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The Darkness After the Affair

Updated on June 25, 2009
Courtesy of Peter Mac Therapy
Courtesy of Peter Mac Therapy

"And no matter how much he tried to soft-pedal what had happened, it was as if he'd told Adrienne not only that Linda was better in every way, but that Adrienne wasn't even worth the time and effort it would take to fix whatever it is he thought was wrong with their relationship." -Nicholas Sparks, Nights in Rodanthe

The First Night

I think I physically felt my heart break. It was a pressure, unlike anything I'd ever experienced. My chest ached, and I could no longer breathe. And my eyes, my eyes started to fill with salt as the tears began to form. The letters and pictures were in one hand, while the other was clutching my chest.

I vaguely heard a knock on the door. But being that I could no longer breathe, I was unable to say anything. Then came another knock. Harder this time. Somehow, I was able to use the hand holding the letters and pictures to unlock the door- but the other one was still stuck in what I now believed was its new, permanent home.

What I saw standing before me, was a man with a confused look on his face. Wondering why did I even lock the door in the first place? But, no words were exchanged, just the contents released from the hand that opened the door, being thrown in his face. "I have to go." I guess that meant I could breathe again. But the pain was still there, in fact it intensified as he tried to grab my arm to keep me from leaving. But his grip was no match for the strength I had at this point. The anger and the hurt had transformed me into a blubbering version of the hulk.

I had to get away. I had to go as far as my feet would carry me, after all, driving in this state probably would have been a bad idea. But I didn't make it too far out of the parking lot before he accosted me again. To me, his words sounded like the adults on Charlie Brown. Nothing made sense. I thought I was still clutching my chest, but when I looked at my hands they were moving frantically, in rhythm with my mouth. Apparently I was yelling. And still crying.

It was as if my body took over, when my mind could no longer handle what was happening in front of me. I can't tell you a single word I said, but I know I was thinking, "How could he do this to me? With her?? Of all people? With her?The so called childhood friend? Who in an effort to trust you, I started to trust her? While you were away, I confided in her; I talked to her; I did her hair!!! And you do this to me?? With her?"

The images kept flashing in my mind. Over and over and over againg. Her on the bed- in a bra and panties. Her on the bed in just a bra. Her on the bed with no bra. The words in the letter replaying themselves repeatedly in my head. "Remember how I spent the night. I don't even think we left the room the whole time I was there." It felt like my head was about to explode. It felt like my body was going to burst into flames. I was so angry. If this had been a cartoon, steam would have been coming from every orifice of my body. But this was real life, so the only thing leaving it was expletives and of course, tears.

As Time Went On

I tried and I tried to move on from what had happened. I even tried to break up with him. But for some stupid reason, unbeknownst to me, I was just unable to move on. My spirit was crushed. The very essence of "Me" was gone. The tension was so heavy, always weighing on me. And all I could do was compare, compare, and compare. She had the body I always dreamed of; look at her face, she's gorgeous; she has that beautiful hair. And she even had the baby he always wanted. Was I really that bad though? Was she really so irresistible to you? Was I not? What did she do that I didn't do? Was it because her brother played basketball with you and mine did not? I just could not fathom it. But still, I stayed.

And he never left me. So somehow in my twisted, distorted mind, I convinced myself that since he did not leave me for her, she must not have been all that she was cracked up to be. Something had to have been wrong with her. But even that, I was not sure of. After all, he had the nerve to want to remain friends with her- which I was sure as hell NOT having- but that brought on a whole new round of comparisons. "Was my personality that bad that you felt the need to keep a mistress as a friend?" Damn.

And all that time, I thought I was being the perfect girl. I really wish he would have told me. Or I really wish he would have just left me if that was the case. Why be with someone who is not satisfying you? I would have been hurt of course, but that would have been NOTHING compared to this.

In the End

Everything has changed. For those who knew us prior to this, we were now new people . The love that was once there just did not seem to sparkle as bright as it used to. It has dimmed immensely- like a candle that flickers and shines bright when first lit; but no matter what, the flame always goes out.

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    • profile image

      jana 7 years ago

      wow....really well written... i cried after reading this!! really

    • amy jane profile image

      amy jane 8 years ago from Connecticut

      This is so well written - I was with you every step of the way. I hope you will write more about your experience, because it has been very helpful to me, to know that what I am going through at this very moment is quite normal after a betrayal like that. I wish you all the strength you need to do what you need to do (and I hope the same for myself).

    • BeautySpeaks profile image
      Author

      BeautySpeaks 8 years ago from Prince Georges County, Maryland

      Yea Supa...that's how it gets. The resentment that comes a long with trying to stay and work it out is what really makes it unbearable. It's like you want to forgive and forget, but you NEVER can. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. It's always there. And then that's what happens...the sex stops, the respect towards one another is gone, it just becomes miserable. I'm glad you actually had the strength to leave though, even if it took a while. Making a change like that takes A LOT of strength and courage. I hope one day I can say that I was that strong. Thanks for stopping by......

    • profile image

      supabitch 8 years ago

      I have had it 20 times worse....the ONLY thing he DIDN'T DO WAS "PHYSICALLY" abuse me...but EMOTIONALLY HE BEAT MY TAIL TO A PULP....I did just as keepinitreal stated..I stayed due to many reasons..1 being we had been together 12 loooong years and he had to love me ...right. reason 2 was we have a 9 yaer old son who only knows mommie and daddy.....so that was another haep on the pile of cascading turds.....but then that's when resentment came...I didn't even view him the same....Got totaly disgusted if he wanted sex....then came the desrespect....I would talk to him like he was a 5 year old kid..or when I wasn't with him I would say nasty negative things about him...yeah i wind up having to let him go...OUR LIFE deminished to NOTHING.....quite pathetic..we have son and I still refuse to look in his face when he comes by to pick him up.....now it's to the point...I don't want him to even have the PLEASURE of seeing me....I send my NEW MAN to answer the door EVERY SINGLE TIME he comes by to get our son....I think it's a VERY FAIR TRADE OFF..your family...your son...your best friend....your fiance...in excahnge for a side dish......hope he's PROUD of himself.....

    • BeautySpeaks profile image
      Author

      BeautySpeaks 8 years ago from Prince Georges County, Maryland

      Majority of this is retrospective...that whole year I was depressed....

    • Keepin'ItReal profile image

      Keepin'ItReal 8 years ago

      Women always feel that they've done something wrong when cheated on. I guess men feel the same way too. Somehow staying with the person who has hurt us the most is a sign of our own insecurity...insecurity in self. We don't feel worthy so we suffer in silence...we stay and we're forever guarded waiting for the other shoe to drop...again. It's not healthy and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes we tell the person who us betrayed us that we forgive them and we attempt to move on...to make the relationship work but then months and even years later we're still not trusting this person...making ourselves and the other individual miserable in the process. It's like a self forfilling prophecy and the majority of the time the relationship ends with more hurt, pain and suffering. My advice would be to self analyze and see why you felt it necessary to stay...don't focus on love...we need more in a relationship than love to survive...ask yourself "Why" you chose to stay. Will you punish this person continuously?...if so...please set him (and yourself) free...otherwise, it will only lead to more pain.

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