A Lesson In Punishment
I'm a terrible person. People say that a lot when they're insecure, but in this case the shoe fits and I must wear it. I must be the greatest, most monstrously cruel person who ever lived. I deserve nothing but cruelty in return - nothing but the most evil acts of men is what I deserve. I truly deserve to be punished, even though I've punished myself quite a bit, already. My friends tell me I've punished myself enough and now must move on so that I can forgive myself, but I know better. I know I cannot stop until I have either acheived the appropriate level of misery or until I have been coerced by an outside party to bear the responsibility I initially had and, at last, fill the hole in my spirit.
I feel no guilt for hurting myself, for I can only blame myself for hurting myself. When others hurt me, it is usually inadvertant, or it is out of insecurity and jealousy. The envy of men often creates pain and strife, which is why I have always tried to stand on a higher ground.
Many others have been hurt by my actions when my spirit punishes my heart, mind and body, but I feel nothing for them for they all see it as a big game . . . and they do things to hurt me simply because they can. Certain people simply feel empowered in keeping me down and making me feel worthless. Exactly what sort of threat I pose to them I can barely imagine, but I can hold nothing against such people since I find such characteristics to be so outrageously pathetic. Extreme confidence is often a mask for severe insecurity. I don't exude that sort of confidence because I am not a liar. I also don't show all my cards right away.
Again, I can't be bothered by most of the people I've hurt. There's also no point in dwelling on my own pain since it's all my own doing, And most of those who've hurt me have also done it to themselves. After all, it's not like they say such things to me directly, and certainly wouldn't dare insult me in such a way if instead it were me with the upper hand. No, I feel nothing for them, and I feel nothing for myself except the need to suffer for my misdeeds. None of them nor me is who I suffer for . . . only her.
Just her. The poor princess who inspired my self-loathing - my need to be punished, my need to be angry so I have an excuse to indulge in guilt. I no longer deserve to yearn for her. I no longer deserve to pursue her. I deserve to be made miserable until she forgives me . . . which may never happen.
To me, it was love at first sight. I was so immediately enamored that I felt insecure (and this NEVER happens to me). She frequented the place where I worked and I needed a business-oriented excuse to t-t-t-talk to her. I realized quickly that she was in a committed relationship, so I proceeded to chat her up without the pressure in mind to impress her. I won her heart right then and there just by being myself. So much so that she wanted to leave her boyfriend and pursue me, asap. This got communicated to me through the grapevine and was so horribly mishandled that I was left with the impression that she simply wanted someone with which to cheat. I reacted to that assumption and the added assumption that she would even think I was that type of person very viciously. Naturally, she felt extremely rejected.
You may wonder just from reading my words why I am so insecure. The truth is, I'm not. Well, maybe a little, but it all stems from the way I naturally am and the way many women are in regard to the way they communicate. You see, I am a trailblazer and a rebel . . . a usurper of tradition and a harsh critic of power. I have always been assured within myself that the world cannot survive without people like me. I have no reason to feel physically inadequate, for I'm particularly attractive with a sexual magnetism that makes certain women almost unable to control themselves. I also have a fine intellect and am perfectly comfortable with my radical beliefs. No, my insecurity stems from the impression I get that most women do not choose for a lifelong mate a man who is a headstrong rebel who has little concern for wealth. When it comes down to it, I simply don't answer to the material world. I pity those who base their relationships on financial stability, for I have met so many people with that attitude who then follow through on it and then refuse to admit that their misery stems from choosing priorities that simply don't suit them. Pity.
So, I am quite secure with myself (for the most part), I know I'm attractive enough and I know I won't change simply to please someone else. So why do I punish myself? I punish myself because she wants me punished . . . and I have to admit to myself that I am still endlessly enamored and can't bring myself to deny her what she wants.
The only crime she ever committed was asking her friends to pursue me on her behalf. Because it was so poorly communicated I reacted to her passive advances as if it were the most despicably inhuman act ever unleashed upon another. I treated her as though she were the embodiment of hate when all she did was not have the confidence to face me herself. I shunned her, scorned her and emotionally brutalized her all because what I thought she was offering was less than what I wanted. I should have thought longer and harder. I was so infatuated that I couldn't show it, and when she triggered my insecurities and sudden and almost unheard of fear of rejection, I could only express contempt. That is why I punish myself.
I punish myself harshly and treat myself brutally, but not nearly as brutal as she now is to me, and as you can see I totally deserve it. And she knows how to hurt me, too. Now that I do try to give her attention to make up for past mistakes, she totally disregards me. She literally looks beyond me as if I am not even there. It is so painful, but I'm glad she does for otherwise I would have gotten away with hurting someone that I never meant to do anything to but endlessly love. That is why I deserve all of this. This is why I am worthy of evil acts.
For three years, I was so uncomfortable with my own feelings that I actually strayed from the path chosen for me in order to hide these feelings and spare myself some pain. She gave me too many chances to love her for me to refuse to trust it. It's all because I strayed from my own self. What horrible thing to do! Again, I am a headstrong rebel and the world cannot cope without people like me. So for me to be untrue to myself sure is an irreparable crime against humanity.
Again, the only crime she ever committed was getting outside help. Don't get me wrong, that was a relatively foolish move on her part, since the obvious jealousy felt by many women towards her and many men towards me should have caused her to trust no one's intentions but her own. I should've recognized her insecurities for what they were and nurtured her combustible emotions . . . something I am quite capable of doing, by the way.
See what an horrible person I am?!
She will not acknowledge my presence if I speak to her directly, so I bring this here. Your Highness, a most beautiful princess who is surely entitled to the prince of her choice: I do not beg for you, but I must insist that you respond. If you love me like I love you, then I am sorry I ever failed to trust you and I am still yours for the asking, just as I have always been. But if you hate me as you appear to, then I insist you keep punishing me for I have come to accept that I absolutely deserve it.