Abandonment issues - Causes and how to get over them
You Are Worthy of Love
Wow, such a loaded topic...yet I can speak from experience regarding the issue of abandonment.
The first incident occurred was when I was six years old and my mom left my dad. I was heartbroken as was he. My life turned upside down and I suffered subtley for many years to follow. My mom never stopped being a part of my life and I know her making the choice to leave was not an easy one. I could always share my heart and speak my mind with my mom...perhaps since I didn't live with her, it was easier to do. I think she treasured knowing I could do so with her only and not my dad and step mom. She became like a best friend while I grew up and whenever we spent time together, it was always fun. I lived with her for a couple years in my mid to late teens but soon found myself out on my own. I remember around the age of nineteen or twenty, after too much to drink one night, I called her up and asked her how she could have left my sister and I. It probably wasn't the first time she told me her answer but it was the first time it sunk in....she loved my dad but more like a friend. In a nutshell, having a spouse as ones best friend is indeed how it should be...yet when intimacy is affected and little or no physical desire for your partner exists, it often becomes a deal breaker. Divorce always affects more than the two people dissolving their marriage however.
I have a friend (I'll refer to as Brenda) who has been through an abandonment issue of another kind.....I'm not sure what the story is in regards to Brenda's biological father, yet I know her mom remarried at some point. From the age of eight to eighteen, Brenda's stepfather sexually molested her. She did not reveal this to anyone until she became an adult and was out on her own. The person Brenda first shared this with is her best friend who responded by encouraging Brenda to notify the authorities. In doing so and having gone through court proceedings etc., others have come forward, also molested by Brenda's stepfather. Brenda's mother to this day however, is unaccepting of the facts and has tried to get Brenda to rescind the charges, placing all blame on Brenda. Brenda's siblings now see her as a home wrecker and none of her family really has anything to do with her.
Women in particular, really struggle to overcome abandonment issues, particularly when a man a woman has strong feelings for and becomes acquainted with in a sexually intimate way, calls it quits. A couple ladies I'm acquainted with still need healing after the passing of several years since their man first left. I think the reason it may be more difficult for them involves the years invested with this person, the life they began together, including the rearing of several children. Some women perhaps, never receive any indication anything is amiss. Should I go into a spiel about mid life crisis? No, I won't since I'm betting most are familiar with the concept. Some ladies choose to never (or take forever) to accept and move on however, which saddens me. Not having experienced this personally, thinking a woman at some point and time should just "move on" and view the situation as "his loss," may be a bit shallow on my part. I understand a grieving process is necessary, which nobody can place a time limit on.
Life is short though and lets face it, there is little we are in control of. Not that I haven't visited the P.I.T myself (Person In Training).... being stuck there is not much fun. Is it Donna Summer who sings that song, "I Will Survive?" It's going through my head as I write (even though I don't know it by heart).
Whether it's a child or an adult, people may never understand why someone would leave. An abandoned or rejected person should not blame themselves. Sure, nobody is perfect and if someone is unhappy in a covenant relationship, those who are left and feeling discarded, perhaps worthless, do play a role in it; yet this doesn't mean they are the problem. When people choose to abandon another for no good reason, I believe it is out of selfishness and or cowardice. I hope others will not choose to live in F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real). God does not give a spirit of fear, rather one of Love, Power and a Sound Mind. Thoughts racing through a persons brain, suggesting oneself is to blame and denigrating self worth, are likely not solely ones own....more than likely, these thoughts originate from one who is definitely not a friend.
Understand beloved there is a real enemy whose mission is to steal, kill and destroy everyone God loves, including those dealing with abandonment. I understand if one doesn't know the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob - this may not be received well or difficult to comprehend - be assured however, He Knows and Loves YOU and seesYOU as worthy of His devotion (and desires others to feel the same about Him). We are now visiting the topic of spiritual warfare.
There are those who are totally innocent, yet still victimized. One may discover spiritual warfare is worth looking into since so often when wicked or dysfunctional behaviors exists in people, it could be the result of sin from previous generations, otherwise known as a "generational curse." Deuteronomy 20:4 - 6 says; "You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on earth below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments."
So what in our society today are common forms of idolatry? Money, sex, pornography, drugs, alcohol, TV, work, computers......hmmm could be just about anything. My point however in regards to a generational curse is to examine family history and see if someone had a problem with commitment, infidelity, divorce, pedophilia, fearful submissiveness....whatever. For me, in hindsight, prior to getting to know Jesus personally, it was men (and thinking I needed to be the life of the party). I figured if I could find a man who would truly love me, the void in my life would be filled. It took 31 years before I discovered the man (who is also divine) I needed to put first in my life - Jesus. I now have the Source of power living in me, which can break any curse. It's available to anyone, no matter what one has done since God does grant mercy abundantly.
Isaiah 61 is titled, "The Year of the Lords FAVOR." Jesus, while reading in the synagogue from this book, stopped in the middle of verse 2 and said (ref: Luke 4:21) "Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing."
1 "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. (including poor in spirit, emphasis mine).
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives (freedom from lies, abuse, those with unhealthy addictions, etc., emph. mine) and release from darkness for the prisoner, (what type of prison - not necessarily physical - are people in? emph. mine)
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow upon them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.
4They will rebuild the ancient ruins (what ruins in ones life, need to be rebuilt? emph mine) and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations."
May I encourage and suggest consulting with Jehovah Rapha (God as Healer); Victory is possible through Jesus; He can and will help anyone overcome their battles and struggles when He is sought out. All things are possible with Christ who strengthens.... (Philip 4:13).
One last Acronym to ponder - F.A.I.T.H. (Full Assurance of the Heart).