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A letter to my husband far away
My True Love
To you My Love,
You must have known by now that when I call you "My Love", I really mean it straight from my heart, not just from my head. You know so well that I have had great trouble believing in "Love". I used to be strongly skeptic concerning this matter. My experiences with men, beginning with my Dad cemented in me some notions that men are selfish and self-serving. I just hated men and I thought it stupidity for a woman to love a man...including a husband. But I love you and this changed everything.
I remember those times when I heard my ex-colleagues and friends talking about how much they love their husbands, I would immediately snap out and lashed on them enough to make them feel like they were idiots so that the next time I was around them they saw to it that they must avoid talking about the subjects of love, marriage and sex.
My Dad was an authoritarian religious fanatic. Everything we siblings did in our early childhood must coincide in his strict teachings and dogma. I also discovered that we three siblings were his children with another woman, his ex-student, that Mom is his legal wife but she was barren. This knowledge about our parents conflicts gave me an idea that a man is self-serving to the point of hurting emotionally even the woman (wife) who is devoted to him. My Mom was a virtuous, loving and devoted wife to my Dad all throughout their whole lives together.
The worse experience I had with a man was my ex-husband. He was the epitome of deceptions, infidelity, womanizing, gambling and of everything that can fill his life with pleasures regardless of whether I am hurt or agree-disagree of what he was doing openly or secretly. For me men are absolute hunters for pleasure and self-gratification and they pursue their desires no matter what the cost. For these types of men, women are basically mere pleasure-object. These men won't care about the real meaning of a happy and fulfilling marriage life. Pleasure is their goddess.
My Love, as you know, you are my third husband and I won't say that it's all my ex-two husbands' fault for the separation or break-up of those marriages. The first was the longest marriage of 18 years. In the first place such marriage was not my idea or preference. I was forced into it and I considered it the greatest disaster that ever happened in my whole life...not only in the way it happened but it turned out as a disaster of having such a vicious husband that confirmed why I hate men. The main reason that it took so long before escaping from that marriage is my wonderful children. My idea was that my children should in their formative years, have a loving father to grow up with...Being a good and loving father to our children was the only credit I can give my first husband.
The second broken marriage was to my second husband and it was nobody's fault for he died after ten years of our marriage. My idea for that marriage was for an escapade...to escape from that hellish first marriage in which my second husband had provided me all the means and opportunity to leave the first. I felt guilty about this marriage because I turned out as a user to the willing participant and most of all was because I didn't really love him romantically, he was just like a father to me. The offer was initiated by him and I saw it as the opportunity for my advantage.
My Love, as you well know by now, I see you as God's gift to me. You are the answer to my lonely prayers and you are the perfect physical manifestation of my heart's desire for a husband. It may be so late when we first had our encounter in the net because I am not young anymore (one of my insecurities) and compared to my first two husbands you are the youngest...what an irony.
But you are My Love...that's what you are ever since the first time I saw you. My feelings for you are confirmed and strengthened when you came to stay with me for almost a month. You may be far physically but I feel like you had always been my husband since time immemorial. Sometimes I would wonder what if you also are the father of my children...everything would have been perfect. I would have the most handsome, beautiful and genius children.
My Love, you are wonderful...the most wonderful man I had ever met and get familiar with. I am sorry for attacking you at times when my mental attitudes about men recur in me. I sometimes bark at the wrong tree which is based on my earlier notions about men. Knowing you and having you as my husband may change my judgment concerning men. In a sense you are actually my hero.
There are just some issues that I would like to clarify which is also the main reason why I am writing this letter to you and for that matter, for the public to read.
1. Building the life you really desire to live.
2. A fulfilling marriage life is equivalent to a generally successful life.
3. Ingredients of a marriage relationship that works.
Building the life you really desire to live
My Love, I know that between us two, you are the planner and the action person whereas, I am the dreamer and having a clear vision of what I really want in my life. All my life's successes were built in this process and all my life's failures and heartaches were pulled down by my emotion...FEAR.
The deeper I love you, the stronger also the emotion fear is working to run me down. There are always opposing forces in nature...nature works in opposites in any areas of creation.
The questions I would raise here are the following:
1. What kind of life do you plan to build?
2. Are all your energies focused to pursue and to complete that life?
A fulfilling marriage life is equivalent to a generally successful life.
I had been married twice before we met, the first was 18 years which bore two children and the second was 10 years.
I consider having my wonderful children as one success or dream come true in the first marriage. Educating myself academically and having a good and stable job in the government were another points that I consider as personal success. My ex-husband's delinquent personality had actually turned out as my stepping stone to my personal success. If only he had not let me down I could have gone further to at least becoming a politician in our locality or any other fame in the society...this is inherent in me but my fear of failure due to the unwanted, to say the least, marriage situation I had changed course, my energy was focused on how to leave him and to find another husband who will deserve the honor of having a successful wife.
The success I could consider in my second marriage were the positions I had in the hotel business and my position in the school where I was teaching. It was during this time when I realized that I possessed inherent qualities that could put me on a pedestal; all I needed was a little push from a loved one who truly care for me. There was a conflict though...my children. They didn't like him and the feeling was mutual between them. My son thought he was too old and ugly for me. My daughter feared him because of some cultural influences. With this kind of conflict in the family, my energy goes down and I feel beaten with fears and worries. I did not keep my position up and I was dreaming of a better situation so my focus diverted to focus on the betterment of my children's lives rather than to the marriage. Only when my second husband died did my children's lives became successful.
My Love, I have dream for us both in our marriage and I am opening it here for you to see its viability. I welcome any comment from you.
In my third marriage...this is with you...my focus is in the essence of love. You come to me in perfect timing. My children are now on their own...there will be no conflict, hopefully...It would just be love and loyalty that I need in our marriage and I will be what I really am. My natural me is beauty (attraction), dignity and abundance and I will have all these fueled by your love, our love for each other. Being me, I will always find a niche in any society I am in because I know what I want and I will find it anywhere, anytime; I just have to notice them...your love will show me...in short you are my inspiration.
Ingredients of a marriage relationship that works.
A dynamic marriage relationship leads to success in all areas of life.The question is; what is a dynamic marriage relationship?
First, a dynamic marriage relationship is built in the durable essence of love. Where love is the strong foundation and the instituting power in marriage, nothing can go wrong. Love defies any deficiency, inadequacy, insufficiency and inefficiency, personal, social or general. Love is patient and supportive. Failure has no chance where love is present. Betrayal and deceptions cannot cohabit with love hence they will all scamper away. In a marriage where love dwells abundance in everything also linger on. Abundance in ideas, dreams, material possessions and social position. Love attracts all that is goo and pure and repels all that are conspiratorial and deceptive.
A dynamic marriage relationship is one that each partner workout over time to a happy and fulfilling life that they both agree to build.
My Love, I may sound professorial but I know deep in me that we both know what we want in our marriage and I can see and had witnessed your persistence to have the kind of life that you want to build. Your almost a month stay with me had completely confirmed your love to me and this is all I need in our marriage.
Always remember that I love you and that says it all.