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Alone in a Crowd. The Aftermath of Grief.

Updated on July 16, 2014

Sadness is not confined to gender, race, or age

youth | Source
adulthood | Source
elderly | Source

Alone in a Crowd - Alone in our Grief

"Alone and alienated in our retirement years.

Days filled with sadness and dispassionate grief for days past.

Not able to understand the reasons for the profound isolation.

Facing the need to shield one's self from an ignorant, uncaring, and unforgiving society.

Feeling the deep sadness of dealing with grief and loss all alone.

These are some thoughts of the elder gay community.

Still at risk of personal harm from others around us.

There is no real peace and contentment even in our retirement years"


Thoughts of Yesteryear

I woke up yesterday feeling a Little down in the dumps - tired, sad and somewhat out of sorts.

I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something was really bugging me.

The morning routine was unchanged. The cat and dogs were fed as usual, but they kinda got on my nerves a little this particular morning.

Although i love my animals dearly, i couldn't help thinking that since i retired i am realizing they were sort of tying me down.

If i did not have these little dependents, i would, or could, travel around a bit. See the things i had missed all those years of working and saving for this retirement life i was so looking forward to.

Not being one to "feel sorry for myself" as a rule, i couldn't seem to shake this 'restless' feeling i had this particular morning.

Maybe these 5 years of retirement have started to take its toll on my perspective of things.

Having always been a believer that we all have a purpose in life, i was doubting that i ever did.

I can not seem to recall any one particular thing that truly warranted my existence on this planet after all.

I worked in the medical field for over 39 years. I felt emotionally 'fulfilled' through all of those years; and hoped my impact on the lives of those i touched was a positive one for them.

There is, of course, no way of knowing, or measuring, whether this is true or not. Only the hope that my contact with them was a positive in their lives and they were never harmed in any way by their interactions with me. One can not hope for more than that in such a career.

Thinking about the possibility of going back to work wasn't much of a help. Although, having many good memories of watching people heal both physically and mentally, the thought of facing the uncaring administration again was a rapid disconcerting jolt back to reality.

Despite the self satisfaction of a job well done, It was truly an uphill battle over 39 years of constant fighting and arguing for better staff/patient ratios, better equipment, more supplies, etc...

Most of the time losing to the establishment's quest for a bigger net profit over better patient care is a major deterrent to getting back into that battle again.

Judging others

when we point a finger at others remember that there are 4 bent fingers pointing back at you
when we point a finger at others remember that there are 4 bent fingers pointing back at you | Source

Finding new diversions

Writing on hub has become a positive thing and helps ward off the doldrums.

It has been mostly an enjoyable experience.

Sometimes i get negative feed back, which, in it self, has been constructive in helping to put things in a proper perspective, and hopefully teaching me to be better at expressing thoughts without being too offensive.

It also has re-opened old wounds that were thought to be gone, over come, or healed.

Instead i find those painful things have only been repressed into subconsciousness to avoid feeling the pain they have caused over a lifetime.

I have been blaming 'society' for inflicting pain, misery, intolerance, fear, guilt and hatred onto others.

Though, it is true that society in general is intolerant of anything it does not understand (solely out of ignorance and misguided beliefs) the ultimate truth is that we inadvertently allow, or give credence to, the prejudices of others: ergo, erroneously giving that power over our "self" to another, or to others.

This embodiment of pain and guilt that others seem to take as their right to afflict onto others is unjustified and unacceptable.

Reaching a Conclusion

After much ponderous meditation and personal reflection of past life, i finally came to a conclusion as to why i got up in such a funky mood yesterday morning.

If any of you have read my article entitled "my life in the Closet"; it was 40 years ago yesterday that my one and only 'soul mate' on this earthly plane, died.

It doesn't matter how many years pass us by, this kind of pain to our very essence, never truly ends.

Especially while living in a society where one is judged by whom they love.

And as long a we are Living in such an unforgiving society where appropriate grieving is only allowed for that select group who does that judging, it never will.

This only strengthens my resolve to continue to fight for the same 'equality' for every person, and help people to understand that we are never truly alone in spirit.

We must never allow anyone the power to exert their own beliefs onto our lives.

I certainly hope and pray that this new generation never has to endure the repression, pain, suffering, intolerance and rejection that my generation did.

Things seem to be evolving, but not fast enough.

The sins of society

No one has the right to judge others, for ANY reason, and the same level of "equality" belongs to every person living on this planet.

There is no one person better than the next one, although you would never believe that statement by watching the news about taking rights away from women, and trying to pass stronger legislature against a minority that most people know little or nothing about, and chose to judge rather than find out.

The blame, and the shame, goes not to the victims of this affront, but to those that perpetuate that intolerance and hatred:

  • the religions who preach the hate;
  • the government that chooses to cater to their own intolerance and bigotry, rather than to provide equal rights and protection for every American citizen;
  • and lastly to the parents who chose to teach their children those negative beliefs, simply because that is what they were taught.

It is inexcusable. A true American shame.

The perpetrators of hatred do not, and never will, possess that authority to judge others.

And we as a people should not tolerate it for even one more day.

by: d.william 11/28/10

© 2010 d.william


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    • d.william profile image

      d.william 7 years ago from Somewhere in the south

      Thanks for reading, i guess we all have those days of feeling sorry for ourselves. At least for me it is only once a year of late. It has taken 38 years to get that painful event down to an anniversary level rather than all year long. Something to be thankful for i guess. Otherwise, the memories are more pleasant than not.

    • K9keystrokes profile image

      India Arnold 7 years ago from Northern, California

      Outstanding, simply outstanding.

    • d.william profile image

      d.william 7 years ago from Somewhere in the south

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting.

    • WriteAsRayn profile image

      WriteAsRayn 7 years ago from My World

      Kudos for your dedication to a wonderful, noble career. I'm sure that you touched those that you worked with, just by being willing to help them.