Do the two words relationships and men conjure up fear in your loins at the mere mention of them? Sick of trying to understand a man?. Are you on the threshold of becoming gay so you don't have to deal with the opposite sex no-more? Recently I received this brief note from my dear friend Keisha Mei Ash which I will share with you.
"Dear Blondepoet I desperately need your dating tips on dating a man. I met this lovely Irish guy, by the name of Billboard, what people find funny in that I dunno. Anyway as you know I got booted out the nunnery up the road here, for can't say......sorry had to go scratch my butt..... back again...... but Blondepoet I dunno a thing bout turning on a man, especially one as good looking as Bill. Well everyone else reckons he's pretty ugly but I don't care. I reckon ole Bill wouldn't mind hanging off the arm of such a catch like myself.....OH BLONDEPOET YOU GOT TO HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!. The only thing I know how to turn on is the 'ole bulb in me one man tent in the backyard at me Ma's house. Yours Desperately , Keisha Mei Ash.
Of course I responded quickly to Keisha with a four page letter with my best dating advice for which I am world renowned. It made me think on how many women out there are longing for expert advice on what turns a man on and off.Keisha Mei Ash swore blindly that men were turned on with her hot pink, striped terry toweling sweat suit she wore to church every Saturday til one day one bloke called her a 'Fruit Loop', and all the other blokes choked on their XXXX Tinnies.
From talking to multitudes of single women especially to the other 67 nuns that left the same monastery as Keisha, it seems women are anxious to know what they can do to turn a man on, and what they may be doing to turn him off. Knowing a man's dislikes and likes takes a woman back to basic training classes essential for prepping them up to lure their man . So sit back ladies, grab yourself a nice glass of wine, put your feet up on the poo-fa as you discover the mystery that lays behind a man.
What Turns A Man On?
Long Beautiful Hair- Men are suckers for long hair on a woman, they fantasise about that beautiful long silky hair wrapped around their bod. For the short haired ladies do not despair, just fake it, with all the flood of hair extensions on the market today he will never guess. A word of warning make sure you clip them in real tight, there is nothing worse than a 24 inch strand of extensions falling off your head and into his hands while out on a date.
Cleavage - Need I say more. Come on ladies surely you must know if you are showing a bit of your bosoms it is hard for a guy to look much higher than breast level.
Sexy Perfume- When dating a man be sure to dab on the best smelling perfume in your bathroom closet. For women who are shortsighted be sure to read the label first. Another good friend of mine Rose Bush is so blind she accidentally wore fly spray on her first date with a guy she met online. Needless to say that was the end of that. A woman who smells good brings out the animal in a man it accelerates his levels of excitement, it is a must for women on my dating advice smorgasbord.
Long Legs - Men can't resist the show of a little leg, especially a pair of long legs as they secretly draw a mental line of how far those legs really do go. Some simple advice for a woman with short legs is don the highest heels you can find to add a quick six inches of length to your legs instantly. Please for god's sake keep an eye out for drain ways and boggy patches of mud, it isn't a pretty sight when you end up with one stiletto stuck solid in a stiletto trap and you have to hop along like a one legged grasshopper for the rest of the date.
Lingerie - Need I say anymore
A Gorgeous Woman - Of course men are well known admirers of beautiful women, I think all women are aware of the fact. I laugh at 'swivel neck men'. You walk on past them in your little leather mini skirt and watch their heads swivel almost robotic in movement. Men must have such elastic muscles in that area of their body that is almost reminds you of that chilling scene in 'The Exorcist' . Do not be deterred ladies, when a man is attracted to you whether you are short, thin, round, freckled, bow legged, he will think you beautiful no matter what you look like.
A Confident Woman - Men are attracted to women who are self confident, and carry themselves well. A dating tip here for all the shy ladies, while waiting for your date to arrive down two tall glasses of Bourbon and coke, and if you are painfully shy, god forbid, you better make that Bourbon straight.
A Woman's Rear End - Sigh still can't get away from a woman's body parts. There are men who love small, pert little bottoms as well as men who love large wiggly posteriors. A woman's rear end is a big turn on to a man, maybe because it resembles a pair of women's .......yes we are back to them again.
