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A wedding proposal

Updated on December 11, 2014

Will you marry me? Yes? No? Maybe?

Ready,set, propo...umm wait a minute.

So you've made up your mind into proposing to your girlfriend or boyfriend, Here's a few things you might want to have in mind before bending on your knee, and pulling that xxxxx$ ring out of your pocket, and asking her/him that ''once in a lifetime'' question.

What are the circumstances?

Why are you proposing? Is marriage a topic that was discussed within a few weeks-months of dating? Is the couple in good condition? Is the proposal a way to find security? (the true question being: ''do you really love me enough?'') Is the engagement and wedding just to show off to friends and family success and well being in your personal life? Is the proposal ''fixing'' something or asking for forgiveness? Now these reasons to propose are not necessarily all wrong, and it doesn't mean if you proposed for one of these reasons above, and yes was the answer, that the marriage won't last forever. We are humans, filled with unconscious feelings and behaviors.

Now an analyzed proposal is more of a personal choice that you made by yourself. It is not to prove anything to anyone. It is not a way to fix a failure of the past. It is especially not a way to prove your commitment towards the relationship. It's a choice of offering your love and trust to that special person, and in exchange that person gives you their love and trust. Not obliging our partner to be faithful, but to let them make that decision on their own.

Pressure on the proposal

The internet is loaded with epic wedding proposals, flashmobs, on stages, at a sports event, concerts and so on. I was looking at a few videos where some candidates are so happy to say yes and enjoy the fairy tale moment that will be carved in their memories for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately not all of them go as expected. In search results of ''epic proposal'' we quickly find ''epic proposal fails''. Now that made me wonder. What are the circumstances of the proposal? How can such an epic set up fail? Is it the pressure of the crowd that makes them feel uncomfortable? Only answer to this would come from each person in these videos who are probably still uncertain about their deep feelings.

A friend of mine was talking to me the other day about proposing to his girlfriend. He was planning on running a 20 km obstacle race and was going to propose at the finish line. I asked what if you proposed somewhere more private? Would it change the outcome? I got confusion as an answer. We carried on this conversation. He than talked to me about buying an engagement ring. I asked : What would happen if you did'nt buy the engagement ring and proposed to her empty handed? Confusion again was his answer. But when I gave him my reasons why, he understood what I meant. Here are my reasons of why I would not buy an engagement ring. If you bought the engagement ring, you are putting pressure on yourself into proposing, so it is set on your mind that your answer to your own question is yes. Same thing with his proposal he intends on doing at the finish line, I told him if you tell everyone about this, you won't get a spontaneous answer, and it won't be a surprise. I also asked him later on; What if it was just a 5 km foot race without obstacles and at the end of that you propose? Will she really love you more if you complete that 20km obstacle course. If you want to do it for yourself, fine but if it's to impress her, your putting pressure on yourself, if she truly loves you she'll say yes no matter how you propose.

Here's a metaphor that will make it easier to understand. At a baseball game, thousands of people have their eyes on the pitcher. He secretly communicates with the catcher. Not his coach, not the crowd, and especially not the batter. Everyone in the stadium knows the pitchers intentions into throwing his ball in the catchers glove where he secretly told him where the ball will end up. Now if the pitcher doesn't focus on what the catcher is expecting and is distracted by the crowd, chances are, the ball won't reach the catchers glove due to misunderstanding, lack of communication and outside distractions.

Now I am not bashing flash mobs and epic proposals. We are all different, and some of us feel comfortable with being in the spotlight, and planning a big set up. The key here is to point out why are we putting up a big show for this? Is all this music and coregraphy necessary for the deep meaning of the proposal? If we refer to the pitcher and catcher metaphor, the pitcher doesn't need music and a big crowd to throw a perrfect curveball. He can throw that ball the with precision and power with or without the crowd. So the same goes for a marriage proposal. It should be something that happens between two individuals. In other words a big setup shouldn't be necessary but just be an accessory to the true goal of the proposal.

There is no such thing as a perfect proposal, there are several different ways to propose, all what matters, is that the ball reaches the catchers glove.

Here is a video of proposals that go wrong. I admit it, I once laughed at this, but now I look at this in completely different way.

Too much pressure here.

The perfect fairy tale

Once upon a time, a young man asked a young woman : will you marry me??

She answered frigidly: No!

And they lived happily ever after!

The end.

It's up to you!

Reading therapy books can help you see things from a different perspective. Although your couple might be in good condition, there are certainly some issues that can be resolved and will make you both stronger based on life reality. The advantage with a book is that there is no emergency into finishing it, you can read it under your terms, and if you start reading it and don't see intrest at first, you can put it away for later. Like I did with one book titled ''qui sont ces couples heureux'' (who are these happy couples, ufortunately I can't find it in english, but I am sure there is something out there similar to it.) I read the first half of it, and than put it away for a while. Than finished it when I was ready to recieve the information.

No need to rush

When the time is right, you will know it, trick is not to put pressure on anyone. Be spontaneous and do it for the one thing that counts the most;

Yourself.

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