- Gender and Relationships
A New, Scary Beginning - How I'm Trying to Cope With My Divorce
Things have been better than they have in the last few months, and yet once again today I started crying uncontrollably. It's been nearly seven months and I still miss my wife, my soon to be ex-wife dearly. I truly hope that she is happy, and I've been trying to accept the fact she's moved on without me.
My mental illness has been incredibly difficult to deal with. I can't imagine the pain that she must have went through having to live with me. I've found myself being envious of people who don't have to deal with this. If I was "normal," I keep telling myself that maybe things would have worked out. If I wasn't sick, maybe my wife and I would still be together, and we would still be happy together. I'm trying to purge these unhealthy thoughts, but on these painful days sometimes I'm not able to. How could I be so unlucky?
I've been trying my best to keep up with my healthy habits. I've been sober since my wife left. It is much easier to see now that my alcoholism made my illness much worse. My good diet and workout plan has made my overall mood better, but I still have some low days like today. I can't tell if it's because my mood is down, or if it's just the fact that I miss her so much that I'm hurting so badly right now. I would have done anything for her, and even though it hurts I don't want to stop loving her and I don't want to stop feeling the way I do about her. I wish so much that things could have worked out.
I'm worried now that I'll never be able to be a good partner for anyone. Even though I've sworn off alcohol which was a major contributing factor to my poor mental health and my divorce, I'm worried that I will hurt someone else the way I hurt her. I wish there was a cure for what's wrong for me, but there isn't. I don't feel like I fit in this world. I don't feel like I belong. I miss my wife so much. I just wish I could talk to her. I lost my best friend, and I feel like I deserve to feel this way.
I'm going to try and pick myself up again. In some ways I'm scared to continue, but I don't know what else to do. I don't know why my relationship happened, but I have to find a way to learn from it. I don't understand why I'm here, but maybe there is some purpose to my life. I guess I'll try and find what that is, and maybe someday my broken heart will heal.