A Beautiful Smile - Some more advice on men on the topic of teeth. Remember a little floss never hurt anyone, and if you are a wearer of dentures for heavens sake glue them in before your man arrives. Nothing worse than a pair of dentures sitting on his lap after your extreme coughing attack.
Captivating Beautiful Eyes - After dragging his focus off your cleavage a man will be transfixed by beautiful sparkling eyes. Ladies quickly flick to U Tube and get a quick lesson on applying a set of false eyelashes as well as google 'smokey eyes', a look he won't resist.
A Woman In The Buff - I left this one til last as I battled with myself whether to add it here. I intend to write a sequel shortly on what turns a man on behind closed doors and I felt this obvious turn on for a man fitted there a whole better. Not only that I didn't want to give Keisha the wrong idea so soon and have her cavorting around 'ole' Bill Boards house ducking the empty cans from neighbors next door.
Facial Hair - Rose Bush was quite offended with this one. It meant she needed to go have a shave. Women have a good long hard look at yourself in a mirror with good light. Check for any signs of a goatee beard developing, hair above the lip forming a distinctive moustache, and any other strays around the place. Men want 'a woman to look like a woman', and don't want to feel another moustache upon theirs whilst in the act of kissing. This is....err...extremely gross for a man.
Hairy Legs And Big Bushy Armpits - This one is debatable. Some men are known to love the three inch growth in a woman's armpits, especially in France, but for a majority of men this can kill the romance quicker than the speed of light.
Bad Body Odour - Forget about what he thinks of your floaty little pink dress that you bought from Hong Kong on Ebay for five dollars 'buy it now' if you smell like a dead fish or something even more gross. Women often complain if a man stinks like old prawns, likewise a man is also turned off by the odour. I sent Kesiha off to the supermarket to buy herself a good deodorant after discovering she never had ever used one, and she wonders why she has never had a man. Eh!!!!
Dirty Teeth And Nails - Can you imagine a man's shock when his beautiful date goes to speak, only to see two weeks of McDonald's Big Macs and French Fries wrapped around her teeth?. Nothing turns a man off faster especially when accompanied by the foul aroma of your breath on his ear lobe.
Greasy Hair - Greasy smelly hair that hangs in oily strands like greased spaghetti is a no-no. He secretly wonders when was the last time you bathed. Was it when the last solar eclipse appeared in the night sky?. Believe me he won't even want to rub his fingers through it even after ten beers. Dirty hair turns men off. Simple.
Eating Like A Bush Pig - He watches you from across the table as you chatter at ten thousand kilometres an hour. He watches a mass of ground down beef and fried beans do a 360 degree turn round your tongue.Crikey!! As a prelude the spuds in your mouth set off like a sprinkler spitting out across the table to the tune of 'I'm A Skatman' as your saliva hits your lips, and splashes the floor. A major turn off ladies.
Excessive Loud Chattering And Hyena Nose Snorting Laughter - A woman who never shuts up, while attempting to break the world record of speaking the most words per minute is not amusing to men. Her frenzied chatter drowning everyone out in sight not only turns men off but is as annoying as losing your sunglasses only to find them on your head two hours later. Men that can't get a word in, quickly zone out to whatever you are saying. Not to mention your high pitched laughter that sounds like the pigs that he used to hear on the farm he was raised on, somewhere out West.
Passing Wind And Belching - Maybe a year after the honeymoon but not when you are dating a man and trying to impress him. Excuse yourself from the table and quickly face your buttocks out the front door. At the same time mutter " Oh my the garbage truck just went by" with a sweet smile.
Too Much Make-Up - Believe it or not men much prefer the natural look except on my friend Keisha, the more makeup the better I say to her. A ring of foundation framing your face, thick powder caked on, dark red lipstick on your teeth, with so much eye makeup it could paint a football field is a turn off for men. Until you get your claws into him keep the make-up simple and natural looking.
Smoking In His Face If He Doesn't Smoke - Go light up away from him, before killing the poor guy with your smoke rings drifting across the table. They say nothing is worse than a non smoker kissing a smoker, it is kind of like wrapping your mouth around a tray of butts and licking the ash at the same time.
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