ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

A Lesson In Punishment

Updated on September 19, 2009

 I'm a terrible person. People say that a lot when they're insecure, but in this case the shoe fits and I must wear it. I must be the greatest, most monstrously cruel person who ever lived. I deserve nothing but cruelty in return - nothing but the most evil acts of men is what I deserve. I truly deserve to be punished, even though I've punished myself quite a bit, already. My friends tell me I've punished myself enough and now must move on so that I can forgive myself, but I know better. I know I cannot stop until I have either acheived the appropriate level of misery or until I have been coerced by an outside party to bear the responsibility I initially had and, at  last, fill the hole in my spirit.

I feel no guilt for hurting myself, for I can only blame myself for hurting myself. When others hurt me, it is usually inadvertant, or it is out of insecurity and jealousy. The envy of men often creates pain and strife, which is why I have always tried to stand on a higher ground.

Many others have been hurt by my actions when my spirit punishes my heart, mind and body, but I feel nothing for them for they all see it as a big game . . . and they do things to hurt me simply because they can. Certain people simply feel empowered in keeping me down and making me feel worthless. Exactly what sort of threat I pose to them I can barely imagine, but I can hold nothing against such people since I find such characteristics to be so outrageously pathetic. Extreme confidence is often a mask for severe insecurity. I don't exude that sort of confidence because I am not a liar. I also don't show all my cards right away.

Again, I can't be bothered by most of the people I've hurt. There's also no point in dwelling on my own pain since it's all my own doing, And most of those who've hurt me have also done it to themselves. After all, it's not like they say such things to me directly, and certainly wouldn't dare insult me in such a way if instead it were me with the upper hand. No, I feel nothing for them, and I feel nothing for myself except the need to suffer for my misdeeds. None of them nor me is who I suffer for . . . only her.

Just her. The poor princess who inspired my self-loathing - my need to be punished, my need to be angry so I have an excuse to indulge in guilt. I no longer deserve to yearn for her. I no longer deserve to pursue her. I deserve to be made miserable until she forgives me . . .  which may never happen.

To me, it was love at first sight. I was so immediately enamored that I felt insecure (and this NEVER happens to me). She frequented the place where I worked and I needed a business-oriented excuse to t-t-t-talk to her. I realized quickly that she was in a committed relationship, so I proceeded to chat her up without the pressure in mind to impress her. I won her heart right then and there just by being myself. So much so that she wanted to leave her boyfriend and pursue me, asap. This got communicated to me through the grapevine and was so horribly mishandled that I was left with the impression that she simply wanted someone with which to cheat. I reacted to that assumption and the added assumption that she would even think I was that type of person very viciously. Naturally, she felt extremely rejected.

You may wonder just from reading my words why I am so insecure. The truth is, I'm not. Well, maybe a little, but it all stems from the way I naturally am and the way many women are in regard to the way they communicate. You see, I am a trailblazer and a rebel . . . a usurper of tradition and a harsh critic of power. I have always been assured within myself that the world cannot survive without people like me. I have no reason to feel physically inadequate, for I'm particularly attractive with a sexual magnetism that makes certain women almost unable to control themselves. I also have a fine intellect and am perfectly comfortable with my radical beliefs. No, my insecurity stems from the impression I get that most women do not choose for a lifelong mate a man who is a headstrong rebel who has little concern for wealth. When it comes down to it, I simply don't answer to the material world. I pity those who base their relationships on financial stability, for I have met so many people with that attitude who then follow through on it and then refuse to admit that their misery stems from choosing priorities that simply don't suit them. Pity.

So, I am quite secure with myself (for the most part), I know I'm attractive enough and I know I won't change simply to please someone else. So why do I punish myself? I punish myself because she wants me punished . . . and I have to admit to myself that I am still endlessly enamored and can't bring myself to deny her what she wants.

The only crime she ever committed was asking her friends to pursue me on her behalf. Because it was so poorly communicated I reacted to her passive advances as if it were the most despicably inhuman act ever unleashed upon another. I treated her as though she were the embodiment of hate when all she did was not have the confidence to face me herself. I shunned her, scorned her and emotionally brutalized her all because what I thought she was offering was less than what I wanted. I should have thought longer and harder. I was so infatuated that I couldn't show it, and when she triggered my insecurities and sudden and almost unheard of fear of rejection, I could only express contempt. That is why I punish myself.

I punish myself harshly and treat myself brutally, but not nearly as brutal as she now is to me, and as you can see I totally deserve it. And she knows how to hurt me, too. Now that I do try to give her attention to make up for past mistakes, she totally disregards me. She literally looks beyond me as if I am not even there. It is so painful, but I'm glad she does for otherwise I would have gotten away with hurting someone that I never meant to do anything to but endlessly love. That is why I deserve all of this. This is why I am worthy of evil acts.

For three years, I was so uncomfortable with my own feelings that I actually strayed from the path chosen for me in order to hide these feelings and spare myself some pain. She gave me too many chances to love her for me to refuse to trust it. It's all because I strayed from my own self. What horrible thing to do! Again, I am a headstrong rebel and the world cannot cope without people like me. So for me to be untrue to myself sure is an irreparable crime against humanity.

Again, the only crime she ever committed was getting outside help. Don't get me wrong, that was a relatively foolish move on her part, since the obvious jealousy felt by many women towards her and many men towards me should have caused her to trust no one's intentions but her own. I should've recognized her insecurities for what they were and nurtured her combustible emotions . . . something I am quite capable of doing, by the way.

See what an horrible person I am?!

She will not acknowledge my presence if I speak to her directly, so I bring this here. Your Highness, a most beautiful princess who is surely entitled to the prince of her choice: I do not beg for you, but I must insist that you respond. If you love me like I love you, then I am sorry I ever failed to trust you and I am still yours for the asking, just as I have always been. But if you hate me as you appear to, then I insist you keep punishing me for I have come to accept that I absolutely deserve it.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • tlpoague profile image

      Tammy 

      7 years ago from USA

      Interesting hub! I am sorry to hear that at the time you wrote this you were living in regret. At least you were "man" enough to admit to your mistake you made. (Sorry, I couldn't help but throw that out there.)

      I think this was a well written and heartfelt hub. It will take an emotionally strong woman to have an emotionally strong man in her life. (If it didn't work out, I bet she has some regrets of her own.) I hope things worked out for you.

    • Jonathan Janco profile imageAUTHOR

      Jonathan Janco 

      8 years ago from Southport, CT

      And then there's living with regret. Phoenix, thank you for sharing.

    • s0126phoenix profile image

      s0126phoenix 

      8 years ago

      Here's a difference between us, I do not have any confidence. I had the perfect woman for me; the problem was, the person I loved apparently didn't exist. She walked out the door one day, without somemuch as a #^@$ you. I think I beat myself up bcs I could not be good enough to keep her. I got hurt and hurt others in return; that is why I suffer, and deserve it!

      Thank you for your honesty!

    • jxb7076 profile image

      James Brown 

      9 years ago from United States of America

      If the 'she' you described in this well written hub is a literal person then my suggestion is to give her a copy of your hub. Your repentance is acknowledged and your remorse is strongly felt. Good luck!!

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)