A Victim of a Quarter Life Crisis
At The Cross Roads of Serious Life Decisions
As of this moment, the few Hubs that I've posted have been as far away from what one might call personal as possible. Television shows, sports and books. Future writings on food, bars, cars, politics, science, vacations are all in the works.
But at this moment, I lie in my outrageously uncomfortable, old bed staring at my ceiling. My heart races for some unknown reason that poses a serious question as to what is going on inside my head. I know the season finale of True Blood cannot be the culprit, it was as thought provoking as... Well, honestly I can't provide an adequate comparison because that show is god awful.
I am a laying here listening to the broken down fan I've had since my freshman year at Indiana University, staring up at the cracked off-white plaster that lines the walls of the duplex I live in with five other guys, all friends from high school.
I know the reason is because I've hit that moment where you look into this abyss of life and wonder what comes next. You can say the obvious things that have been engrained in us as to what a successful life should be: career, marriage, children, love, happiness, retirement, death. How anticlimactically vague that is though, there are no answers riddled into that. What specifically comes next for me?
I suppose I should provide a bit of context to my present situation. My father died when I was very young, mother struggled with money and raising two children before remarrying an alcoholic, verbally abusive douche of epic proportions. I gained a half-brother from that relationship but lost a lot of innocence as a child when I was being thrown into a dresser in their bedroom and choked by drunken fingers on their floor. But hey, I got to throw and connect with one of the most epically self-satisfying punches that the world will never know anything about and he got arrested and thrown out of my Mom, little sister and baby brother's lives for all intensive purposes. Pretty much a win-win situation, wouldn't you all agree?
Went on to tremendously underachieve in my time at Indiana University, spending the majority of my time boozing, smoking and sleeping around instead of studying. If you were graded on fun and outrageous moments in college I would've far surpassed my peers but as these institutions are currently set up I barely survived getting the boot each semester.
Took for granted the few good things that I had going through college, namely good friends who stuck by me and a childhood best friend who had become an adult girlfriend. The friends stuck around, the girlfriend didn't. This led to the aforementioned sleeping around, which don't get me wrong I cannot complain about. More Hubs may follow... All the male readers smile and nod while the women shake theirs heads and say, "Ugh, men..."
The friends graduated, I didn't. Stuck around the campus as money slowly dwindled and the class credits didn't add up. Lived like a crack addict in a two room apartment with the newest girl of the month and her skinhead, metal rocking drug dealer. Again, more Hubs on these days may follow...
Came home to Indianapolis without a degree. Two dollars and seventeen cents left in my bank account and a lot of debt chasing me, close on my heels. Endured countless berating sessions from my Mom about getting a job.
"There are openings for those guys who stock the vending machines," not a joke that escaped her lips. Also, not a bash on vending machine attendants. As to this point my life is sounding pretty Bukowski-esque, no?
Well, wait for the inevitable turn around moment if you've stuck through the grim and murky story so far. Here it comes...
Somehow lucked out, I do believe if there is a God he has a sick sense of humor for helping the people who haven't done anything with their lives as opposed to the ones who have and deserve his help, and landed a job in a hospital laboratory. Not a great job by any means, but a means for bettering myself. The humor of the situation was I got the call on April 20th, reader may now refer back to the part about my affinity for smoking, and knew a drug test would be in order. I suppose if God gives then he must also take.
Worked the night shift processing blood samples, continued the partying ways but now had money to finance said habits. Heard my best friend was getting married. Partied more to dull that pain. Months went by, girls came and went. A nurse, a dentist, a girl who thought she was a vampire, didn't have one speck of feelings for any of them. Felt dead inside, tried to fill it with drinks and sex.
Took a trip back to IU, saw a girl. Noticed her teeth, they were white. Now I know most teeth are white, but as you can see this story is flowing quickly and only important matters are being inserted so when I say white I mean white. She was gorgeous as well.
Didn't ask for a number, didn't feel like the current me deserved a number. Went back home, got a call from a family friend about a new job opportunity. This God is still inclined to follow my story it appears. Perfect situation at the perfect time.
Starting working at new lab, tripled my yearly salary. With new found situation in life came new found evaluation of self. The gorgeous girl happened to come by Indy on a whim. Used the line, "I'm going to be bold and ask for your number.."
Bad pick up line? Yes. Did I get shot down? No. Insert shameless self compliment here: I can be charming when needed. The Puerto Rican good looks don't hurt either.
Began dating this gorgeous, obviously crazy girl. Found out she was moving to Florida, took a chance on a long distance relationship. After some months, found out she was moving back for a job. Ran around my lab fist pumping as coworkers looked on with fear in their eyes.
Found out the best friend was getting a divorce, wasn't bothered or intrigued by the possibility. For this was love, not to be messed with.
Dated Gorgeous for two and a half years, worked my way up through a few promotions at work, bought a ring that will seriously weigh this girls finger down but here I lay. Unable to place a finger on what is inside me, bothering my nerves.
I worry about work, money, houses, cars, bills and such. I wonder if I am ready to stay in on weekends watching movies and somewhat put my current life living in Broad Ripple with all my friends behind me. I just wonder what comes next...
This is not to say I am not ready for it when it comes, Gorgeous will be in my life by my side, I know this. I suppose any abyss is scary until you step inside and see what is there. Is this my quarter life crisis?
I have fought extremely hard to salvage a decent life after throwing myself into a deep, deep pit. Putting myself way behind the start line before the race even started. I am proud of what I have turned myself into. Respectable. Hardworking. Caring. But is it enough for her, who deserves so much?
We shall see. For all you can do if try to be a little better today than yesterday and when you look back a year later you realize how truly far you've come.
My ceiling bores me now, my friends. My eyes feel droopy, my muscles ache. The thoughts in my head when I started writing no longer persist. Perhaps by looking back on the past the unknowing of the future doesn't invoke so much fear, for I have came a long way in a short while. I am ready to rest and be a little better tomorrow. Goodnight...