25, 2015) at a reasonable age.

If you’re asking that problem should go away totally, where should they go when nature is self-conserved? I think you’re only been emotional about it.

You remember the chemistry law of energy conservation? It also applies to emotions, problems, and pains. The gift of pain as Philip Yancey called it helps us to understand and appreciate the concept of good health. Get rid of excessive emotions, get your brain involve and decide what gets into your skin and bloodstream. If you expect a little hurt; it’ll not hurt much when it does come.

1. Lastly, forgive yourself……there is no other person in the world that needs it as much as you do.

I used to be a big hater until I discovered that I was the only one in that ill-built prison. My forgiveness doesn’t affect any other person except me. If any other person is affected, it’s because they’re ignorant and have refused to forgive themselves. Ignorant because my own sentiments have no power to hold they bound if they decide to forgive themselves, they are forgiven.

Most times, we think if we don’t forgive people that have a way it affects them. That’s a wrong calculation. It doesn’t. It only affects us. God gave each of us a key to freedom (to be free). The one in your hand can only set you free and no one else…

If you’re finding it difficult to forgive yourself, remember we were human before we were anything else. That means we can be wrong, make mistakes, hurt other people and be hurt by other people too. We’ve to forgive ourselves, let go and move on.

If you can’t forgive, remind yourself no one needs it like you do. Open that prison door and you’ll realize you’re the one who walks out of the prison.


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