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A Great Man, Regardless
I Love my Gay Husband!
Being a homosexual is one thing. Cheating is another. The question seems to assume that in order to be proven a homosexual, the person or the spouse is implied to have cheated. Homosexual tendencies are sometimes not acted upon by spouses with known homosexual tendencies. I speak not as an expert in the matter but from personal experience. So, yes, I would, as I did stayed in the relationship.
Sometimes the written word eludes life circumstances. One can easily write "I would dump him" but the keyboard fails to include several daily life aspects and other financial concerns that could seem superficial within this forum. But when it comes to pay the bills or maintain certain emotional transition for the children, it truly work wonders regardless of the opinion of the whole.
I was married to a great man with homosexual tendencies for 10 years. I did not know this side of his personality when we married. I don't think he even knew. Five years in to the marriage, and two beautiful children later, we ended up roommates. I could've divorce him on the grounds of spousal neglect alone. Instead, I spoke with a dear friend of mine so she could hook me up with gay clubs that we could visit together. We visited gay clubs together. My plan was to facilitate his transition into the gay world. Yes... you can think that is as crazy as it gets. For me it was, is, an act of love. When one is able to set aside one's prejudices and moralities and rules in order to embrace another being sincerely... that's love.
What is he Guilty of?
So far, what was his crime? The fact that life happened to both of us? He was in denial though, which was pretty interesting. There I am, willing to welcome him as he is... and there he was renouncing and denying the obvious. It didn't take me much to realize that, of course he had to deny it. Then I read a bit on the matter... There was this article on Essence magazine talking about men that go on the "down low". Creepy. Not creepy because of the homosexuality but in terms of how bad is the pressure from society that practically forces these men to behave the way they do instead of being honest about their sexual preferences.
The problem, you see, is not homosexuality but what we say about it. The way we condemn it. The question alone, posted in this tone, obviously cancels the answer or the input of those spouses that incur in this double life. Sad. The problem is not homosexuality, the problem is dis-functionality, which is what I was trying my husband to step out of. My take is that there is no greater cause for mental disease than dishonesty, lies and plain not being true to your true self. If you want to go party with Robin Hood and his merry men, bring on the tights if you must! If you are gay and married to a heterosexual individual, seek therapy in order to come up with the proper tools on how can you relate this to your spouse as gently as possible.
Not all wives are as crazy as me, you see, so if you blow this whistle a bit too hard, you could indeed do some serious damage, be polite.
Back to the Story
Let me go back to the drama, since I diverted a bit there. So, yes, I remained marry to him for some years. Sleeping in the same bed, it was hard at first, then it was really no big deal. The children never knew. He wanted us to have some intimacy, I refused for health reasons. Since by this time I knew of his tendencies, it would also be näive of me to think he wasn't getting any elsewhere. I wasn't asking though, I didn't want to know really. What I really wanted from him was for him to be honest enough to tell me: "Hey, you know, is true, I kinda like dudes you know, I don't know how this happened, yadda yadda, or whatever". But I didn't have that, that was rough.
In every other aspect, family wise, we had a great relationship. He was, is a fun person, witty, sarcastic in a very good way (if that is even possible). He loved to play with our children, which came in really handy for I am not your play around the household mom. We made a great team as parents. We still do.
It came the time to finally settle. It came the time to move on. Now coming on ten years of marriage, five years just sleeping together. Each having their own compartmentalized life, it was time to call it.
I called it. And even as an amicable divorce, it took us two years, and some bruises and bumps. Like any other divorce between two heterosexual partners... like any separation (or divorce) between homosexual or lesbian partners. It is time we start acting as adults and practice what we preach on to our children. Those words of acceptance and tolerance... we need to take them to heart. A homosexual is no less a person, nor he is sick with a contagious disease, and above all, it doesn't mean he is promiscuous.
I am Still in the Relationship
Even after the divorce, we keep and treasure our relationship in spite of our distance. Just last night, as he was picking up our children, he stayed to watch "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus", a movie that he doesn't like and I adore. The movie lasts two hours and he stayed for me and the children. The family sharing some time in the same space. That man is a definite keeper, and the person that will be ready for him will certainly acquire a treasure.