Advice for Brides
Alas
The only person who truly needs this advice is the Bride. And even if one found a way to tell her, the Bride won't listen.
The Bride doesn't want you to disturb her big day. The Bride does want anyone mentioning how less than 50% of all marriages do not end in divorce.
A Bride does not want to hear about domestic violence or adultery.
A Bride is the only person who believes that the man she is about to marry is perfect, and will never abuse or cheat on her.
In fact, even if he abused his previous girlfriend or wife, even if he cheated on his previous, even with her, she will never believe the same thing will happen when she's Mrs.
The Bride believes that man is marrying her because he loves her. The Bride believe she is going to be happy ever after.
Reality is not allowed to intervene.
The Signs
A Bride is the only person who is not ready for domestic violence and/or adultery,
Unless her intended has begun the slapping the day the engagement ring went on her finger, so she's signed up to be a punching bag, or he's never been faithful and she doens't care, it is going to take her by surprise.
Most brides were never even spoken to in a rough voice by their groom, so don't expect him to 'change'.
A Bride doesn't know that the man who makes her cry then consoles her gets pleasure out of hurting her.
She never wonders why he broke up with her on that Tuesday then came to ask her to marry him on the Thursday.
She doesn't even guess that he likes to hurt her. She doesn't being to appreciate that over time he will need to hurt her even more to get pleasure.
A Bride is not going to suspect that her husband isn't 'working late', doesn't 'have to help Bob move'. A bride is going to absolutely believe everything her groom tells her. And never analyse it.
Dare you warn the Bride of the possibilities she may face, you are destroying her big day.
If only
If one could warn the Bride not to lose her family or friends on marriage, to keep her interests, and her job, to have a life beyond her husband....
If one could find he words to make her see that having her own life, without him, that section in which she is her job or her post in the organisation, or linked to some hobby, so that if the marriage falls apart she doesn't lose 'her whole life'......
If only one could warn the Bride to be alert to changes in his behaviour...
But how?
If one could warn the Bride that her marriage isn't 'different' ....?
Every abuser, whether he lives in Kinshasa, Kingston, or Kings County, follows the same pattern.
If she just became alert to the fact there was a pattern, perhaps she might see it.
If one could warn the Bride that no matter how beautiful and good she is that will not protect her against him committing adultery.
If her husband is minded to cheat, he will fall into bed with the first female who opens her legs.
His cheating has nothing to do with her, because he, her beloved husband, will not be thinking of her as he rolls on soiled sheets...
But one can't warn the Bride.
It will spoil the Big Day.
Jumping without a Parachute
So we smile, tell her how beautiful she looks, and let her go off without warning. She's never read that 'chapter' in the 'Facts of Life'; and we know it.
We know that unless her Best Friend or relative went through a Bad Marriage sometime in the past five years, so that it's fresh enough in her mind, she is going as a lamb to the slaughter.
Some place in our souls we want to make her understand the problems, the dangers, the possibilities, so that it won't take her unaware.
But we can't.
For we will Spoil Her Big Day.
